Chapter Fourteen

I lay there in my hospital bed with her holding my hand and hanging onto my every word. It was a wonderful feeling. I'd imagined telling her how I felt so many times and in so many different ways. I hadn't counted on being hospital. And I certainly hadn't counted on her being so receptive. After the way I treated her, I don't think I deserve to be listened to. But I should have remembered who she really was. She is such a gentle soul with such an open heart. Of course she was going to listen to me. And that's not about me being worth it, it's about her being kind and generous. It's about her and all the qualities that make me love her so much.

And this is what I told her…

"I've been a damaged person for most of my life. I like to strut around and pretend that nothing bothers me but it does. I've hurt so badly for so long and I've hated myself with a passion. When we met, I was helping you recover from what happened with Robbo and I made out like I was a whole person who could keep everything together. But the thing is, I had never recovered from what happened to me as a teenager."

I looked at her rather fearfully here and she gazed into my eyes. I could see fear there and I think she realised pretty quickly what I was going to say. I ploughed on.

"When I was a teenager, I was raped by my boyfriend of the same age. He stole my virginity and got me pregnant. With Ruby."

Her eyes widened a little and she clutched my hand a little tighter but she didn't speak. I appreciated her giving me the time and the space to get everything off my chest in one go.

"I was so messed up and completely incapable of being her mother," I explained. "I ran away from home and stayed with my Auntie Michelle for a year. By the time I came back, Ruby was one year old and she'd only ever known my parents. She thought they were her parents. They convinced me that it made sense for them to officially adopt her and so she was raised as my sister."

I watched Joey nod. She still didn't speak and she still held onto my hand. I don't think I've ever appreciated physical contact so much. My machine kept beeping because I was so anxious but we both ignored it.

"I never healed from that time in my life and I flung myself from one relationship to another. Every one of them was a disaster and I never succeeded in falling in love with anyone, even though I wanted to. That is, until I met you…"

I smiled sadly at her and she mirrored my expression. I lost myself in her eyes for a moment before I continued on.

"You turned my whole world around when I met you, Joey," I explained. "I'd never experienced such strong feelings for anybody before and I was completely freaked out that I had them for a girl. I felt like I'd been living my life wrong or something all this time and it spun me out. I don't need to tell you how I reacted because you already know. You were there. And I still feel terrible about every wrong thing I said and did during the time, not even counting why we broke up."

I sighed heavily and felt tears sting my eyes. My breathing got worse so she had to interrupt me. She held on tighter to my hand and encouraged me to breathe properly. She even breathed with me so that I could follow her pattern and get back on an even keel.

"I wish so much that I could go back in time and be the girlfriend you deserved," I admitted. "You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I hated myself even more for losing you. But I was so scared of coming out as something other than heterosexual. Looking back on it, I don't even understand why I had such a problem with it. I wish I could go back and realise that what I should have been focussing on was how damn happy you made me, instead of fixating on the way I thought people would look at me."

I sighed and my breath caught. She squeezed my hand and waited patiently for me to continue. She was so gentle with me that I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe that she'd even bothered to talk to me down at the dock, let alone come to the hospital with me, holding my hand and making me feel so safe.

"I wish I'd never cheated on you. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Even I don't understand how I could have gone from being with someone as amazing as you, who'd given me the best night of my life to… to that…"

I couldn't help but shudder then and I had to look away from her. When I looked back, she didn't look angry or disgusted by the memory of how I had betrayed her. She just looked like she wanted to know why it had happened. So I told her.

I said: "My head was in such a mess. I'd had the most amazing high of finally being honest and admitting that I was in love with you. And I might not have shown it properly but I was so happy to have told you the truth. I really thought that night, that we had overcome the last hurdle and we could be together. But then word got out and there was the graffiti on the car and people laughing at me in the street. And then there was the complaint that Brett made…"

Joey nodded, retraining contact with me. I felt like I never wanted to let her go. I don't.

"The only thing that could have saved me that night was you," I explained. "But I wasn't allowed to see you and his accusations were charging around in my head. I was so scared because I started to think that I had abused you in some way."

Joey still didn't speak but she shook her head and I could see tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. She pretty much matched my own expression.

"Everything just got on top of me," I said. "I thought I'd hurt you and that I'd overstepped the boundaries. I thought we'd be separated permanently and that I was going to lose everything. I thought I was losing you and my job and my reputation. Then… well, then Hugo showed up. I'd drunk too much and I was so depressed. He called me gay and I guess I just lost the plot. I tried to block everything out and pretend that none of the bad stuff had happened. I hated every minute of it and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Then when I was validated and allowed to be with you… I again tried to pretend that nothing bad had happened. All I wanted was to be with you and make you happy. I knew more strongly than ever how I felt about you but I guess it was already too late then."

I looked down. Holding onto Joey with one hand, I wiped my eyes with the other. When I looked back at her, I caught her doing the same thing. We both laughed softly and held each other a little tighter.

"I should have told you the truth from the start," I ventured. "I never should have lied because that only made things worse. You probably still would have left me but maybe I would have had the chance to explain and apologise properly if I'd just been upfront about it from the start. Maybe we could have still stood a chance. But I lied and I hurt you and you found out in such a horrible way. I am so, so sorry for that, Joey."

She reached out and brushed my hair away from my eyes. I felt her cup my cheek and lost myself in her eyes. It took a few moments for me to able to continue speaking.

Next time… Charlie concludes her speech…