Chapter Eighteen
I am so embarrassed. Every time I think about it, I get all flushed and can't breathe. And then I get pissed off. Then Joey's nice to me, I get embarrassed again and then I cry. And then I can't breathe. Are you sensing a pattern here?
It all started nicely enough. Joey and I have been together now for two weeks and although we still haven't ventured too far outside of the house, things have been going well. We've been talking so much and been really open and honest with our feelings. I've been so honoured to get to know her again and I'm falling even more deeply in love with her every moment.
Last night, we ventured out to dinner at the Diner. I was a bit nervous about running into Brax, although fortunately, he doesn't go there much. I guess if you run a restaurant, you probably don't go to a rival venue all that often. We didn't run into him anyway, which was a relief. I know that in a small town like this, if Joey sticks around, then she and Brax will come face to face eventually. And really, if you're going to enter into a bad relationship with someone like Brax then you have to take the consequences. I just want the consequences to be limited to me, not to the people I love.
But anyway, the point of dinner was to go on a proper date. We've fallen into domesticity really quickly and that feels right, but we both agreed that it would be nice to treat each other and do things properly. I guess at heart, we're both kind of traditional, although I do a pretty good at hiding that sometime, judging by my behaviour over the last few years.
But I keep getting distracted. The point was to go on a proper date and last night was going to be the first time we'd made love since getting back together. I was nervous, of course, and I know she was too but we were both looking forward to committing our bodies the way we've already committed our hearts.
It didn't happen. We had a nice dinner and Leah waited on us and kept us away from prying eyes. Of course those eyes belonged to Colleen. We had a corner, candlelit table and it was wonderful. Then we took a stroll back in the moonlight to the house and went into the bedroom we've been sharing more or less platonically for the last fortnight.
The mood was perfect and I felt so ready to be with her again. We've been given this fresh start and we're both desperate to make it count. But with the way I feel right now, I wonder if she's going to change her mind about me. She's used to comfortable best friend sex or hot, wild passion with a beautiful woman who's into polygamy. And what has she got now? Me. And I am not up to scratch.
It was all going really well. We were kissing and tumbled back on the bed. She whispered that she loved me as she began taking my clothes off. I was so ready and willing and it felt like the moment I'd been waiting for all my life. But I wasn't able, I guess. And that's why I'm so humiliated now.
Basically, we were shedding clothes and kissing and touching and everything and it was lovely. I felt like my skin was on fire every time it came into contact with her and undressed, she looks even hotter than she used to. I was lying on the bed in just a thong, specifically selected for tonight. She kissed my lips, my breasts, my tummy and then down between my legs.
I felt this surge rush through me and I closed my eyes as her fingers and lips toyed with me. And then my breathing got laboured and my head started to swim. She stopped but it was already too late. The excitement of the evening had brought on an attack and I felt like I was going to die. She rushed to get my inhaler out of my handbag and sat with me until I recovered, which took an agonisingly long time.
Needless to say, we didn't have sex. We changed into our pyjamas and cuddled. It was still nice and everything but it wasn't what we planned. I'm absolutely mortified and I feel like such a disappointment. She's being really nice about it and keeps trying to reassure me but it's not really helping. I mean, she's helping but I'm so frustrated with the situation. I feel like I imagine a guy would if he suddenly found himself impotent. But at least there's a pill for that. What have I got? Is this the way it's going to be forever? I finally get the chance to be with the person I love and my past has damaged me so much that I still can't be with her. I feel like I'm being punished.
Next time… Charlie and Joey seek medical advice…!