Chapter Eight

I've been home for a few days now and I'm very glad to be back on my feet – even if I still need my oxygen. The Doctor said that soon, I'll be able to move onto just having inhalers and stuff and I'm trying not to get too hung up on that. I guess when you've got nothing wrong with you, you take it for granted. But I maintain that right now, I'm just happy to be alive. So I'm not going to get too fixated on the changes I have to make to my life – not the involuntary ones anyway.

What I am focussing on are the things I am choosing to change about my life. I've read most of my books and ventured to town with Ruby to get some more. She even watched But I'm a Cheerleader with me when I was in hospital and she laughed her head off. It is a pretty awesome film!

But anyway, I've been a busy girl with all my plans. With Liam and Bianca announcing their engagement, I managed to get over to see April and Irene today and they're helping me plan a surprise engagement party for them. Before I was shot, the idea had been that we'd hold it at the restaurant but now that Brax hates me, I think that would be inappropriate so we're holding it at the Diner instead. Roo, Marilyn and Leah are going to help out with the catering and decoration and I've put everything on my credit card.

I'd already had everything planned but not finalised, even though Bianca hated me and I wouldn't be in the Bay to see her celebrate. I'm more than a little thrilled that now we're friends again, I can celebrate with her and Liam. They've been on such a hard road together. They deserve this joy and I'm honoured to be Bianca's friend again. And I am utterly determined not to mess it up this time.

I also spent a lot of time on the phone, trying to track Joey down. I spoke to the company that she left for her long haul with but the said she left after nine months with them. I was so tempted to use my position as a police officer to try and force them to tell me where she went but I'm not prepared to do anything unethical again. If I'm going to find her and prove to her that I've changed and that I can be the good person she always believed I was, then I have to make sure I don't cut corners.

So, I appealed to the woman on the phone and explained that Joey and I had been in love but I'd messed it up and now, I was desperate to do anything I could to try and find her and win her back. It was a risk for two reasons. Firstly, you never know who could be homophobic in this world and assisting a lesbian relationship might have been the last thing the woman wanted to do. And secondly, it was the first time I'd willingly admitted to a stranger that I'm anything different that heterosexual.

The strange this was that it was pretty easy. The words came out and I didn't cringe or blush or panic. And I guess my earnestness must have showed and she certainly wasn't a bigot because she said she would try to find out where Joey had gone next and get back to me.

A couple of hours later, she directed me to a cruise ship company that they had been asked to give a reference for. I looked on their website and they do a lot of big trips. Working for them must be or have been very exciting for her. I've never seen Joey so alive as when she was out on the water and I think about our boat trip on the Blaxland with so much fondness.

I think that was the first time that I realised I was in love with her. I remember the way my heart pounded when we stood so close together and how my skin tingled when I held her hands. I wish so much that I could go back to that day and make things right. How might things have turned out if I'd had the courage to kiss her like I wanted to? How might things be different?

But anyway, I called the company and once again explained my plight. They were reluctant to help me and rightly so. It's against confidentiality legislation to just give information out. I offered up all my credentials as a police officer, although I ensured they knew it wasn't a police matter. And I pretty much vowed to do anything they needed me to in order to find out where she was.

They caved, fortunately. Joey Collins is working for them still and is part of the crew on a huge cruise ship that is taking thousands of people around the world. She left on this particular tour two months ago and she'll be arriving back in Sydney on 14th February this year. So that gives me five weeks to sort myself out, get to the harbour and be there when she docks. It gives me five weeks to become worthy of her.

I know it's a huge risk and the chances are, she won't want to know me. I'd be surprised if she wasn't already dating someone. I mean, a girl as amazing as Joey isn't likely to be single for that long, is she? But I know I have to try. If she's even willing just to hear me out, even if she decides it's over, at least I'll know I've done my best. I have to give myself this chance. I've spent too long hating myself and making mistake after mistake. It's just a shame that it's taken near death to make me really want to live life. But still, it's better late than never.

Next time… Charlie returns to work, Ruby makes a decision and everyone prepares for Liam and Bianca's party…