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Thank you to the usual suspects: orangeapeal, Sunshine (who beta'ed this), and robsjenn, for all they do.
Chapter Thirty
Alarm BELLS
.
.
From the MMPI, to Beck's Depression Inventory, to The PTSD checklists, and the Bi-Polar Diagnostic Scale—Monday was a full morning of testing. It's not his fault. I forced his hand by being so tight-lipped during our first session. He had nothing to go on.
"Okay, go ahead, give it to me." I brace myself.
"Edward, there is nothing here that isn't manageable."
"Really…? Can you be more specific?"
"You're showing a high score in anxiety. More specifically, you are still suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."
Not surprised. "Okay, okay… anything else?"
"Well, the only thing of note is Dysthymia—mild depression—probably related to the PTSD." Jasper is good. I think I owe him dinner or something.
"So that's the only thing… or the only thing of note?"
He laughs. "Edward, I'm not used to having clients so familiar with the tests. Is there something specific you're interested in?"
"Um… yeah, yes, there are a few things." He waits, as I go through all the fears I listed this week in my mind. "So, no Bi-polar?" He shakes his head. Oh, thank God. I reconsider going through my full list of concerns, but he said that there was nothing else of note, and I want to leave it at that.
"I'd like to talk about the PTSD for a few minutes. Have you suffered any panic attacks?"
"Yes. I used to have them pretty frequently in the first year or two after my parents passed."
"And recently?"
"Um… how recent?"
"You tell me. The past year? Few months?"
Fuck.I don't know what to tell him.Do I mention the times with Bella—the couch ,the Valium? Were those even panic attacks? No,too much back-story, we haven't gotten that far.Wait… "Yes, I had one a little over a month ago."
"What were the circumstances?"
"A funeral." I close my eyes and settle back in my chair, listening to him scribble on his legal pad.
"Someone close to you died?"
"No. I was there to support a friend."
That day seems a year away. I remember sitting in the church parking lot waiting to see her—my beautiful, sad girl. Things were so different back then. She was different.
"Was that your first funeral since your parents died?"
"No. I've been to plenty… It was the music." And Bella. "They had a children's choir singing Fauré's Requiem… Pie Jesu…That piece, that piece… I have difficulty with that piece."
"The piece was played at your parents' funeral?"
My mind shifts from Mike's funeral to my parents.'
"Yes."
"I'm sure that funeral was traumatic for you."
"Yes." I can tell this story to someone who really doesn't care. I open my eyes momentarily to see he's still writing. No, he doesn't care."The music played when we went to the front of the church to carry the caskets."
"You were a pallbearer for your parents?"
"Yes." I open my eyes to see his concern, and close them again. "There were a lot of people there to help, but it was a double funeral… so we needed several pallbearers. It wasn't in the plan. I wasn't supposed to be a pallbearer."
It's all so clear. The music. Seeing these men lining up to carry my mom and dad, and me watching from the pew. It was painfully wrong.
"I wanted to carry my mom. So… so I went up there… but I was hurt."
"Hurt?"
"My hands were injured." Should I explain? Bending my hands on the slats under the bed. No, it's too much; we haven't gotten that far yet."You see, I just wanted to carry my mom. I wanted to do that for her… and carry her for my dad, he would have wanted that."
I open my eyes briefly to see him watching me. I wipe away silent tears with the back of my hand and continue, "So, I tried, but with my hands, I couldn't support the weight. It… she… she sort of dipped for a second. It wasn't bad. I didn't drop her, but everyone in the church made this sound, and started to whisper. I just couldn't carry her. Someone pulled me away. So I stood there. I stood there and watched other people carrying my mom and dad away from me."
Dr. Sparrow silently watches me. I try to blow this off with a shrug. "Yeah, so, that's it. I think the music set off a little panic attack."
"I see."
"And you felt…"
"You know, dizzy, tight chest, hard to breath."
"Yes. That does sound like a panic attack."
"Yes."
"How long did it last?"
"I don't know, twenty minutes maybe?"
"Do you lose a sense of time during an attack?"
"I don't know, maybe." I shift in my chair and briefly meet his intense stare. "Dr. Sparrow, can I ask you something?"
"Certainly."
"Did you get to see Pirates of the Caribbean this week?"
He presses his lips in a firm line for a moment then breaks into a half smile.
For the next half hour, Dr. Sparrow and I talk about the films he has ignored because he assumed they were for children, Pirates of the Caribbean among them. By the time we are through, I've written him a list of every kid's movie he would enjoy. He's missed some great Pixar flicks.
When I see there are twenty minutes left, I ask him about his therapeutic perspective. "Are you a Cognitive Behaviorist? Family Systems? Humanist?"
"I'd say eclectic."
Dr. Sparrow smiles at me. I know what I'm doing. Avoidance is an art form. Though my hand is less steady since meeting Bella, I can still hold the brush. He knows what I'm doing, too—I think. You got your story,Jack. Let me have my baby steps.
I get out of the session and read my text from Bella:
Edward,
I have hot plans
for date night tonight.
Hope you're ready.
-me x
Me,
Do your plans
include those panties
with a skirt?
-E
I've been waiting for those.
E-
They include
a thesaurus
and sharp pencils.
-me x
Me,
I love how kinky
you're getting.
-E
Nella Bean,
No hanky-panky
until your applications
are done, sir.
-me xox
A second later, another text comes:
I'll reward you with
a panty dance later.
-me x
Yes!
Isabella Swan,
I LOVE YOU.
-Edward Masen
Edward Masen,
I'm a lucky girl.
I'll never tire of hearing it.
You're not so bad yourself.
Go to campus and
say hi to Jesus for me.
-Your love x
Bella has turned graduate school applications into a science. Between my semester crushing down on me, and her time freeing up, she does all of the legwork for both of us. I end my days to a home-cooked meals, my mail organized, and graduate school applications ready to go. Bella is leaning towards law, and I am leaning towards I have no fucking clue, but we're committed to staying in Seattle. I'm spoiled and looking forward to balancing it out when the semester is done.
~0~
"Happy Thanksgiving!" Carlisle swings open the door and welcomes us in.
"Carlisle, Esme, this is my dad, Charlie Swan and his partner, Sue Clearwater."
I look for Charlie's eye roll at the word, 'partner,' but he has a pretty good poker face.
"It's nice to meet you. Thanks for having us over," Charlie says with a firm handshake and pat on the arm. There are handshakes between the men and hugs for the women. A good start. I reach down and grab Bella's hand giving her a reassuring squeeze.
I spend pre-dinner time floating from room to room watching new relationships blossom. Jasper and Sue are on the living room couch talking about the books they are reading while football plays on the television in the background.
From the kitchen doorway, I listen in to Bella and Esme chopping vegetables and talking about Bella's mother. Bella tells Esme that Renee is, "a bit of a flake" when it comes to making family events. Esme assures Bella that she'll meet Renee someday. Bella and I meet eyes and I give her a wink. I'm rewarded by her shy smile.
I walk into the dining room and look out the window to see Charlie, Carlisle, and Alice drinking beer by the water, sitting around the turkey deep fryer. Alice is regaling them with some story that has both men laughing. Good going, Alice. You are a gem.
"You're awfully quiet today." Sue approaches me and puts her arm around my waist. I wrap my arm around her shoulder as we take in the view of our friends and family on this beautiful day.
"Yeah. I guess I am."
"Not waiting for something bad to happen, I hope."
"Who me? Never." We both laugh. How can this woman know me so well?
"So, when is the big day?"
"What big day?"
"I assume there is a proposal in your near future."
"What?" I turn to her and feign a shocked, incredulous look, but deep down, I'm doing the happiest of dances. "Sue, we just met… don't you think it's a little soon?" Please say no.
She shrugs. "Too soon for… you? Bella? Who?"
"It's too soon for Bella, isn't it?" My performance shatters; I'm sincerely asking for her insight.
"Sure. It might be. You'll never know unless you ask."
"Okay, so here's what I'm thinking," I whisper, and look around to be sure we're alone. "Maybe Christmas, but then we'll have to share with Jesus' birthday, which isn't really bad, but maybe New Year's. It's a romantic day anyway, right?"
"That's true."
"And it's not like we have to get married anytime soon, I just want her to know for sure… I need her to know that I want to be with her forever and I'll wait until she figures out if she wants that too."
"I like the sound of that," Sue says in her slow, introspective way.
"Really? But not those words, right? Because I was going to look up some poetry."
"Edward, you don't need Yeats. Your honesty is poetic."
"Thanks, Sue."
"Come on, let's go help Esme in the kitchen."
Dinner goes remarkably well. There is laughing, talking, and stories about fishing. I've never seen Charlie so relaxed. In the middle of dinner, Sue invites everyone to Forks for Christmas.
"Yeah, let's do that. You all have to come. We'll… ahh… we'll have it at our house," Charlie says, astonishing Bella, who meets me with wide eyes across the table. The group joyfully accepts the invitation with raised glasses. I'm psyched to spend Christmas there—as I've told Bella, that house is so full of love, you can feel it from the front porch.
As dinner continues, I quietly watch. It is as if we are in some cheesy sitcom about a really great family and everyone plays their roles flawlessly. It's not real, is it? I fall away into my own mind and fight the urge to think about the missing guests to this party—mom and dad. I ask God to remind me they are here, though I cannot feel them. I want to feel them. Have I moved on? Is that why they feel so far? I don't even know what it means to move on.
The gentle nudge of Bella's foot reaches mine from under the table. She pulls me out of my brooding with a flash of questioning eyes. Subtly, I shake my head give her a small smile. This is my favorite part of the day, my connection with Bella. A glance from the corner of the room, a brush of her hand as she walks by, and the reassuring stroking of my calf from under the table—I want this forever, but I'm sure I'll fuck it up.
"Oh, how I loves me some football," Alice says wryly, rolling her eyes, as we head into the living room to watch the game.
I smile over to her and she nods her head, gesturing to the outside.
"Up for a stroll?" I ask, reaching for her pale pink scarf hanging in the foyer.
"Sure am. I'd like to see the water again."
I take Alice to the waters edge where we watch the sunset.
"So, our girl is leaving us tomorrow," she says.
"Yeah, I know, but it's only for a few days." I feel like the grown up; but now that Alice and I are alone…
"Alice, can I ask you something…? What do you think about Doc?"
She looks up at me with a twisted smile. "Honestly? I hate him."
"Oh, thank God, me too." The damn breaks and we start to vent about the all-knowing Doc.
"There's something strange about him," she says. Oh the relief that it's not just me.
"I know, I know. I feel it too. Alice, why is she still going to him three days a week?"
"I don't know, but I think he's trying to come between us."
"What do you mean?"
"Did you know she kept a record of how much time we spent together last week? She was writing it down in that journal of hers. One of his freaky homework assignments, no doubt."
"You're kidding me."
"No… and what's with this retreat? I can see her in some cold convent with a bunch of nuns." Alice shudders.
"Well, the Catholic thing was Bella's idea. He wanted her to go on the retreat, she chose the Catholic one. I did some research. It's a nice place, we don't have to worry about that."
"You see? I would know that if she talked to me."
Am I next? I pull at my hair and begin to pace. "She should go to someone else. He's all wrong for her."
"Agreed."
"Should I tell her or you? Should we do it together?"
"Please tell me you two aren't discussing what I think you are." I turn and see Jasper. When did he get here? He shakes his head—a hard edge in his expression.
Alice looks mortified, but I'm not willing to give this up. "Jasper, I'm sorry, but this guy is a douche. How well do you know him anyway?"
"A douche? Really, Edward? A douche?"
Alright, wrong word choice."You know what I mean."
Jasper tilts his head back and forth, contemplating. "Listen, I understand that some of his methods are… well, they aren't necessarily techniques I would use. But…" his voice turns cool, "have you noticed Bella in all of this…? She's eating. Laughing. Speaking her mind. She's happy, for Christ's sake."
He speaks the truth.
"Edward, how is her sleeping?"
"Good," I say quietly, realizing my selfishness.
"Nightmares?" He's scolding me.
I shake my head and see my shame reflected in Alice's eyes.
"Well then…? I don't know him personally, but from what I can see, his reputation is earned."
Jasper takes a deep breath, calming his temper. He places a hand on Alice's shoulder, her head bowed, and I walk away while they whisper their apologies.
He's right, we're wrong. Dear Lord,when did I become so selfish?
We walk back to the house and I find Bella alone in the kitchen uncovering the pumpkin pie and apple cake she made. I wrap my arms around her and she leans back against my chest.
"Nice walk?"
"Yes," I murmur into her hair. She tilts her head, and I brush my lips down her neck, inhaling her clean scent.
"It's been a great day, hasn't it?" She covers my arms with hers.
"Mmmm-hmm."
"Everyone got along so well. We have so many great people who care for us, you know? We're lucky. Really lucky."
"It makes me happy to see you so happy, Bella." She turns in my arms and places her hands around my neck, her warm brown eyes, soft with gratitude.
"That means so much to me, Edward. Thank you." I guess I should have said that sooner.
"You look so pretty today. Did I tell you that?"
She smiles. "You always tell me that. Always." She strokes the nape of my neck.
"Bella, am I everything you want me to be?"
Bella tilts her head and frowns. "Hey, where is this coming from…? You are more than I could ever imagine, Edward."
"I'm going to miss you."
"I know, me too. Hey, will you play for me tonight? I just realized I won't hear you play for a while."
"I can call and play for you over the phone." She smiles at my attempt. We've been through this.
"No calling, silent retreat," she pouts. "But a text every night, right?"
"Right."
"Whoa, sorry." Charlie enters the kitchen and promptly leaves when he sees our embrace.
"Come back, Dad."
Bella and I break our hold and carry out the desserts, finishing Thanksgiving with her amazing cooking.
Carlisle and Esme walk us out to our cars. I'm the last to say good-bye to them. I hug each of them, in turn. Looking back to Bella sitting in the car, I realize that, for years, Carlisle and Esme protected my heart so that someday Bella could come along and open it.
"Thank you for everything," I say. I hope someday I'll feel those words are enough.
~0~
"Please, Bella… one more time." I bite her ear lobe. We are a tangled, sweaty mess covered in the scent of sex. A long night of love making and I'm still not sated.
"I can't," she laughs and tries to sit up, but I throw my arm around her middle, pull her back down, and position myself between her legs. Her groan melts into a laugh.
"Can't or won't?" I press my pelvis on top of hers, and begin to harden again.
"Both… My gosh. Look at the time. I'm already late." She tries to squirm out from under me, but I pin her arms above her head.
I bite her chin, her neck. She tilts her head, and I lick her throat. She wants this, too. "Take a later flight." Releasing her hands, I reach down and rub my swollen head over her sex.
"Edward," she's frustrated, but aroused, "I can't… they're expecting me."
"Skip your therapy appointment." I swirl my tongue in her ear, and slip my fingers inside of her. She's ready.
"Can't. Oh… Oooh. Need to get my head on straight before I go."
"I can help you get your head on straight."
Her breath quickens as she continues her slow climb.
"I want you for other things," she says, her smile widening.
"Like this?" I close my lips around her nipple and Bella whips her head side to side on her pillow.
"You are relentless!"
"You love that about me."
"Why are you doing this?" She's still smiling, so I don't give up.
"It's fun… and I want to watch you come again." I find her sweet spot and her mouth drops in pleasure. "Come on, Bella. You're already so close…" After a few seconds, I halt my fingers, stopping her assent.
"Oh please, Edward…" she whimpers.
"Should I stop?"
"No… maybe…"
I know it's evil, but I go to a place she can't resist. I withdraw my fingers and lift to my knees. Lightly brushing my fingertips over her pubic hair, I start slowly stroking my throbbing erection above her stomach.
"Should I stop, Isabella? Or do you want to come on my fingers?" She moans and tries to writhe against my hand before I pull it away. "Do you want to come on my fingers, or this?" I love working her up into frenzy this way. She's panting, pink, sweating. "Do you want to come with me inside of you? Or should I stop…?"
"Bastard," she says with a million emotions across her face.
"My cock is so hard, Bella."
She reaches for me and I snatch her wrists, holding them with one hand.
"And you call yourself a Christian?" she laughs.
"Low blow, Swan." I smile. It's permission to keep going.
"Should I fuck you with my hard cock?"
"Oh, God, yes."
"Ask me."
"Wicked." She tries to free her hands, but it's no use.
"Beg me. Use the word."
"Please… please, Edward, fuck me."
~0~
Maybe I shouldn't have done that. We're late. Bella is a frazzled mess in the car on the way to her appointment.
"Shoot, shoot, shoot," she says, turning to look in the back seat. "I can't find the applications."
"It's okay, I have them. I'll go to the post office while you're in your session." I hope to undo the mood I created and keep a soothing voice.
She digs into her bag, pulling out her journal, and searching for something. I loathe that she brings her journal to him.
"What do you need, Bella?"
"I forgot my rosary."
"I have it. I put it in your suitcase, front pocket."
She slumps with relief. "Thank you."
"Anything you forgot, you can either buy or I'll overnight it. Okay?" I press my palm to her knee and step on the gas.
"Okay."
As I pull up to the office I give a quick, "I'm sorry about this morning."
"It's not your fault you're so darn irresistible. Well, maybe it is." She gives me a peck and hops out. Forgiveness.
During Bella's appointment, I run some errands: the applications go off in the mail, coffee for both of us, and I call to have flowers sent to Bella's room at the retreat.
For the first time, I find parking right in front of Doc's office. I wait for a few minutes and ask for God's advice. Should I go up? No I shouldn't… don't do it, Edward. Oh, what's the harm? It's not like I'd meet him. I'm just showing Bella how much I care. Yes, she'll love that I meet her at the office.
A woman greets me at the reception desk behind sliding glass. She's well dressed, and professional in appearance.
"Hello. Do you have an appointment?"
"Um, no. I'm here to pick up Bella Swan."
"Great. I think they're almost done. Why don't you have a seat?"
I'm the only one in the waiting room. The furniture is not as high-end as Jasper's office, but several steps above Sparrow's. The artwork is impressive. Original, bright, abstract oil paintings that say, 'Explore your feelings. Be happy.'
Approaching voices reach out to me from behind the door—definitely Bella, and… a man's voice, deep. I'm going to see him. I hear them laughing. He makes her laugh? I tense-every muscle hardens. They're almost at the door .
"Alright, Bells, keep me posted."
BELLS! A motherfucking nickname?
The door swings opens. He holds it for her as they walk through.
He's fucking huge. Bella is a peanut next to this guy.
"Hello, Isabella." I pitch my voice low, stand, and approach.
"Edward, what a surprise." Her face brightens. She's happy to see me.
"I brought you coffee." I hand it to her but lock my stare on him.
"Aww. You're so sweet."
"Doc, I'd like you to meet Edward."
He offers his hand and puffs out his chest—I think. Hard to tell with a chest that big.
"Hello, Doc." I take his hand, web to web, and maybe squeeze a little too hard, he crushes mine back, but keeps an effortless smile on his chiseled face.
"Edward, nice to meet you. You can call me Jacob."
I feel Bella's hand on my back and I break our handshake. My teeth hurt from my clenched jaw. He's taller than I am by about an inch. Looking up into people's eyes is new for me, and I don't like it. He's young, maybe 30, and good looking by anyone's standards—darker than me. Dark hair, dark eyes. Not the Charlie type I envisioned. I hoped for.
His smile is bright white and condescending. "Sounds like Bella is in a rush for the airport."
What does that mean? Did she tell him about this morning?
I can hear my own breathing through my nose. "Yeah. I guess so. We should go, Bella." I give a curt nod, "Jacob," and clutch Bella's hand like it's a prized possession, because really, it is. Fighting the urge to move swiftly, I give one last stare that says, "I'm on to you, Fucker," before heading out.
I try to keep calm the whole way to the airport. I use terms like 'honey' and 'babe,' words I never use which raise more suspicion. I'm ripped apart wanting two things at once: Bella to be gone so I can freak out in private, and taking her to some remote place where our bubble of love is protected from all others. Fuck school. We should get on a plane right now and go to Europe. I should have followed my instincts our first morning together and flown to Vegas to marry her.
"Edward, you're driving really fast. Be careful, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know… I just don't want you to miss your plane, sweetheart." Fuck. She doesn't like sweetheart—she told me that once.
"I think we'll be okay. I can just jump out at the ticket counter."
"Oh, no. I'm walking you to the gate. I'm taking you as far at they let me, darling." Fuck. "Love, I'm taking you as far as they let me, love." I will be the best boyfriend in the history of boyfriends. It's survival of the fittest. Pick me, Bella. Propagate the species with the best mate.
I decide to throw it out there. "Hey, Bella, here's an idea. How about we forget the retreat and take the next plane to Europe. We'll go to Italy—Assisi. How does that sound…? Just me and you… and … and Italy… and Catholics." I sound like a freak.
"Italy sounds incredible. Let's definitely go… sometime. But now's probably not the best time, you know? But truly," I glance to see her hand over her heart, "I love how romantic you are."
"Right, right."
We drive the rest of the way mostly in silence, though I try to make casual conversation about the good weather in California. I pull into short term parking at Sea-Tac and grab the door handle, but Bella stops me.
"Edward, look at me."
I turn to her and scan her face, fearing what she'll see if my eyes land on hers.
"Oh, wow," she breaths and slumps against the door. "I shouldn't go, should I?"
"What do you mean? Of course you should go. I'm just, you know… going to miss you, but I'll be fine." I force a laugh. "I'm a big boy, Bella. It's all good." Please don't go.
"Is that why he's here? Because I'm leaving?"
I can't hide Teddy from her, as much as I try. What do I say?' I'm afraid your therapist will come between us?' I close my eyes and send a brief plea to God—shield her from my selfishness, my insecurity—let me be the best of myself. When I open my eyes, I feel like myself again.
"I'm sorry, Bella. I had a momentary freak out. Please don't worry about me. I'm fine. Okay?"
She nods, and gives a half smile. I put my hand through her thick hair at the back of her head and say, "Enjoy the sunshine, relax, find peace, tell Jesus I said hi, okay?"
"Kay."
I take her as far as the security check in and we depart with an unremarkable hug and kiss.
"See you soon. I'll text tonight," she says.
"Alright. Have fun."
"Bye."
"Bye."
As I walk away, I turn back once to see she's watching me. We each give a little wave. I continue to walk and turn once more, but she's already gone.
Back in the car, I take my things to do list out of the glove box, and make two additions:
-Go to the gym
I definitely need to run some of this off, and maybe I'll start lifting again.
-Design Bella's ring
I end my night accompanied by pizza, beer, and sore muscles. Surprised by my sense of peace, I walk into my office closet and take two large boxes from the shelf, carry them into the living room, and put my feet up on the coffee table.
Photo albums. It is the first time I can remember looking through these. I feel nostalgic, but not pained. I chuckle at my gawkiness, a string bean in a baseball uniform, at nearly every stage of my life. Birthday parties and family vacations—the beach, Mom's freckles coming out in the sun. She shies away from my father's lens, but he captured her so well. My father's lean build as he throws me, around age four, into the air.
I end with the large white and silver bound wedding album. My God, they look happy. All of the traditional photos are here: Grandma, who died before I was born, placing the veil on my mom before the ceremony. My father, nervously waiting at the front of the church. The first dance, cheek-to-cheek. The gentle feeding of wedding cake to one another. And here it is, the one I've been looking for—their hands placed atop one another—my mom's ring.
Though my mom was buried with this ring, I'll replicate it. I will put it on Bella, and make her my wife.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So "Doc" is Jacob. How about that?
Are any of you going to the LA Twi-Convention or the premiere camp out? Let me know. I'll be there.
Love to know what you think.
Liz x