A/N

Huge thanks to Honorella for her lovely review of this story on The Fictionators—link on my profile.

Thank you for Iris~Elli for the Twilighted Thread. Thanks to robsjenn, my researcher.

Big Thanks to The Twi Posse, Hoot, and so many others for the PR Twitter Storm

And, of course, Orangeappeal for Pre-Reading and my beta, PaintedTeacherLady

Sooo… where were we…

From Chapter Nine (the night before)

"How is Alice? How is she holding up?"

"Alice is… Alice is blue."

"Blue?"

"Yes, and that is saying a lot for Alice. That means she's really in bad shape."

and…

"I needed time alone with Alice today… so I appreciate… I understand why you didn't come to the hospital. But, I think she misses you. Please don't stay away from Alice because of me."

"I won't." Bella either doesn't know of Alice's unreturned texts or she's letting me off easy. "Should we go in the morning?"

Bella nestles her head back on my shoulder, "Yes."

Chapter Eleven

Blue

'I came for you, for you, I came for you, but you did not need my urgency
I came for you, for you, I came for you, but your life was one long emergency'

Bruce Springsteen's driving rhythm fills the car as we pull out of Bella's garage and onto Broadway towards the hospital.

"I completely understand; you need to get some work done tonight. I've been very selfish with your time and, really, I can stay alone tonight. You don't have to babysit me."

I'm not sure why, but Bella is having a particularly sensitive morning. I mentioned writing a paper this weekend and somehow she took it personally. I'm not used to this.

"Bella, I don't babysit you." I try to keep my voice calm. "We spend time together and I enjoy every second of it." Even when you're like this and it freaks me out. "I don't have to work tonight… maybe tomorrow, after church. I assume we're going to go back to the hospital. I can get work done there." And don't even think of spending a night alone.

"Really… tonight, tomorrow, whenever you want. I mean, they should be giving you course credit for taking care of me. Isn't there some sort of internship for watching over basket cases?"

"Bella, you are not a basket case." I reach over and feel the rigidity of her neck. With only a gentle rub, Bella's shoulders spring up and she hisses. "Did that hurt?" I barely touched her.

"Yeah."

"You're so tense. Come on… tell me what's going on."

"I don't know." Bella holds Pedi more tightly and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Edward. I guess… I don't know. I'm feeling so useless." She chuckles, "I wish I had a paper to write. Can I write your paper for you?"

"Somehow cheating and seminary don't go hand in hand."

"I'm sure I will feel better on Monday, more like myself."

"Why Monday?"

"When I go back to work."

"Excuse me?"

"When I go back to work." Are you fucking kidding me?

"I heard what you said; I just can't believe what you said."

"What do you mean?"

'And your strength is devastating in the face of all these odds
Remember how I kept you waiting when it was my turn to be the god'

"You can't be serious. You're going back to Newt… Olympic Outfitters? I thought you quit."

"You can say Newton's, Edward. I'm going to say it or hear it a hundred times a day. And, no, I never quit. I guess, officially, I've been on vacation for my hon-" She cuts her sentence short. Say it Bella: for your honeymoon… with Mike NEWTON. Relax, Edward, count to ten. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. Better… a little.

"But, Bella, why would you go back? You don't have to. You have all those wedding presents … that's a lot of money. And I'm sure… well… I think Esme is going to call soon about the condo sale." About 12:30 this afternoon.

"It's not about the money, Edward. I need to work. I've always worked. What would I do all day, sit around and feel sorry for myself?"

"And Mrs. Newton?"

"What about her?" Bella's tone is gentle; she's trying to mollify me. Not an easy task right now. "She only calls the office on occasion—she's at the Forks store most days."

"What about graduate school?"

"Yes, that would be great in the fall. But, right now, I have a steady job with benefits… it's more than a lot of people have. I should be grateful I still have a job."

I let out a frustrated sigh, it's clear I am getting nowhere in this conversation.

'Cause I've broken all your windows and I've rammed through all your doors
And who am I to ask you to lick my sores'

"Edward, you know what I think? I think you have the most depressing music collection known to man."

"What? Just listen to this song. How can you not love the E Street Band?"

"Oh, the E Street Band is wonderful… Bruce Springsteen, a genius. These lyrics about a suicidal break up, I can do without."

"Good point."

"Ah-ha. I have it. You, my good man, will work on your paper, while I add something a little more uplifting to your iPod."

"You expect me to voluntarily hand over my iPod? Who knows what I'll end up with?"

"Lest ye forget so quickly? I am my father's daughter. I know music."

"Bella, you know I like you and all, but one of those songs by… who's the little kid with the weird hair?"

"Justin Bieber?"

"Yes, one of those songs by Justin Bieber, and you're out."

"You would kick me to the curb over one bad song?"

"Justin Bieber?"

"Got it."

I glance over to Bella as she scratches Pedi behind his ear. She declared her desire to pass him along to Alice while I unpacked my drawer for Bella's place and she packed one for mine. More specifically, I packed: 1) a pair of jeans—button-fly; 2) those boxer briefs Bella likes; 3) pj's; 4) two t-shirts; 5) one pair of grey dress pants; 6) an oxford—the dress pants and oxford went in the closet instead of the drawer; 7) a cable knit sweater just like Kisby's; 8) FHM, the Katy Perry issue—not that I really need it, but I like it; and 9) a dozen Belgian handkerchiefs. I still need to buy more toiletries, but I packed a toothbrush. I have no idea what Bella packed, but I'm sure it's pretty.

A few minutes later, we pull into the hospital parking lot and I catch Bella looking mournfully into Pedi's sad, plastic eyes.

"Bella, are you sure you want to give Pedi to Alice."

"Um… I think Alice could use Pedi right now." Oh, Bella, it's so obvious you can't give that bear away.

"Well… she might need a Pedi, but she doesn't need that Pedi. There's a really good gift shop…"

"Okay." Her response is so quick I can't hide my smile. "Let's get Alice her own Pedi."

"Sounds good. Pedies for everyone."

Bella gives me her embarrassed smile. "Edward, how does it feel to date a person with the emotional maturity of a child?"

"I don't know Bella, you tell me." I lean over and give her a quick kiss. "You ready for this?"

"Not at all, let's go."

~0~

Bella's description of a 'mad house' could not be more accurate. As I sit in a chair in the far corner of this little room, I watch the action unfold. It doesn't matter which new topic of conversation is introduced, it continues to go back to decisions about Alice's treatment. It is like watching an absurd Ionesco play, the same conversation over and over without any progress. How many times can the Brandons rehash the same argument?

The air is thick with tension. Not one of us is brave enough to interrupt the wind tunnel created by Mr. and Mrs. Brandon. They are a force of nature: two powerful business people adept at getting what they want. But here, in this hospital, they have no control. And their little girl is very, very hurt.

"Alice, if it's the wheelchair you're worried about, you know you can come home and live with us." Mrs. Brandon's haircut is more severe than Alice's and her face moves much less, but otherwise they could be sisters. Mr. Brandon should be on the cover of some magazine for vacations or sailing. He has a full head of silver hair and bright blue eyes that have become dimmer each day he's been here.

"I know, Mom. Thank you." Alice's voice is as listless as her appearance. Her eyes are glazed over; her hair lies heavy and dull around her face. Three days ago, she looked like she was ready to jump out of bed, head home, and conquer the world. Today, she looks like the patient she is. More machines, more IVs, less Alice.

Bella keeps vigil, sitting next to Alice. Bella's eyes meet mine, and I can see the helplessness in her expression.

'I'm feeling so useless.' Her mood, her sensitivity, from this morning is no longer a mystery. She takes out her phone and whispers to Alice before indicating to me that she is taking a call in the hallway. It must be 12:30—that would be Esme.

Once she's out of the room, Alice becomes slightly more alert. "Mom, Dad, will you do me a favor? Can you take Bella to lunch? Some place nice and make sure she eats something."

"Of course, dear." Mr. Brandon speaks up. "Your mother and I didn't recognize her yesterday. Poor thing. Is she going to be alright?"

I shift in my chair, but don't say anything. I feel a little defensive from his remarks. Don't worry about Bella—she's going to be fine. She's in good hands.

"Bella will be alright, Dad." Alice glances my way; she knows what I'm thinking. But to the Brandons, to everyone, I'm still 'that nice seminary student,' nothing more. "In fact, she's doing a lot better. I think getting her out of the hospital will do her some good, though."

Bella enters the room and gives me a subtle thumbs-up. Thank you, Esme.

"Mom, Dad could you please get me some more ice chips… and could you find some more chapstick… oh, and an extra blanket?"

Eager to do something productive for their daughter, Mr. and Mrs. Brandon leave the room with serious intent.

From Alice's bed, she cannot see the entryway. "Are they gone?" I nod. "Oh, thank God. Edward, shut the door. For fuck's sake, I wish they would leave already." We all indulge in a collective exhale.

"Oh, Alice… they're going to drive you insane." Bella stands over Alice and strokes her bangs away from her ashen face. They are quite a vision together, Bella holding onto Pedi, and Alice clutching her stuffed turtle. We agreed it was the softest, most huggable of the gift shop offerings.

"I hate to be like this, I know they mean well… but they're so intense. Thank God I didn't inherit that trait." Edward, this is no time to be snarky. "Bella, what was that phone call about? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah… um, everything's great. The condo sold."

"It did? Oh, honey, that's wonderful." Alice's performance is flawless—thank you, Alice.

"And you, Edward," Bella walks to me, stands on her toes and gives me a sweet kiss on the side of my mouth, "I don't know how to thank you." What? Oh, fuck.

"Thank me?" My voice cracks like I'm going through puberty which, given the last week, seems appropriate.

"Yes. If it wasn't for connecting me with Esme… well… I don't know what she did, but she sold it for a lot of money. Like a lot of money."

Bella shakes her head, perplexed, but I don't want her to over think it.

"Really? That's great, Bella. Esme knows real estate; every property just needs the right buyer. She's the best at finding the right one." My performance isn't too bad, either.

"I know… but it doesn't make sense…"

"Bella, with the shit hand of cards you've been dealt, who cares why it sold for a lot. Stop worrying, enjoy it."

"You're right. I don't know what I'm thinking. I guess I'm still in shock."

"Listen, we only have a few minutes before my parents come back… Bella, honey, would you do me a favor? Will you go to lunch with my mom and dad? They could use some time away from the hospital. And, please, make sure they eat something."

"Of course, Alice"

"Thank you."

I have so much to learn from Alice Brandon.

As if on cue, the Brandons return with the goods from their scavenger hunt and Mr. Brandon announces, "Mrs. Brandon and I were thinking about getting a little lunch. Bella, Edward, will you join us?"

"We'd love to," Bella replies.

"I have an idea," Mrs. Brandon says, "why don't we give the hospital cafeteria a rest and head off campus for lunch?"

All three of them look so proud of themselves, each barely stopping short of winking at Alice.

Alice quickly glances my way; she knows I admire her work, and I know she wants me to stay. I wish I could read Bella's mind half as well.

"Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Brandon, but I think I'll stay here and keep Alice company."

I walk them out and shut the door, feeling positively buoyant from the performance I witnessed. "Damn, Alice you are good…" I stop in my tracks when I turn the corner to see her. Alice's eyes are closed and her expression is pained. I realized how much energy she exerted in arranging the lunch date.

"Alice?" I am about to get a nurse when Alice holds up a finger, stopping me. I freeze, watching her take a few breaths. Eventually, she opens her eyes, blinks up at me, and gives me a sad smile.

"Don't look so scared, Edward, I'm okay."

It takes me a moment, but I eventually find the ability to nod. Alice is the strong one—the strongest of the three of us. Without her… Lord, give me the strength to carry us all; let me fulfill your purpose for me here today.

"I hope you're not waiting for an invitation." Alice shifts her eyes to Bella's seat. Unlike days ago, Alice barely moves a muscle—her shoulders, chest, even her head seem locked in place.

I move the chair right up to the bed so that Alice can see me more easily. It's like I'm going up to bat, but the aluminum feels heavy, foreign, in my hands. I know I'm here for a reason... maybe I'm in trouble. Please don't let me miss the ball. I follow Alice's eyes as they dart to the morphine pump on the tray next to her.

Carefully I pick it up, fearful of its power, and ask with my eyes if she wants me to hit the button.

"No. I want to stay lucid for this conversation." I lay it next to her, glad to have it out of my hands."I hope you're not disappointed about missing lunch with the Brandons. I'm sure it would have been entertaining."

"Not at all."

"Good. I've missed you, Edward."

The harsh, florescent light behind her casts deep shadows under her eyes. Seeing her like this only intensifies my shame. "Alice… I… the texts yesterday… I'm so, so sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Alice waves her hand, dismissively. "Bella told me about her… accusations. It sounds like quite the conversation you had." I nod again, not sure how much Alice knows about our night in the woods. "Didn't I tell you… photos would have made the funeral a lot more fun." Even with her thin, tired voice, Alice attempts to be her droll self. She succeeds in making me smile, but it's still heart breaking.

"I'm sort of glad you avoided me, Edward. It shows me how much you care about her feelings. But, let's not let it happen again, okay?"

"Promise."

"So, how's our girl Bella Swan doing?"

"Good. I think she's going to be okay."

"You're not just telling me that, are you? Watching her with that bear is pretty pitiful." I pretend to rub my jaw, but I'm really covering my smile at the bright green turtle securely nestled in the crook of Alice's arm.

"I know what you're thinking… but this is a turtle, it's completely different. Besides, I'm only holding it so Bella won't feel silly."

"Of course." I try for a serious face, but I can't do it. Fortunately, Alice breaks out in a soft laugh that devolves into a sad smile.

My two girls with their sad smiles.

I take her hand, thread her fingers in mine, and press my lips to her knuckles. I glance down at her bare fingernails and think back to a few days ago when I watched her expertly apply her own manicure.

"Oh, yeah… so much for my mani. Apparently, nurses like to look at my nail beds. Hard to do through a French manicure." I nod and focus on her face instead of allowing my eyes to float to the new machines surrounding her.

"So, how's our girl Alice Brandon doing?"

"Oh, you know me… they'll be writing about me in medical journals, woman wills pelvis to fuse together so she can wear a decent outfit." I don't know if Alice realizes I heard that line when she gave it to Bella… when she was saving Bella from worry. Alice's performance no longer carries its earlier vibrato. She can't hold up her act, or maybe she's willing to let it go? Maybe this is why I'm here. I pray for insight.

"Alice, what happened?"

Alice inhales and slowly breathes an anguished, "I don't know." I keep her hand in both of mine—I would hold her if I could, but with her fractured body, this is my only way. "I was doing okay a few days ago, wasn't I? It wasn't my imagination."

"Yes. Yes you were, Alice."

"And then the pain came. Real pain… intense pain. And I'm a tough woman, Edward… I can take a lot, but this… this is something else." Lord, take away her pain; give it to me.

"What do the doctors say?"

"My pelvis is still unstable. And this thing… fuck… this stupid, archaic thing is doing nothing. Look at it Edward… look at it."

At her insistence, I let my eyes drift to the metal brace—the scaffolding—surrounding her. We all pretend it isn't there, but it is impossible to ignore. A steel rod, inches above her skin, spans the length of Alice's narrow hips. Two thinner rods anchor each end and connect to bolts protruding from her hips. Alice no longer wears pants altered to allow for the bolts. Today, only a sheet gathered around her wounds protects her modesty; her legs are bare.

I drop my head to our hands. Dear Lord, help this wounded child of yours. Grant her freedom from her suffering. Let her know your love—help me to show her your love. I swallow and try to continue with a strong voice, looking only in her eyes.

"I understand you have some decisions to make."

"Yeah." Alice too, struggles to find a steady voice. "I can go home in this brace, or another like it, and be in a… wheelchair for several months."

"Okay, okay… that's one option."

"Or, I can have surgery and have permanent metal rods placed in my hips. I'll still go home in a wheelchair… but maybe I'll get out of it sooner."

"Okay, so what are our plusses and minuses?" I can solve this; with some logic I can end her torment.

Alice starts and stops several times. Her eyes squeeze shut, fighting off imminent tears.

"Is it the wheelchair?"

"Yes," she whispers a guilty breath.

"And the brace. People seeing the brace?"

"Yes."

"And clothes… not being able to wear your clothes."

Alice looks up at the ceiling and her tears begin to flow. Her voice shakes, "You think I'm really vain, don't you?"

I hand her my handkerchief. "No, God no. I don't Alice." And I mean it. Believe me Alice. "I think you want to feel like yourself again. You don't want people to pitying you… you want them to see you and not your accident." I understand, Alice… I swear to God, I understand.

Dabbing the corners of her eyes, she looks to me and says, "Edward, I can't rely on people to drive me places… help bathe me… reach a fucking coffee cup. It's not me… it will kill me."

"And if it were Bella? If Bella needed your help… if any of your friends needed your help, you wouldn't…"

"Don't do that to me, Edward." Fuck, am I making this worse? I kiss her hand and let it go. I stand and start to pace.

"Alice, tell me what you need. Do you want a driver? A nurse? A… fucking cabana boy? It's done. We'll move someone in to… to cook for you, to take care of you… anything you need. Say it and I'll hire someone this afternoon… I'll hire a fucking team of people." Finally, my money makes sense… has a purpose.

"Oh, Edward… my dear, sweet friend. I have… my parents have… well, we've talked about hiring someone. It's not that… I don't know if I can be that dependent on anyone—even someone hired."

This is so frustrating. We're close to solving this… we have to solve this. Come on Edward, think. Maybe we could… I don't know… ah, fuck, fuck, fuck. I run my fingers through my hair and it fucking sucks. I want my long hair back.

"Okay… so let's put that option aside for a minute. Let's talk about surgery. You could be out of the chair sooner, right?"

"Yes." Her voice is still so small. Problem solved, done.

"Well, then… let's have the surgery. What's wrong with the surgery?"

"I'm… the doctors say I'm not st- strong enough yet… and I'm s-s- scared." Before my eyes, Alice Brand loses the war against the onslaught of tears. How could I be so blind? I sound exactly like her parents. I'm not here to solve her problems, answer her questions; I'm here to provide her comfort, give her love.

I go to her and hold her delicate face in my hands and kiss her head as she cries. "I'm sorry, Alice." I don't know how, but I need to hold her—she needs to be held.

"Alice, stop me if this hurts." As gingerly as I can, I slide my arm behind Alice's neck. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," she sniffles.

Slowly, I slide my arm down until it is between her shoulder blades and the bed. "Does this hurt?"

"No," she speaks between her soft cries.

I crouch down and reach my other arm across her chest until I can clasp my hands together and touch my chin to her head.

Alice moves her head in the crook of my neck and continues to cry.

"There you go, Alice."

Aching, choked sounds tumble out of her, "I really needed… a hug… I haven't had one… since I got here."

"I know… I know Alice. It's going to be okay, Alice. I promise. You're going to be okay. We love you Alice, we all love you so much."

"Thank you… I'm s- so- sorry… but I need this… I wish I didn't, but I d- do."

"Don't be sorry –you feel alone, don't you Alice? You feel alone even with all these people here."

My neck absorbs a fresh wave of hot tears and strangled sobs. My own memories of grief lance through me like cold steel; I feel my heart twist at her sadness.

"That's why I'm here. You're not alone anymore. I love you, Alice Brandon. I love you."

Alice continues to cry and clutches onto my arm. "I love you too, Edward… don't let go yet."

"I won't. I'm staying right here."

And I do. Bracing my body, I fight my urge to squeeze her more tightly, to pull her into me and have her feel all of my power, all of the support I am able to give.

I welcome the pain that accompanies holding her in this way, the slow burn in my thighs, and the creeping ache in my lower back. I will not move. I will stay here until my legs give out. For a long time, I hold her like this. I allow the flames to consume my body and remind me that no physical suffering can match the agony of loneliness.

Eventually, she says, "Let's not tell Bella about this… okay?"

"Deal," and I feel her sobs meld with laughter in my neck.

Alice pulls away from my embrace, and I can see her deep red, swollen eyes—the drenched handkerchief she uses to wipe her tears. I should carry two handkerchiefs, at least. "I have a secret to tell you."

This time, it is Alice who holds my hands to her. I sit down and listen with my heart.

"I don't know the last time I've gone to church on my own accord. When I go with Bella, it's only because I want to go to brunch afterward." I think about my Sunday brunches with Jasper; they will make quite a pair.

"Alice, I don't judge."

"That's not the secret part. The secret is… I've been praying a whole lot lately." Though Alice subtly cringes when she says this, it brings me a pure, clean joy.

"Yeah? Me too… and Bella. Maybe we should get a family plan and save on minutes."

A warm, relieved smile stretches across her face. We sit in silence for a few moments, then she kisses my hand, and sighs, looking longingly into my eyes. Oh, I now know why I am here.

"Alice, would you like to pray with me?" The words flow out of me with an assurance I've never known. For the first time, I feel no shame. My faith is a pool from where I drink—my source of strength and love. It is where I go when I too feel alone. If Alice wants to drink from this pool, I will gladly offer her the cup.

"Yes, please." Alice's whispered consent is her own prayer. "Will you do the talking?"

"Of course." We hold all four of our hands together, between us. "Let us pray. Heavenly Father, we gather together to give you praise and…" I stop because these words are not my own. They are borrowed from Carlisle and other spiritual leaders. These are the words we are taught to use when beginning and structuring a prayer... but they are not my words.

I start again, "Hi God, this is Edward and Alice, here. Um… we could really use your help…" I talk to God like he is my friend, because really, he is. I tell him that we are scared and have decisions to make. We ask for peace and guidance, to find serenity in these turbulent times.

Even Alice begins to talk, "And God, help me let my parents know that I really do appreciate all they are doing. And can you help them find peace, too?"

We pray… well… we talk to God for a long time. When I think we're done I say, "Lord hear our prayer."

And, like the good Catholic girl Alice is, she repeats, "Lord hear our prayer." Together we say, "Amen."

"Close your eyes, Alice. You need to get some rest." She complies and I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders as I detect a new calm on her face.

"Edward, tell me a story." Does Bella tell you EVERYTHING?

"Alright, Alice… um… I'm going to tell you a story about a man named Jasper Hale. You see… Jasper came to Seattle about eight years ago. As a Southern boy, he was out of his element when he first arrived. Fortunately for him, he was assigned a terrific college roommate. But we'll talk about the roommate another time."

Alice rests her eyes and feeds herself ice chips as I continue tell her all about Jasper. I even give her embarrassing college stories, which evoke a smile. Not until today, did I fully realize how good they would be for each other.

Although I want to persuade Alice to meet him now, while she's in the hospital, I refrain. She has enough on her plate already. Like Bella and my secrets, there is only so much one should be exposed to in times like these.

When we hear the lunch crowd at the door, Alice's eyes spring open and she asks in a hushed voice, "How do I look?"

"Like you're ready to conquer the world."

~oo0oo~

Bella and I wait until we are the last of the parishioners to exit the church before approaching Carlisle.

"Reverend Cullen, that was one of the most inspiring sermons I have ever heard."

"Well, thank you, Bella. But really, you have to start calling me Carlisle."

"Alright, thank you, Carlisle." As she grabs my hand, I can tell that Bella is still nervous around him.

Gently swinging our hands between us, I stand proudly next to her. Carlisle titled his sermon, 'The Blessings of New Relationships', and based it on Ephesians 4:32. I've often wondered if he writes his sermons knowing what I need to hear.

I look down at Bella as they speak, really, I can't take my eyes off of her. She wears a simple blue skirt and a lighter blue cardigan. Her hair is pulled back in a loose bun. Bella's beauty is so natural it stuns me. I can't stop thinking, 'Preacher's wife… you would make a good preacher's wife. I should be a preacher, so you could be my wife.'

"Carlisle, it's funny to sit in this church and think in just a couple of years that will be Edward up there. Well, maybe not up there… but in front of some congregation somewhere."

Carlisle's brows shoot up and he looks at me. I can't shrug; it's too obvious.

"Yes, Bella, it will be interesting to see where Edward ends up."

She looks at me and smiles with a bit of admiration. Do you want to be a preacher's wife?

"Yes, it will be interesting to see where I end up." How does therapist's wife suit you?

"So, will we be seeing you two for dinner?"

"It is Sunday, isn't it?"

"Yes, Son, it is."

.

.

A/N:

No, I didn't kill Alice. It is far to early in the story for me to do that ;)

So, hankies from Belgium? Kisby's sweater? These are references to "Good Enough" an outtake you can find under a separate story on my profile (chapter seven).

It you don't know Springsteen's "For You," check out a heart-breaking rendition on my profile.

We are discussing happy songs for E's iPod on Twilighted.

For the next five weeks, my life is crazy. I should still be able to update every two weeks.

Review? Yes, please. Edward will send you a handkerchief.