A/N Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and sending Birthday wishes. I had a wonderful B-Day.

Thank you to Midnight Cougar for her recommendation of SGMR on Robattack and Kat for her recommendation on Cafemom and KitandKaboodle. Links to both of these lovely reviews are on my profile.

Thanks to Team SGMR: robsjenn, orangeapeal, and Sunshine for editing this bad boy.

So, Bella is sleeping and Edward is staring at her journal...

Chapter Twenty-three
Recovery

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.

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No, I don't want to read her journal. It would be like reading her mind. Well, I do want to read it, but I won't.

I carefully pick up the romance novel, trying hard not to touch her journal, as if it would jump into my hands, open up, and start talking to me. With my luck, it would.

When I return to the bedroom, I see Bella is squirming again and saying my name. "Shhh, it's okay, Bella," I say, rubbing her back and hating the idea that I'm in her nightmares. What do I do in her nightmares? Must add that to questions.

She turns and rubs her eyes. "Edward?"

"Back to sleep," I whisper.

She blinks awake and reaches out for my hand. "Come to bed, Edward. I didn't want this—you staying up. Please come to bed."

"I will, Bella… soon, I promise."

"Mmm." Though she tries to fight it, she falls immediately back to sleep.

I sit down on the desk chair I moved next to her bed, and turn on her small, clip-on reading lamp, hoping the light won't wake her.

My first romance novel, here we go…

Derek Storm slammed his office door, rattling the glass. He walked to his file cabinet, pulled out a bottle of scotch and poured himself a glass to steel himself. Never before had he seen a case like this, nor had he ever met a woman like Willow Haven—and he never would again.

Derek laughed to himself as he drank his mother's milk and stared at the etched glass that read "Derek Storm, Private Detective." His dick was anything but private.

How can they read this shit? Keep reading, Edward. This is a good distraction from the journal.

.

I am on page 236 and praying that these two tortured souls can make it. They're just so right for each other. It would be heartbreaking if Willow's diagnosis comes back positive. Should Derek really tell her what he found about her long lost child? I should jump to the end… No, that would be wrong… What the FUCK am I doing?

I walk out into the living room and drop the book on the coffee table. I need a distraction from the distraction.

Lord, did she really want me to read?

I pick up the notebook and run my fingers over the black, plastic cover, I shift it in the light and see the 'Mead Five Star' emblem shine in metallic gold.

I blow out a long exhale and open the cover. Flipping through several blank pages, I finally land on the first page of Bella's careful penmanship:

October 7

Dear Edward…

I snap the book closed. Holy shit. Is this a book filled with letters to me? Oh, fuck. I don't think I can read this after all.

I stand and lock my hands behind my head, pacing back and forth in front of the coffee table. So many times I accused her of being closed off and now… What to do? What to do? If they are letters to me, maybe she does want me to read.

I walk back into the bedroom to watch Bella sleep. Oh, I wish you were awake so I could know for sure.

Finally, I come up with a plan. I don't have to read, I just need to see if the whole journal is addressed to me.

On the first page is my name, the second page reads, "Dear Bella..." Okay, Okay, these aren't only letters to me. Continuing to turn pages, I see mostly letters:

Dear Charlie

Dear God

Dear God

Dear Bella…

Most are addressed to me, God, or Bella. But I see others as I continue:

Mrs. Newton

Carlisle and Esme

Alice

Mike

Mike

Mike…

I close the book and resume my pacing. I definitely don't want to read the letters to Mike. In fact, I shouldn't read any of the letters that aren't addressed to me. But I should read the letters that are addressed to me… I think. October 7, October 7. What happened on October 7? That's the night of the funeral, the night we came back from Forks.

Settling back down on the couch, I brace myself and go back to the first letter:

October 7

Dear Edward Masen, The Beautiful and Kind,

Do you like my name for you? I think it's fitting.
Do you have any idea how beautiful you are when you're sleeping?
I bet you don't—it's one of the things I love about you.
Did I just write love? I think I did.

Oh, Edward, I'm so, so scared.

I know I should be protecting my heart, but I fear I've already given it to you.
I fear I'm not strong enough yet to be all I can be for you.
I fear you will leave me someday soon, and when you do, my heart won't recover—it will die forever.

I will try my hardest to be the best Bella I can be.

Love,

Me

P.S.

I still can't believe we took a bath together tonight. I've never done that with anyone. It was the most tender, intimate thing I've ever experienced, more intimate than when we make love. Does that make sense? I'm sorry I cried.

Several times, I read the letter. With each read, the ache in my chest intensifies. She was… more fragile back then; it was new. I'm sure she feels more secure in the relationship now. She must.

I walk into the kitchen, wondering if I should stop reading. Maybe it's better that I can't read her mind. Searching the kitchen for something to drink, I see an open bottle of white wine in the refrigerator. As I pour myself a glass, I notice changes to Alice's calendar. All of the yellow, unclaimed doctor's and physical therapy appointments, are now taken by Jasper.

Huh, Alice is at Jasper's now. He must have been here last night. Good for them.

The journal calls to me again. I don't think I can read another letter to me, but I'm curious what she had to say to Esme and Carlisle. Flipping through, I find the letter I'm looking for:

October 10

Dear Esme and Carlisle,

Thank you for such a lovely dinner this evening. It is easy to see why you are so important to Edward.

This was a strange night for me- I went to your house really hoping you would like me. You see, I'm afraid Edward is keeping me from his parents because I might not measure up. I'm sure they are very sophisticated, and well, I'm not. I'm smart, and a hard worker, and I try to be very nice to everyone—but Edward is pretty terrific and I'm sure they want someone worthy of him. I hoped that if you liked me, you might help them like me. I feel a little guilty about that.

Anyway, after I met you, I forgot about all of those worries. You are so welcoming, warm, funny… I could go on and on. If you are friends with them, they must be great too, right? I think they'll like me, and even if they don't, I'll still fight to be with Edward.

On another note, I hope you can forgive me for not eating more dinner. I'm sorry if I offended you. You are both great cooks, but my stomach has been upset a lot lately and I can't eat very much. I tried to hide it, but Edward noticed, so I think you did, too.

I had something in my purse to help me relax and eat, but sometimes they make me sleepy and I didn't want to risk it. I hope I made the right choice, but I'm not sure I did.

I'll try to eat more the next time I see you.

Thank you again.

Love,

Bella

I close the journal and walk into the kitchen. As I wash my glass, I think back to that night. It was three days after the funeral, Alice was a wreck, Bella was starting back to work the next day, she had hospital socks for me, and I gave her shit for not eating. I gave her shit for not eating. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

That journal is filled with letters; probably several for every night she was awake. Maybe she wrote to me that night, too. I should see. No, I don't want to see.

I want to read something from the end of the journal. Something where she's happy or… fuck, she is happy sometimes, right?

Quickly, I walk back into the living room and grab the journal, and begin flipping through pages. There must be thirty or forty letters here. Occasionally, I see what looks like a list or a poem… I go to towards the end and find one of the lists:

Rules for Loving Edward—Part Three

Bracing myself, I sit back down on the couch, and slide my hand over the page so I can only see one line at a time:

1-Make more food. He loves to eat and he eats a lot. He loves my cooking :)

Okay, that was good. Smiley faces are good.

Slowly, I move my hand further down, hoping for another good one:

2-Don't make Edward mad.

I'm done.

No, I don't want to read her mind.

I close the cover, and for some reason, feel compelled to kiss her journal—it is her heart, her mind. As I press my lips to the hard plastic cover, I say good-bye and place it back on the table.

I stretch out on the couch and call to a friend I've neglected tonight, The All Knowing, The All Loving, The All Mighty…

Hi God, I know you've been close by for the last several hours, thank you. Like usual I have a bunch of stuff I want to thank you for, not the least of which, the retreat. And I also have a bunch of stuff I need your help on…

.

I walk into the bedroom to check on Bella and find her sitting up in bed, her back propped up on pillows, fully awake.

"Hi Edward," she smiles sweetly, but I can see a bit of wariness in her eyes.

"How long have you been up?"

"A few minutes and I think I have only a few minutes left in me." She smiles sadly, "How is the reading going?"

"Oh, um…" I head to my drawer and take out some pajama pants and a t-shirt. "We're waiting for Willow's prognosis. And Derek, boy that guy is a whore…" Bella begins to giggle and I pull off my t-shirt and put on the clean one. "But I hope for both of their sakes that he finally sees she is the right one for him. Really, I think his sleeping around is just a defense mechanism."

As I pull the drawstrings on my pajamas pants, Bella says, "That stuff is hard to put down, isn't it?"

"You're not kidding."

"Oh, how I adore your sense of humor." She pats the side of the bed she's kept vacant for me. "Come. Shuffy-shuffy."

I crawl into bed beside her and sit with my back up against the headboard and pillows. As we both stare straight ahead at the opposite wall, Bella takes my hand in hers.

"So, how is the other reading going?"

"I didn't read much Bella, only a few sentences, I swear."

I turn my head to see her nod and force the smile to remain on her face.

"Are you mad?"

"Mad? Gosh, no. I told you to read it. I gave it to you."

"Bella you were half-conscious."

Bella rests her head on my shoulder. "A little part of me must have wanted you to read. Of course," she starts to giggle, "there is a huge, huge part of me that is a little freaked right now. I'm not sure which sentences you read, but you're still here, and I don't hear any sirens to take me away, so I'll take it as a good sign."

"Let me tell you what I read…"

In detail, I explain everything I did, from glancing at the first page, to flipping through, to reading the first letter to me and the letter to Carlisle and Esme.

Bella listens quietly, then says, "It could be worse."

"And I read the first two rules in the, 'Rules to Loving Edward' list."

"Oh." Bella sits quietly for a moment as I stroke my thumb over her knuckles. "Do you remember which part? I have a few lists."

"It was part three. The first rule was, 'Make more food. He loves to eat and he eats a lot. He loves my cooking.' And you made a smiley face." I realize that I've memorized everything I read. "I do love your cooking, Bella, and I do eat like a horse."

"Thank you, Edward." Bella lifts her head and I lean down and give her a kiss. Her lips feel so soft.

"I read the second rule, too. Um, it was, 'Don't make Edward mad.'"

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"No, no. Don't be sorry. I… I want to apologize for tonight…"

"I know. I want to talk about tonight, too. But there a couple of things I'd like to explain first." Bella runs her tongue over her bottom lip as she struggles to find the words. "For the most part, I wrote in that journal after I woke from nightmares. There's a lot of sad stuff in there, because I was, you know…" she laughs, "I just woke from a nightmare."

"Yeah. I understand. You were processing a lot of shit."

"Exactly. And the entry you read… the first letter to you, I was… I was a mess back then. We just got back from Forks. I was confused and sleep deprived… I guess what I'm saying is that I am much better now." Bella looks up at me to gauge my reaction. "I need you to believe me when I say I'm doing better."

I hope so, but I'm not convinced.

"Bella, this weekend… no sleep for days?"

"No solid nights of sleep. There was a little here and there." She sighs, "I know, I know, I screwed this up. But I wouldn't have thought I could pull it off if I weren't feeling so good. I only had a few pieces last week to sleep, but I was eating, and starting to feel like myself again…"

"The nightmares, Bella."

"Yes, there are still nightmares, but I am able to wake myself from most of them now. It's only falling back to sleep that is tripping me up."

"Most of them?"

She laughs, shakes her head, and lifts our locked hands to kiss the back of my hand. "My Edward, you would catch that." Bella scoots down into bed, I do the same and we face each. "Yes, most of them. I don't think I can wake myself from the limo dream, but hey," she shrugs, "I scream my head off in that dream, so I'm sure I'll wake up someone."

I shake my head, "How can you be so casual about this?"

"I don't know," she gives a half smile and shrugs, "this is me. Right now, I have some problems with sleep. And, tomorrow I start therapy. I'm going to work this out."

I sigh and look into her tired, brown eyes.

"Edward, let me show you something." Bella turns over onto her back, pulls away the covers, and lifts her t-shirt up a few inches. "Do you see that?"

"Your underwear? I like them. The polka-dots are cute." Cotton, lace, I like them all.

"Thanks. I like this pair, too. Now you see this?" Bella runs her finger across her pelvis.

"Yes, but I'm not sure what I am looking at." But I like it.

"When I was in Forks, the elastic band didn't touch my stomach, it stretched between the, um, hipbones, but look right here." Bella brushes her finger back and forth over the flesh under her navel that touches the elastic band.

"You're gaining weight?" I knew she felt heavier when I carried her into the bedroom.

"Yes, yes I am. I told you, the eating is getting better. I have no idea what happened to our bathroom scale, and it doesn't look like you have one, but I can feel it."

Fess up.

"Bella, I threw out the bathroom scales. Sorry." I wince, apologetically.

"I knew it!" Bella sits up and points her finger at me, "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it." With both hands on my face, she pulls me in and showers me with innocent kisses, laughing.

Sitting back on her heels, she shakes her head and holds her hands to her heart. "Oh, Edward, you pulled me through the last few weeks. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without you. The English language doesn't have words to adequately express my gratitude… and, though you might not see it now, I hope you will soon, I am getting better."

"I do. I see it." I think.

"Good." Bella yawns and rests her head back down on the pillow.

"I'm going to keep you awake for a little bit longer so I can apologize."

"Oh, yes, tonight." Bella looks up at me and reaches for my hair. Gently, she twists small locks of my hair in her fingers. I close my eyes. It is so soothing when she does this. "Edward, I broke one of my most important rules this weekend. Do you know what one of most important rules is?"

"Mm-mm." I shake my head, still feeling her touch.

"Don't make Edward worry about you. It goes hand and hand with making you mad. I thought hiding the Valium from you would stop you from worrying, but it backfired, didn't it?"

"Mmm-hmm." I think I could fall asleep.

"Edward, when you… when your… when I can't…"

I open my eyes, no longer sleepy, "My temper?"

"Yes, love, your temper." Bella looks at me with sympathetic, chocolate eyes.

Don't pity me.

I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. "I'm sorry."

"I know you're sorry. I thought maybe we could talk about it."

Can't I just say I'm sorry and be done with it?

"Sometimes I feel like I'm jumping in front of an oncoming train, waving my hands. I can get the train to stop, but what if it doesn't someday?"

"What? Do you think I would hurt you? Bella I would never hurt you," I say incredulously. How could she think that, doesn't she know me?

"I know, I know. I'm not talking about you hurting me in that way, physically…"

Bella goes quiet for a long time; eventually, I glance at her.

"You know what, Edward, it's late and we're both tired, maybe I'm being too sensitive." Bella rolls away, her back to me. "Good night."

I'm an asshole. And I wonder why she doesn't talk more freely with me.

I turn to my side and pull her up to me, against my chest. "Where were we? Oncoming train?"

"Never mind. Let's go to sleep."

"Please?"

"It's been a long night. It can wait for another time."

"Pleeease… I'll give you a back rub." I tease, hoping she'll laugh.

"I don't want a back rub." She responds in a teasingly, petulant tone.

"Oh, you are getting a back rub," I lean away and start to snake my hand along the hem of her shirt.

Bella arches her back and turns suddenly serious, "No, really, Edward, don't."

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing," she says, pulling down the hem of her shirt.

"Bella, please show me. Remember the rule: don't make Edward worry. Edward is officially worrying."

Bella sighs, sits up, and pulls the back of her t-shirt up to her neck.

What the fuck?

I turn on the sidelight and take another look.

"How the hell did you get a sunburn? It's peeling." I go to touch her back, but Bella inhales through her teeth and arches away.

"Did you go to a tanning bed or something?"

"Edward, it's not a sunburn, it's a rug burn," she says quietly.

A rug burn…? Oh. Oh, God.

"Oh, God, Bella. I… I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say."

Bella turns around to face me.

"It's okay, Edward. You didn't mean to." Bella drops her head in her hands and groans. "I think," she holds her hands to her chest, "I really think, you and I are good at being sweet to each other. Don't you? Don't you think we're good at that?"

I shake my head. I am not where Bella is right now. I'm still watching myself push her across the carpet, marring her perfect skin, and trying to figure out what type of ointment will take away the pain.

Grabbing my face, she says, "Stop beating yourself up. We are good at being sweet. We need to work on being sweet more often and, I don't know, walking away when we're mad."

"Walking away?" I don't know if I can.

"Or something… I don't know the answer. I just know that sometimes you disappear on me, Edward. I don't know who the other guy is, but it is not you and I'm not sure he's always going to listen to me."

"I know exactly who that guy is." No, Keith Richards, you are off the hook. "He's sixteen…" this sounds stupid. Bella's eyes encourage me to continue.

"He's sixteen?" she prompts.

"He gets pissed off and takes over." I look away, but feel Bella rubbing her fingers through my scruff. "I'm sorry Bella. This is… I sound stupid." I want to disappear.

"Not at all," she whispers. She begins to hum and gently smile. "You haven't shaved in a few days, this feels so soft."

"It does? You like it?" I'm so relieved not to talk about the sixteen-year old.

"Mm-hmm. I like it." She continues to hold my chin and rub her thumb over my jaw. "Let's lie down, baby."

We scoot into bed and I rest my head on Bella's shoulder.

"No wait," I say, and adjust so Bella can lie on her stomach and rest her head on my shoulder.

"Does the sixteen-year old have a name?" With the back of her fingers, Bella continues to stroke my whiskers.

"Nope, he's just me."

"Sixteen was a pretty bad year in the life of Edward Masen."

"I prefer my whole title."

Bella looks up, confused, "Dr. Edward Masen?"

"No."

"Rev. Edward Masen?"

After a moment, the confusion lifts, and the corner of her mouth curls into a half-smile. "Edward Masen, The Beautiful and Kind?"

"That's the one."

Bella giggles, nuzzles her nose in my neck, and runs her fingertips back and forth over my chest.

"You know I haven't showered yet."

"I like it; you smell like man."

"You know, Bella… I want to be kind. I want to live up to my title."

"Edward you are kind, incredibly so."

"It's that little prick that gets in the way."

She peeks her head up. "Be nice to that boy. He is very scared."

Scared? It takes me a moment to absorb her words.

"You know what, Bella. I think you're right. I never thought of him as anything but angry, but maybe he's scared. You are a smart woman."

"Yes, I am… I think we should name him; take care of him."

"Name him? Um… Ed? Ted? Teddy?"

"I like Teddy."

"Speaking of which, where is Pedi tonight?"

"I forgot him at the condo, he is going to be furious when I see him."

Bella yawns again and makes herself more comfortable. "Edward, I think I should tell you…Teddy and I had sex tonight," she whispers like it is a real confession. "But you don't have to worry, because that's the last time he and I are going to do that."

Those are serious brown eyes looking up at me.

"Yes, it is." I kiss the top of her head and curl my arm more tightly around her neck. "Can I get you something for your back?"

"No thank you. Are you really going to sleep, or are you going to watch me all night?"

"I'll sleep."

"I'm glad," she mumbles.

"Bella? Can I ask you a few questions?"

Burying her face in my chest, Bella laughs, "Sure, this is the best time. Maybe I'll offer my journal, oh, I already did that."

When her giggle dies down, I approach my burning question. "The question is about Mike. It's going to be a hard one, is that okay?"

She pauses for a second and clears her throat. "Go ahead."

"Did Mike ever hit you?"

"No. He never raised a hand…" she pauses and frowns.

"What?"

"It's nothing, but, he would sort of spank me, under the guise of joking, but it always stung… I didn't think much about it until the other day."

"What happened the other day?"

"Well, when you spanked me, it was so different. With you it was fun, playful, loving… but with him… I think there was anger behind it. Does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"But, no. He never really hit me, abused me, whatever."

"Can I ask another question that involves him? It's going to be personal, but if I can help you… I just want to help you…"

"Oral?"

"Yes. I mean, Bella if you never want to do it, that's fine. But it seems like you want to, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to help you."

"Mmm. You see how kind you are? Well… with him it was a little rough, a little scary, um…" she is so careful to choose her words. "A little forceful? Do you know what I mean?"

He fucked her mouth. I want to kill him… oh, that's right…

"I do. We don't have to do it, Bella."

"Oh, I want to." She strokes my chest in slow circles. "To be honest, I think it's something else, too. When I'm with you, when we're making love, I never think about him. You and I do things together that he and I never did… and not just in bed, all sorts of stuff. Since that memory with him is still so strong, I'm afraid to go back there."

"Was it bad the other night?" When you swallowed my come and I nearly died of happiness.

"No, the other night was very good." Bella smiles and kisses my chest through my t-shirt.

"How about we take it off the table. Take it off the table and we don't have to spend energy worrying about if we should or shouldn't."

If it's good enough for Seth, it's good enough for me.

"Mmm. I love you." She starts to purr. Carefully, I reach over and shut off the lights. "But no. I'm giving you oral," Bella mumbles in her sleep.

Talking in your sleep, Ms. Swan?

"Bella, do you mind if I piss on Mike's grave?"

"Please do."

Done.

"Bella, am I in your nightmares?"

"Mmm. Good dreams, Medmerd."

"And bad dreams?"

She turns the corner from purring to snoring.

I will never find this out.

I blow in her ear, and manage to stay awake through one cycle of bad dreams. When the birds begin to chirp, I set my alarm and fall off to sleep.

~o~

This car drives like shit. I could make a car out of duct tape that would drive more smoothly than this piece of…

"Thank you for driving, Edward."

The Escort sounds like it has a severe case of COPD as it coughs and rattles while it idles here in front of the Capital City office building.

"You're welcome. Are you sure you don't want me to come with you? Let me park; I'll walk you up."

"No thank you. I'll see you in about an hour?"

"Yes, sure, good luck. I mean, not that you need luck…"

"I know what you mean. Don't be worried. I'm excited about this." Bella looks to the back window and sees cars approaching. "You have to go." She blows me a kiss, gets out of the car and makes her way into the building.

God, watch over her.

I feel myself harden as she disappears and I drive away. Last night was a close call and it didn't need to be.

A few blocks down the road, I find a parking spot in front of Jasper's office building.

The elevator music in the ride up only further agitates me. A Calypso version of Tie a Yellow Ribbon?

I walk through the large waiting area to the receptionist's desk.

"Is he alone? Does he have a client?" I ask, barely slowing my path to his office door.

"He's alone, Edward. I'll tell him you're— Edward."

Too late.

I storm into his office and I'm met with Jasper's raised finger, halting me. He is sitting at his oversized, expensive therapist desk, writing on a pad of paper.

I cross my arms and lean back on his office door.

How dare he make me wait?

"Jas—"

"Wait," he snaps, as he continues to write.

He finishes writing a few words, drops his pen on his desk, and leans back in his chair. "I expected you would show up here," his voice is as cold as his ice blue stare.

"Damn right I'm here. You fucked up, Jasper. You fucked up big time."

He glares at me. His hands are steepled in front of him and his expensive therapist suit, but he says nothing, so I continue, "You should have told me. It was dangerous for you not to tell me. Aren't you supposed to keep people out of danger? Do you have any idea what could have happened? Do you have any idea what you did to me last night?"

I feel my face getting hot. What do you have to say for yourself?

His only response is to tap his fingers together in the rhythm matching the slight sway back and forth in his expensive therapist desk chair.

"Did you… did you… " I still have more to say, but those clear eyes are boring into me.

"Are you through?" he snarls.

My mind scatters. No, I'm not through…

"Sit down," he commands, coolly.

"I don't want to sit do—"

"Sit down," he threatens as he stands. I've never seen Jasper like this. Slowly, he walks around his desk and positions himself between the expensive therapist leather chairs, and me, leaving me only one option—the couch.

I sit, suddenly feeling guilty. I shouldn't though, I'm right.

Jasper sits in one of the chairs, across from me, and leans in.

"Do you have any idea what last night was like for me?" His voice is quiet, careful, angry. Jasper's Southern accent emerges when he's flirting, drunk, or mad. His accent is full-on, and it's not because he is flirting with me.

"I have Alice with me, who is in shambles, and still angry with you, by the way; I have you, my best friend, freaking out on me on the phone. You know I can't say a Goddamn word to either of you, and all I want to do is go help Bella. Keep your fucking guilt trip to yourself; I want none of it. You're not the only one who had a tough night last night."

I keep my eyes fixed on the floor. He's right. He's always right. No, wait…

"She was in danger," I whisper, not yet willing to concede.

"Look, Edward…" Jasper drags his face over his hand and sighs, "did she tell you how many pills she had?"

"Yes."

"Well, then, you know. By last week, they were little more than a placebo. Bella convinced herself she needed them, and therefore she did. But really…"

"I know," my voice is still quiet.

"Last night, Bella gave me permission to talk to you and Alice about this, so I can share a few things now."

"She did?"

"Yes, she knew you would come here today."

"Really?"

"Yes, Edward. Bella knows you very well." Jasper walks over to his desk and picks up his phone, "Marcia, can you bring us a couple glasses of orange juice."

"Can I get coffee?"

"No," he says sternly to me. "Thank you, Marcia." He walks back over to his chair. "More caffeine is the last thing you need, Edward… Now, where were we? Oh, yes… you are correct about one thing; I did make a mistake—a big one. I should have known Bella would never tell you or Alice. I should have followed up and checked in on her after our consult."

"How did you know?"

Jasper sits back in his chair and rubs his chin. "Bella is fiercely independent," he shrugs. "Yes, she has self-esteem problems to overcome, but you know better than I, a part of her is tough as nails. Edward, you met her at a real turning point, certainly the most difficult time of her life. She's eager to prove to everyone how strong she is. It's a tough position for her, she's grateful for the help, but she doesn't want to be coddled by anyone." Jasper shakes his head, "Once Bella realized her Valium use was little more than a placebo, she probably wanted to break free of them on her own. Well, I should have known better… I should have followed up."

I nod with nothing much to say. Coddled?

"Edward, I want you to try out my new sofa for me. Lie down."

I look at the long, cream-colored, leather couch… I want to, but I'm suspicious.

"Please. Do me a favor. That thing cost almost as much as a car… but take off your shoes first."

"You know what Jasper, I only have a few more minutes. I have to pick up Bella."

"I'll get you back in time for Bella. You look exhausted, I'm sure you didn't sleep much last night, just lie down and rest your eyes."

I am tired, really tired.

Reluctantly, I kick off my shoes. I stretch out on the couch and immediately begin to yawn. It's like tiny angels are supporting my body. "Wow, this is good."

"I thought you'd like it." Jasper's voice is soft.

God, I pray to you—please don't let me mess up my relationship with one of the best people you ever brought to me. Jasper is my friend. I don't want to fight with my friend.

"Edward, you asked me if I had any idea what it was like for you last night. Why don't you tell me? Tell me what it was like riding back in the van."

I take a deep breath. This couch is magic—I feel so good. "It's like I… completely lose control. I want to protect her… save her."

"Physically? How does it feel physically?"

"Um… my chest gets tight, lots of energy coursing through… but I can't do anything with it, you know? Carlisle pulled me over to throw things."

"Mmm… baseball."

"Yeah, yeah. I need to throw or run… run fast, but I can't. Sometimes I just freeze up. Like I'm impotent, like I can't get to her and save her."

"Like you're under the bed?"

"Holy shit." I bolt straight up to sitting on the couch. I grip my knees with my hands, suddenly out of breath.

"Take it easy, Edward." Jasper's voice pacifies me. He hands me a glass of orange juice, "Here, drink this."

"When… when did this get here?"

"While you were asleep."

"I fell asleep?"

"Just for a few minutes. You're tired, Edward."

"Did you hypnotize me?"

Jasper chuckles and scans my face with concerned eyes. I'm sure I look like I feel, a little out of sorts. "No. I don't hypnotize. And I'm here as your friend, not your doctor."

We sit quietly as I drink the orange juice out of cut crystal... expensive, therapist cut crystal, I'm sure. I take in the full office—different shades of beige and cream, light wood, simple lines. Esme would love this place; she's taught me so much about this stuff through the years. It's comforting here, exactly as it should be.

"Edward," I focus back on Jasper, "Bella has brought up a lot of your unresolved grief. I am quite sure Bella Swan is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Now it's time for you to start working on those unresolved issues again."

Jasper goes to his desk and takes the pad of paper he was writing on earlier. Walking back to me, he pulls off the top piece then hands it to me. Names and phone numbers.

"Therapy?" I ask, unenthusiastically.

Jasper's face stays impassive as he sits back in the chair.

"Jasper, I don't want… I don't want a shrink." I sound defeated. I am defeated.

"A shrink? I'm glad you think so highly of my profession and your would-be profession."

"You know what I'm saying… I'm not… I'm not…"

"You're ready, Edward. I know it will be hard work, but it is time." His voice is calm and certain; my insides are neither.

I fold up the paper and put it in my pocket.

"Bella is a very special woman," he says with a warm smile. "I'm glad you found each other."

I nod and sit quietly for a long time, mentally running through arguments against my return to therapy. Though I do not know why, on some level the idea repulses me. But what is the alternative?

"Edward, what is it?"

I blurt out, "I love her, Jasper. I love her so much," my voice breaks and hot tears begin to fill my eyes. "What the fuck, Jasper? I never used to cry. I'm such a pussy," I say, shoving the heels of my hands to my eyes to stop tears from falling.

Jasper sits next to me on the couch and places his hand on my shoulder. "It's alright, Edward. It's time, that's all." He hands me his conveniently placed box of tissues.

After another moment of pulling myself together, he's walking me to the door so I can pick up Bella.

"Thank you, Jasper, and I'm sorry."

"It's alright, Edward," his hand on my back feels so reassuring.

"Oh, um, I told Bella you weren't but…"

"I'm sure Bella thinks I'm mad at her. Self-esteem," he says shaking his head. "I'll give her a call."

"Oh, Alice?"

"What about her?"

"Things are good, right?"

"Alice is a lovely woman."

I wait, but he doesn't say anything else.

"And?"

"And I'm a gentleman, so that is all you get." He opens the door for me. "Now, go pick up Bella. I'll call you tomorrow."

I turn and grab Jasper's shoulder, yanking him to my chest for a tight hug, whether he wants one or not.

.

While I wait outside for Bella, I make two phone calls: the first is to my mechanic, the second is to Ms. Verak:

"Hello, Tabetha Verak speaking."

"Hi , you probably don't remember me. My name is Edward Ma-"

"Well, Mr. Masen, how are you? We were just talking about you."

"You were?" I scratch my head. Why would they talk about me?

"Trust me; it was all good. What can I do for you today."

"I was wondering if you could help me out. I need to do some shopping."

"Oh, we'd love to help you out. Shall I assemble the whole team?"

"Um… would that be too much trouble?"

"Not at all, Edward… I mean, Mr. Masen."

"Please, call me Edward."

"All right, Edward. We look forward to seeing you."

I end the call and Bella comes bouncing out of the building to meet me.

"How was it?" I ask.

"It was great. Great, great, great." She stretches up to give me a peck, then grabs my hand as we walk towards the car.

"That's wonderful, Bella. So, he was okay? You don't have to stay with the first one you meet."

"Oh, no. He's good. I think this is going to be very good."

Though she must be tired, she is so full of energy, nearly glowing with happiness.

I open the car door for her and get in the other side.

"So, what is on your agenda today?. Do you want to go back to the apartment for a nap?"

"No. Actually, I'm going to avoid a nap today," she says, searching for something in her purse. "Here it is. He gave me a things to do list; I wrote it down because I'm still a little fuzzy: I have to go to Newtons…" she looks at me, "I have to come clean and tell my colleagues the truth about Mike and me. I'm done being treated like a widow." Bella looks back at the list, "Okay, then I have to spend time with Alice… boy, we have to talk. And, I'm going to head to The Y this afternoon and take a yoga class."

"Yoga?"

"Yes. I used to go all the time. We thought it might help me relax, fall asleep."

Good idea, I should have come up with that.

"And then tonight… carb-up and avoid sleeping until ten or eleven. I need to get back on a regular sleep schedule."

"Carb-up?" I ask, trying not to make fun of the expression.

"Yes, I know… it's his term," she shakes her head, rolling her eyes. "He said the slow-burn will be good for sleeping."

Slow-burn? I bite my tongue, but I'm sure Bella sees me holding back laughter.

"Yes, I know… but it's worth a try."

"Yeah, yeah, of course it is." I rub my hand on the back of her neck. "You look, I don't know, good. I'm glad for you, Bella."

"Thank you, Edward. I really want to get the most out of this."

"Hey, listen… I have an idea. I know how we can avoid sleeping."

"Yes, I'm sure you do," she says, rolling her eyes.

"No, no, not sex. I was thinking about going to Spinasse. We can eat some good pasta and then go to an early movie."

"Spinasse? A movie?" she asks softly as her eyes widen.

"Yes, you know, like a date… if you want. You said you didn't need dates, but I thought…"

"Yes, yes, I would love to go on a date with you, Edward."

And for the fist time in a long time, I feel I've done something right. Keep it up, Edward.

"Okay, good. It's a date. Shall I pick you up at five?"

Bella starts to blush and giggle, putting her list back in her purse.

"What's so funny?"

"You're picking me up for a date," she shrugs and begins laughing again. "I like the sound of that."

"Me too, Bella." I take her hand in mine and kiss it as she looks out the window and turns a deeper shade of pink.

I pull out of our parking spot and ask, "Where to first? Newtons?"

"Yes, please. You can drop me off and I'll go through my list. Everything is walking distance."

"Would you like me to wait and drive you?"

Please let me drive you.

"That is a very kind offer, but I think I'd like to walk."

Let it go, Edward.

"You got it."

I am rewarded with an amazing, perfectly straight, white-toothed smile.

"Edward Masen, have I told you today that I love you?"

"Yes. But it's always good to hear it again. I love you too, Isabella Swan."

While I pull up to Newtons, Bella goes through her purse again and retrieves a small, white box.

"I want to let you know I have these so you don't think I'm hiding anything," she says with a smirk.

"What's that?"

"It's Xanax, a sample—just two pills."

Xanax? I don't know if I like this idea.

"Bella he isn't a psychiatrist, he can't prescribe…"

"He has a partner who is a psychiatrist," she says slowly, carefully. "I'm not planning on taking them; they are in case of an emergency."

"Emergency?"

"Wrong word," Bella says quickly, and smiles. "Just if I really can't sleep. Okay?"

It is probably good she has something just in case. Right?

"Yes, sure," I say, sounding unconcerned.

"If I use them, I'll get more when I go back on Wednesday." Bella's eyes turn wary. "I'm going to see him on Wednesday and Friday. We'll pull back on sessions after my sleep regulates, my nightmares get better."

Three days a week? This is good. Right? I try to keep my face expressionless, but I think I fail.

"It's a lot, isn't it? It sounds like I'm crazy, doesn't it?" Her brows knit together and her tongue slides over her healing lip.

In one short car ride, Bella's therapy high is on the cusp of plummeting, as my approval hangs in the balance.

"No, Bella, you're not crazy. You are a woman having some trouble sleeping," I repeat back her words from last night.

"Thank you," she says softly, clearly needing my support.

I pull up to the store and Bella gets out.

She leans into the open car door and asks, "Will you text me today if you get a chance?"

"Of course. Keep me posted."

"Oh, and you be careful with my car here," Bella says tapping the roof of the Escort.

"I wouldn't do that, Bella. You probably dented it."

"Hey, watch it. This car is my baby."

The car? "I thought I was your baby."

"Aww." Bella crawls back into the car. "Of course you're my baby." She places her hand on my jaw and kisses me with those soft, full lips. "I'll see you later, baby."

Bella slinks out of the car and I watch as she prepares herself for Newtons. She fixes her skirt, smooths her fingers over her hair, juts her chin out, and walks with a confident stride I've never seen.

Go get 'em, Bella.

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A/N: See that? We're getting happy.

I know some of you would rather not have the details/background of Bella's Valium use. However, if you would like to know when she was or wasn't on Valium, I posted the guide that is on Twilighted in the Teaser/Outtake section titled "Bella's Secret."

I'm still playing with outtake ideas-but I definitely think we will go with something happy. Maybe a little Jasper and Alice.

Tabetha Varek is coming back next chapter with the full crew-if you haven't read the outtake "Good Enough" you can catch up on who those characters are there.

I'd love to know what you think.

Next update 7-10 days.

Warm regards,

Liz x