Awful, Beautiful Life II

Nathan and Jess got to the church on the day of the funeral. He went in and she stayed outside thinking about what she would say to eulogize her mother and brother.

"Jess?"

"Yeah." She didn't recognize the lady in her early sixties that she was seeing.

"I know you don't remember me. The last time I saw you you were only a few days old."

"Who are you?"

"Your grandmother. I'm you mom's mom."

xxxxxx

"And now Toni's daughter and Doug's sister has something to say," the minister said.

Jess walked passed the coffins, up to the podium, and looked at her family and friends of the family that filled the pews.

"I never thought I'd be here saying these words. Even as I stand here looking at you all it seems surreal. Like a dream. A nightmare really. Because this happened so unexpectedly I don't even have anything prepared. I spent the past few days planning this funeral. I never had time to write out eulogies, so I guess I'll just talk about my mother and brother.

My brother Doug was four years old when I was born. I have two children that are only twelve months apart. It doesn't seem like much, but I've seen first hand how different a twelve-month-old is compared to an infant. In child years four years is not close in age as far as development is concerned, but Doug and I never seemed to notice that. It was like we were the same age growing up.

Some of my best childhood memories are me, him, Sabrina, and Nathan playing together, hanging out in our rooms telling secrets that no one else knew. To this day we know things about each other that even the people that know us best would never guess…"

xxxxxx

Two babies was more trouble than Nicole had expected. Antonio was better at juggling them than Nicole because he was the first off work every day and had to watch them after Teresa left.

Nicole was changing Joe and Antonio was changing Toby.

"I can't believe Teresa does this nine hours a day," Nicole said. "I can't believe you do this until Jess or Nathan comes to get them."

"The key is to remember little tricks to make it easier. I'll give you one right now. Make that diaper tighter because if you don't he will take it right off. And this one, he gets colicky if you don't burp him twice after every feeding."

"I think you know more about these kids than their own parents do. You are going to be such a wonderful father."

"You know what I was thinking? Maybe we should set up our baby's room today. We can go buy everything we'll need."

"What are we going to do with them? It's Sunday. We can't call Teresa."

"We'll bring them with us. We can use real babies as visual aids."

xxxxxx

"…Doug wasn't just a friend to me though. He was a typical big brother. He was always looking out for me. I could talk to him about anything. Whenever I brought a bad grade home on my report card or a test he would be the first person I showed it to and he would stand by me while I told our parents. If I ever had a problem with another kid in school or in the neighborhood Doug was the one that took care of it. I never fought any battle by myself…"

xxxxxx

"We want to start with the things we will need to have delivered," Nicole told Debra, the employee that was helping them—a blond haired lady in her mid thirties.

"Let's start with the crib. We have a large variety of cribs; white, wood, antique. Do you have any preference?"

"We have wood floors in the bedrooms. A wood crib would be a good match," Antonio said.

They came to the aisle with the wood cribs. "This is our selection."

"Wow," Nicole said. "This is going to take a while."

Twenty minutes later they were half way down the aisle.

"These cribs are all the same, Nicole."

"This one has a Natural finish. It matches our floors exactly."

"Get it."

Joe started crying.

"I guess we didn't take in to account how fast toddlers get restless," Nicole said. "Take him to the toy aisle."

xxxxxx

"…It's so funny how we just assume we have plenty of time to say the things we want to say to each other. There are so many things I wanted to tell them. Things I wanted to ask them. To talk to them about. Stuff I really wanted them to know. I know they know everything now, but I still wish I had got the chance to talk to them about it.…"

xxxxxx

"Do they make changing tables that have straps to keep the baby from rolling off?" Nicole asked.

"They stopped doing that because they wanted to discourage parents from leaving their babies unattended on the tables," Debra said. "All they have now are railings. Call me when you decide."

Nicole looked at all the tables for a while before Antonio came back with Joe.

"Where have you been?" she asked—he'd been gone for half an hour.

"Tickling Elmo. This should keep him quiet the rest of the day." Antonio placed the toddler back in the cart with the toy.

"This is the only Natural finish changing table they have."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Some of them have dressers underneath. This one doesn't. And I'd like the rail to be higher"

"We're never going to have a hand off them when they're on it, so what does it matter?"

"Okay. We'll get it…About what you just said, 'we'll never have a hand off them.'? I think one is enough. After what we've been through with Heather I don't want to try to adopt again and I am getting to the age where it's a risk to the baby to get pregnant. Think of it this way, this baby will be our only child. She or he will get all our attention. This baby will feel very special."

"I didn't think of it that way. That must be pretty cool to not have to share your parents with anyone."

"It is. I remember being the only child in one of my foster homes. It was nice…before it all went to hell."

xxxxx

"…No one could ask for a better mother than Toni Mastriani. She was the typical soccer mom. She was on every field trip, at every school function me and Doug ever had. Some how she managed to be a disciplinarian and a friend to us. We respected her, but we felt we could talk to her about anything. As a mother of two young children, I find myself lying awake at nights trying to figure out how she did it and how I can be half the mother she was…"

xxxxx

"We'll have these things at your home between four and five this afternoon," Debra said.

"Now what?" Antonio asked.

"Now we change and feed them and look at car seats, strollers, and unisex newborn clothes."

"When are we going to know whether it's a boy or a girl?"

"We still have a while before they can tell the sex for certain. Anything before that is an educated guess. And I want them to be sure before we buy anything pink or blue."

Nicole and Antonio sat in the eatery. Antonio fed Joe and Nicole gave Toby a bottle.

"Burp him twice, right?" she asked.

"Now you're getting it."

"I better. We still have two more days with them."

"Do Nathan and Jess even know that we have them?"

"Only if she called Teresa. She probably didn't. I wonder what happened with them. I'm sure he did something."

"You should give Nathan a break, Nicole. He's not that bad. I talk to him every afternoon. He's a good guy."

"He was in the Mafia."

"He was in the Mafia. He gave it up for his family. He really loves these kids. And he loves Jess."

"Then why is he always screaming at her?"

"We always hear her start screaming first. She is pregnant and she has two children under two years old and she works fifteen hours a day. Of course she is going to be irritable and short with him. I would bet anything that she starts most—if not all—of those fights."

xxxxx

"…I found out on the day that this happened that I am pregnant. I was unhappy about a third pregnancy in less than two years and I actually thought I was going to terminate it. That was one of the things I wanted to talk to my mom about. Since she is gone I guess I'll have to get used to figuring out what she would say. She would have wanted me to have it. My last act as her daughter will be to do what I know she wanted me to do. She did so much for me, but I think this last thing was greater than all of it put together. She saved my baby's life."

xxxxx

At the wake Jess was by the buffet with Sylvia.

"That was a beautiful eulogy, Jess. What you said about the baby really got to me."

"I could tell."

"He proposed to me the day before the crash." She showed Jess the ring.

"A part of him will always live on in you."

"More than you know. I found out I was pregnant last week. I told him the day he died. I was thinking about abortion from the time I heard about what happened until you said all that stuff about knowing your mother wants you to have the baby. I think Doug wants me to have this baby, even if I'm doing it alone."

"I know he does. And you're not alone."

xxxxx

Nathan was in a circle with some of his relatives talking.

"How are you doing, Jess?" Nathan's cousin asked her.

"Much better."

"What you said was nice."

"Thank you. Can I talk to him alone?"

"Sure." Everyone surrounding Nathan walked away.

"I'm keeping the baby, Nathan."

"I know. I always figured you were. I had no idea you were thinking about abortion."

"I was never going to do it without talking to you first, but I think if you'd been okay with it I would have."

"I think I might have been okay with it. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I know this is hard on you. But this is something I have to do. I can't go through another loss this year. I have to have this baby."

"I understand."

xxxxx

Antonio carried in the last of the things they bought that they didn't have delivered while Nicole put down two very fussy babies down for their long over due nap.

Nicole and Antonio looked at all the bedrooms trying to decide which should be their baby's. They picked a room and started setting it up. When the crib and changing table arrived they put both of them together.

"It looks pretty good in here," Nicole said.

"It'll look better when we know if it's a boy or a girl. We can paint the walls and pick quilts for the crib."

"Let's invite my mother over for dinner, and then we can surprise her with this."

xxxxx

Before she went home Jess had one more thing to face. She had to know this woman who claimed to be her grandmother.

"I wasn't sure you'd want to have anything to do with me," her grandmother said. "You must be pretty angry with me."

"I don't know anything about you."

"Your mother never told you what kind of mother I was?"

"She never said anything about you at all. What happened?"

"It wasn't one thing. It was just a bunch of little stuff. I was young when I had her and I wasn't a good mother. It wasn't like I had boyfriends or was abusive or she went without food, but I wasn't there for her the way I should have been. By the time I realized it, by the time I wanted to fix it she was all grown up and she thought it would be best if I was out of her children's lives. I guess she was afraid I would hurt you and your brother the way I hurt her. I wish I could have seen you grow up. I wish I could have been in your life."

"It's not too late for you to be in my life and you can see my children grow up. Come stay with us in Maryland sometime. We can get to know each other."

"I'd like that."

"What is your name?"

"Maddox Mochrie."

"Maddox. What origin is that?"

"Celtic. Actually it's a boy's name. I was named after my father. It's a long story."

"Tell it to me when you visit us."

"All right."

xxxxxx

"Are you sure you and Nathan can't stay longer?" Jennifer asked.

"No. I have to get back to Joe and Toby."

"What are we going to do about the house and the restaurants?"

"Damn it. I didn't even think of that…I don't know what I'm going to do."

"I'll take care of it, babe," Nathan said. "I'll drive you to the airport and I'll stay here and get everything in order."

In the car as they were getting closer to the Indianapolis airport Nathan reached over and held her hand.

She looked at him.

"I want the baby…I want you to know I want this baby."

xxxxxx

Nathan stayed in Indiana for a month taking care of everything that needed to be done. Sylvia and her unborn baby got the house and he sold the restaurants that the family didn't want.

Things were good between Jess and him for the rest of the pregnancy. It was starting to look like they were going to be okay.