Entry # 7 - A Sign of Hope
I have found myself questioning so many things since I've arrived here on Tatooine. My overall perspective has changed. I once believed so firmly in the Jedi Code. I thought the path to becoming a Jedi required letting go of all emotional and physical attachments. To even feel remotely sad or angry was, in my mind, the quickest path to the dark side. I now believe that even a Jedi must know these emotions. A Jedi should use them to learn and understand the ways of the universe around them. The difference between using emotions for knowledge of the Force and using them to feed the Force is the difference between a Jedi and a Sith.
I have come to accept the many emotions that I have experienced in the past few weeks. Anakin's betrayal saddens me. The fall of the Republic angers me. The death of the Jedi, the only family I've ever known, fills me with pain and leaves a hole that I cannot fill. Living alone in exile, watching helplessly as the galaxy plunges deeper into darkness frightens me.
In the past, when I felt a sudden burst of anger, sadness or even great joy, I would take a moment to draw in the Force, letting its currents carry these emotions away. I knew how dangerous it could be to use them. After the zabrak Sith had struck down Qui-Gon I gave into my anger. I pushed the zabrak back until he was cornered. I didn't realize that he was drawing upon my hatred, using it to make himself stronger. I nearly died. Worse than that, I had tasted the power that came from feeding off my emotions and had found that I liked it. From that day forward I pushed all emotions out as soon as they came.
I now know that Luke, like his father before him, will be raised in an environment where he will know emotions and attachment. If I am to prevent myself from repeating the same mistakes I had made with Anakin, I will have to learn to live with my emotions as well. Palpatine read Anakin like a book and used that to his advantage. I should have taught Anakin to control and hide them deep inside when around others. Instead I preached to him about the dangers of having emotional attachments and told him to let them go. This was something he could not do. My failure to understand this was due to my own fears of having experienced the dangers of uncontrolled emotion. The day will come when I will have to teach Luke how to control his emotions and to keep them hidden when needed. It is all too possible that he will have to confront both Palpatine and Vader. I must prepare him.
Earlier today I was practicing the meditation exercises Yoda had taught me when I felt the Force flow into me in a way I had never quite experienced. I became keenly aware of every grain of sand, every thread in my clothing, every molecule of air in the breeze outside. I began to feel a ripple in the Force; a current I had not felt in a long time.
"You have come a long way my friend."
"Qui-Gon!" At the sound of his voice I didn't dare open my eyes, I wanted nothing to distract me, nothing to break my concentration.
"You mustn't blame yourself for Anakin. His destiny is still unwritten. He still has the potential to undo what has been done."
"How is that possible? He has fallen so far, allowing this Darth Vader to consume him."
"Do not question the ways of the Force my padawan. The future is always in motion. I believe his children will help him find the path he was meant to travel."
Qui-Gon's words struck me like a blaster shot to the heart. Unexpectedly tears began to fall. "I am afraid Master. I know that Luke will be old, possibly older than Anakin was when he began his training. I'm afraid I will not be able to teach him to unlearn what he has learned, to let go of what he knows in order to become a Jedi."
"Luke's lessons have already begun. He will learn loyalty and discipline from his uncle. He will learn love and compassion from his aunt. He will learn the rewards of hard work. He lives in a community that knows little of wealth or status in society. He will not know the corruption of politics and the need for power. Do not worry Obi-Wan. He is on the path that a Jedi should be on."
For the first time I opened my eyes, releasing the tears that had pooled behind my lids. In the blur of my tears I could see the blue aura of a figure sitting before me. As I blinked Qui-Gon came into focus. He gently smiled.
"You have achieved something that even master Yoda hasn't; you can see me Obi-Wan. You are on the path to becoming one with the Force. You will be a great teacher to Luke. With time he will become a great Jedi."
"Master, I have so much more to learn. Help me prepare myself for Luke's training."
"There is little more that I can teach you Obi-Wan. Listen to the will of the Force and you will know."
As I watched Qui-Gon fade I knew he would be with me always. He was one with the Force and the Force was with me.
After my meditations I walked over to my storage locker. Inside, under articles of clothing, I found what I was looking for, Anakin's lightsaber. Like Grievous, I had kept it as a reminder of its past owner. Unlike Grievous, however, I did not view it as a trophy; I viewed it as a symbol of my failure. Now, holding it in my hands, I could feel the conflicting emotions his weapon brought me. Appreciation for the many heroic deeds he had performed with it, many of them at my side. Horror at the dark deeds he had used it for after his connection with the light side had flickered out. Tears began to fill my eyes as I looked at the simple design that was Anakin's signature. This weapon had been built by a Jedi and had been lost by a Sith. I made myself a promise that someday another Jedi, another Skywalker, would once again wield it. I would no longer look at it as a symbol of failure. I would look at it as a sign of hope.