Chapter 14 - Panic

"Why can't you just fix me!" It sounded ridiculous to my own ears, but there was a tearing feeling inside. It needed to stop. I needed to be whole. I needed not to be falling apart at the seams.

"Fix what?" he asked, from his chair, in complete contridiction to the fact that I was pacing his office. On edge by his lack of movement, or sign of any emotion, I paced faster, tears coming uncontrolably.

"Me." Didn't he hear me the first time, I sobbed, throwing my hands up in the air.

"Kate are you having a relapse?"

"I thought I was doing better. You said I was doing better!"

"You are."

My knees gave out and I landed in the chair staring at this stupid man, wiping tears from my cheeks with my thumb. He'd promised he could help. He promised he would make me whole. He promised, and now I was coming unraveled, it hurt. It was hurting me. It was hurting everyone.

"What happened?" How was he so calm? Couldn't he see what was wrong. "Kate, I can't help if you don't tell me what happened. We'll work through it slowly." I looked at him tears running down my face. "You can do it. Go back to the moment you remember everything being ok."

I was warm, snuggly warm, that warm that made me not want to get out of bed. The room had a glow from the sunlight, music slowly filling the room as my alarm kicked in. "I smell coffee."the raspy statement came from the otherside of the bed, explaining the warmth along my back.

"The magic of timers," my voice was thick with with sleep as I flipped my head over to find him simling at me. "Good morning."

"Morning." His grin was soft and sleeply, accompanying his sleep ruffled hair, as he tugged my waist encouraging me to come closer, until we were on our sides my pajama legs tangling with his bare calves. Slipped my hand up to slide my fingers through his hair pushing the cowlick out of his eyes, soaking up the smile he was giving me. I hummed as his hands slipped between the gap my t-shirt and pants fingers tracing meaningless patterns on my lower back. "What time do you have to be at work?"

I closed my eyes, hoping to prolong this moment swaddled in my bed with Castle. "About an hour."

"I'll make you breakfast.""

"You don't have too."

His chuckle was soft and warm adding another layer to the intamcy of the room. "I want to." The brush of a kiss across my forehead. "You go get ready to save the world and I'll see what I can come up with for breakfast in your kitchen."

"You're in luck I went grocery shopping yesterday."

"Perfect," The bed shifted, as he moved out of it throwing his covers over me. I just watched as he legged into his dress pants from the previous night over his boxers. "Rise and shine." He kissed my forehead, "I'll bring back coffee."

"Ok." I sighed into my pillow letting him go, taking a moment to inhale the gentle spice he'd left behind, before hauling myself into the bathroom to shower.

When I presented myself in the kitchen half an hour later, I earned a low whistle from him. The giggle in response was uncontrolled, "Detective Beckett, you are very sexy." He growled, snagging me around the waist and kissing me quickly. "Now this morning we have pancakes, bacon, and coffee. Everything a hard working detective needs."

"Normally, I just have toast."

"I know you do," he nudged me towards the table, "but you need to eat more and if I'm in charge of the meal then you get pancakes, bacon, coffee, and even sliced strawberries." He set a bowl in front of me.

"This is after morning after the launch party?" Dr. Burke asked pulling me out of my memory back to the jarring reality that I couldn't keep myself together.

"Yes," I shuddered out, "he just slept over."

"And that was the last happy thing that you remember?" He asked calmly. I'd told him about the party and I knew he was doing the math. "Kate, what happened in the last five days?"

That was just it, that was why I was here. Because, I was falling apart piece by piece since that morning and now I'd been reduced to a pile fragmented emotions. None of them lasting long enough and yet all with the overwhelming feeling that there was something drastically wrong with me.

"Sniper."

He watched me for a second, "Kate, snipers are always going to be difficult for you."

"They can't be. THEY CAN'T…" I huffed, "I'm a homicide detective every once and a while someone is going to use a sniper rifle." I glared at this man that I was willingly seeing. He was supposed to be fixing me. Instead I was cowering in my apartment, flinching at reflections from buildings and feeling like I was constricted by my clothes, "I. Can't. Be. Marginalized. By. A. Rifle." I ground out.

There was silence as the doctor just let it hang there. "What makes you think you have been?"

"I can't focus. I feel like something is hunting me."

"Think about it Kate. Have there been any attempts on your life? Anything to make you think that this guy is coming after you?"

"He has a high powered rifle it doesn't matter."

"It does though because you need take a step back and be able to think about it." He just watched me, looking too comfortable in that chair of his. "Rifles are always going to be a trigger for you, because someone tried to kill you with one."

"They did kill me."

"But you're alive now." This felt like a petty argument I could have with my neighbors nine year-old and make as much progress, but I was here already so I might as well go for it.

"I can't do that to the people I love."

"Do what?"

"Die."

"It's not your fault. You're here now." He was always so damn reasonable. "If the last time you were happy was with Castle why haven't you called him?"

I blinked at the sudden change of conversation, "How do you know I haven't called him?"

"Have you?"

I glared at him, none of this was helping to right the jagged shards I was feeling inside, or the deep ache along the scars, "No."

"Why not?"

"He can't see me like this."

"Why not?"

"How'd you know I hadn't called him?"

"Because Kate you've had a smile on your face everytime he's come up for the last seven months and if you had to talked to him you would have smiled when I asked." He never offered me his reasoning, so there must be some benefit in this, "Why can't Castle see you like this?"

"Because I'm broken. Because I don't deserve the way he looks at me when I'm not whole. Because I couldn't bare to put this on him. Because I want to be light and drama free for him."

"You don't think that's unreasonable?"

"No." We were back to the nine year old argument.

"He was the one that started you back in your mom's case." It was a statement, not a question, and I couldn't control my flinch at the matter of fact statement. "You don't think he knows how much you carry with you? You don't think that he wants to be there for that?"

There was silence for a moment as he waited for me to process. My brain could hear that he was right, and I felt even more out of control for not having seen all of that. He wasn't scolding me though he was trying to help me see what I already knew to be true. "You do know that he wants to be there for that otherwise he wouldn't have shown him the murder board last week." He added.

I just stared at him for a few minutes, "Kate, why haven't you returned any of his calls?"

"I…"

"Is the case closed?"

"Yes."

"So you made it through the entire case before even needing to see me?"

"Yes."

"So you are doing better, you are coping." He closed the portfolio that he never seemed to take notes in and looked at me, "Go home and call that writer back. At least let him know that you're alive."

"I…"

"Kate, it's ok to let him in." The doctor stood, before me. Usually he just lets me stand and leave on my own power. Him beating me to the punch made we want to sink further into the couch, even as he offered a hand to help me up. "But it's not the case that set you on edge."

"Of course it was. There was a sniper, I have PTSD because I was shot by a sniper nine months ago." Anger flared in my stomach, my emotion turning on a dime. What the hell was he talking about, of course it was the case that had me on edge.

"Your trigger is the flash of the reflection off of a sniper scope, not the sound of a gunshot." He sounded so damn reasonable.

"Well if it's not the case then what was it."

He smiled sadly, sliding his hands into the pockets of the khaki pants that he must own a dozen pairs of because I'd never seen him in anything else. "It was the night before at the beginning of the launch party."

The realization hit me like a freight liner, "The red carpet."

"The camera flashes reminded you of a sniper," He told me.

I thought back to that brilliant night, it had gone so well. But there was the moment when the car door opened and I was my heart seized, "Why didn't I have a problem that night?"

The enigmatic shrug, "Because it was associated with the red carpet, because you were focused on something else." He studied me for a moment like he was making mental notes that would get scribbled down the instant I left. "If you hadn't landed a sniper case the next morning, you might have been just fine."

I felt defeated, an NYPD detective taken down by the flash of cameras. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Talk to him, talk to me." He opened the door for me, "You are doing better," He caught my eyes, "Kate, it will get better."

I felt broken, he'd only asked one thing of me since we'd run into each other again, and it had triggered an attack of PTSD. We'd known each other longer separate from the precinct then the handful of cases we'd had three years ago. Somewhere between cups of coffee that turned into meals with his family, a smattering of stolen kisses, and a couple of dates. He was my best friend and I'd shut him out, in a haze of panic.

The cab pulled to a stop in front of my building and the exhaustion of the last few days threatening to pull me under as I fumbled to pay the driver and hauled myself into the building. Closing my eyes to keep the tears from flowing too freely. I was going to shower, eat something, and go to sleep. When I woke up I would call him, like an adult, and I would deal with this relationship like an adult because I'd never wanted something to work more.

The elevator came to a halt at my floor and I stumbled to my door fumbling with my keys, when my foot collided with something solid pitching me forward into my door. There was only on person it could be, and the tears started again, "Castle."