A/N:

Thank you for your lovely reviews. We made it to 2,000 last chapter (and some)!

Much thanks to Team SGMR: orangeappeal, robsjenn, and Sunshine.

Just for clarity, Seth in this story is not Sue's son.

So... the retreat awaits...

Chapter Twenty-One
Retreat

.

.

Edward,
I expect a freezer's
worth of venison
when you return.
Love,
Your Leggy Woman

We're almost out of range; I hope to get in a few more texts.

Dear Legs,
Venison?
You are definitely from Forks.
BTW-I don't hunt
Love,
Your Pacifist

Dear Kind One,
I don't like hunting either.
I also don't like venison.
Shh. Don't tell the good
people of Forks.
Love ALWAYS,
Your Bella

B-
I already miss you.
-E

I press send, and get an error message in return. We are officially out of range.

"Reverend Cullen, our phones aren't working anymore," Brady calls from the back of the van.

"That's right, Brady. We have reached the point of no return," Carlisle says in a spooky voice. "We are stuck in the mountains where we will be without our cell phones, TV, radio… whatever will we do?" Carlisle teases and it brings about a small chuckle. They love Carlisle and the dad-like, gentle sense of humor he uses with them. "Should we go back now, Edward?"

"Maybe. I'm already starting to go a little insane. Are you sure there won't be any TV? No radio, Carlisle?"

"No. It's a shame we're going to miss that Seahawks game."

"No way, dude, Edward, you said you were going to bring a radio for the game."

"I did, Brady?" I turn around and give them my best dumbfounded face. "I totally forgot."

I turn back in my seat and glance sideways at Carlisle, both of us grinning. It was his idea to bring the radio so we could listen to the game.

"Come on, you guys are kidding us, right?"

"Did you pack a radio, Carlisle?" I ask loudly enough for them all to hear.

"I'm not sure, I think I may have. It's a good idea to have a radio, in case of an emergency." Carlisle glances in the rearview mirror, watching their faces.

"But a Seahawks game is an emergency."

Within a few seconds, the guys are chanting, "Emergency, emergency, emergency…"

When it reaches a fever pitch, Carlisle calls out, "Yes, yes, we're going to listen to the game."

The guys cheer as if they themselves just won The Super Bowl.

It's going to be a good weekend.

~o~

"Sixteen, seventeen… Alright, gentlemen, it looks like we can keep the hotdogs in the cooler. I believe we have enough fish for quite a feast. In fact, we might have a record here."

The guys clap and high five each other as Carlisle snaps the cooler shut.

The fishing trip always lasts until each of them catches at least one fish. I figured out Carlisle's pattern during my first trip, when I was fifteen. We seemed to be fishing forever, and I wasn't having any luck. About ten minutes after I caught a fish, Carlisle declared the fishing trip over.

I look at the happy, accomplished faces of this motley bunch of teen boys. Some look like men, with their broadening shoulders and slight stubble, while the younger ones seem like they are still just round-faced boys. All of them, happy to be away from the troubles—both big and small—they've left behind.

As we walk back to camp, Embry takes out a knife given to him by his father, and four others follow suit showing various hunting knives and army knives they've brought for the trip.

"My dad and I came down here just a couple of weeks ago," Josh, one of the quieter, younger ones, says. "I can clean a fish in under a minute."

"Under a minute? Good thing. We can use those skills," Carlisle says, putting his arm around him. Josh looks up and beams at him as if God himself came down and complimented him.

I pick up my pace so I can catch up with Seth, walking somewhat away from the others. He's shot up in the last few months-as tall as I am and starting to fill out, transitioning from string bean to man, just as I did at that age.

"Seth, hey, you had some nice catches. What did you catch like three? Four?" I know he caught five.

"Yeah, something like that," he says sheepishly, staring at his feet as he walks.

"They were big, too."

"I like to go fishing. I haven't been in a while."

"Me neither. It's hard to find the time."

"I know." I look over to him. I think he might want to say something else, but doesn't. "I hate the cleaning part. Maybe I can get Josh to clean my fish."

"What's the matter? Afraid to get your hands dirty?" He teases and peeks up to gauge my reaction.

"Oh." I mime a dagger entering my heart. "Be careful, Seth, you're big enough now; I can stop letting you win at basketball."

"What? You've never let me win. I totally beat you the last time we played." Here we go.

"Aww, is that what you think? That you actually beat me? I so let you win."

"Prove it."

"You want to play again? I'll play again, if you want… if you're prepared to lose."

"Oh, you are on Masen."

"Yeah? You think you can handle me?"

"I know I can handle you."

"Tomorrow morning, me and you. Unless, of course, you get scared and back out."

"Me, get scared? I don't think so."

"Okay, we'll see."

~0~

After the last group of boys heads to their tents to sleep, I pull on another flannel shirt and meet up with Carlisle by the dying campfire.

"Tired, old man?" I ask as Carlisle stretches and yawns.

"I still have a little life in me."

"Good. I'll get the fire going again." I throw a log on the fire, and take great pleasure shifting the wood, hearing it crack. I rest my head back onto my log and watch the occasional ember twist and float against the dark blue sky.

"I wish we had some beer," I whisper.

"Me too. It's not always easy being a role model."

"You and I should come down here sometime, just the two of us."

"Yes we should, Edward. Let's do that. Maybe we can squeeze in a trip before it gets too cold."

"I'd like that a lot." I look up at the stars and take a cleansing breath, now realizing how much I've missed Carlisle this month. We've had official business, but nothing like this. "Sorry I haven't been around much."

"I understand. It looks like things are going quite well between you and Bella."

"Yeah, they are. Well, I think they are. No, they are."

"You spend so much time together, today must have been rough for you."

"No. Surprisingly, I think it was okay. You know, I get focused on the boys and all."

"I heard you challenge Seth to a game of basketball… Oh, the memories."

"I know, right. You were good with that whole pick up game of basketball bullshit."

Carlisle laughs and I look up to see his kind eyes shining in the light of the fire.

I remember well the Saturday morning a few months after moving in with him, Carlisle tapping on my bedroom door and asking me to join him at the gym for a pick up game. I thought it was odd, but I'd do anything he asked. Little did I know it was a set up; we picked up a game with the man who would soon be my therapist.

"That was a very clever way to get me into therapy."

"It was Liam's idea."

"Now he is a good child psychologist."

"You should get back in touch with him, Edward. I'm sure he'd have insights on graduate school."

"I should." I remember Carlisle feigning a sore back, leaving Liam and me alone to finish the game. "I never knew it was Liam's idea."

"You would have kicked and screamed any other way."

"No. Kicked and screamed?" I turn to look at him.

"Been horribly reluctant?"

"Really?"

"No. You would have gone. But you would have been angry… and felt guilty… maybe shut yourself away in the bedroom for good."

I lie back down and cover my eyes with my forearm. "God, those were rough times. I put you and Esme through hell."

"No you didn't, Edward." He nudges my foot with his own. "You tried so hard to do anything but." Much of it is a blur, but I tried. "Remember when you tried to pay off our mortgage with your inheritance?"

I groan. "Oh, man. I couldn't understand why the bank teller wouldn't take my check. Seemed simple enough." I shake my head and try to laugh at the memory.

"Or the day you got up early to walk to school, ten miles away, so we wouldn't have to drive you."

"Oh, shit. I forgot about that one."

"You almost made it, too."

I hear Carlisle's soft laugh and pull my arm away.

"We made it through, Edward. We made it through."

Carlisle gets up and heads to the cooler. "Marshmallow?"

"You mean there are some left?"

"Secret stash."

"That is the last time I suggest Kumbya in front of a bunch of teenage boys holding marshmallows."

"They were being nice. At least they didn't throw any of the toasted ones at you."

As I clean off a couple of sticks, Carlisle opens the bag.

"Hey, Carlisle, you don't ever hear from Detective Jenks, do you?"

"No Edward. I think that door is closed."

"Yeah. I guess so."

"If I did hear from him, you'd be the first to know."

Unbidden, my memories of pestering Det. Jenks on a daily basis come to mind. The day Carlisle found out was one of our hardest.

"So, you think the… um… you know… was just random?"

"I do. They fully investigated anyone with motive."

I hand Carlisle a stick and he passes me the bag. Silently, we sit toasting our marshmallows—Carlisle with his slow tanning method, and me, setting mine to fire. Some day, God, let me know who. Let me know who did it.

I pull the sticky glop off and pop it into my mouth. So sweet. In the silence, my mind drifts to my sweet Bella. She'll be going to sleep soon. Please God, no nightmares. I exhale, slowly. Though I blew in her ear before I left, maybe this one can make its way to her.

"Thinking about Bella?"

"Yep." I look into the fire as I lick and bite the last of the melted marshmallow off of my fingers.

"Carlisle, when you and Esme started going out, did you take her on a lot of dates?"

"Well, yes, sure, but we didn't date very long before I proposed."

"But I mean actual dates, out to dinner and stuff."

"Yes. Dating is a natural part of our courtship culture." I catch him watching me, curiously. "Don't you take Bella on dates?"

"Um… not really. Only one." I scratch my brow, feeling a little embarrassed. I took her to Kell's, not exactly Seattle's most romantic.

"Well, maybe that's how people do it these days. I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I remember wanting to woo Esme."

"Yes, woo, I want to woo." He understands me. "Carlisle, I'm old fashioned, I mean I thought I was… I want to be."

"So, how do you and Bella spend your time together?"

Having sex.

"You know, sometimes, it is like we're an old married couple already. We have our routine. We have Alice, who's like our child, or my mother-in-law, or something." I chuckle to myself, "No that's not fair, I mean we're like a little family. Bella says she doesn't need dates but…"

"Trust me, if you're in a routine already, Bella needs dates. You need dates. I know you and Bella started off in a… unique way, but I am a firm believer in dates. Even Esme and I have dates."

"Do you?"

"Yes, yes. We don't let two weeks go by without a date… and throwing in a little present, a surprise here and there, doesn't hurt. We work at it. We work at being romantic."

My Bella, with her surprises… her nightie, my hospital socks, the playlists… she works at it.

"Edward, I'm not sure if you want to talk about this, but…" Please don't bring up sex, "the fact that you and Bella are physically intimate…" No, no, no. I don't want to talk about sex, "can make things a little more complicated."

Avoiding his eyes, I place another marshmallow on my stick. I sigh and kick myself as I ask, "You think we should stop, don't you."

"Stop? I don't think that's possible, do you?" Oh, thank God.

"I highly doubt it."

"What I am saying is, don't make the mistake of thinking sex takes the place of romance. Wooing, dating, whatever you want to call it, is a ritual to prove to your partner that you are worthy. Even when our partners already see us as worthy, it's important to remind each other why we are." He drops his voice to a whisper, "It makes the sex better."

Better? Like I needed another reason to woo her.

"Thanks, Carlisle. Things have happened really fast for us. So fast, it sometimes makes my head spin. But I want to woo her. I will woo her."

"Good. Now I have a question for you, Edward."

"What's that?"

"Do you ever think I'll get them to call me Carlisle instead of Reverend Cullen?"

"Nope."

~0~

Holding my flashlight and notepad, I crawl into my sleeping bag.

Ha, Newton Outfitters, my camping gear came from REI.

I begin my list:

Ways to woo Bella:
1-Dating:
-Nice restaurant, jacket and tie
-Weekend away, Rose stay w/ Alice?
-Europe? When?

2-Gifts:
-A New Car
No, she'll resist that.
-Lingerie, clothes

Is that insulting? I don't remember Dad ever buying Mom clothes. I'll have to ask Alice.

Gifts? Gifts? Bella doesn't seem to like material things, does she? Jewelry. All women like jewelry. Don't they?

I'm stuck.

I suck.

Any ideas, God, let me know.

I turn off my flashlight.

Good night, my Bella. Sleep tight.

~0~

I stand on the blacktop, dribbling the ball and praying for wisdom.

"Last chance to back out, Seth."

"Are you kidding? I've been counting the minutes 'til this rematch."

"Should we start with a little game of Horse?"

"Sure."

I pass him the ball. "You can start."

Seth starts with a basic layup. He wants this to be a friendly game.

"I thought I'd start easy on you, Masen."

"Thanks." I easily replicate his shot.

"So, Seth, you don't go camping much anymore?"

I take a shot from the foul line. Seth tries the same shot, but misses. Sorry, Buddy.

"That's H for me." He dribbles for a few moments and makes his next shot. "No, I haven't gone camping this year. Not since my parents' divorce."

"Huh. Well, that's no good," I say before missing my shot. "You see your dad on weekends though, right?"

Seth goes in for a back handed layup and makes it. He passes me the ball and I dribble for a moment as he speaks. "Nah, he misses most weekends. He has a girlfriend."

"That sucks."

I take the backhanded layup and make it.

"Yeah, but there's nothing I can do about it, right?" Seth takes off his sweatshirt leaving him in just a t-shirt and I do the same. At least I'm not sweating because I'm getting old.

"Have you told him how you feel?"

"Yeah, he knows. I told him… Doesn't matter."

Seth chucks the ball, revealing his anger. It is a hard, misguided throw that skims the edge of the backboard.

So very bitter. Your dad is an asshole. Some people should not have kids.

Seth retrieves the ball and passes it to me.

"I bet it feels like she's taking him away from you."

"Yeah, it does. Exactly like that."

"So, how is your school work going through all this? I'm still thinking we can find you a good college scholarship." I can guarantee it.

"They slipped at first, but now their good. My girlfriend is really smart. She makes me study all the time."

"Girlfriend? Holy moly, aren't you like twelve?"

"Shut up. I'm sixteen." And with that, Seth dunks his next shot.

"Take that, Masen."

I try the same shot, but miss, letting out a loud grunt at the effort.

"I think that's an O for me."

"I lost count," he shrugs.

"Yeah, me too." I pass him the ball, "Next shot is yours." The game has served its purpose; it was never about the competition. We take turns shooting as we continue our conversation.

"Edward, how old are you now, twenty-three? Twenty-four?"

"I'm twenty-six."

"Wow, you are old."

I bounce the ball off of his head, so quickly it barely registers. "Ow."

"Didn't hurt. Careful, I'm quick… Try to block me." We spend a few minutes playing one-on-one and I get in a couple of decent shots. "Surrender. I need water," I say and we head to the bench.

"So, you have a girlfriend, right, Edward?"

"Yeah, I do, Bella." I smile and use my shirt to wipe the sweat from my face.

"And you're twenty-six."

"Yep."

"So, are you like a virgin still?"

Holy Fuck, I was not expecting this.

"Shit, I'm sorry. That was too personal." I look over and can see him mentally kicking himself. I'm sure I look like that too sometimes.

"No, no, it's okay." I sigh. I need a moment to figure this out, but I look at his face, expectant, nervous, and for all intent and purposes, fatherless.

"Well, Seth, you know the church's stance on pre-marital sex…"

"Yeah, I do," he says, sounding frustrated. He takes the ball from me, and spins it in his fingers.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk to Carlisle about this?"

"Reverend Cullen is great, but a little old. You're, you know, cool."

I laugh. "You'd be surprised what great advice he gives, even with stuff like this."

Seth slowly stands from the bench and dribbles the ball away from me. "Edward, if you don't want to talk about it, it's alright."

"No, no… let's talk about it."

Seth takes a shot and I catch the rebound.

"What's her name?"

"Mary."

"How long have you been seeing her?"

"'Bout five months."

"So, um… what do you guys do together?"

"You mean like sex?"

"No. I mean, how do you spend your time together."

"I don't know. She usually comes over after school, we study, hang out. My mom works late, so Mary and I make dinner. You know, we mostly talk."

All that at sixteen? "Really? What do you talk about?"

"Our messed up families," he says with a little laugh, "friends, college, the future, stuff like that."

Mature relationship. "Is she in the same grade as you?"

"Yeah, we're both juniors."

I run through my list of why they should not have sex, but most of my arguments won't work in this case.

"Does she pressure you?"

"Nah, not really. We both want to, but I guess I'm more of the hold out. She says she's cool waiting. I just really don't know what I'm waiting for. You know, it's hard," Seth starts to laugh goofily at the pun, "really, really, hard." Yes, he is sixteen.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. "

We start to shoot baskets again, giving me some more time to figure this out.

"Seth, what about pregnancy?"

"She's on the pill."

"What about STDs?"

"We're both virgins, Masen."

"What about love?"

"I love her. I really love her."

He goes in for a basket and I block him, stealing the ball.

"Seth, sex is supposed to happen between a husband and wife joined in Holy Matrimony."

"Yeah, Edward, I know. And we want to get married. We think we should graduate college first, unless we…" he stops and examines my face.

"Unless what?"

"Well, we thought about getting married early. In some states you don't even…"

"What? No, no, no. You are not getting married so you can have sex. Seth, listen to me. Sex fucks with your head."

"Oh, great, a scare tactic." He all but rolls his eyes at me.

"No, no, I'm not bullshitting you. Once you start having it, it is all you want. And, chemicals are released that bond you further together… and… your frontal lobe isn't even developed yet, won't be for a few years… and…" I sigh and look at his disappointed face; this isn't working. "I never answered your question."

"I know."

"Look, I'm not a virgin, but I waited a really, really long time."

"Did it fuck with your head?"

"Watch your mouth." He looks apologetic for a second before I crack a smile.

"I think so, Seth. I think I started to get really jealous, protective."

"Was your relationship better before you started having sex?"

His question halts me. I don't know, never will. There was no relationship before the sex.

"Um… I honestly don't know, Seth. That's a good question." I put my hand on his shoulder. "What I do know is that when I was abstinent, I didn't have to spend a lot of energy trying to decide if I should or shouldn't; the answer was always going to be no. If you take sex off the table, you don't have to worry about it. It frees you up to think about more important things."

I can tell he genuinely considers my message. "Edward, guys my age think about it all the time whether they're having it or not."

"That may be true… I'll tell you what, take it off the table for three months and you won't have to worry about it. Then come see me and we'll talk about it again." I'll be more prepared next time.

"Three months…? Okay. It's a deal."

"Good, and Mary should talk to someone, too. This is something that you both need to decide."

"Edward, in three months, can I bring Mary with me to talk to you?"

No.

"Um, sure, we'll talk about it together… One more thing, if you decide you can't wait, you have to come and talk to me before you do anything."

"So you can talk me out of it?"

"No. Well, I might. But you need condoms and…"

"She's on the pill."

"I know, but you should still use a condom and spermicide and jellies… and, please, please don't have sex."

"Alright Edward, we can do three months." He looks young again and carefree. Maybe a weight has been lifted.

"Good."

"So, can I get a chance to beat you now at a little one-on-one?"

I bounce the ball off of his head again.

"Ow."

"Didn't hurt," I say as I make my basket.

~o~

"Three months?" Carlisle asks me as we stand away from the guys who are listening to the Seahawks game and eating an obscene number of hot dogs.

"Yes. It's the best I could do. I should have been more prepared, but it threw me."

"I think you did fine. A lot can happen in three months, the relationship can change, he can change… "

"You and I need to talk before then."

"Oh, we will."

"You know Carlisle, I realized today that most of what I tell these guys are just things you've told me over the years. I guess I was stumped because you and I never had that talk."

"I know. I was waiting for it, but it never happened." He turns his head to me and gives me a half smile. I can't read his expression. Proud?

"I wonder why." I say it mostly to myself. Why didn't I struggle with abstinence until college, until Tanya? Even then, it wasn't much of a struggle.

"Edward," Carlisle looks like he isn't sure if my question was rhetorical, "you had far more important things on your mind at that time. You were living one day at a time for a while and sex was one coping mechanism you didn't try." The way he says it makes me think there were several other mechanisms. There was a bit of drinking but… I don't want to ask, not now. I'll figure this out.

And that's when I feel it, the first large raindrop. It's like a full tablespoon of water that splashes on my sweatshirt, soaking straight through. Then another on my forearm. Carlisle and I meet eyes as one lands on his cheekbone.

"Oh, shit," Before the expletive leaves my mouth, a wall of water falls on us from the sky.

The guys immediately throw the food in the coolers before running to their tents. Carlisle and I sprint into his tent as the rain and wind almost carry it away.

"Should we?" I ask, not wanting the decision to leave land on my shoulders. I prayed for this rain on Friday, but ending the trip now feels like breaking from your dance partner before the song is over.

"I don't think we have a choice." As he says it, the wind tries to lift the tent from the stakes.

Carlisle runs out of the tent hollering above the rain, "Come on guys. Let's go, let's go, let's go."

Several minutes later, I slide the van door shut and jump in the passenger seat. I turn back around to look at the guys. We're all here and all soaked to the bone. For a few seconds, we silently stare at each other, catching our breaths, and then break into hysterical laugher.

"That was the fastest packing in the history of camping," Embry says.

"Do we have everything?" Carlisle asks.

"RC, I don't think we'll have a clue what we packed until we unload the van," Brady says.

I look over to Carlisle's wide grin. He might not be 'Carlisle' to them, but as of this moment, he has a nickname.

I grab a couple of dry flannels from my backpack. After a few minutes of being pulled over to the side of the road, most have found some sort of dry shirt to change into.

The van is quiet for the first part of the trip. I believe each one of us is reflecting on our weekend amongst the trees.

"RC?" Embry begins, solidifying the new nickname. "Next year, can we try for a two day trip again?"

"Yes, I think we should," I answer before Carlisle has the chance to.

"It sounds like a done deal, then," Carlisle says, glancing into the rearview mirror.

The announcement is met with happy sounds and a smattering of applause from the gaggle of young men.

I settle back into my seat, watching the dark road ahead of us, and continue my contemplation, my series of what ifs: What would I be like today if I didn't lose my parents? Would I have had sex earlier? What if I lost my parents, but didn't have Carlisle and Esme? Did I really drink that much?

What if I didn't have sex with Bella the first night we met? Would we be more in love? Could we be?

No. I shake free of these thoughts. Bella said it herself, 'God brought us together.' You did, didn't you, God? The rest doesn't matter.

I'm going to see her tonight. It finally sinks in. I want to nuzzle my nose in the hollow place at the base of her throat.

I want to breathe her.

"Cell phones are working," one of the guys calls from the back.

"Call your parents and tell them we're heading home," Carlisle says.

"Do you want me to call Esme for you?"

"No, thank you. I was thinking about surprising her."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Probably too late for dinner, but I thought after I drop off you and the guys, I'd pick up a nice bottle of wine."

"Carlisle, you are romantic, aren't you?" He raises one eyebrow, knowingly. "Hey, would you mind dropping me off after the wine shop? I think I'll surprise Bella with a bottle." Or maybe two, drunk Bella comes to mind.

"In the mood to woo?"

"I'm all about the woo, Carlisle."

About thirty minutes outside of Seattle, I hear my cell phone vibrate in my backpack. It takes me a while to find it, and when I do, I see there are three text messages. The first two Bella sent yesterday morning:

E,
I miss you already.
B

Interesting, she sent the same message I did, but mine never made it.

E,
Never forget, I love you.
B

I won't, Bella, I won't.

The next one was just sent from Alice:

Edward,
Tell Bella to call me.
She won't answer.
-Alice Brandon

I have to read it again, because it doesn't make sense.

Carlisle notices my stare at the phone. "Edward, is something wrong?"

"I don't know. I'm confused," I answer automatically.

I call Alice:

"Hi Edward."

"Hey Alice. I got your text."

"Yes, Bella isn't answering. Can you put her on for me?"

My whole body goes numb with the exception of my thundering heartbeat.

"Alice, Bella isn't with me."

"She's not?"

"Alice, I've been away since yesterday morning. I've been on a retreat."

I pray for some sort of recognition in Alice's voice, but the other end of the line is silent.

"Retreat?"

"Yes, yes, Alice. I've been away on a retreat," my voice is hot with anger, "isn't this girls' weekend, Alice?"

"Edward, I don't know what you're talking about… we had girls' night on Friday and then she went over to your place."

"Where was she last night, Alice?"

"Edward… I… I …" Her answers aren't coming fast enough, I'm beginning to sweat.

"Was she in the apartment last night?"

"No," she breathes as the realization sinks in.

We sit silently as the blood drains from my face. Something is wrong, horribly wrong.

"Edward, Edward, listen to me. Bella does this sometimes. She disappears. She likes alone time. Let's not freak out, Edward," her voice betrays her, Alice is as panicked as I.

"Really, Alice, she does this sometimes? She lies to everyone so she can get alone time?" My voice drips with bitter sarcasm and I feel Carlisle's hand on my shoulder.

"No, no, she never lies."

"Think about it, Alice, when was the last time Bella didn't return one of your texts?"

"Forks."

"And we both know how well she was doing in Forks."

"Edward, that's it, she must have gone to Forks. Let me call Charlie. No wait, I'll call Angela, just in case. I don't want to upset Charlie."

Yes, yes, she must be in Forks.

"Alright, call me right back as soon as you know anything."

Please God, what's happening?

"Edward?"

I swallow and look at Carlisle. "Bella is missing."

Carlisle hits the accelerator and my back presses into the seat. I squeeze the phone tighter and tighter. I bet I could crush it.

"Edward, call Esme, see if she's seen her."

I hit speed dial and she answers on the first ring. It's a short conversation; she knows nothing.

I end the call and experience a surge on energy, increasing exponentially with each second I wait for Alice's call. I can't sit still. I want to run. My knees bounce from pent up adrenalin.

Where is she, God? Please let her be okay.

The vision of my wall of windows, smeared with Bella's handprints, flashes in my mind. What if she's locked in a nightmare somewhere? My stomach tightens. I clasp my hands behind my head and press my elbows into my knees.

What if she's dead?

"Calm, Edward. Count to ten." Carlisle's voice tries to soothe.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Where could she be? I have no logic. I can't think.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

"Why the fuck hasn't Alice called?"

I shouldn't have come here.

I text Alice:

Still waiting.

"Try calling Bella."

Yes, of course.

The phone rings until I get her voicemail:

"Hi, this is Bella…"

"Bella, it's Edward. I don't know where the fu- I don't know where you are, but please call me the second you get this. I hope to God you're okay."

I shouldn't have come here.

I call Sue.

"Well, Edward. Isn't this a nice surprise?"

"Hey, Sue," I try to keep my voice as casual for as long as I can, "are you with Charlie right now?"

"No, I'm not. Do you need his number?"

"No, no. Have you seen Bella? Did she come to Forks this weekend?"

"No, she didn't." FUCK "Why, did something happen?"

"She's missing."

"Missing? I don't understand."

I do my best and fumbling my way through the brief story. Bella lied to Alice and me and is now missing.

"Oh, Bella. She should not have done that." Sue's voice doesn't have the slightest trace of urgency.

"Done what?"

"Well, she shouldn't have lied to get some time alone." Again with the fucking alone time. "I guess she must have had her reasons." Right now, Sue's laid-back response is driving me insane. She doesn't get it.

"Sue, do you know about Bella's nightmares? Do you know how dangerous it is for her to sleep alone?"

"Yes, Edward. I am very aware of her nightmares, I just choose to remain calm in situations like these." Though she is annoyed, her strong voice actually begins to cool me down. "We need to be logical. She's not at the apartment, but is her car in the garage?"

"I don't know. We're driving there now."

"Well, is Alice in the apartment?"

"I guess so. I don't know for sure. I just know that Bella isn't answering her phone."

"There are plenty of reasons Bella isn't answering the phone. She could be in the bathtub, or taking a nap…" Yes, yes, Sue is making sense. Bella might be just fine. If she is, I'm going to wring her neck.

Another call comes through; it's Alice.

"Sue, Alice is trying to ring through. Can I call you back?"

"Yes, Edward. Let me know when you find her."

I flip the call.

I shouldn't have come here.

"Alice?"

"Edward, she's not in Forks and I called around, no one has seen her." Alice's voice sounds different, quieter but no less frightened.

"Are you at the apartment now?"

"No, I'm not." Oh, thank God, Bella might be there.

"Edward, I'm at Jasper's..." Oh. "and he wants to talk to us on speakerphone."

"Hey, Edward." No! He's using his cajoling therapist voice. Something is wrong, definitely wrong. "Listen, I think it would be a good idea if Alice stays here and I go check the apartment."

"No, no, I'll be there soon."

I look over to Carlisle and he says, "I'm taking you straight there."

Jasper and Bella's consultation… he knows something.

Crouching down, my head by my knees I seethe into the phone, "Jasper, what do you know?"

"Calm down, Edward, both of you calm down. I am sure Bella is fine. I think it would be best if I check to see if she's in the apartment."

"What. Do. You. Know?" I ask with more venom than before.

"You know I can't tell you," he says quietly, lacking a satisfactory level of remorse.

I end the call.

"I shouldn't have co-"

"Don't." Thank God, Carlisle cuts me off before I say something stupid.

We're fewer than ten minutes from Bella's, but Carlisle slows the van, pulling to the side of the road.

"What are you doing? We're almost there."

"You need to throw something."

"What?"

"You heard me."

He's right; I know he's right. I'm about to smash my hand through the windshield I'm so angry… worried.

"What about the guys?" I restrain my voice for only us to hear.

"Teachable moment," he says as I grab the door handle. Before the van comes to a full stop, I jump out.

The first thing I pick up is a stick, not much heaver than the kindling we used for the fire. I hurl it toward the trees and don't even wait to see where it goes. I pick up a stone, and throw. A heavy rock, and throw. It takes less than a minute, but I get into a rhythm of bend, pickup, throw—my abs contracting, my delts, glutes, hamstrings—every muscle engages in hurling rocks and wood beyond the line of trees. I throw until I've cleared the space around me, until I dull the sharp edge of fear.

I jump back in, out of breath. Carlisle immediately takes off for the apartment.

"Better?"

"Yes, thank you."

I turn around to the guys, but I'm thrown off by their wide-eyed stares. They've been watching the whole thing.

"Sorry guys, I'm… I'm sort of having a little personal emergency here. Let's ah… maybe we can do this again in the spring. Can we do that Carlisle?"

"Yes. Good idea."

They don't say anything, simply continue to stare. I meet eyes with Seth and I'm sure he'll never want to have sex now.

As we start to pull up to the building, I crane my neck to see the apartment window. The light is on, she's here; I know it. Carlisle pulls into the parking garage, I see Bella's beat, red Ford Escort.

"Do you want me to wait?"

"No, thanks Carlisle."

"Call me as soon as you know."

"I will."

I jump out of the van and to run for the elevator, dialing Alice along the way.

"Edward?"

"I think she's here. I'm going up now."

"Oh, thank God." Suddenly, her voice changes, "Listen to me, Edward, you need to calm down. If you dare yell at her, I will rip your balls off. Do you understand me? Keep your shit together or, so help me God, I will rip them off with my bare hands."

I believe she will.

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A/N

Oh, no! Bella what have you done? Has she done anything? Is this simply some alone time?

Will Edward 'keep his shit together?'

I hope to update again in about a week.

I'd love to hear what you think.

Much Love,

Liz x