Old Habits Die Hard

In August 2007 Nicole and Antonio graduated their foster parent class.

"Congratulations," the social worker said to the couples with their certificates. "And on behalf of the children of Maryland, thank you."

xxxxx

"Are you ready? They will be here any second," Antonio said.

Two days after becoming licensed foster parents Nicole and Antonio were expecting their first foster child to arrive. She was three years old and her name was Heather. She had been abandoned by her parents four months before and had been in the system ever since. She'd been in one previous foster home, but her last foster parents sent her away when she broke an antique during a tantrum. Nicole was ready to take her on.

Even though when they were filling out the paperwork Antonio and Nicole said it didn't matter what race the child was, as luck would have it Heather was half African American and half Hispanic.

The doorbell rang.

Nicole took a deep breath and let it out. "I'm ready." She grabbed his hand and they went to the door.

A social worker was holding the hand of a child that stood no taller than thirty-six inches with brown eyes and dark brown hair that was slightly longer than shoulder length. In her eyes Nicole recognized that look of sadness and hopelessness.

"This is Heather," the social worker said. "Heather, this is Nicole and Antonio."

"Hi, Heather," Nicole said.

"Hi," Antonio said.

None of the three adults expected her to answer back and she didn't. Her social worker gave Antonio her suitcase and gave Nicole Heather's hand.

xxxxx

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Nathan said. "You've been getting prenatal care from the same doctor all these months. She delivered Joe. She knows you. If we go to Indiana you'll have only a week or two to get to know the doctor who will deliver this baby."

"It makes sense that we go to Indiana for a while. Then our family won't have to come all the way over here for Joe's birthday and they will be able to see this baby as soon as he's born. And I want to go home for a while. I haven't seen any of our relatives other than my mom since the wedding last year."

"How long do we have to stay out there?"

"Maybe until a few weeks after the baby is born. Why are you dreading this so much?"

"I'm not looking forward to facing my dad. I haven't spoken to him since I quit the business. I knew I'd have to see him eventually. I was just hoping it wouldn't be this soon…I better get these last suitcases out to the car. I can't believe we have to drive all the way there. Ten hours on the road with an eleven-month-old. I can't wait."

"Blame the airlines. They don't let women in the third trimester fly."

xxxx

"And this is your room," Nicole and Antonio ended the tour of their home. "This is your bed," Nicole told Heather, "and we might have another little girl come here and she will sleep in that bed over there."

"Are you hungry, thirsty? Do you need anything?"

Heather shook her head. They still had not heard her voice.

"Antonio, give Heather and I a minute alone, okay?"

"Sure. I'll get lunch started."

Nicole sat Heather on the bed next to her. "My mommy and daddy left me too when I was your age. I know how scary it is to be sent to live with strangers."

"Where did your mommy and daddy leave you?"

Nicole smiled, having finally gotten that child to talk. "My mom went away and my dad…he died."

"My daddy and mommy took me to the bus stop and they said they would be back, but they never came back for me."

"I know. And the policeman found you, right?"

"Yeah."

"They loved you, but they knew they couldn't take care of you anymore. They wanted you to live with people who could give you what you need." That was the biggest lie Nicole told that week. Heather's parents abandoned her because they didn't want a child. The wanted the money they used to feed and clothe her to support their drug habits.

"I wish they would come back."

"I know. But I promise you will be happy here." Nicole kissed the top of her head.

xxxx

Nicole left Heather to get used to her room and have time alone. She went downstairs to help Antonio in the kitchen.

"I called Teresa," Antonio said. "She'll be here early tomorrow, so you can be here while Heather gets to know her before you have to leave them. How is she doing?"

"I got her talking. It's going to take some time for her to feel comfortable with us, Antonio. Don't expect her to be loving and affectionate right away just because she's a kid. We might never get through to her before she leaves."

"I know that, Nicole."

"I just don't want you to be disappointed."

"I can handle it."

xxxx

Nathan pulled on the freeway.

"What are you going to say?" Jess asked him.

"To who?"

"Whom. Your dad."

"I don't want to think about that now, hon."

The ride was basically silent except for Joe's occasional cries and the music they played to quiet him down. They were two hours away from their home town when Jess decided to ask him something that had to be asked. And that was the last chance she would have for a while to ask it.

"Nathan."

"Yeah."

"What's wrong? Really."

"What are you talking about?"

"Are you upset about the baby?"

"No. Where do you get these ideas? Jess, I'm fine with the baby you're carrying. I'm fine with Joe, and I'm fine with you."

"So then what's wrong?"

"…I guess I'm just frustrated. I was doing the math last night and I found out that I am not going to be bringing home a paycheck until my residency and even then I will only make around thirty thousand a year. I remember the days when I made that in a week…on a bad week."

"So what are you saying?"

"Get that look off your face. I'm not saying I'm back in the Mafia. I'm just frustrated."

"It must be hard for you as a guy to not make anything, but you need to think of the big picture. You could either have a career where you have to lie to your kids about what you do or you could stand a little dent in your pride now so later your sons can say they want to grow up to be doctors like daddy. And financially we are fine. Better than fine. I can't think of anything we need or want the kids to have that we can't afford."

"Why doesn't that make me feel better?"

"I'm not a shrink, but if I were I think I'd say that you're upset about disappointing your dad and nervous about facing him."

xxxxx

Nicole read the last line of the story they were reading to Heather and she closed the book. Antonio tucked her in and Nicole turned on the night light.

"We'll see you tomorrow, Heather. Good night."

"Good night," Heather said.

They turned off the main light and shut the door to a crack.

"You enjoyed reading her that story," Nicole said.

"I loved it. I am so glad I am not in the bureau so I can be here to do that every night…And maybe for our baby too. How is that coming?"

"I haven't been on the pill since the honeymoon. If we can still have kids we will." She flipped on the hall light for Heather and they went down stairs.

"Mom is coming over tomorrow after her shift to meet her. If I forget be sure to tell Teresa in the morning because I don't think either of us will be home yet when Mom gets here."

"Okay. I think I will go in the family room and call Elias. I want to see how he's doing and tell him about Heather. Then I'll call my parents."

xxxxx

Jess put the key in the lock and turned the knob of her mom's house. Nathan walked in behind her with Joe in his arms asleep.

"I've been waiting for you guys," Toni said.

"We probably would have been here an hour ago, but we stopped at every single rest stop on the way," Nathan said looking at his wife.

"You know what," Jess said, "why don't you carry the baby for a while?"

"I am carrying a baby. And this one weighs a lot more than the one you're carrying."

"Nathan, you can put Joe upstairs. I have the playpen all set up," Toni cut in before the quarrel escalated.

Nathan left the room with Joe.

"Trouble in paradise?"

"Nathan is being such a pain lately. I don't what's wrong with him."

"He's probably nervous about the baby. When I was pregnant with you your dad was a mess. Even though you were our second baby it still unnerved him."

"Why?"

"Double the money, double the stress, double the crying…get it?"

"I guess so."

"Don't worry. He'll come around."

xxxxx

"Tomorrow I am going to the toy store and I will send Heather the nicest present I can find," Antonio's mom told him.

"Thank you. I'm sure she will love it.

"Did you talk to your brother lately?"

"I called him tonight. He's doing well." Antonio couldn't tell his mother that he couldn't reach Elias and that when he talked him a month before he sounded awful.

xxxxx

That evening after Heather had gone to sleep at an unexpected seven-thirty Nicole and Antonio had the evening all to themselves. They weren't pregnant, but talked about it, and for the fun of it started thinking up names for the child they might have.

"What about…" he thought of another name, "…Richard?"

"No. How about Mathew?"

"Mateo."

"I could never pronounce that. Maybe we should think of girls' names. I have a bunch of those. Hannah, Carly, Christiana."

"Alexis."

"That's too popular."

"And Hannah isn't popular? Every girl I see now is named Hannah."

"I didn't say it couldn't be popular at all. I just said I would prefer if it weren't too popular."

"What do you think about Zachary for a boy?"

"That's a good one."

"Then Zachary if it's a boy and Hannah if it's a girl?"

"All right."

Before they went to sleep that night they tried again to conceive Zachary or Hannah.

xxxxx

"This is almost unbearable, Jess," Nathan said as he laid with his wife on her old twin bed with Joe's playpen in the room with them. "Why the hell didn't we just get a hotel?"

"It probably wouldn't be this bad if I weren't this fat. It's going to be worse when there's a bassinet with a screaming infant in here too. You're right. It was a bad idea to come here."

"You're not fat. You're pregnant. And yes, it was a bad idea to come here…I can't take it anymore." He got up. "I'm going to go sleep on the couch."

She grabbed his hand before he walked away from the bed.

"What is it?"

"I don't know."

He kissed her hand and let go. "Don't worry, babe. This mood I'm in has nothing to do with you."

Jess did very little sleeping that night. Not only was she uncomfortable from the pregnancy, she was scared to death that her marriage was falling apart.

Nathan and Jess were no longer the Nathan and Jess they used to be. They used to be happy.

We used to complete each other, she thought. Now we're just in each other's way…Actually it seems more like me, Joe, and our baby are in his way. What is happening to us?

It was probably more the hormones of the pregnancy than anything else, but she did more crying than sleeping that night.

xxxxx

Nicole and Antonio's alarm clock went off. Instead of the groggy looks they usually had on their faces, that morning they both were smiling from ear to ear.

"Good morning," he said.

"Good morning."

"Do you think we made a baby last night?"

"I don't know. Let's go take care of the baby we have now."

"Teresa will be here in half an hour. What time are you going in?"

"I want to give Heather at least forty-five minutes to get to know her before I leave, so I'll be a little late. I already cleared it with Kemyss."

xxxxx

Toni was feeding Joe his breakfast in an old highchair she'd found in the garage when Jess came in the kitchen.

"There you are," Jess said to Joe. She kissed the top of his head.

"I heard him crying and you were still asleep, so I took him. What is Nathan doing on the couch?"

"I can't tell if he was too uncomfortable in the bed or just wanted to get away from me…I hope you hosed this thing down," she said about the highchair.

"Of course I washed it. What's this about Nathan wanting to get away from you?"

"When is everyone getting here?" Their family was coming over to celebrate Joe's first birthday.

"Around twelve. I got the cake in the refrigerator."

Jess sat at the table. "Oh, I can't wait for this baby to come out. After what happened to him I never thought I'd say this, but I hope this one comes early. I'm already nine months pregnant, so he would be fine if he came now."

"You don't want him to come now. When they're older Joe and that baby will not be happy if they have to share a birthday."

"You know I was thinking about that. Joe's birthday is September third and this baby is due September fifteenth. Every year from now on I'm supposed to have two parties in the same month?"

"That is a choice you will have to make with them when they are older. For the next couple of years you can have their parties on the same day. It won't matter to them, but in three or four more years they might want their own day. And they should have that if they want."

Nathan came in.

"Good morning, Nathan," Toni said.

"Morning."

"The family will be here around noon," Jess said knowing Nathan would want to know when his dad was coming.

"Great," he spoke with sarcasm. Toni didn't notice it.

xxxxx

Antonio was the first person home to see his foster child.

He picked her up and was happy when she didn't resist it. "Did you have fun with Teresa today?"

"Yes."

"She was a very good girl," Teresa said.

"Where is Nicole?"

"She will be home later, honey," he told Heather.

xxxxx

He put it off for five hours, but it was time for Nathan to confront his father. They went upstairs to the den, away from the party, so they could be alone.

"What do you want, Nathan?" Nathan Sr. asked his son.

"I thought we should talk. I haven't spoken to you since I left the business."

"I don't think there's anything to say. You abandoned your family and gave up money that your wife and kids need. And for what, what are you doing with yourself now?"

"I'm in medical school."

"School. What are they paying you?"

"Nothing."

"So you're mooching off your wife. And what's going to happen when you graduate? How much will you be making when you're a doctor?"

"I don't know exactly."

"It won't be as much as you were making before, that's for damn sure. I don't know what's wrong with you, Nathan. You've always been a hard headed son of a bitch. Always going against me. Even when you were a kid. And you wonder why you got your ass kicked so much."

Nathan was shaken, but didn't know why. It wasn't like it was out of character for his father to talk that way to him. It had just been so long that the wounds had slightly closed and were just reopened…and salted.

xxxxx

"There you are." After a search through the house Nathan found his wife in the kitchen cleaning up the highchair that their baby had desecrated with cake and ice cream. "I wanted to let you know I'm leaving. I'm going back to Maryland. Call me when you go into labor."

"Nathan, wait." Jess couldn't move fast, but luckily she caught her husband in the driveway and caught him before he got in the taxi he called. "What happened?"

"I just talked to my dad. I can't stay around him."

"All right. We'll go to a hotel."

"I don't even want to be in the same state with him, Jess. I have to go home. And anyway I shouldn't be taking so much time away from school. Call me when the baby is coming. I'll be here before he's born."

xxxxx

It was three days before her due date and Jess decided to do something she used to do all the time before she moved away—she visited her dad in the cemetery. Actually it was a mausoleum. She sat on a bench in front of the wall where her dad was.

"Hi, dad. I know it's been a long time since I've been here…About three years. I didn't come when I was here last year because the first time I was so worried about telling the family about Joe and when I came back for the wedding I was really stressed out. I guess you know Joe turned one year old last week. He's still small, looks about ten months old, but he's so much bigger than he was the day he was born. He's crawling. He is starting to pull himself up and stand. His doctor says he'll be walking soon.

And this one is due in just a few days. I can't wait to see him…And of course you know about Nathan. I guess you know all about Nathan. I am so afraid he is going to go back to his old habits. He's so frustrated with not making money in medical school. And I know his dad just made things so much worse. I don't know what I'll do if he gets back into that stuff again. I can't stay with him, but I also don't think I can raise these boys alone and be an agent…"

xxxxx

Nicole picked up her home phone that afternoon. "Hello."

"I was expecting the machine."

"There was nothing to do, so my supervisor sent me home," she told Heather's case worker. "What's up?"

"I have some very good news for you. Heather's parents terminated their parental rights in family court today. Since we can't track down any relatives, she is officially available for adoption."

"You're joking. Does that mean we can have her?"

"It sure does. First thing's first, you have to come in and fill out some paperwork. Then it will take about six months for the adoption to be finalized."

"This is great. I'm going to call Antonio right now. Thank you so much."

xxxxx

"In six months she will be all ours forever. We go in tomorrow afternoon to fill out the paperwork," Nicole told Antonio.

"Great, honey. This is just great. As soon as I get home I am going to call everyone."

"Do you think I should tell Heather?"

"No. Let's not say anything until it's final. We don't know what could happen."

xxxxx

"…So that's everything that's new with me," Jess said to her father. She had such a sense relief after she told her dad every feeling, every fear, and everything she felt she couldn't tell anyone else. Sure he wasn't talking back, but somehow saying what she felt out loud helped her a lot. She smiled feeling much better, but that didn't last long when she felt a sharp pain. "This cannot be happening now. Why do I always go into labor in the worst possible places?" she said to herself and him while dialing her cell phone.

Nathan excused himself from his group at the medical school when his cell went off. He saw from the caller I.D. that it was Jess. "Are you having the baby?"

"Yes. I'm going to the hospital right now. When will you be here?"

"I left my suitcase in the car, so I don't even have to go home. I'm heading to the airport now. I'll be on the first flight." He heard her moan and didn't hear anything in the background. "Where are you?"

"At the mausoleum."

"Alone?"

"Yes. But it's okay. I'm at the car."

"You're sure you can drive yourself?"

"I'm pulling out of the parking space right now."

Nathan stayed on the phone with her while she drove to the hospital and he drove to the airport. Then he hung up to call the school and tell them why he left and she called her family.