I know! I said I would try to update fast... :/

But then Christmas was here, with everyone coming to stay in our (small) house...

And then I went to Las Vegas between Christmas and New Years to go to the JACKIE EVANCHO and David Foster concert at Mandalay Bay (and OMG! Still seems completely surreal! Just simply AMAZING! And she's such a nice kid!) - Still on a complete concert/backstage high!
(Okay... to stop myself from rambling on about that, I'll continue my AN AFTER the update!)

Anyways, this chapter ends... not abruptly exactly... but not sure if it should be comtinued after this? depends on you guys, I guess...

And I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter... Never planned on what I was writing, and since it's been written pretty much as just a few sentences every once in a while, it might not exactly be very well connected... (So please, feel free to leave me good AND bad critique!)

ENJOY!

Chapter 3

Even before Ziva opened her eyes she felt the extra presence in her room, so while she wasn't at all surprised to find Tony perched on the edge of her bed, she hadn't expected him to look so concerned.

"Tony." Pushing herself up she leaned back against the headboard, making sure the duvet was still covering her even though she was fully dressed. "How long have you been sitting there?" She hadn't exactly expected him to leave, but she'd thought he at least had the decency to stay out of her room.

"Long enough to know you were having a nightmare."

"I was not." She answered too quickly for his liking, sounding almost desperate. When the only answer he gave her was a raised eyebrow, a tiny gleam appeared in her eye as she seemed to have come up with that perfect retort to get him to back off. "If I was you would have woken me up. Or at least tried to until I had shot you in my sleep."

Tony just held up his hands in mock surrender, knowing that she was partly right. Yes, he definitely would have woken her up if she'd been tossing and turning and screaming, but this had been different. While she had barely moved she had still been covered in a thin sheet of sweat, her hands tightly gripping her duvet and the bed sheets as a tortured expression had settled on her face.

"Well as far as I know you usually snore rather than whimper in your sleep." It hadn't been much, but just one tiny almost undetectable whimper had been enough to draw him to the bedroom. This time Ziva actually looked confused, almost too stunned to reply.

"I whimpered?" Tony was taken aback by how truly surprised her tone sounded. She really didn't know, and Tony wasn't sure whether she seemed more scared or humiliated by the fact, so he wisely chose not to dive further into the subject.

"You have these nightmares often?" She quickly looked away from him, but Tony took it as a good sign that she didn't bolt from the room.

"I do not have nightmares, Tony."

"Then what was this?" He kept his voice as low and soft as hers, not wanting to start yet another argument. When Ziva looked back towards him her eyes were guarded, but while not nearly as much as he'd expected, it was still obvious that she wasn't going to answer him. "What was it about?"

"I do not know." Her tone was soft so Tony figured it would be safe to raise an eyebrow questioningly. "I never do, and as far as I know you tend to remember a nightmare."

"Unless you subconsciously suppress them." Tony knew it had been the wrong thing to say when Ziva instantly pulled back, the usual guarded mask back in place but with an angry gleam in her dark eyes.

"And just when exactly did you become my psychiatrist, DiNozzo?" Before she even allowed him to consider her question she was out of the bed, briskly leaving the room. When Tony found her in the kitchen a few seconds later she was gulping down a bottle of water, not placing it back on the table until it was completely empty. But he figured the not-nightmare had left her pretty dehydrated. Either that or she was just trying to stall, maybe even calm her nerves.

"Stop hiding, Ziva." With her back still towards him Tony instantly noticed her shoulders tensed, but knew better than to think she hadn't noticed him behind her.

"Yeah, because you are clearly one to speak, Tony!"

"Okay, I'll admit it. I have a lot of baggage." Knowing she wouldn't actually harm him, but still being careful, he made his way towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder to spin her towards him. "But this isn't about me." For a while she stayed completely still, neither of them saying anything until her eyes hardened, her perfect emotionless mask back in place.

"I would like for you to leave now."

"No." Her mask barely faltered at his stern tone, and to anyone who didn't know her as well as the man in front of her the tiny slip would have been unnoticeable. Raising an eyebrow she let her head tilt slightly to the side, looking him straight in the eyes. "You might think you're perfectly fine, but I'm far from convinced, and I'm not leaving until I'm sure you're..." He trailed off as her eyes flickered slightly before she turned her head away from him, but he wasn't sure if it was from her reaction to his words or because he himself didn't know what he was going to say. Until he was sure she was what? That she really was fine? That she wasn't slipping into some kind of self-loathing depression and he'd find her with a self-inflicted bullet wound to her head?

He had no reason to believe she'd react like that, she hadn't given any indicators that something like that was going to happen. It was like all just some irrational fear from his side after seeing the scene unfold the evening before on the screen in MTAC, but he couldn't help it. Ziva was the toughest person he knew, she was like a ninja, and despite him knowing just how human she was, that she had just as many emotions as every one else, it hurt him so much to see her like this.

And the fact that it was his father of all people that had caused this didn't help at all.

"Do not worry, Tony. I was taught a very long time ago not to let sex mean anything." It wasn't so much the fact that once again Ziva knew exactly what the culprit of his concern was that stunned Tony into silence, rather it was the words she'd said and the completely neutral, detached tone they'd been uttered in. It wasn't until she'd walked past him, well on her way back towards her bedroom before he managed to to shake himself out of his shock.

"Wait, what?" He knew he sounded stupid, confused, but he honestly wasn't sure what to make of her words. It didn't surprise him that she completely ignored him.

"You can go now, Tony. I'll see you on Monday."

"No." He hurried after her, just barely preventing her bedroom door from slamming in his face. "I already told you, I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

"And I already told you not to worry." She pulled her duvet aside, but rather than getting in she spun around and raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not feeling comfortable with going to bed with him still in the room.

"Except all you accomplished was making me worry more." She looked very taken aback, and it took Tony a few seconds to realize why. Being open like that, admitting something that personal, it was not something they did. He never once took his eyes off of her, and he wasn't sure whether it was a good or a bad sign that she seemed too stunned to reply, to react in any way at all. "Talk to me, Ziva." His soft words successfully pulled her out of her trance, and she turned away from him as he carefully made his way towards her. "What was that about in the kitchen before?"

She sighed, and that was why he'd brought it back up. Because she'd obviously meant it when she'd said it before, and the fact that she'd used it as her reason for being fine proved that it was at least somewhat relevant.

"Like I said before, it does not mean anything, so it..."
"That's a load of crap, Ziva!" He was happy, more than happy that she'd said anything at all, but he also suspected that it was just to make him satisfied enough to leave. "No matter how good you are at shutting down emotions and feeling, that shouldn't be possible. I'm not stupid, Ziva, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened in Somalia." He was right behind her when she spun back towards him, eyes burning with anger. "Not feeling anything wouldn't be human."

"Well I guess I'm not human, then." At first he was about to roll his eyes or snort at her or tell her how ridiculous of a claim that was, but the look in her eyes stopped him. Along with the tiny amount of hurt, which was mostly covered up by pure fury, something in her dark eyes told him that she really believed it.

"Ziva..."
"Just go, Tony." He clenched his fists hanging by his sides, trying desperately to keep his calm and not yell at her. Because he highly doubted that making her madder or making her feel some extra unreasonable guilt would do any good. So he settled for just ignoring her repeated plea.

"Of course you are, Ziva." Adding some random, obvious comment like the fact that she was clearly standing in front of him and breathing right now crossed his mind briefly, but he quickly forgot about that again. "You do have em..."

"I know that!" Her exasperated outburst left them both stunned. Closing her eyes, Ziva took a deep breath, trying to regain her composure. "I know I do. I never denied... having emotions." She looked away from him, biting her lower lip, and it had been clear to Tony how hard it had been for her to admit to that, despite them both knowing it already. "But according to your description..." She looked him in the eyes for a split second as she trailed off, knowing he'd catch on.

Letting out a sigh she allowed herself to ease down onto the edge of her bed, and even though it was obvious to Tony how clearly exhausted she was, her body remained tense despite the resignation she was suddenly letting show. Taking her change in demeanor as his chance to actually get her to open up to him, he carefully sat down on the bed next to her, although making sure not to be too close, hoping it would make him seem less threatening to her.

"I meant what I said, Tony. It doesn't mean anything, it never means anything." Her tone was somber, yet strong. Rather than instantly reply with some denial to her statement, Tony took his time to contemplate her words. He wanted to tell her she was crazy, that he refused to believe it, but something stopped him. In some twisted way it made sense. He'd never thought about it like that before, but it would explain why she hadn't seemed bothered at all by their undercover mission so many years ago, wouldn't have cared whether they had faked it or actually had slept together to sell their cover. It would explain why she could talk about how she slept with people for information without it seeming to affect her at all, as if it was just as normal as greeting the people in your apartment building"

"I believe you, Ziva." As much as he was trying to buy some time while trying to think of a way to continue their conversation without her putting her walls back up, he also wanted to make sure she knew she could trust him, that he wouldn't doubt everything she said. "I just... It's hard to understand." He couldn't expect her to be honest with him if he wasn't honest himself. And he knew he wasn't really one to talk. He was known for all his one night stands and sleeping around, but still, he couldn't imagine not feeling anything at all, even during those nights with girls he knew he was never going to see or talk to again.

Ziva shrugged her shoulders and kept staring into the dark room. "Just one of my father's many lessons." He shouldn't be surprised, he really shouldn't, he knew what a sick bastard her father was. But still. Tony found that it was all of a sudden extremely hard to keep calm and not punch a wall or start cursing at a person who was currently on the other side of the globe. Obviously sensing his internal turmoil, Ziva looked at him out of the corner of her eyes before sending him a small and easy smile which visibly told Tony that she felt none of anger or disbelieve towards her father that her partner did.

"Do not let it make you angry, Tony. It is one of the things I can thank him for." She seemed absolutely genuine, and that was the part that made Tony's heart ache for her even more.

"...What?" Despite trying really hard not to, Tony was unable to conceal his confusion. Luckily, Ziva's reply was a short but amused chuckle, accompanied by the shaking of her head.

"The female body is nothing more than a weapon, Tony. The most powerful and effective one if used properly." Her words felt like a physical punch to Tony's gut, and so did the plain, objective tone she said them with, as if she was explaining something very simple to a little kid.

"Well yeah, no kidding! It hasn't been used as a torture technique for centuries for nothing!" He was furious, and wasn't bothering trying to hide it. Ziva just rolled her eyes, taking a deep breath as she ignored his outburst.

"As I was saying," She sent him a pointed look and getting the hint he shut up, knowing what a rare occurrence it was for her to open up to him like this. "If any woman knows how to properly use her body, there is not much which cannot be obtained, whether it's information, manipulation, seduction; anything, really." Tony hated the simple, impersonal way she described the many uses of the female body, of her body, but he couldn't deny her statement. He knew exactly how true it was, how easily he and any other man could be reduced to thinking with other parts of their bodies than their brains.

He had just never considered it the way Ziva just described it.

"That's sick!" His partner shrugged her shoulders once more, seeming completely indifferent about it. He couldn't blame her, though, couldn't get mad at her because of it. It wasn't exactly her fault that her father started beating all emotions and feelings out of her before she was ever allowed to develop any.

"You did have a point before, though." She looked at him briefly, and that was enough for him to know exactly what he was referring to. "As useful as a weapon it is, it can be just as effective when used used against you..." Tony opened his mouth, ready to share his opinion, but the hard stare she sent him along with the hand she held up stopped him. "But only if you allow it to." The look in her eyes made him swallow whatever his reply would have been, and he didn't muster up his courage to talk until she finally turned away from him.

"And when exactly did your dad teach you all of this?" He left out how, despite what she might think, it wasn't just purely logical thinking.

"When I was six." Her reply was instant, and while he knew that she wasn't making it up, the spark in her eyes and the tiny smirk on her lips told him just how amusing she though his reaction to her words would be.

"When you were six?" He sounded completely stunned, and Ziva managed to let out a small chuckle as he got up and started pacing next to the bed.

"Just the basics, Tony, like what I just told you." He stopped pacing to look at her. Did she really think that that was the basics? He was pretty sure he was still completely clueless at that age. "It is not like he made me actually sleep with anyone." Her voice was filled with a humor that Tony was unable to find in their current subject.

"Cause that didn't happen till you were 13." It wasn't really a statement, not a question either, just his way of trying to keep the mood as light as possible. He hadn't actually considered it a possibility, but when the small grin on her face fell slightly to give way to a somewhat haunted look in her eyes, however brief it was, he wasn't so sure anymore. Maybe it wasn't completely far fetched.

"So what made last night any different?" He forced himself to sit back down, wanting to get as far away from what had just been hinted at as he could. He really couldn't deal with that on top of everything else he was learning about his partner right now.

Ziva shrugged, her shoulders slumping along with normally unusual straight back, and in that moment she once again just looked so incredibly exhausted.

"I do not know." She sounded so helpless, and her words proved to Tony that something had been different. "Maybe..." Never looking towards her partner, Ziva took a deep breath, and Tony wasn't sure whether it was because she didn't know what to say or because she didn't like voicing it out loud. "Maybe Somalia really did change me, but..." He knew it had, of course it had, there was no way any person could go through something like that and not be affected, no matter who they were, but Tony could tell from her tone of voice and the way she shook her head just slightly that that wasn't it. At least not entirely.

"But you trusted my father." She whipped her head towards him in surprise, but the look in her eyes didn't mirror his own. Her surprise didn't seem to stem from the fact that he'd spoken up, and there was a flash of something in her eyes that told him he wasn't too far off, and that was what shocked her. He figured out the problem before her.

"Not 'trusted' exactly..." Letting the sentence hang in the air she narrowed her eyes slightly, but didn't look away from her partner, and Tony didn't know if she was planning on finishing it.

"But it's something you expect from the enemy." Ziva gave a curt nod before looking at her feet, but Tony didn't miss the brief look of surprise that once more showed in her eyes at his understanding.

"Hey!" When trying to catch her attention didn't work, he gently placed a hand under her chin and turned her face towards him, not at all surprised that it was completely blank. "Next time I see him, I will punch him for you." An involuntary smile broke out on her face as she shook her head at him.

"I appreciate the offer, Tony, but that is not necessary."

"Really, I wouldn't mind!"

"I know you wouldn't." She surprised him by grabbing his hand and squeezing it, giving him a true, genuine smile. "But it is not worth it." Before he got a chance to reply she'd let go of his hand and was leaving the bedroom.

"Hey, Ziva, what are you doing?"

"Getting you a blanket." Realizing that the now empty doorway wasn't going to cure his confusion, Tony got up and found Ziva going through her linen closet in the hallway. "It's in the middle of the night, Tony. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted." When he still didn't respond she stood back up, handing him the pile of stuff she'd pulled out of the closet.

"You can sleep on the couch. It's pretty comfortable."

"Okay." He didn't know what else to say. Now that she'd brought it up, Tony realized that she wasn't the only one who was tired, and he wasn't about to not take her up on her offer.

"Goodnight, Tony. And thanks." The senior field agent stood froze to his spot as Ziva rose to her toes and placed a quick kiss to his cheek. It was minutes after the door to her bedroom door closed before he was able to shake himself out of his trance and move towards the living room.

He wasn't sure what she'd thanked him for, but it didn't matter, not to him. The fact that he'd been able to make her smile, made her better, even if just a tiny fraction, was enough for a smile to spread on his on lips as he laid down on the couch.

And then my external hard drive decided to CRASH! With ALL my stuff on it (every picture / video etc from the past 7 or 8 or so years..) - Yes, my ffs were all on a USB stick, but that's also the ONLY thing that survived...

And then of course, I've been busy trying to pack, since I'm moving back to Denmark in 3 days...

That'll give me the PERFECT time to try to write more... on the 11 hour long flight!
So people, let me know what what you think...cause I won't try to write if no one wants more :)