Chapter Four

I feel like I'm losing my mind, trapped inside these four walls. I swear they're closing in on me. The room feels like it's shrinking every day. It's been weeks and the Doctor just broke the news that I'll be in here for Christmas and New Year.

Ruby visits every day and keeps me company. I'm not too steady on my feet yet so she got special permission to take me out onto the grounds for some fresh air in a wheelchair. I have to take my oxygen with me though, which sucks. I keep thinking that I can do without it but every time I take it off, I can't breathe. That becomes self-explanatory really, doesn't it?

I've asked her about Brax a few times and she admitted that he isn't coping. He's closed the restaurant and Casey said that he's holed himself inside and is drowning all his sorrows. I feel bad to have caused all that pain but I had to do what was right. He isn't the person I belong with and it would be a lie to try and force it now.

Leah has also visited a lot, as has Elijah, Watson and even VJ. Bianca stopped by yesterday and we're friends again. I'm so relieved and so grateful that she accepted my apologies. I think it helped that I have broken up with Brax and I hope she could see how adamant I am about changing and making things right.

She's also on cloud nine because she and Liam have got engaged. And in a big, happy surprise, she asked me to be her bridesmaid. I am so happy to have her back. It felt like this was the second step in rectifying all my mistakes, although some will be harder to face than others.

Tomorrow, Inspector Joyce is coming in to interview me. He's taking my statement about the shooting and I am preparing to lay myself bare concerning all of my mistakes. I'll be taking back my resignation, although I'm fairly sure that I'll be fired without dignity. And that's just the best case scenario. The chances are that I'll be charged with various crimes and could even face a prison sentence. But if that's the case, then I'll just have to get through it. If you do the crime, you must do the time, right?

I know now that I should have done things differently. I should never have made those mistakes in the first place but even if I had, I should have followed my instinct and faced up to them. Instead, I let Brax justify me and hide me from reality. I have to be stronger than that now.

Ruby was concerned when I confessed all to her. She was shocked at the lengths I had been willing go to go for Brax. And she's further shocked that, having gone to those lengths, I am walking away from our relationship now. But that's half the reason.

I sacrificed a lot of myself when I was with Angelo. I excused him every time he was unkind or shouted down my opinions. I was willing to use illegal money to save his business and get his brother, Paulie out of debt. He confessed to nearly cheating on me and I was so afraid of losing him, so afraid of being on my own and having another failure behind me that I went against every instinct and moved in with him. I knew I didn't want to and just the thought of it made me physically sick. But I was stubborn and I went ahead and looking back now, I feel like I lost a lot of dignity a long time ago.

Whether I clawed it back or not when we broke up, I don't know. But when I entered into a relationship with Brax, I lost my morals. Things that had defined me and were so, so important, vanished all because I was in love with a man I should never have been with.

I've explained all of this to Ruby and I think she understands. She told me today that she would do anything I wanted in order to support me. She said that she is more than happy to come with me over her summer break before University starts, to help me try and track Joey down. And I still plan to move to the city with her but this time we won't include the boys. Ruby said that Casey won't go without Brax and they will try to keep things going long distance.

She also said how much she adored Joey and that she was sad when we couldn't make it work. She said that the only other time she has seen me happier than I was with Brax, was with Joey. And she agrees that her love is something I should try to hold onto. And that is most definitely my hope.

Next time… Charlie confesses all to Inspector Joyce and gets Ruby to help her with the first step of trying to win Joey back…