After.

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Fix

"Alenko."

"Counselor."

Anderson folded his hands smoothly in front of him on the desk – eyes glued to the man before him, "Do you know how much work you have caused me lately?"

"Sir, I-"

"Between Shepard blowing up a batarian Star System and you beating Moreau within an inch of his life..." Anderson sighed angrily, slamming his fist down on his desk, as Kaidan stood upon the other side, head bowing down slightly.

"I apologize for my actions, sir."

"Of course you do. Why do you think you still have your rank and standing within the Alliance? Pixie dust?"

"No, sir."

"I went to bat for you. Be damned glad that neither Shepard nor Moreau pressed any form of charges against you."

"I am, sir."

"Alenko...Kaidan," Anderson leaned forward on his desk, motioning for the other man to take a seat across from him.

"Sir?" Kaidan furrowed his brows slightly, carefully placing himself across from Anderson.

"How are you? Honestly. I haven't seen you slip up like this since..."

"Since Gaz died."

"What happened, Kaidan?"

Alenko leaned forward in his chair, intertwining his fingers as he rested his elbows on his knees – his expression vacant, "I don't know."

"Dammit, Kaidan. What you did to Moreau was serious. It's my neck if you slip up again. What caused it?"

"I think I just need...therapy," Alenko's voice oddly quiet, "I...react to things in ways I shouldn't."

"Gaz moved on, didn't she?"

"Sir-"

"Kaidan, with how much you fell apart after her death, it was obvious how you two were connected. I'm also aware that ex Flight Lieutenant Moreau is currently living with Shepard."

Kaidan's eyes narrowed at the new information, though he remained silent.

"I also read the eye-witness reports and Shepard's statement. I know what happened."

"What do you want me to say, Anderson? I'm not proud of it."

"But why did you do it? Just jealousy?"

"I'm not comfortable discussing this, sir."

"Fine, fine. Therapy, you say?"
"I think it'll...help me. I need it."

Anderson remained silent, before tapping on the computer console in front of him, "Go see Shi'ara in twenty minutes. She's in the Presidium Commons – an asari therapist of sorts."

"The Consort?"

"Problem, Staff-Commander?"

"No, sir."

"Go, Kaidan. And please avoid leaving me more messes to clean up."

–

"Oh god...never again."

"Quiet."

"Seriously – I'll balance on my crutches and do it. Just...please stop."

"You're so mean."

"I feel fine. I can cook for us. Just please...what did that food ever do to you?"

Gaz dropped the spoon onto the counter and glared under the ceiling-hung cabinets at Joker, "C'mon Limpy, let's see what you got."

"That is the worst nickname for a male I've ever heard," Joker idly stated, as he slid his arms into his crutches and moved into the kitchen. Since the second day he was out – where his stomach went to hell – Joker's health had been recovering rapidly. He had started using crutches over the wheel-chair, and had managed to keep everything down within his system. Over this period, however, Shepard had taken it upon herself to cook for him. Nearly every meal that required any sort of preparation had suffered some fatal flaw. Like being unrecognizably burnt, or undercooked. Or tasting like she dropped it on the floor.

Joker beamed at Gaz, as he slid his arms out of his crutches and leaned himself against the counter to keep a bit of weight off the slightly dystrophied muscles within his already weak legs. Shepard leaned on the opposite counter, as he continued preparation of the meal. He brought the water to a boil and dropped in the noodles, as he worked chicken in a small skillet – tossing various seasonings atop the meat as he cooked. Shepard silently watched, leaning her head to the side as he worked.

"I had no idea you could cook."

"Handicapped kids don't exactly get a chance to go run around in the mud with friends, Gaz," Joker commented, not raising his gaze from his work.

"You lived on a space station."

"Shhhhh..."

Gaz smiled, hopping up on the counter beside him, as he worked – watching the practiced movements of his hands.

"Why didn't you ever cook on the Normandy?"

"Because Gardner threatened to 'boil my hide' if I disrupted his kitchen."

"Original Normandy?""

"I...didn't like people watching me move around on my crutches," he shrugged, as Gaz's mind slipped back to the very different ship. She always remembered Joker having an empty food tray somewhere within the cockpit – but was never sure how it got there. She had brought him food only once or twice – but honestly had no idea on the other times.

"So people mostly brought you food?" Gaz asked, as Joker flipped the chicken.

"Yeah."

"Who?"

Joker shrugged, pressing the spatula against the chicken – forcing a large portion of steam to come off of the meat – sending the smell through the air.

"I'm just curious," Shepard shrugged, assisting Joker by stirring the slowly boiling noodles.

"Liara did a lot."

"I honestly didn't know you two were close."

Joker shrugged again, "Pressly did a few times. Kaidan most of the time. Garrus did a lot too."

"I don't think I've ever seen you talk to Garrus."

"He likes to tell stories, and I like to listen," again, Joker shrugged, sprinkling more seasoning onto the chicken, "He still hung out with me on the SR2 between his calibrations. It was a bit awkward though. Because...you know."

Gaz blinked, "No...I don't."

"Batman and Joker. Rivalry gets awkward," a smile cracked across the man's face as he shot Gaz a glance.

The woman sighed and shook her head – a smile betraying her actions.

"Ahaha – you love it," Joker smirked, as he drained the water from the noodles, before dumping them into a bowl.

Gaz remained silent, simply watching him as he cooked – her feet kicking slightly off of the edge of the counter. Joker carefully removed the chicken from its pan, before cutting it into small pieces – throwing the chunks into the bowl of noodles every few slices. Shepard hopped off of the counter and retrieved a can of sauce from the fridge – opening it while Joker cut up the last of the chicken. Pouring the sauce over their meal, she watched as Joker carefully slid his arms back into his crutches and sat himself at the small table they normally ate at. A wave of pain betrayed his normally light features, before he smiled over at her stirring the mix together.

"You okay?" she asked, locating bowls in the cabinets.

"Yeah. Why?"

"You did that Joker thing."

"Joker thing?"

"Where you show pain on your face when you think nobody is looking," Gaz set a bowl in front of the man, before filling it with noodles.

"I put a little too much weight for a bit too long on my legs," he admitted with a shrug, attempting to brush it off.

"Don't hurt yourself."

"Yes, mom."

–

"Continue."

"That's...it."

"No it isn't," the carefully dressed asari folded her hands neatly in her lap, before smiling slightly at Kaidan, "What aren't you telling me?"

"My ex-girlfriend died then was brought back to life by a terrorist organization. Once I finally came to terms with that, she rejects me and ends up dating a guy who I thought was trying to help me in the first place. Yeah...that's it."

"Relax, Kaidan," her voice oddly harmonic in quality, causing the Spectre to listen to every word she spoke, "and why not get more comfortable?"

"Because I didn't come here for...that."

"For what, Staff-Commander?"

Kaidan motioned lightly with one hand, before sighing, "I don't want sex."

"You misunderstand my duties as the Consort then," her voice not insulted, but rather eager to inform, "I give people what they need. For some that is simply words. For others that may be a song, a back massage, or getting them to relax," she tilted her head to the side slightly – a smile still brushing her lips.

"So...you don't sleep with people?"

"On occasion a client will come in needing to feel needed or even craved," Shi'ara nodded slightly.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this," Kaidan abruptly stood, causing the asari to match his actions and block his exit.

"Sit."

"I need to go ask for a real therapist – not some glorified prostitute."

"It hurts that you see me in that light, Kaidan."

"Look – I didn't mean to insult you. I've...just been through a lot and don't want any unnecessary pressures. I just want someone to talk to."

"Then sit and I shall listen."

Kaidan's dark eyes searched Shi'ara's before he settled back into his seat.

"Now – continue."

"I'm still in love with Gaz."

"Why?"

"She's perfect."

"Obviously not if you two have had such difficulties."

"No...no. Those were all my fault."

"Really? I highly doubt that."

"She died and came back. I pushed her away. I apologized and she agreed on a date. Then I accidentally called her not the real Shepard. Then I slept with her XO. I..." he rested his face in his hands, causing Shi'ara to gently pet his back.

"Wait...you know Shepard," Kaidan raised his gaze to meet the eyes of the elegant asari.

"Indeed I do. But I'm here for you, Kaidan. Not her."

"She's great...isn't she?"
"Kaidan," Shi'ara placed one hand on either side of his face, forcing him to stare her directly in the eyes, "Speaking of how she's perfect will not help you. She isn't perfect. The term 'perfect' has no real meaning. It's a set of standards that aren't ever met because no two people can agree on their terms. She is flawed, Kaidan, as we all are."

"I...I know," Kaidan backed out of her grasp, leaning further back in his seat, resting his right wrist across his forehead.

"Name her flaws."

"What?"

"What's wrong with Shepard?"

"Nothing."

"Kaidan, what's wrong with Shepard?"

Kaidan sighed, before leaning forward in his seat again – head hanging in thought, "She can be a bit cold."

"How so?"

"She'll see something horrific and only say like...one sentence to even acknowledge it happened, then move on."

"Does this bother you?"

"She...never spoke of Ash's death other than once or twice. I never once saw her grieve it. I know I did. Most of the crew did. Shepard? She just kept going."

"What else?"

"She's really defensive. When talking to her, I sometimes felt like she was looking for a reason to fight with me – especially recently. It's like she chooses when to be sensitive over random things."

"Like what?"

"I...I said that the Normandy wasn't the real Normandy. Which is true," Kaidan gestured with his hand, "While it follows a lot of the same ideas from the original, nothing but some of the crew is the same. That's a fact. Yet she chose to get insulted by it – acting like I had just called her 'not the real Shep,' even though I didn't."

"Good. Continue."

"I always feel like there's a wall covering her from everyone."

"A wall?"

"She's a soldier. She doesn't let herself emote like she should. She hides things from everyone. Honestly, it makes me worry about her. What if...what if another galactic disaster happens? What if she's put under more pressure? She's already done the impossible twice – and died once. What if she's forced to do it again? Will she snap?"

Shi'ara crossed her legs as Kaidan spoke, studying his every move.

"Does that worry you?"

"Yes. I just want her to relax for once. I guess...I guess she's doing that now."

"Is she?"

"She's on Earth. Alliance pulled her rank, ship, crew...everything. She's under house arrest now and...has a new boyfriend."

"Who?"

"Jeff Moreau."

"Pilot of both Normandys?"

"Yeah."

"Does her dating him bother you?"

"Yes...it does," Kaidan's eyes narrowed, "Shepard is a powerful and beautiful woman. She should have someone who can take care of her. Help her. Not...not some broken and handicapped pilot who is useless in a fight and can't even hold a conversation with most people without getting off track or appearing uncomfortable."

"So Shepard dating Moreau makes you annoyed because you see him as inadequate?"

"Yeah. I...they know."

"They do?"

"Back on Earth awhile back, I had too much to drink and saw them together. I had no idea she had moved on. Or when she moved on. He was holding her hand," Kaidan's eyes grew distant, "He appeared so comfortable with her – like it wasn't something new. She gave him that look," Kaidan's voice broke, before he took a deep breath, "That one that I thought was only reserved for me."

"What did you do?"

"I nearly killed him."

"Explain," Shi'ara's voice remained even.

"He got near me to get drinks for the group he was with."

"Moreau?"

"Yes. And...we talked for a bit. I honestly don't remember most of it. He somehow pissed me off and...well, I beat him nearly to death. He ended up shooting me in return."

Shi'ara reached for Kaidan's hand and squeezed it. Unlike her previous attempts at contact, Kaidan didn't fight it. He squeezed her hand back.

"What happened next?"

"Once he shot me, I backed off. Donnelly – who was with Joker's group-"

"Joker?"

"Jeff Moreau. It's his nickname."

"We'll get back to that. Continue."

"Donnelly pulled me off him, and Shepard ran straight to Joker – shooting me a look that I never wanted to be on the receiving end of, from her. She gave that same look to Saren."

"You aren't Saren, Kaidan."

"I know. It was just hard. Joker lost consciousness around that time – distracting her from me. An ambulance brought us both to the local hospital. I lost consciousness on the way. I woke up later after they already fixed me up. Shepard ended up coming in."

"She came in to visit you?"

"Yes. I...I have never seen her so close to crying before."

"She cried?"

"No...she was just so..." Kaidan rolled in lips in, in thought, "Vulnerable. She had lost everything earlier that day, and I was only making it worse. I felt...awful."

"Why do you think she came to see you?"

"It was to say goodbye."

"Explain, please."

"She was basically telling me to get out of her life forever in her strange Shepard way. She told me she wanted to stay on good terms with me, but now it was impossible. I wished her the best with Joker and called him a lucky man."

"Was that the end of it?"

"No. Joker spent about a month in intensive care. Borderline died a few times during that run. I...visited him."

"You visited him?"

"Yeah. Talked to him sometimes even though he was never awake."

"What did you say?"

"Talk about days in the old Normandy. The two year gap."

"Two year gap?"

"Shepard was gone for two years. I...hit rock bottom during that time. He and Anderson basically kept me going. I owe Joker a lot for that."

"Is that why you call him by his nickname even though you resent his relationship with Shepard?"

"Yes. I owe Joker a lot."

Shi'ara slowly nodded, her fingertips brushing her chin, "Continue."

"I don't know. There's nothing much else to say. I managed to hurt a good friend of mine for touching a person I keep pushing myself away from. I'm self destructive."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Why do you think I'm here?"

"Because Counselor Anderson told you to."

"Help me...please."

Shi'ara ran a hand through Kaidan's dark hair, causing the man to close his eyes at her touch.

"You're a good man, Kaidan. You just can't figure out how to handle yourself."

"How do I fix that?"

"May I see into your mind?"

"Excuse me?"

"Maybe I can help internally. Sometimes people honestly can't tell me what I need to know to help them. This may be one of those cases."

"I don't know if I'm comfortable with...I mean isn't that asari sex? Like your eyes turn black and you say 'embrace eternity' them I'm pregnant with your asari child?"

Shi'ara smiled at him, before cupping his chin in her hand, "I need you to relax."

"But-"

"Take a deep breath for me."

Kaidain followed her orders as he stared into her eyes. She blinked once more – causing them to turn an inky black.

"Embrace eternity."

His skin instantly felt cold – his insides like fire. He was no longer in the room. He was no longer anywhere. Sensations flooded his every sense, causing him to panic for a mere moment, before he reached a plateau of...nothing. He didn't feel fear, anger, hatred, or...anything. Just pure bliss.

His eyes brought him back to reality just in time to see Shi'ara's eyes turn back to their natural hue – a relaxed expression across her face.

"How do you feel?"

"Relaxed."

She ran a hand through his hair again, "I have seen the inner workings of your mind Kaidan, and I hope I helped straighten some things out."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing, really. I helped you help yourself."

"How?"

"Connected dots that weren't previously connected and calmed thoughts that were unnecessarily spiked."

"So you brainwashed me?"

"No."

"Then...how?"

"Kaidan, go on with your life now. You are free. You need to bring yourself together for life's upcoming battles. You will be needed in peak condition. I cannot guarantee that life will be easy for you. But I can feel that you have greatness coming for you, Kaidan Alenko. Just don't let little things weigh you down," Shi'ara kissed him lightly before standing and moving towards the door, "I am always here if you need me, Kaidan. Though I cannot see you seeking my services in the future."

"I...thank you."

"Live well, Kaidan."

–

AN: Sorry I have gotten slow with updates. Even though I just had Spring Break, I managed to stay somewhat constantly busy. Not sure if that was a good thing or not yet. Bleh. Anyway, to make up for my lack of posting, I present lots of words! Lots of Kaidan in this chapter – since I find him figuring himself out kind of fascinating. I'm also currently replaying ME1 and just love Shi'ara and felt the need to add her. I feel like this story is reaching its ending soon. I don't want to push it too long and have it get boring. I promise the ending will bring fulfillment and joy to all. Yes.

Rated M for: Language, future sexual situations, future violence, and so I can have freedom without fear of scarring a teen for life.

Oh – and I don't own anything ever.