Disclaimer: I own neither Glee nor any part thereof. No money is being made off of this story and is intended only for entertainment purposes; therefore it falls within the parameters of "Fair Use"
Quinn's Not Gay
"Dude, it's cool that we're hanging out some, y'know," Finn said, "Feels like I hardly ever see you anymore now that you and Blaine are all like official and stuff."
"Yes," Kurt said, "I have been a bit distracted by a couple of things lately, Blaine among them. Here, let's have a seat." The boys rounded one of the large displays in the middle of The Lima Bean to a table where sat Santana.
"What's she doing here?" Finn asked looking at Kurt.
Before he could answer, Santana said, "Your girlfriend is gay."
"Santana!" Kurt said.
"What are you talking about?" Finn laughed nervously.
"We agreed to ease him into that," Kurt admonished.
"Yeah, but then I realized that meant I would have to spend more time in his presence than I already do and fuck that," Santana said, "Sit your ass down and let me drop some knowledge."
Finn and Kurt both settled into chair. "Quinn's not gay," Finn said.
"We believe differently," Kurt said.
"No," Santana contradicted, "he believes differently. I know for certain that she is."
"There's no way," Finn said.
"Please," Santana said, "You were at Puck's party two weeks ago. Maybe you were too drunk to notice or care but while we were playing Spin the Bottle, she tagged second with Tina."
"What? No she didn't, Quinn's not gay," he said, "It was just Spin the Bottle. Things sometimes get a little crazy. Remember Rachel and Blaine?"
"More than I care to," Kurt said.
"Did Spin the Bottle cause them to disappear from the party for like an hour?" Santana asked, "Was it Quinn's outstanding heterosexuality caused Puck to sell his bed sheets on eBay for two hundred bucks?"
"Puck does a lot of weird stuff," Finn said, "He sometimes wears this hat that's like way too small for him."
"That's a yarmulke," Kurt said, "It's part of his being Jewish… or so I'm given to understand. Look we're not trying to hurt you with this information, but it's the truth and sometimes you don't always react well to information you don't want to hear."
"Yeah, you end up kicking innocent chairs and scaring the shit out of Brittany, so we came to break it down for you."
"So you can prepare yourself," Kurt said.
"Dudes, Quinn's not gay," Finn said, "She like had a baby, and stuff."
"Lesbians have babies all the time," Santana said.
"Yes, studies have shown that there is a sizable percentage of teenage mothers who come out later in life," Kurt said, "I don't know, I suppose they're trying to prove something."
"But not Quinn," Finn said. "She's straight."
Kurt face palmed. Santana groaned and pulled her laptop out of her bag. "I didn't want to have to do this." She opened the computer and clicked on a couple of things. "So earlier in the year I bugged Q's house."
"You did what?" Kurt asked.
"It was a Cheerios thing, but I never bothered taking the cameras down," Santana explained. "Look, this is real time video feed of Quinn's bedroom." She turned the computer around so Finn and Kurt could see it. There on the screen was video image of Quinn making out, hot and heavy with someone that was very plainly a girl.
"Is that Tina?" Finn asked.
"No, as near as we can tell, Tina was a onetime drunk and stupid thing," Kurt said.
"Q's really into Berry," Santana said, "Always has been."
"Oh, no," Finn said, "I see where you guys are messed up. They've been rehearsing a song for Glee Club for the last two weeks. That's all they're doing there."
Santana reached around and mashed the Volume Up button and the sounds of moans and sighs and heavy breathing came out far too loudly for the Lima Bean. "Doesn't sound like any song I know."
"Rachel knows all kinds of songs that we don't know," Finn said, "This is probably like a re-enactment of like Rent or something." Kurt's hand came up to his face once more.
"Rachel," Quinn's breathy voice came over the speakers, "Please, I-I need to touch you."
Santana suddenly slammed the computer shut. "I can't listen to that," she said, "That was your girlfriend, Quinn Fabray, begging to touch your ex, Rachel Berry. How often has she begged to touch you?"
Finn just shook his head confidently, "Quinn's not gay. I don't even know how you could say that."
"Okay, Kurt," Santana said, "I'm done with this. I said I'd try and I did. You can lead a dumbass to water but you can't make him not a dumbass." She quickly collected her stuff and marched out of the room.
"Why is she so upset about Quinn being straight?" Finn asked Kurt whose face was still fully buried in his palm.