Dear Friends,

The response to the last review made my heart soar. It was wonderful to hear from so many of you and your thoughts regarding Jacob. My only regret is that, with my travels to LA, I could not respond to every review. Please know that each one is treasure.

Important Notice: A friend of mine in the fandom, Tammi (aka PattzStewGlobal) lost her son in a tragic car accident last week. There is an effort to raise funds to help her with funeral costs. I have donated the next outtake for Jasper x Alice to the effort. It is not a big collection of stories, just my one outtake and some merchandise for auction. If you could spare a few dollars to help her through this sad event, it would mean a lot to me. I will email the outtake by December 15th.

More details can be found here: http:/welcome-to-the-rileys-saturday(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2011/10/auction-to-raise-funds-for(dot)html

Use a dot in the places it says.

I have four pre- readers, yes four, to thank for their help getting this chapter where I want it: orangeapeal, Sunshine(who also beta'ed this), robsjenn, and ellie~iris

Warning: Please put on your angst invisibility cloaks.

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Chapter Thirty-one
Crazy Train

.

.

"Hi Dr. Sparrow."

"Come on in, Edward. I'm glad you rescheduled. What did you have on Friday…? Took a friend to the airport?"

"Yes. I did."

I sit down in my usual chair. Initially I canceled the appointment, but decided to reschedule. After meeting Dr. Jacob Thick-neck, I thought I'd get another's perspective.

Dr. Sparrow takes out my folder and looks over his notes through his bifocals. He's wearing a red-checked shirt and an old tan corduroy blazer. I wonder if I'll be like him someday—a wife who argues with me about movies, a wardrobe built for comfort, a simple practice. Nothing fancy, just pleasant. It sounds really good right now.

He closes his folder and takes off his glasses, resting his face in his hand propped up on the armrest. His fist pushes his fleshy cheek around his twinkling eyes. "How was Thanksgiving, Edward?"

"It was good. Thanks. Yours?"

"Terrific. House filled with young grandchildren. My oldest has three boys all under five years old."

"Really? That sounds great. Looks like those kids movies will come in handy."

His laugh comes from his belly. He really is a nice guy.

"How about you? Where did you spend Thanksgiving?"

"Oh, I spent it with Carlisle and Esme. They're the two people—"

"They took you in after your parents passed," he interjects. He remembers. He is paying attention. "That's nice that you're still close with them. Carlisle is your mentor at the seminary, isn't he?"

"Yes."

"And you don't have any other family, right?"

"No. Not really. Well, I have my friend Jasper. He was my college roommate."

"The psychologist. The one who recommended me?"

I stare at him for a moment, then nod. He does pay more attention than I thought.

"So why don't you tell me a little about them. Carlisle, Esme, Jasper."

I shrug. "They're, you know… great. Great people." Nerves take over. He's leading the session and I don't like it—that's not why I'm here.

"Dr. Sparrow, can we talk about professional ethics for a minute?"

"Sure," he says suspiciously.

"Not your ethics-It's someone else. Another psychologist."

"Your friend Jasper?"

"No, absolutely not. He's ethical to a fault, if that's possible." I smile weakly. "A friend of mine is seeing someone, and the doctor… I think the doctor might have romantic feelings for her."

"Really?" His brows raise and his voice drops.

"Yeah. I mean, I don't know for sure, but I think there's a good possibility. What do you think about that…? It would be egregious for a therapist to make advances on a client, right?"

"Yes. It would be grounds for censure, possibly more depending on the circumstances."

"Okay," I lean back in my chair feeling a little more confident. In what, I don't know.

"Does your friend want to file a complaint?"

"Ahh, I don't think we're there yet."

"Can you share with me the sorts of things he's said and done?"

Dr. Sparrow takes out a separate legal pad; his pen at the ready. Shit. How do I explain?

"Well, I'm not even sure if my friend realizes what's happening. You know?"

"Hm. Tell me more."

"Well, he shook my hand really hard. He gave me this look… this… 'I'm the man' sort of look."

"I see." Sparrow's expression is impassive. The way he looks when I start talking crazy. I should not have opened this door.

"Here's the thing, Dr. Sparrow, maybe it isn't him. Maybe it's her falling for him."

"That's fairly common." Oh,Lord. "Patients, clients, well you probably know, even parishioners…"

He keeps talking, but it isn't anything I don't already know. We've been here before. The day I first met Bella, Carlisle and I talked about her feelings for me in the hospital. Maybe Bella fell in love with me because I helped her, and now she has Doc…

"Edward, what are you thinking?"

"Nothing." I'm over thinking this. Bella loves me—end of story. I will not let my angry sixteen-year-old get a hold of this; twist it with his jealous fear. Bella's name for him,Teddy,makes him sound benign. He's anything but.

"Edward, is this female friend of yours, is it your girlfriend?"

I drag my hands down my face and look at him. I really didn't want to get into my current life, not this soon.

"Yes, she is."

"You mentioned you had a girlfriend, but we haven't talked about her. What's her name?"

"Bella. Bella Swan."

I watch him write her name on his legal pad. I've come here ill prepared. No plan to divert his attention. Agitated, I stand and start to pace.

"It looks like Bella Swan is an anxiety trigger for you."

"No, she's not. Just the opposite. She calms me."

"You don't look calm."

I laugh and pull at my hair, moving about his office. Good point,Jack.

"Does Bella ask a lot of you?"

The question surprises me. This whole conversation catches me off guard.

"No. She asks nothing of me. Not a single thing."

"Then what's going on here, Edward?"

"I don't want to… I'm not ready to talk about some of this." I grab my jacket. "I think I should go. I'll see you on Friday."

"Edward, sit down. Give me five minutes."

I nod and have a seat.

"I know you don't want to be here. So tell me, do you want to continue suffering from PTSD?"

As annoyed as I am by the question, it is a fair one. "No."

"Okay. I know you want to go slowly, but we have to start somewhere, right?"

"Yes."

"We need to talk about your traumatic events, your triggers, how they affect your relationships."

"Okay."

"So, where do you want to start?

I give this some consideration. "How about we start with coming to Seattle. We'll go chronologically. I feel like there's a lot to tell."

"That sounds fine."

I tell him about our move here, that Esme was my father's real estate agent and, once here, she joined him in building our company. Now she and I own the company, but I'm more of a silent partner these days. The story takes most of the hour and we decide to end it there.

"Edward, unless something else in your current life is pressing, I think we should talk about your parents murder on Friday. It's time, don't you think?"

"Sure. Okay, Dr. Sparrow."

~o~

Plane just landed.
Be there in a sec.
-me x

I stand at the bottom of the escalator in baggage claim, waiting for her and cursing 9-11 terrorists for, among other things, robbing me of the opportunity to meet her at the gate.

I look over the texts from the last few days:

E-

Just got here.
Flowers?
ILY!
Have to go.
Text later.
-me x

Me-
I'll be waiting
E-

Strange day.
People are intense.
-me x

Bella,
Are you okay?
Do you want me
to get you?

No. Thank you.
I think I should stay.
They want me to
give up my phone but I
can't do it.
Don't know what
to say.

B,
'Fuck you. I'm keeping
my phone.'
That's what you say.

E,
Good point. Nuns
love cursing.
Give me one
more day.
If I feel like this
tomorrow, I'll
come home.
How are YOU?
-me x

Love,
I'm good.
No shame in
coming home.

Edward,
You've made me feel
better already.
I'll text same
time tomorrow.
I love you.
-me x

From then on, the texts became simpler:

Edward,
A better day.
I feel at peace.
-me x

Edward,
Being here helps
me understand
what you mean to
me.

Edward,
One more
day and we'll
be together.

Edward,
Can you believe
I'll miss this place?

I see Bella turn the corner at the top of the escalator. I give a big goofy wave hello above my head and she quickly works her way between people to get to me. Even in jeans and a hoodie, my girl looks great. Bella leaps into my arms and I spin her around, smiling into her hair. Oh,her scent—clean.

When I place her down on her feet, she beams up at me. The energy from her smile could fuel a plane.

I take her bag and grab her hand. "Where to? The apartment? Condo? I made dinner reservations for tonight, or we could stay in. Movie? Whatever you want, Bella. The day is ours."

"The condo sounds good. Big bath. Big bed."

"The condo it is."

We swing our hands between us as we exit the airport, my face splitting into a huge grin.

We get into the car. "Tell me everything. I want to hear all about it."

Her smile is still cemented on her face. "I spent the flight trying to figure out how to describe it… but I don't think I have words. It was really good. I'm… relaxed?"

"You look relaxed."

While we drive away, Bella reaches in her purse for her phone and starts to text.

"Texting Alice? Charlie?"

"No... I'm texting Doc," she says, distracted.

My grip tightens around the steering wheel.

"You text Doc?"

"Not usually, just for the retreat. I thought I told you. No?"

She texted Doc?

"No. You didn't."

"Oh… He wanted me to come in today. I'm just texting to cancel." She rubs my arm. "The day is ours, love."

Good answer, Bella.

"Be sure to text Alice, too."

"I will. How is she?"

"Great. She stood up in PT yesterday. Took her first step."

Bella looks at me with wide brown eyes. "Aww. My baby walked while I was gone? I missed a milestone?"

"Yeah. Sorry you missed it. But I know she'd love to see you. Maybe you two can get together tomorrow."

Bella gives me a disbelieving sideways glance. "I was hoping to."

While Bella was away, Alice and I formed an alliance to keep Bella, well… Bella. I have to work on being less obvious about it.

~0~

A day goes by… and another. Bella is quiet, serene. It must be the retreat. It's a rainy Thursday afternoon. Jasper and Alice will come home for dinner later. For now, Bella and I are in her apartment, silently reading—Bella on the couch with a romance novel and me in the chair, reading Keith Richard's autobiography, Life.

I love watching her read. Engrossed in her book, Bella bites her bottom lip as she turns the page. A white v-neck t-shirt, old worn jeans, and hospital socks never looked so good. I want to run my hand down those jeans and see if they're as soft as they look. Do we have time?

"How's the book?" I ask.

"Good. Smutty. Yours?"

"Good. Smutty." She laughs and goes back to reading. "I was thinking, Bella, this weekend is our two month anniversary." She looks up again and grins cautiously. "I mean… depending on how we figure it. Eight weeks or we can go by the date."

"Yes. I know."

"So, should we do something special?"

"Yeah, maybe." She purses her lips and gives me her full attention. "You know, Edward, it's sort of a complicated anniversary for me."

"Yeah, I know. I get it." I bring my focus back to my book.

"That's not fair to you, I know. I'm just trying to be honest with you." Her tone is careful.

"No. It's okay. We can celebrate other things… other times." I fight petulance, keeping my face on the page.

"I was actually thinking about going to Forks for a night."

I look up. "Okay. Let's go to Forks. Let's see Charlie." I love that little house of theirs, and it gives me an excuse to get out of therapy tomorrow. Talk about my parents? I'm not ready.

"Why don't we go first thing in the morning, Bella? Let's play hooky from our appointments and go to Forks."

Bella puts a bookmark in the page and closes her novel. "I thought with final exams next week, I'd go alone. You know, give you time to study."

Oh. "I don't need more time to study. You just got back and you're leaving again?"

"You're right. It was a bad idea. If you don't need time to study… forget it. Why don't we go ahead and celebrate?"

"What's going on, Bella?"

I try to stay calm, but I feel the panic rising.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean… Don't you want to spend time with me? Have we reached some two-month mark where we grow apart or something…? Or would you rather talk to someone other than me?"

"What?" She puts the book on the coffee table and turns to me. "No, Edward. I don't want to talk to someone other than you and I love spending time with you."

Bella sits on the edge of the couch and plays with her rings, a nervous habit I haven't seen in a while. Where is this going?

"Edward, I've been working on some things and maybe I'm going about it wrong."

This isn't good… this is bad, very bad.

"Edward, you know how much I love you. You are simply the most amazing man I've ever met…

Oh, Jesus.

"But I'm learning how not to rely on you… to need you. I should have told you this. I didn't think you would have noticed."

The blood drains away from my head. "You don't need me?"

I repeat it again in my head. I look down at my balled fists, the scars across my knuckles turning white.

Bella leans in and speaks slowly. "I want you… more than anything I want you, but I'm trying not to need you."

My God, is she breaking up with me? But I was going to ask you to marry me.

"Do you know what I mean, Edward?"

I toss my book on the table and head into the kitchen. "No. I don't know what you mean." I grab a beer from the fridge and throw the cap in the sink. She follows behind.

"Bella, I need you. I want you. I love you. I don't see the difference. It's all the same to me."

She presses her palms to her forehead. "I shouldn't have said anything. I'm not explaining myself well. Let's just forget it, okay?"

"No, let's not forget it. Explain it to me, Bella. Please, enlighten me. I thought things were going well." I take a long swallow of beer.

"They are going well." Bella clutches her chest, "How do I explain this…? Edward, you saved my life. I wouldn't be standing her if it weren't for you. And now I'm trying to stay standing on my own two feet."

"This is why you went to the retreat, isn't it? Is this you talking, Bella, or is this Doc?"

"Honestly, Edward, I don't know why you hate him so much."

I thought I kept that a secret.

Bella exits the kitchen and I follow her into the dining room. Quickly, she gathers the mail—catalogues and magazines—into piles.

"He's… inappropriate, Bella. I think his feelings for you are…" Her exasperated sigh cuts me off. She drops her pile.

"All he is trying to do is piece me back together for you, Edward. Not just for me, but for you. Because you deserve a healthy woman. We deserve a future. We deserve a relationship where we can support each other. I want to be strong for you."

"I don't need you to be strong for me."

"Yes you do, Edward. That's how relationships work."

"No they don't. My father was never weak."

"Yes he was. If he was human, he had his moments of weakness. You have this beautiful, shiny halo around him. And I get that. He's gone and perfect in your memory… Please, let's talk about this. Let's talk about your parents."

"No, let's not talk about my parents. You have Doc to put you together, you don't need me anymore, there's really nothing else to talk about."

"Please don't say that. You're getting me all wrong. Let's stop right now. I need to think through this, please."

"You're changing, Bella. I'm not sure I how I fit in your life anymore."

"I'm the same person… I'm just… my God." Her hand covers her open mouth. "You liked me better when I was a mess—sick, and sad… the nightmares. You liked me better like that."

"That's not true. It killed me to see you tortured."

"Jacob warned me of this, but I didn't believe him," she says almost to herself.

"Jacob? You mean Doc, don't you Bella? Or are you on a first name basis now?"

She looks dazed.

Are you fucking him, Bella?

"How dare you," she whispers, chilling me.

"What?"

"I know exactly what you are thinking. I always know. As much as you try to hide things from me, what you are thinking is written all over your face." Her fury simmers under the surface.

"Name one other thing I've hidden from you, Bella. Just one."

"No. No, let's stop this right now. We're already hurting each other. One of us is going to say something we'll regret. I think you should go, Edward. Let's take a break. We'll talk tomorrow."

I laugh, it's an evil sound, but I can't help myself. "I'm not leaving and you can't run. We're getting this out right now. What is it you want to know Bella?"

"Please, Edward… this isn't you anymore. I think Teddy is here."

"I hate when you call me Teddy. It's so condescending," I lie through gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry. I never meant it that way. I promise, I'll never say it again." There's a sharp pain at the realization she never will.

"Come on, Bella. What is it that you want to know?" I can no longer tell if I sound calm or cold, probably both.

"Please, Edward, let's not do this."

"Tell me."

Bella straightens up and looks me dead in the eye, a new resolve in her expression. "Isn't there something you've been meaning to tell me, Edward…? A purchase?"

I scan my memory. I don't know what she means.

"You bought my condo, Edward, for twice the asking price. You bought my condo and never told me."

I forgot. The air leaves my body and I fall against the dining room wall for support. What do I say?

"How did you find out? Who told you…? Alice? Jasper?"

"They know?" She blanches and slumps down in a dining room chair dropping her head in her hands. "Good going, Bella," she says under her breath, "you're the last to know again. You fool."

There is silence for a long moment and I try to think of how to get out of this, but I have nothing.

Bella glances at me, and then walks into her bedroom. She returns with an envelope in her hand. She slides across the dining room table. It spins in front of me. The envelope is addressed to me, at the new condo's address. Then forwarded to my parents' company, mycompany,then forwarded to my condo. They're fucking with me.The people at the office are fucking with me again.

"When did this get delivered?"

She laughs and shakes her head.

"Bella, this never should have come to my condo. It's a mistake."

"It came last week, before the retreat. I found it when I got the mail." She shrugs, defeated. "I didn't know how to bring it up. I hoped you would tell me yourself."

I go into the kitchen and grab another beer. Several longs swallows do little to extinguish the fire that is spreading throughout me.

"So, that's what this is about, Bella? You're pissed that I bought your condo?"

I hear Bella walk in behind me as I continue to drink and stare at the backsplash behind the sink.

"No. I'm in awe that you bought my condo… and confused. It scares me that I know so little about you—that you try to hide so much from me."

"I don't hide things from you. I protect you."

"From what?"

My sadness, my anger.

I turn to her. "From me, my past, from everything that goes on in my head. You think you know, but you have no fucking idea."

"No, maybe I don't," she murmurs.

"You have no idea what it's like to lose your parents at sixteen and to inherit a ridiculous insurance policy and a multi-million dollar company. At Sixteen, Bella!"

She shakes her head; the sympathy in her eyes is sickening. She wants to know who I am, I'll tell her...The train to crazy takes off and I can't help myself.

"You have no idea what it's like to spend your eighteenth birthday in a board room with a bunch of people using a loop hole to buy you out—to take the company. And I wanted them to take it, Bella. I prayed for that to happen. I would have given it to them. But Esme wouldn't allow it. They couldn't do it without her shares. She pleaded with me, 'Edward, you're parents wanted you to have the company. They'll destroy it. I'll help you.'"

I scoff, "Like I wasn't already indebted to her enough."

"I'm sorry." I barely hear her.

"I'm not just wealthy, Bella. I am sodden with wealth." I have so much anger and nowhere to put it, so I throw it at her… Lord, help me. "And you… you…"

"What about me?" She shrinks into the corner of the kitchen.

I slam down my beer and lean in, scraping my fingers against my temple. "You are so fucked in the head about money, you've imprisoned me." I lean back and spread my arms, "Finally, I have use for my money… but you and your Franciscan ways…"

"I am not fucked in the head about money, Edward! You are the one who hates it, fears it."

It's blood in the water. She wants to fight—I'll fight.

"Oh really, Bella? How many times have I offered to buy you a car?"

"You weren't serious," her voice weakens and she escapes into the living room, but I follow, my fighting instincts taking over.

"How many times have I begged you to go on vacation?"

"Slow down, Edward. Take a breath."

I must look crazed, but I push forward, yelling, "How about Europe, Bella? Huh? How many times have I begged…? Do you know how badly I want to buy you and Charlie a real house?"

Bella gasps. The shock, the hurt in her face yanks me out of my tirade. I close my eyes and cover my face with my hands. Dear Lord, what did I just say? I have to get out of this… make it stop. How can I begin to apologize?

"Bella, I…"

"Get out."

Weakly, I start again. "Bella… I don't know where that came from… I love that house… My anger, sometimes I can't control…"

"Get out, Edward."

"Okay, yeah." I put on my leather jacket, curling in on myself, and praying I can fix this.

"Um, like you said… we'll spend tonight alone and get together tomorrow."

"I'm not too sure I want to see you tomorrow."

No,no,no,no… I've gone too far.Struggling to find a new approach, I take a step towards her and place my hand on her shoulder."Yes you will, Bella." I hold my breath as I tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear. "I'll come over in the morning."

She groans and hits my hand away. "You're infuriating! How about I tell you when I want to see you?"

I go from zero to 60 in no time. I'm cornered and come out swinging. "Fine, Bella. You tell me when you want me… is it need or want? I forget."

"You're only making this worse, you know."

I loathe the sound of my own voice, the viciousness that has taken over, but I just can't stop. "Tell you what, Bella…"

"Edward, what are you doing?"

"I'm setting the alarm on my watch," my fingers shake as I push the small buttons, "because I think you do need me. I bet you won't last five minutes. No, we'll make it ten. You won't last ten minutes without me." I won't last ten minutes without you.

"You don't believe that."

No, I don't.

"Yes. I do." I have no idea what has taken hold of me.

"Edward, look at me," there's a quiver in her voice. With great strength, I raise my eyes to her.

Bella's hands are clasped in prayer. "Edward Masen, my love… p-please don't do this. I am begging you. If you test me in this way, if you wait to see how long before I call, I will win and we will both lose."

Silence is a curious thing. As I stand here waiting for something to happen, for God's voice, for Bella to fall to her knees, cry, and declare her need for me… nothing really happens. Just imagined sounds of the Earth's rotation. Houseplants decaying. Molecules splitting. And the rain hitting the window. Only the rain is real.

I need you to need me, Bella. It's the only thing I know.

I hold up my wrist to show her the watch, "Ball's in your court. Call me when you need me," and I leave.

~000~

BPOV:

I watch him turn his back on me and walk out the door.

No. This is not happening…

Wait… this is okay, Bella. Yes, he needs to calm down, you need to calm down—it's better this way. Yes, calm down, Edward. I know you. Go down to the parking garage, catch your breath, and come back up to me. Oh, we need to talk, Edward. You need help, my love.

I stand frozen for several minutes. My eyes stay fixed on the doorknob, willing it to turn.

Maybe he's in his car, listening to music. Yes, his music. He's listening to music and trying to form his apology.

I wait…

and wait…

He's gone.

The quiet voice inside my head speaks an agonizing truth.

Stunned.

Numb.

He'll come back.

I wait.

"Come back," I croak.

I close my eyes. He's gone. It's final. I feel it.

The realization slices me open. My blood drained, I make a step toward a dining room chair, but it is no use, my knees buckle and I drop to the floor.

NO!I howl in my head.

There's a directive inside of me not to cry, but it is no use. Hide my tears for whom? I am alone, really alone. I let go, and allow myself to feel this pain, to wail, to pull my knees to my chest and sit in the puddle of my soul spilling out of me.

How did this happen? His beautiful green eyes turned so cold they frightened me—but I know it is his fear in those eyes. Those are not the beautiful eyes of my beloved Edward, it's the anger inside of him. He's an injured animal in a cage. I've always tried to get too close, he has swiped at me in the past, but this time he claws caught skin and ripped me open.

He'll come back. Please come back.

Irony is a dull knife stabbing repeatedly in my open wound. He prefers me like this—sobbing, sick, desperate for his love. Here I am again, in this same pathetic state, but now he's gone. Christ, strengthen me.

Each passing minute confirms my fears. How long have I been sitting here? How long ago did his alarm go off? He doesn't like who I am becoming… but I love this woman.

Call him. End this agony. Let him wrap you in his arms and tell you how much he loves you. Get your phone! A voice screams inside my pounding head. But I can't. As much as I love him, as much as I want his love, I cannot exchange the love I have for myself for his.

More time passes, cementing our fate, and the tears stream without pause.

I hear a key in the lock, my heart stops. Thank you Jesus, he's back. Sitting up straight, pressing my back against the dining room wall, I collect myself. A shuddering breath, a swallow of tears, I quickly wipe my face on my t-shirt—I don't want him to see me this way.

"Bella…? What the fuck happened?" Alice appears from behind the corner, wheeling herself to me.

It's Alice… He really isn't coming back.

"I… he… Edward's gone. We broke… we're…" The daze wears off and my vision blurs again with hot tears.

"That Motherfucker!"

"No," I curl my fingers around the wheel of Alice's chair, "d-don't say that. I love him."

How can I explain that this is my fault too? I'm no longer the woman who he loves. I can end this with one phone call, but refuse to do so.

A large hand takes mine from Alice's wheel. "Bella," a man's compassionate voice—Jasper is here, kneeling next to me. "Let me help you up."

I nod my head and wipe my tears on my arm. Jasper wraps his hand around my waist and helps me to stand. I'm dizzy. My stomach roils and I swallow back bile. Jasper guides me to my bedroom and into my bed. Pulling the covers up to my neck, I imagine being wrapped in the loving arms of Mother Mary, the only real mother I've ever known.

I feel the mattress compress as Alice slides in behind me.

"Oh, Bella. What happened?" Alice rubs my arm.

"A fight." I try, I really try to get out more, but I fail.

"A fight about what?"

"Everything."

"Honey, you'll make up tomorrow. It's just a fight."

"No. We won't… I know it." And I do.

Alice hands me some tissues that disintegrate in my hands as soon at they touch my tears. Oh, how I will miss his handkerchiefs. I will miss so much.

"Bella?" Jasper is in front of me holding a glass of water and a pill. "I found samples of Xanax in your medicine chest. I think you need to take one." He goes on about its effects, but I don't need convincing. I only need this feeling to subside.

I nod and sit up; he helps me take the pill, and I rest back down.

Jasper takes out his phone and starts to dial. On the phone with Edward? Here in my bedroom? I don't want this, or maybe I do. He walks outside of my room and I close my eyes.

"Look, I know you love that crazy, handsome shit…" Alice begins her speech, "and there's a lot to love there. But he can't treat you this way, Bella. First Newton, and now…"

No. Alice does the unspeakable. He's not Mike Newton, as I've told myself a thousand times. I am the flawed one. It must be me. I'm a fool to have rushed in.

I tune her out for my own sanity, and pray for sleep. Exhaustion, Xanax, the Grace of God, something begins to pull me away and I am grateful.

Tonight I will sleep. Tomorrow I will start anew… or I will try. Tomorrow I will still love him, and the next day, and the next… for eternity and beyond, he will be my Edward…

Darkness comes, but distant voices remain…

"Did you get him? What did he say?"

"No. There's no answer. I left a message and a text."

"He might be your best friend, Jasper, but so help me God…"

"I know, Alice. I know."

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I know. My heart hurts, too. Please share what you think—but try not to beat up on me too hard.

*hiding behind the couch*

Please don't forget the outtake donation. You have until November 20.

Update in about a week.

Liz x