Dear Readers,

In case you missed it, I posted the Victoria x Edward outtake titled, 'Lion's Den' a few days ago. You can find it under chapter Twenty-three of the Teaser Outtake story (on my profile). Some thought it was VERY angsty, some thought, 'not so bad.' Give it a try.

Thank you to the lovely group of women: xoEMC, orangeapeal, Sunshine (akaTessUderground )who beta-ed this chapter,and robsjenn.

Please stay tuned for a quick author's note at the bottom.

Angst? Not THAT bad.

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Chapter Thirty-four
Dark Night

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I peel my sticky boxers off of my body and drop them in my overflowing bathroom hamper.

I can't recall my dreams anymore, and I take it as a good thing.

The memories of last night at Victoria's flash in my mind, short painful shocks I feel throughout my body, I wish I could wipe away.

As I reach for the shower faucet, I hear a pounding on the door downstairs.

"Edward, it's Jasper. Open up, buddy."

Pulling on jeans, I run downstairs and unlock my door.

Before he can take a step inside, I grab him in a tight hug, crushing the brown paper bag he is holding between us.

"Okay, okay, Edward. It's just breakfast."

I laugh and break my hold on him. The worry in his face tells me his humor is for my benefit.

"Bagels? OJ?"

"Yes, please. Thank you."

Jasper walks into the kitchen as I go into the laundry room searching for the cleanest t-shirt I can find.

When I walk back out, he slaps the breakfast bar and tells me to take a seat.

I use the paper towel he placed down as a napkin to blow my nose, and watch him wash two plates and glasses for our breakfast.

"That was some phone call last night."

He glances at me and I nod before using the heels of my hands to rub away my headache.

Words dance on my tongue, pleading for release, and I let them go. "Jasper… I'm… I'm not doing too good."

He abandons the dishes and faces me.

"I know, Edward, and I'm so so sorry."

"You're sorry?"

"I thought, I don't know, that tough love approach worked in the past. But…"

"Please don't take blame, I can't take anymore guilt."

"No guilt, Edward…" Jasper tilts his head, with eyes of concern, he sees me for who I am in this moment. "Did something happen last night?"

"Yes. I went home with that redhead from Kell's, Victoria."

His lips part. There is no impassive therapist's expression. He is shocked and I somehow feel comfort that he is.

"Edward, did you… did you sleep with her?"

"No, no, no. I didn't touch her. Wait that's not true." My lies and reality separate—water and oil. "I did touch her. I touched her ankles, and knees, one hand touched her thigh…"

"Okay, Edward, but you didn't sleep with her?"

"No… and I didn't kiss her."

"Alright, alright. You got out of there and that's what's important. Hang onto that, alright, Edward."

"I almost didn't."

"But you did." His voice is forceful, convincing… but…

"Are you going to tell Alice?"

"Fuck no. Why would I do that?"

Oh, thank God.

I reach for a plate, but Jasper stops me.

"Edward, you're shaking."

I hold out my hand and see the tremble—it's not the first time in recent memory.

"It's nothing. Low blood sugar, you know… hung over."

He pours me a glass of orange juice. "Here, you need to drink and eat while I think."

Jasper disappears into my office for a few minutes and returns with pen and paper.

While I eat, he makes notes and asks the occasional question.

"When was the last time you saw Sparrow?"

"I don't know. I missed at least one appointment, maybe more." My honesty with him feels so freeing.

"That's fine. I think you should see someone else anyway. I'm going to make you an appointment with someone new."

"Really, Jasper, I think I'll freak starting with someone new right now."

"Yes. Good point. At least Sparrow knows your history."

After breakfast, Jasper sends me upstairs to take a shower.

I come down to find he is on the last of several phone calls.

He goes through the list with me:

-Contractors come at noon to fix the holes and paint my walls back to white.
-At four, a cleaning team will come in and do everything, including my laundry.
-I have an appointment with Sparrow tomorrow morning—the soonest he could take me.
-I am to have dinner tonight with Jasper at his place.

I notice no mention of Alice for dinner, and I'm sure she isn't ready to see me. Can't say I blame her.

"I have appointments all day, Edward. I'd like you to come to the office with me."

"No, I'll be alright."

"I don't think I want you alone."

I laugh, feeling lighter already. "Really, I'm good. I'll feel better if I accomplish something on my own today."

"How about a doctor's appointment?"

I give him a quizzical look.

"You need something for that cold."

"Nah, what is he going to do? It's just a cold. I'll pick up something at the drug store."

"Fine, I'll let you win on this one," he says with his characteristic smirk. "Oh, and tonight, I want you to call Carlisle from my place."

"Carlisle? Has he been in touch with you?" I wince.

"Yes, he has. He's worried, that's all. We're all worried, Edward."

I nod as he grabs his coat and heads for the door. I've put everyone through so much. A bubble of emotion rises in my chest.

"Jasper, wait…" I walk around the bar to where he's standing. Feeling small, I shove my hands in my pockets and search for the words. "I know I'm not a really good friend to you, Jasper, but someday… I hope…"

He throws his arms around me, crushing his chest to mine. He speaks in my ear with emotion I've never heard from his voice, "Listen to me, Edward. You are the best friend anyone could hope for. The best person I've ever known. You're my brother. You are going through some serious grieving right now. We'll get through it. "

"Thank you. I love you, Jasper," is all I can manage to get out, my words racing against my tears, daring to spill.

We break our hold and he asks again if I want to join him at the office.

"Thank you, but no. I'm going to be productive today."

"I'll see you tonight?"

"Definitely."

~0~

I walk past Kell's with a bag of every cold medicine the pharmacy carried. As I peer inside the window, I see the place is empty with the exception of Riley setting up the bar.

There are a several hours until dinner, and Riley has put up with a lot of my shit, so I head on in to make amends.

"Hey, Edward."

"Hi, Riley." Like a good bartender, he greets me without judgment.

"The usual?"

"No. Just coffee, please."

"Sure." He can't hide the relief in his voice.

He pours me coffee and says quietly, "I tried stopping her last night."

Fuck, he knows. I don't know what to do… play it off?

"I mean… I saw you leave, and I could tell Victoria was going after you."

"Yeah, well…" I shrug.

"A bartender is like a vault. You don't have to worry about me saying anything, Edward."

"Thanks, Riley, but honestly, nothing happened."

"It didn't…?" He examines my face for a second, then relaxes. "Oh, thank God."

"You believe me, don't you?"

"Yeah. Bartenders—we're vaults and lie detectors. It's in our blood."

Riley excuses himself and heads to the back for a minute.

I have so many apologies to make, it overwhelms me.

When Riley comes back out, I try to apologize to him, but he waves me off and tells me horror stories about his worst customers.

The bell above the door rings, grabbing my attention.

Holy shit, Carlisle.

"Riley! How are you?" He removes his leather gloves and gives Riley a hearty shake from across the bar.

"Hi, Reverend."

"Riley, you know to call me Carlisle."

I can't believe what I'm seeing. Carlisle has been here maybe once or twice that I know.

Oh, shit, this is a setup.

"Edward, I was hoping I'd bump into you." He slaps my back, and takes the seat next to me.

"Hi, Carlisle."

Fuck, I'm just a few hours away from calling him, too.

"What will you have, Carlisle?" Riley asks, placing a coaster in from of him.

"How about a brandy? Something to warm me up. I've been out Christmas shopping all morning."

"You got it."

I gesture to Riley to put it on my tab.

"So, how have you been, Edward?" Carlisle's jovial performance is so bad it makes me squirm.

"I'm okay… I, um, I was going to call you tonight."

"Ahh. Well… nice I ran into you then, huh?"

He doesn't believe me, and why should he?

"Mmm-hmm." I'm sixteen again and ashamed.

"We've missed you around campus—church too."

"Yeah, I know. I… um… I've been missing a lot of things lately."

"I see that."

Riley brings Carlisle's brandy and I consider ditching the coffee for something stronger.

"Well, Edward. The advisor in me needs to get you to schedule classes for next semester."

I start to fidget, touching my face, pulling my hair… Fuck, I should have called him.

"Yeah, well, about that, Carlisle… I don't think I'm coming back next semester."

"Hmm." He swirls his snifter and takes a sip.

"You know, like what we talked about… not really my calling."

"Well, you could always keep yourself busy with the non-ordination track. The classes seem to interest you."

"True," I say, but sitting in class discussing the nature of divinity is the last thing I can do right now.

"It will give you something to do while you wait to hear about graduate programs."

"Mmm-hmm." I glance at him again. Studying mental health is the second to last thing I can do right now.

"Or… Esme could really use you back at the office. She's been swamped."

"She has?"

"Yep. Good for business though, right?" He slaps my back again, trying so hard.

"Right. Yeah, yes, I'll be happy to help her."

"Good, good. I'll let her know."

"Carlisle," my voice shakes, "I know I've been a real fuck up… mess up lately. But really, I was going to call tonight. Jasper came over this morning, he's helping me pull things together."

He regards me for a long time. I hope he believes me.

"Edward, I'd be happy to help, too."

"I know. Thank you."

Until this moment, I didn't know why I had been avoiding him, more so than anyone else, but now I understand. He is the father I've disappointed. The man who had great hopes for me, and I've failed to fulfill each one.

We sit in silence together as he finishes his drink. Then he turns to me and says, "I'll pick you up at six on Friday."

I don't understand.

"Friday, Edward?"

"Friday?"

"Friday is Christmas Eve, Edward."

Oh.

"Okay, right. You don't have to pick me up. I'll be there. Six? I'll be there at six."

Picking up his shopping bags, he stands and says in a stern tone, "I prefer to pick you up."

"Are you sure, I can drive…"

"Edward, you have rejected every attempt I have made to reach out to you. I have tried to give you the space you seem to want, but I cannot risk you breaking my wife's heart on Christmas."

It's a well-deserved blow.

"Yes, sir." I try to meet his eyes like the man I want to be. "I'll be ready at six."

"I know you will." He wraps his arm around my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. "Take care of yourself, son."

"Thank you."

I spend the afternoon wandering aimlessly around Pioneer Square, searching for Christmas presents. Finally, I notice the wreaths and red velvet bows marking the season. I look at the jewelry store window display where I had my mother's ring replicated for Her.

The masochist, or maybe it is the man, in me decides to go in and claim the ring. Jewelry cases line the walls of the store. Gold, diamonds, and platinum sparkle under the glass and well-focused lights. I walk a few steps in, and scan the store looking for an available clerk.

My eyes land on the glint of a metal wheel in the corner of the store… a woman with short black hair, next to the wheelchair… Alice.

I turn to leave when a man calls out, "Mr. Masen, it's nice to see you again."

I freeze.

"Edward? Is that you?" Alice says, halting my escape.

I turn around to find her wide-eyes and gentle smile, not the fierce expression I had anticipated. I nod to the clerk and he walks into a back room.

"Alice," I say smiling and walking towards her. "You're standing?"

"A little bit at a time," she says sitting back in the chair. "I hope to be walking by Christmas." Seeing her reminds me of selfishness, the lack of effort I've put into my own transformation.

Alice is my lesson.

"Walking by Christmas? Who are you, Tiny Tim?"

Alice laughs and grabs my hand, then mocks offense. "That's not a height crack, is it Masen?"

"Absolutely not… I have to say, though, I had no idea just how tiny you were."

"I prefer petite."

She's smaller than her roommate.

"Petite with a huge personality."

Alice rubs her thumb over my knuckles and tells me she is Christmas shopping for Jasper.

"Let me show you something," she says, and I don't care what she says or shows me, as long as she keeps smiling up at me.

A woman behind the counter pulls out a pair of blue topaz cuff links from the case.

"Mmm." Alice holds them in her hands, and turns them in the light to see the facets. "I think they match his eyes. Do you think he'll like them?"

"He'll love them, Alice."

"I'll take them."

As the woman takes the cuff links away, Alice brings our linked hands to her mouth and presses a kiss to the back of my hand. Closing her eyes, she kisses me twice more.

I thought she hated me. Or, at the very least, would give me a hard time.

"Alice… why are you being nice to me?"

Though she isn't surprised by the question, her simple answer catches me off guard.

"Because I love you, Edward."

Before I can respond, the first clerk is back with a back velvet ring box saying, "Your ring, Mr. Masen."

He opens the box, and I look away.

"Oh, my," Alice whispers. "Is that what I think it is?"

"You like it?"

I keep my eyes focused on her face, instead of the ring. Her gaze shifts back and forth between the ring and my eyes.

"It's stunning." Alice's eyes fill with tears.

Without looking, I snatch the ring box out of his hand, snapping it shut. "Here, Merry Christmas, Alice," and I hand her the ring.

Pressing her lips together, she shakes her head, and pushes the ring box into my palm and closes my fingers around it.

"Don't be ridiculous, Edward. You're going to need this ring someday."

It has been a day of honesty, and I have no intention of stopping. "I don't think so Alice. I think our window has closed… Really, I want you to have it."

I try to place it back in her hands but they fly up, palms facing me.

"No way. I don't want another woman's ring."

I smile and shake my head at her dramatic display. "Alice… really…"

She tilts her head. "Oh, Edward. Poor bunny… with this horrible beard," she reaches up and gives a gentle tug at the whiskers on my chin, "where has your faith gone?"

"I don't know where it went, Alice, but I'm certain it's gone."

Her expression is woeful for a moment, then a small smile curls in the corner of her mouth. "Mmm… I once lost hope, when I needed it the most. A very dear man came to me—a man of faith. He had so much, he could share it with me and not deplete his supply. He brought light to my dark night."

I keep my eyes down, close to tears for the third time today.

"I have enough faith for both of us, my dear friend."

"Thank you, Alice," I croak out, pushing the words from my closing throat.

Her smile widens, "I've been ditched for dinner. Let's shop and grab a bite."

I laugh. "I um… I think I'm the reason you've been ditched."

"I thought it might be you," she narrows her eyes. "Well, may I join you two for dinner?"

"Please."

"First, shopping."

"Good. I could use your help."

"Shopping help? You came to the right woman."

We stroll from shop to shop and I finally find the nerve to say, "Alice I know you and Jasper are on an information embargo—I'm not supposed to get any news, but… is she okay?"

"Good question. I think so."

"You don't know? Is she hiding again?"

"A bit. She spends all her time in Forks, maybe comes back one day a week. Jasper and I will be there in a few days."

I remember the plans we once had, Carlisle, Esme, all of us, spending Christmas in Forks. It seems so long ago.

"When she does come back here… how does she look?"

Alice tips her head back, peering up at me.

"I don't mean is she…"

"I know what you mean. You want to know if she is eating?"

"Yes."

"I think so. Yes."

"Good."

I look over at Alice's face, and I can tell she is holding something back.

"Alice…? Is she sick?"

"You know, Edward. Bella has had a pretty crazy couple of months."

I stop wheeling her and walk to the front of the chair. It feels like the most important request I've ever made, "Please tell me."

Alice hesitates before giving in, "The last time she was home… I think, maybe… I smelled bleach in the bathroom."

Her method of covering up when she's been sick.

"Thank you for letting me know."

I walk behind her chair again.

My jaw tightens as I sift through a myriad of emotions—two rivaling voices speak above all others, splitting me in two:

My Bella, my love, how much more can you take?

Good, she's sick. And she said she didn't need you. She gets what she deserves. Maybe her boyfriend, Doc, can take care of her.

The realization is so clear, it make me lightheaded. I grip the handles of Alice's chair. The monster inside of me is killing everyone in his path—any chance of love.

Blood thirsty.

The more I feed him, the stronger he becomes. He must be destroyed.

"Edward, are you okay?"

"Yeah."

I start to wheel the chair again.

"Alice. I'm not ready to call her… I have a lot to think about first. Will you tell her I asked about her, though?"

"Yes, Edward. I will."

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A/N: I will post again at the end of the week. I have to focus on finishing the J x A outtake for my friend and those of you who donated—thank you!

I think I responded to all of the HEA questions; if I missed yours, please ask again.

Also (shameless plug) She Gives Me Religion is up for The Lemonade Stand's Fic of the week. I'm thrilled. You can vote for up to five stories you like, and I hope SGMR is among them. Voting ends tomorrow (YIKES!)-and I would love your support. The link should appear on my profile soon, or you can try http:/tehlemonadestand (dot) blogspot (dot) com/ (Just put periods where those 'dots' are.)

Love to know what you think.

Liz x