Disclaimer: Idon''tmineeitherbecauseI'''tcare!
A/n: Okay, so this is late. As in really late. As in six weeks late, which is ALMOST five and a half weeks but...not, so I can't even say, "Hey guys, I get that this is late, but always wait five and a half hours/weeks and hahaha aren't I clever." Honestly, I would have posted this earlier (as in three weeks ago) but there were some issues and things didn't get where they were supposed to go in time so I"M SO SORRY! And thank you pedomellonaminno for (very kindly and politely) telling me to get up off of my fat donkey and write this condemned by god chapter.
Spoilers: Basically all of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End. This Spoiler Alert will last until the end of the fic. If you have not finished s4, do not read this, because there will be Spoilers. You have been warned.
000
She doesn't understand why any of this was important, why the Doctor is staring at the glowing golden girl who stepped out of the TARDIS like she is both the end of the world and his salvation, why Jack looks torn between despair, joy, and borderline terror. She doesn't understand how the broken zombie of a person she'd seen on her mum's computer screen has become this…this…
How do you describe someone who radiates absolute power, who can capture awe and fear just by standing still? What can you say to label the wildfire of righteous fury burning just beneath Her skin? Where do you find the words to communicate the different kinds of love that shine in Her eyes as she looks at each and every one of them, even her who had only seen her the one time?
She can see pain in those eyes, too. For one endless moment when the only thing that exists are herself and Her eyes, she sees the person underneath. She sees a mind ripped to pieces and slowly, oh so slowly stitched together by a man who is too afraid of making a mistake to take the necessary risks to save it. She sees a heart broken by the knowledge that She would have to leave the one she loved without so much as a memory of Her. We love him, She says. We love him with all our hearts.
Yes, they do, but though she still loves him she is no longer in love with him, no longer hopes that he can love her back the same way. She had understood that he didn't do that, and now she understands that yes, he does do that, but not with her, and that's fine. He had always been missing something when she traveled with him, only it wasn't a something so much as a someone, this unearthly woman in front of her.
But maybe they're more similar than she first thought. She can see a spark of jealousy in those eyes at time spent with him, time they could have shared. She's felt that jealousy, only she didn't realize it at the time because how can you be jealous of something that you don't know exists? She can see someone who's made mistakes, someone who's cried and who's felt guilty and who's raged at the world. She can see someone who's done impossible things simply because there's no other acceptable option.
You understand.
She walked the world in the Year that Never Was. She's been grimy and tired and hungry, and she's done the impossible because it needed doing. She understands.
In that endless moment she sees the pain, sees the love, sees the complexity of Her existence, and at the very end of it all, in its most basic form, she understands.
Thank you.
And then Her eyes rove onwards, the moment ends, and the world swims back into focus.