Hello Everyone! Today is my birthday and, as a gift to all of us, I wanted let you off of the tenterhooks.
Thank you for continuing to read and for your heart-felt reviews of the last chapter.
Thank you to Songster and Elli~Iris for your help.
Much thanks to Team SGMR: orangeappeal, robsjenn, and to Sunshine for helping me get this out ASAP.
Recap: Alice is at Jasper's, Edward is heading up to Alice and Bella's apartment… O.o.….
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Chapter Twenty-two
Pieces
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1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8- Oh, Fuck it!
I exit the elevator, run to the door and pound my fist so loudly, I think I could crack it.
"Hold on."
She's home.
Fear drains from my body replaced with a tidal wave of rage. Impulsively, I cover the peephole with my thumb. I don't know why—more evidence of her recklessness?
"Oh, shit," I hear her say on the other side of the door. That's right, Bella, caught in a lie.
The door swings open. Bella wears a counterfeit smile. "Edward. What a surprise."
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
She blinks at me, walking backwards as I follow her in. "I… I live here. W-What are you doing here?"
"You opened the door without knowing who it was."
"I knew it was you. I looked in Alice's peephole."
I turn around and remember the lower peephole I had made for Alice.
"You didn't know it was me." I say continuing to walk her backwards.
"Yes I did. Of course I did. I-I'd know those jeans anywhere. Those are your sexiest pair," her voice shakes.
Sexiest pair? She distracts me and I pause for a second. Oh, no you don't, Bella.
"Where have you been, Bella?" My voice is cold and quiet, as we walk through the living room.
"I don't know what you mean. I've been here…" Her fingers graze the back of the couch as she backs up.
"Where were you last night, Bella?" I am vibrating with ire, my hands balled up into fists at my sides.
"Last night?" Her eyes are huge, black. Are you cheating on me?
"Where the fuck were you last night?" My voice bounces off the walls.
"I-I-was at the condo. I left a note."
"A note?" I cock my head. Nothing makes sense.
Bella presses herself against the wall. "Edward, Edward… you're scaring me. I know you're mad, but please, you're scaring me."
I'm scaring her?
My eyes trickle over her body. She's wearing pajamas… and hospital socks. I watch her chest rise and fall in quick pants. I hear her.
The strap on her camisole falls off her shoulder, but she does nothing to fix it. She's trembling.
I'm scaring her.
I reach out to touch her, but she flinches and raises her hands defensively, as if I would hurt her.
Oh, Bella. Oh, Lord.
I grab her wrist and pull her against my chest. The quickness, the fear, makes her yelp.
She struggles for a moment, pushing her fists against my chest, but then I hold her so tightly, she can't move. With one hand cradling head, and one around her waist, I whisper, "I didn't mean to scare you."
When her fists uncurl, I hug her more tightly. "Isabella, you scared the shit out of me. Do you have any idea…"
"I know, I'm so sorry. I didn't think you'd… how did you… did you end the trip because of me?" He voice is muffled in my chest; I can't let up on my grip.
She's alive. She's here. Thank you, God.
"Early, the rain… we came home early." I can barely speak as the fear, the rage, everything, evaporates. "Alice called me. She's looking for you." Bella's body seizes in my arms and then she nods. "You have to call." I loosen my grip.
She pulls away, looking dazed. "My phone?" she says, taking steps away from me and trying to find pockets in pajamas that have none. "My phone?"
"It's right here." I pick up her phone from the couch and hand it to her. I must have done a number on her; she seems disoriented and she stares at the screen for a long time.
"Is the ringer off?"
"No, I kept it charged. I must have fallen asleep," she says confused, still looking at the screen.
I take out my own phone, "Do you want me to call Alice?"
"No. I'll call," she says quietly.
As Bella calls Alice, I send a text to Esme, Carlisle, and Sue:
Bella is home.
She's fine.
Thanks for your help.
-Edward
"Alice…" Bella says, then goes quiet as she sits on the couch and buries her head in her hand.
I can hear Alice screaming at her from where I stand a few yards away.
"Al—"
"Yes, I know. I'm sor—"
"I fell—"
"I fell asleep."
Alice barely lets Bella get in a single word.
"The condo."
"Yes, yes, it was stupid."
"Please don't. Stay there, Alice, I'm fine."
"Yes, he is… no he didn't."
"Alice, he didn't… please."
Stretching her arm behind her, Bella hands me the phone. "Alice wants to talk to you," she mutters.
"You yelled at her, didn't you Edward?" Alice snaps.
"Me? You yelled at her."
"I am allowed to yell at her, you are not. Got it?"
I look at Bella, rubbing her eyes and shaking her head in her hands.
"Edward, do I need to draw you a picture?" Even through the phone I can see the picture: Alice the Hawk, swooping down to protect her baby bird. Am I the predator?
"No, I get it."
Alice sighs, exasperated. "Edward, you know I love you, but I will not sit by and watch Bella exchange one abusive relationship for another…"
"What?"
"You yelled at her and you've only known her for three weeks. Check yourself, Edward. You are dangerously close to…"
"Alice, that's not fair…"
"Stop it. Stop it, both of you!" Bella stands and screams at us. I've never seen her so angry. "Goddamn it! I am an adult woman who wanted to spend a night alone. The way I went about it was stupid and I'm sorry, but the two of you are not allowed to take it out on each other. You can be mad at me, but this bickering stops now. Both of you, apologize."
My mouth hangs opens in shock. Alice is silent on the other end, and I'm sure she heard every word.
"Fucking apologize!"
"I'm sorry," we quickly mumble at the same time.
"Now give me the phone," Bella reaches out and I hand over her phone. "Alice…"
I walk into the kitchen, trying to process all that has happened. In the last hour, I've experienced nearly every emotion I've ever had. Bella knows I'd never hurt her, I think, but I shouldn't be surprised she cowered; she flinched. I close my eyes. What would my father say? I'm sorry, Dad.
"Hi Jasper… Yes, I'm fine…"
I forgot about Jasper. I look out into the living room and watch Bella walk into the corner, whispering into the phone.
A sickening feeling settles in my gut; something is wrong. Bella wouldn't lie unless she had a reason. This isn't over. What does he know?
Lord, I beg you—serenity, serenity, serenity.
Slowly, I start to notice the obvious clues: Bella is in pajamas already and looks ashen with shadows under her eyes; a bowl of cereal, half eaten, in the kitchen sink; a bottle of Tylenol PM on the kitchen counter. I walk out into the living room again and see a bottle of Nyquil on the coffee table. She can't sleep.
Bella ends the call and leans her head against the wall for what must be a full minute. I watch her pull herself together and stagger to me. Yes, she's exhausted.
"Um… sorry about that," she says, pushing her feet into a pair of sneakers. "I was thinking we should go to your condo." Our condo. "If you're not too mad to spend the night together. I understand if you'd rather not." Her voice is flat and she can't make eye contact with me.
"No. I mean, yes, let's go to the condo," I say, watching her.
Bella's car keys scrape across the kitchen counter as she drags them off and walks to the door.
"Bella?"
"Yes?" She swings her body around and looks at me.
"Um, love… do you think you should put on a coat or maybe get dressed? It's cold outside."
Bella looks down at her pajamas and laughs that fake, nervous laugh I haven't heard in ages. Glancing around the room, her eyes land on the evidence that reveals her weekend, before uneasily meeting my eyes.
"I don't know what I was thinking. I'll just be a sec." Bella flashes a nervous, fake smile, before rushing into her bedroom, nearly tripping on the way.
After giving some distance, I follow her. Quietly, I push open the bedroom door and find Bella with her back to me, hands shoved in her hair, looking around her uncharacteristically disheveled room.
She notices something on her nightstand and snatches it, clutching whatever it is to her body.
"Bella?"
A sharp inhale, and she petrifies.
I walk up behind her and place my hands on her bare, cold shoulders.
"Bella," I hear the panic rise in her quickening breaths, "hush, it's okay."
"I'll be out in a minute. I-I just need a minute." Bella crosses her arms in front of her, tucking her hand and whatever she's holding, between her arm and her ribs.
"No, Bella," I whisper against her temple as I slide my arms over hers. "I'm going to stay here and you're going to give me whatever you're holding."
I feel the alarm in Bella's body; hear it in her breath. "It's okay. I'm not mad. I'm not mad." And it is the truth. God has granted me a quiet mind and a soft voice. Instinctively, I know that this hiding and lying is to protect me, to protect Alice. Bella doesn't have a selfish cell in her being.
I press my lips to her temple and wait. Like the raindrops from hours ago, tears splash silently on my forearm. I glide my lips along her face, from her cheek to her temple, back and forth, back and forth, hoping to calm her.
"It's okay, Bella," I murmur against her skin and open my palm. "Just put it in my hand."
"I'm sorry," she chokes out behind a sob.
"I know. I know, Bella," I continue stroking her face with my lips. "You're tired, aren't you, love?"
"Yes. I'm so, so tired," she stutters as the tears continue to fall.
"Just put it in my hand, Bella." My open palm awaits. What she is hiding has no meaning for me. Less than hour ago, I feared she might be dead. All I want now is to hold her as she falls asleep, care for her as she cares for me.
"Everything feels worse when we're tired. Give it to me and then we can go to sleep, okay?"
Slowly, Bella places her trembling fist in my palm, opens her fingers, and slides her hand away.
An empty prescription bottle.
Jesus. She's overdosed.
I spin her around, nearly lifting her off of the ground. "Bella, how many did you take? Did you take the whole bottle?"
"What? No. NO. NO. Never. I didn't take any."
She looks horrified, latching onto my shoulders.
"Tell me, please tell me."
"Edward, I would never, EVER do that… I would never do that to you, to Charlie… NEVER…"
We sink to the floor. I think my heart stopped. Bella straddles my lap, holding my face, and continues her vehement plea that echoes in my mind: Never, ever, ever…
Another kind of urgency suddenly obscures my thoughts, my unanswered questions.
"Never, ev-"
I crash my mouth to hers. I can taste her shock, and then Bella molds her lips to mine, and bows to my need as I plunge my tongue into her willing mouth. My hands find the neckline of her thin camisole. In one second I'm pulling it down, and in the next, I'm ripping it open.
I need to taste her, consume her, feel her from the inside, it is the only way I can convince myself she is here, alive, safe. It is a spiritual need, not a physical one. Lips, chin, throat, I ravish her body with my mouth, sucking and biting every inch of her sweet flesh my lips can find.
Roughly, I lift her soft breast to my mouth and suck her hard nipple like it will give me life. Pinching and pulling, I feel her other nipple lengthen in my fingers until my mouth finds it's new home.
Bella makes quick work of my fly; her hand wraps around and pulls me free.
Our hands are pulling her pajama bottoms down, away, as Bella lies back, pulling me on top of her. My last coherent thought: Why didn't I hug her the second she opened the door?
She is under me.
I am pushing into her.
My back arches and I cry an ungodly sound. It is singularly the most glorious sensation of my life—better than orgasm. Coming in Bella signals the end, entering her is only the beginning.
I pull back out, feeling every inch of her body, and slam back in, unable to control what my body does.
Bella lifts her hips to me as the toes of my boots dig into the carpet. I dive into her again and again, moving us across the floor, and wanting to crawl completely inside of her.
The pressure builds all too soon. My fingers curl against the carpet and I drop my head as her rushed words reach me, "It's okay, you're okay, we're okay…"
Now certain that I have never loved a creature more than Bella, I will my eyes to stay open, wanting never to lose site of her again. I meet her wide-eyed stare as my body quakes ferociously.
"You're alight, Edward."
"MyGodBella," I whimper as my body shatters to pieces and I empty myself into her. "Ungh, ungh, ungh…"
I collapse, my ear over her heart, thum-thump, and listen to the rhythm slow.
Her clean, herb scent…
Her fingers in my hair…
Her heartbeat…
Her soothing voice, "Shhh, you're alright Edward. We're alright."
Bella is my sedative, my lullaby.
I lick my lips and taste salty tears. They must be my own.
~o~
I open my eyes and stare at an unfamiliar patch of the ceiling. I am stretched out across the floor and my favorite pillow cradles my head. The living room light is on; Bella must be in there.
Wiggling my toes and brushing my fingers over my fly, I realize I'm dressed but my boots are off. Bella took care of me; she always does. I look at my watch; I only dozed off for an hour or so; it's still early.
For a while, I lie here, going through the events of the evening. I mauled her. When I sit up, I see the prescription bottle, crumpled, under the bed. I bend back the cracked, folded plastic and read:
Diazepam (Valium)
Dosage: Two every six hours or as needed for muscle pain.
Count: 8
5 mgs
Refills Remaining: 0
Bella has been on Valium? I rest my back against the bed and think about this for minute, not panicked, just confused.
Muscle pain?
Oh, now I remember, Bella's Valium prescription from the hospital, for her sore muscles following the accident.
'I didn't take any,' she said. I figure she must be out and now she can't sleep.
Bella has been on Valium, while I've been with her. I don't like this idea.
Lord, why didn't she tell me, why didn't she trust me enough?
The answer comes so quickly, I almost laugh. If I were Bella, I wouldn't tell Alice or me, certainly not Charlie.
'I made life Hell for you and Esme.'
'No you didn't Edward, you tried so hard to do everything but.'
Oh, the stupid shit I did. As stupid as this? Maybe... Yes, definitely.
How many refills? How often? When? I check myself to see if I'm ready for this conversation. I am.
I venture out into the living room and find Bella lying on the couch, in my t-shirt, reading. I shuffle my feet so I don't startle her.
"Oh. Oh, hi, Edward." Bella's eyes are nearly swollen shut. Between the dark circles and puffiness, she looks like she could be walking out of a boxing ring.
She puts the book on top of pile of others on the coffee table.
"Hey, Bella." Thank you Lord, for giving me my soft voice. "You're still awake?"
"Mmm-hmm. I think I can finally sleep, but I didn't want to before we had a chance to talk." She looks so ashamed, unable to meet my eyes. It breaks my heart.
"Scoot up."
Bella sits up and I crawl behind her on the couch, opening my legs on either side of her. I wait for her to lean back on me, but she stays seated upright until I put my hands on her shoulders and prompt her, "Come on, lie down."
A nervous exhale leaves her lips as she rests her head on my chest.
"Thank you for waiting up."
Bella snorts, "Do not thank me."
"Isabella, you are fighting exhaustion so that I can have answers. I appreciate that, please do not reject my gratitude." Soft voice, Edward.
"Kay."
"While we are at it, I appreciate the pillow, the boots and, um, packing me back up," for lack of better wording.
"You're welcome, Edward. Sorry I couldn't wake you, get you into bed," she says quietly, her voice still remorseful.
Here we go...
"So, Valium?"
She turns her head into my chest and begins to sob, "I'm so sorry."
I splay my hand on top of her head and let her cry for a bit to get it out.
"Okay, okay. Shh. Shhh. Now, I'm going to tell you something... are you listening?"
With a shuddering breath, she tries to stop her crying.
"Isabella, I understand. I know how sorry you are. You don't have to say it anymore. Believe me when I say I really do understand." She turns her head up to me. "Okay?"
From the way she looks at me, I think she knows what I am saying. She knows I've made similar mistakes.
Bella nods and rests her head back on my chest.
"I know how tired you are, and I want you to sleep soon, but I have some questions first. Do you think you can answer some questions?"
"Ask me anything. I'll tell you anything."
I can't help but to chuckle.
She looks up at me again, "What's so funny?"
"You. You are funny. You're going to be an open book?"
"I always am, aren't I?" Oh, those doe eyes, even swollen shut, will be the end of me. "I'm private with some people, but I think I tell you everything."
I shake my head at her.
Bella digs her teeth into her bottom lip so hard, it turns white around her scarring flesh.
I pull her chin, releasing her lip. "Let's be careful with your wound, love." She runs her tongue over the healing cut.
"When am I secretive?"
I think about it for a moment, but I can't come up with a specific time she hasn't answered a question. It is difficult to say.
"Edward, I try not to talk about… him. But it's only because I don't think you want to hear it. I wouldn't want to hear it, and the one time I did talk about him, it was horrible."
"I see your point."
She presses her cheek back to my chest, and I wonder if her hiding has mostly been in my mind. I don't want to hear about him, Bella is right about that.
"Well, for now, let's just get it all out, okay?"
"Okay."
"You got on the Valium after the accident, for sore muscles."
"Yes."
"And when did you run out of them?"
"I took my last piece Wednesday night."
"Piece?"
Pinching her fingers together and holding them up, she says, "I just take little tiny pieces. I smash them up and take little pieces."
"Wednesday night was your last piece. When did you sleep last?"
"A whole night?"
"Yes."
"Wednesday," she whispers.
"Damn it, Bella." I scoot down further and wrap my arms around her.
"I'm okay."
"No, no you're not."
Though I know the answer, I have to ask, "You couldn't tell me, tell Alice?"
"I thought about it, I swear. But I couldn't tell you when things were rough, bring us down more, and it was wrong to tell when things were good… each piece would be my last…" She is rambling. "No more burdening either of you… and Edward, you, you, you would never sleep if I told you, and, and…"
So much fatigue.
"Slow down, Bella." She shakes her head and sits up, between my legs, facing me.
"Um… I… I thought I would have to tell you on Wednesday and then you mentioned the retreat and I thought maybe, just maybe I could get off of them on my own and no one would ever have to know… my therapy starts tomorrow… and I'm, I'm, I'm… I'm, I'm so tired," Bella snivels and wipes away new tears.
"I know."
"And my worst fear was that one of you would call. I've had my phone in my hand all weekend…" she holds up her empty hand. "Where's my phone?"
Yep, she's gone.
"Don't worry about the phone, Bella."
"But I kept it in my hand in case you called. I must have fallen asleep when Alice called. I slept right through it." Again, Bella stares blankly at her empty hand positioned to hold a phone.
"Of course you slept through it. Please, lie back down Bella."
"Okay, I'm going to lie down now," she says as she lies back on my chest.
"Good idea."
I should let her sleep, but there is still more I need to know.
"A few more questions?"
"Mmm."
"How many refills did you have, how many in all?"
"One refill. I tried not to, couldn't help it…" she mumbles into my shirt.
Sixteen 5 mg pills in more than sixteen days? That isn't much at all.
"Did you take anything else? Any other pills?"
"Mmm-mm," she shakes her head.
"So, sixteen pills?"
"No… lost some."
"Lost some?"
"Down the sink, sometimes pieces flew, couldn't find…"
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the pitiful image of Bella trying to find pieces of Valium, maybe trying to fish them from the drainpipe.
She says something else into my shirt and begins to cry again. Pulling her head up, I ask what she's trying to say.
"I'm a drug addict," she sobs.
Good Lord, help us. And please stop me from inappropriate laughter.
"No you're not, Bella. Sixteen pills are not that many."
"Fewer, fewer than sixteen."
"Okay, you are definitely not a drug addict."
"That's what Jasper said."
I bristle at his name. He should have told me.
"What else did he say?"
"I should tell you right away, but I didn't. He hates me now."
I feel my shirt drench again. She's so tired, let her sleep.
"I'm sure he doesn't hate you. Let's not worry about him." I can feel her shaking under my hands. "Calm down, Bella. You're going to make yourself sick."
Please don't get sick.
I go through the many questions in my mind. She is nearly incoherent; I need to prioritize.
"Can we go to the condo soon?"
"Yes, love."
"Oh, good."
"A few more questions, first."
"Kay."
"When do you take the pills? Do you take them when you're with me?"
"I try not… sometimes."
She starts to purr. I go from rubbing her back to giving her a small shake.
"Bella? Bella when do you take them?"
"For work, to eat, when I wake up."
"In the morning? When you wake up in the morning?"
"Bad dreams. When I wake from bad dreams."
Damn it, damn it, damn it. I knew you had more nightmares, or at least, I should have. How could I be so blind?
"How often do you have bad dreams?" She's asleep again. "Bella? Bella?"
Let her sleep, Edward. All that is good in me wants her to sleep; the sixteen-year old wants answers.
"Condo?" Though it is only a mumble, it still sounds desperate.
"Okay, Bella, okay. Enough questions."
Reaching her hand towards the coffee table, Bella says, "Book."
"You want your book?"
"Mmm."
I think she's delirious. "No reading right now, Bella, time to sleep."
"Please, book."
I look over at the pile; who knows, maybe they help her sleep. Which one? There is a romance novel, the book cover shows a guy with huge pecs, intimidating, a book of meditations, that's a good idea, and a book on sexual play. What the fuck is this? Oh, our Amazon order must have come in.
"Notebook," she says.
On the bottom of the pile is a medium-sized, thick, spiral bound notebook.
"Here it is, Bella." I try to hand it to her, but she nudges it away.
"For you."
"For me?"
"My journal. Take it."
Holy shit. Bella's heart and mind, captured on paper, held in my own hands. As if it would suddenly catch on fire, I drop it back on the table, and stare, waiting for the flames.
"Condo?" she asks again. There is no way I am waking her to go to the condo.
"Yes, love, we're here. We're at the condo."
"Oh, good," she says and her muscles relax.
I continue to stoke my hands in long circles over my t-shirt she is wearing.
"I like this big bed."
"Me too."
"I like to pretend," she says, clearly talking in her sleep.
"Pretend what?"
"Your condo is our condo, our home."
"It is our home."
"Oh, good."
She tugs at my shirt, and says a version of my name that sounds like, Medmerd.
"Yes, love?"
"Blow. We forgot."
She tilts her head and I lean in to blow in her ear, but stop myself. I am a pathetic fool. I lean back away shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all. A cognitive suggestion to ward off nightmares, or a childish superstition—either way it is useless.
"Medmerd?" she tugs again.
"No more ear blowing, Bella, it doesn't work."
"Nooo." She wrestles herself from sleep and crawls the last few inches up my body, until we're face to face. "It does work."
"You still have nightmares."
"Noo, please. It's magical; it's your love." The slits of her eyes glisten; she is on the verge of tears again.
"Okay, hush." I take her face in my hands, turn her head, and blow, "Out, out bad dreams."
"Thank you," she murmurs and crashes her head onto my shoulder.
Bella is right; I'm not willing to let that go.
Within minutes, Bella goes from her typical purr to full-on snoring.
This is it; she'll be in REM sleep, primetime for nightmares.
I just lie here thinking, mentally checking off answers to my questions. When Bella stirs, is restless, I rub her shoulders until she changes position and falls back asleep.
I glance at the journal again.
Alice's words come to mind. It came from anger and frustration, she didn't mean it—I hope. I wish I apologized before Bella fell off to sleep. Must apologize as soon as she wakes.
After about an hour, I carry her into the bedroom and make myself a pot of coffee. As I do, I continue to glance at that notebook on the coffee table. It calls to me.
No, no, she offered it in her sleep. You cannot read it, Edward.
Maybe just one look. She wouldn't have to answer my questions if I can look up the answers myself.
No. It's wrong. You do not want to see what's in there.
She owes this to me.
Aughhh! God, don't let me do it.
I take a cup of coffee, and the sex book, into her bedroom and pull her desk chair up to the bed.
Coffee. How many times did I wake to the smell of coffee? Bella nearly always woke before I did. I must be a heavy sleeper. She couldn't get me up earlier tonight. I slept through all those nightmares. Damn.
"Please don't. I'm sorry," Bella moans. "Please, please…"
"It's okay," I whisper as I rub her back. She turns over and falls back to sleep.
I open up the sex book to distract me from the journal. After about five seconds, I'm hard. This is not going to work.
I walk back into the living room and stare at the non-descript notebook.
You cannot read it, Edward. It's her journal for fuck's sake.
.
.
.
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Sorry for long A/N:
Valium? All this time? YES.
And, no, Bella would never, ever, ever…
You know my questions:
Will he read?
And
When was Bella on Valium? If you think back, I bet some of you can guess.
I'll post a guide to Bella's Valium use on the Twilighted Forum on Friday:
(dot) net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=15151
Outtakes: I have a Charlie & Sue outtake I've been working on for ages, it is almost done. I hope you understand now why I couldn't have a Bella outtake until now. So, I have several outtake ideas and I'm curious what you are interested in. Bella POV chapter? Edward flashback? Something else? Let me know.
AND: When Seth and Mary lose their virginity, I hope it is a sweet as one of my favorite one-shots, Forever and Ever by theladyingrey42 (you can find the link under my favs).
So… I'd love to know what you think.