Chapter Fifteen

"Since you left, my life has just gone from one disaster to another," I said. "I tried to lose myself in my work and then when I got exceptionally lonely, I ended up sleeping with my ex, Angelo."

She nodded as if she was already aware of the situation. I guess that's something to talk about later if I'm able to.

"I dated him on and off for a year and a half," I admitted. "I honestly don't know how we made it last that long. We were a nightmare. We broke up the first time because he found out about you and I hadn't told him until I had to. Then we broke up because he was on a secret mission for work and I realised that he had been constantly lying to me all that time. Then we broke up because I didn't want to move in with him and he started stalking me…"

Joey looked genuinely appalled. I half laughed and half sighed, shaking my head. What was I thinking being with him after all of that?

"We got back together and things went okay, I guess, until he nearly cheated on me," I said. "It was far from the happiest relationship in the world and I don't really know what either of us got out of it. But we broke up over Christmas 2010 and aside from a one night stand when I was grieving for my father, we never went near each other romantically again."

She waited patiently for me to continue and I was honoured to be given so much time and space and understanding. Really, it's the last thing I deserve. I hurt her so much and at a time when she was already very vulnerable. She should have just walked out on me at the boat, really. But I am so glad she didn't.

"This last year has been insane," I explained. "I'd lost my Dad and broken up with Angelo and Ruby got into a lot of trouble."

At her concerned look, I quickly informed her that Ruby had slept with Romeo behind his girlfriend, Indi's back and then got caught in the back of a car with Casey Braxton, which is guess is where this whole thing with the River Boys began.

"I didn't want her to be with Casey, even though I know now that he's a nice kid. I mean, he's not faultless and he actually only got released from juvenile detention in November. But he adores her and they were a pretty great match. He brought a lot of love to her life and she helped him make better choices and break away from the criminality of the people he hung around with," I said.

I looked at her and my anxiety must have been evident because she squeezed my hand gently and waited for me to continue.

"That's where everything spun out of control," I admitted. "I found myself very attracted to Brax, Casey's brother and the leader of the River Boys. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't seem to help myself. We kept our affair a secret but were eventually exposed but more and more, the lines seemed to blur between work and home."

I sighed heavily. My machine beeped. I waited and then continued.

"I do think that Brax is a good guy deep down. I must have done anyway because I was willing to give up everything for him. He kept getting into trouble with the law, even though he was turning over a new leaf. A lot of the time, I genuinely don't think the incidents were his fault. Namely, when he was set up for a robbery."

This was one of the many things I was dreading telling her about. Joey has always believed in me, even when I gave her cause not to. She always had faith in my work as a cop and I felt sick having to tell her how badly I'd behaved. Quietly, I revealed the details of the day I arranged for evidence to be stolen and then all the fallout from the accident with Liam, Bianca and Heath. She looked startled and concerned but not too judgemental, which was a relief and probably undeserved.

"I couldn't live with what I'd done," I told her. "So I quit the police force. Brax and I broke up for maybe the hundredth time, although I don't think we split quite as many times as Angelo and I did."

I laughed softly but it got caught in my throat and my chest hurt. I waited for the pain to stop and then I carried on.

"Ruby was intending to go to University in the city this year," I said. "I decided to up sticks and go with her so that we could start afresh. But Brax and I got back together when he agreed to quit his gang. Before I knew what was happening, he and Casey were coming to the city with us and we were all going to be this happy family."

I caught a look on Joey's face that I couldn't quite read. She looked wistful. Maybe even a little sad. But I guess I'll find out later how she's feeling. The fact that she stuck around to listen to me is encouraging.

"Then I got shot," I said. "And everything changed. I ended up in this life… where breathing is difficult and I have to carry an inhaler with me at all times. And I'm still getting used to that, which is why I forget so much and always end up in hospital. But, well, I don't know exactly what Ruby told you but you were the last thing I thought of before I passed out. I made a promise that if I survived, then I would find you and try to win you back. I don't have that much hope of being successful because I don't deserve a second chance with you. But I just… I had to try."

She smiled and lifted my hand to her lips. I felt a thrill go through me.

"That's… that's the end of the speech," I added a little shyly.

She chuckled and suddenly, I felt completely at ease. I had been carrying such burdens around with me for so long but now I've laid all my cards on the table, regardless of what happens, I feel free from the past. She opened her mouth to speak and I so longed to hear her voice. But the Doctor came in and said I had to have some more tests done and sent her away. I just hope that she'll come back.

Next time… Joey makes a decision over her future with Charlie…