Hello Readers,
Thank you for your continued support. I am sorry I have not had time to respond to more of your reviews. Please know they mean the world to me. I know I have some of the best reviewers there are-challenging and inspiring me.
I hope my author's note last time did not cause you concern. I was not trying to hint at anything—nothing wonky is on the horizon.
I'll let the chapter speak for itself.
Special Thanks to Raina for the medical advice, xoEMC for pre-reading, Sunshine for beta'ing, robsjenn for pimping, and orangeapeal, just because.
This took longer than I predicted. I hope it is worth it.
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From Chapter Thirty-six:
I swim this way for what feels like an eternity—a breath of cold pain and a sink into peace—my mother, my father, and my Creator always with me.
"Jesus Christ."
A crash of broken glass falls next to me. I struggle to open my eyes to the orange and pink dawn sky.
"Edward, Edward, hang on," Riley's panicked voice is with me. "Molly! I found him. Call 9-1-1!"
Please stay with me.
"I'm here, buddy. People have been looking for you all night."
I dip back into the black and feel a coat placed over me. Riley's hands are rubbing my body, heating me. The sound of sirens is like the music of heaven.
"That's my son," my father says, proudly.
It is the last thing I hear.
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Chapter Thirty-seven
God is Good
.
.
There is a flutter of sensation.
Then warm darkness.
.
.
There is a patchwork of florescent light behind my lids, muffled sound, and pain- throbbing pain throughout my body.
Then I fall back into my dark pool.
.
.
Something is placed over my face. It covers my mouth and nose.
I know I am lying, comfortable, warm. It is all I know.
The black ink seeps in. I cannot fight it. I rest.
.
.
I sense the sound of women's voices—soothing and soft. Something cool touches the palm of my hand, brushes my knuckles.
The voice has a familiar silk, tenor, and kindness—Bella. She's here, her hand in mine. Mine in hers.
I fight to decipher words:
"…can't stay, dear."
"A few more minutes?"
Please God, a few more minutes.
Bella's hand warms against mine.
"It's Levaquin and Rocephin. They're antibiotics for the pneumonia."
"Are his numbers any better?"
"His pulse ox is improving."
The voices fall away again, just distant vibrations.
"… waiting in the Family Room…"
I swim against the current of my ink pool to stay with my Bella as long as I can.
There are kisses on my hand.
There are words broken by sobs.
"… I love you. Please come back to me, Edward."
I will.
I drift to the depths once again.
.
.
"Hi, son."
Esme
"I wanted to let you know everyone is waiting here for you."
Her voice is clearer than any I remember. The mask is on my face again. I think I remember times when it was not. My head, my aching head.
"You should see us. Everyone is still in their New Year's Eve outfits." There is a smile to her voice. I am grateful.
Is Bella here?
"Detective Jenks is here, too." I feel Esme's fingers brush my bangs away. "He and Bella told us everything, but I don't want you to worry about that…"
A glimpse of Jenks in my condo flickers in my mind.
"… she loves you so, so much."
The dark comes again.
.
.
Every sensation, pain, and ache fades away, but for one pinpoint of awareness—my arid nostrils. I feel like I have rocks up my nose that reach my skull. The tube under my nose is the culprit and needs to be destroyed.
I lift my hand and pull it away.
"There you are, Edward."
I blink open my eyes and see a nebulous image—a soft-shaped woman with a mane of curly black hair, putting the tube back.
"Do you know who I am?"
It takes only a second—the nurse I visit when I come here with Carlisle. My breathing is shallow. I sip enough air to push out her name.
"Siobhan?" My voice sounds foreign, a high-pitched rasp.
As her image sharpens, I see her smile. "Yes. You're at Harborview. You're in the ICU."
I blink my yes, not sure if I'm nodding. Though I can make out her Irish lilt, I miss some words. "… wedged yourself between the wall and dumpster… out all night…"
"Thirsty." It is the only thing I can focus on.
"A little later, I'll give you some ice chips. I'll be back in a moment. Dr. Sluder is the attending. Do you remember Dr. Sluder?"
Sluder? No. Maybe I should lie. Why am I here? Wait, that name…
"Yes." I remember. She's the compassionate, smart, silver-haired doctor I've come to know over the past few months.
I close my eyes, counting the heartbeats that pulse in my head, until I hear another voice.
"Edward?"
Carlisle, Siobhan, and Dr. Sluder stand in the cramped space around my bed.
I have so many questions.
"What day is it?" I ask.
"It is January, 2nd. Monday morning. The ambulance brought you here yesterday morning." Dr. Sluder speaks clearly and simply. It is easy to follow. "You have pneumonia. You had a head CT to rule out any head injuries. An x-ray revealed some hairline rib fractures, probably from prolonged coughing. Does it hurt to breathe?"
"Yes." I drag my hand to my ribs and noticed they are wrapped in some way. "Inhaling, mostly inhaling."
"Intense pain?"
In the moment it takes for me to process the question, she points out a chart on the opposite wall. It must be intended for children—it is a continuum of happy to sad faces, each with a corresponding number from 1 to 10. It would normally make me smile, but I have no energy.
"Five," I say. I've never felt sicker, but I'm sure others have felt worse.
Carlisle narrows his eyes at me.
"Maybe six."
The doctor writes on the clipboard at the bottom of my bed, and as she says some things to Siobhan, I look to Carlisle. His blue eyes are clouded and tired, but he is relieved.
"I'm thirsty," I croak out again.
Dr. Sluder inspects my face and eyes.
"If you're still alert in a little while, you can have some ice chips." She nods to Siobhan, who nods to me.
Frustration.
Why can't I have them now?
Is Bella here?
"You're in good hands, I'll check back with you later, Edward. Not too long, Carlisle, he needs his rest."
When the others leave, Carlisle pulls up the one chair next to my bed.
"Hi, Edward." Now that he is close, I can see the tension he's been holding. "It's good to have you back."
"Tell everyone I'm okay."
"I will." His voice is quiet and somber. He grasps my forearm and I become more aware of the tubes in the top of my hand, and the monitor clipped to my finger. I look to my right and see a machine tracking my heartbeat.
Is all this for me? I have a bad cold, I think… No, it's pneumonia.
"Let's pray," he says. I close my eyes and let him lead me. "Heavenly Father, thank you for staying with Edward through the cold night. We have comfort knowing he was never alone. Thank you for bringing him back to us. We know he will fulfill your plan for him while on this Earthly plane. We ask you to heal him and guide him, as we ask for you to heal and guide us all. Amen."
I wasn't alone. Mom and Dad came. Instinct urges me to stifle that story.
"Amen." I blink my eyes open saying, "Thank you," and swallow the dry lump in my throat. "Is everyone okay?"
His smile emerges. "Everyone is great now." He stands and gently touches the top of my head. "I need to let you sleep."
"Carlisle, please… I have to see her."
He nods, knowingly. "Okay."
When he leaves, I rest my eyes to preserve my energy. I know she was here earlier, or I thought she was. A dream? No, it was real.
.
.
"Hi." Bella peaks her head around the curtain and walks to the chair.
"Hi you."
Seeing her, even with her swollen, tired eyes, a zippered hoodie, and ponytail, she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I cannot take my eyes off of her.
"Do you want to sleep?" she takes my hand and I'm certain that her earlier visit wasn't a dream.
"No." Stay with me.
"Dr. Sluder said you're doing well. You might be able to move to a regular room tomorrow. Everyone is so happy, Edward. They're all here. Even Charlie came up." Her tone aspires to be light and calm.
There is only thing I care about.
"Did I hurt you?" I have a memory of opening her coat, pulling her into an alley, falling.
"No," she is quiet but emphatic.
How do I explain?
"I wanted to feel your skin."
Bella pulls my hand to her mouth and exhales a sad smile. Oh, thank you. She kisses each knuckle and then presses my palm to her cheek. Her flesh is soft and downy. I watch her close her eyes and part her lips. So slowly, she brings my hand to her other cheek. She brushes my fingertips over her jaw. Taking my hand in both of hers, she slides it to her neck.
Will this be my last touch? I shove the thought away.
I stretch out my fingers to feel as much of her skin as I can. I marvel at the way she moves me, how she anticipates every need. She is magical.
Bella is as lost in our connection as I. She skates my hand across her collarbone. Her warm breath washes over my skin. My fingertips touch her neck as she swallows.
She unzips her jacket a few inches, revealing more pale, flawless skin, and gingerly opens my hand, pressing it to her sternum.
"Heartbeat," I say in a scratchy whisper. I listen through my hand—strong and steady—just like my Bella. It is all too perfect. God, don't let it end.
"Ice chips?" Siobhan quietly interrupts.
Bella widens her eyes, yanked from her trance.
"You have a nebulizer treatment in fifteen minutes, Edward. I'll be back then." Nebulizer? The mask? I think I like the mask.
"Kay."
"You should rest," Bella says holding one hand and fingering the edge of my beard with the other.
"No. Don't leave. Don't end the dream."
"It's not a dream, Edward."
"But you're here." Maybe I died. "You look like an angel."
She smiles in that bashful way of hers. How long has it been? I'm tired and want to ask everything I can, confess it all before I fall away. How can I say all that needs to be said?
"I'm sorry I left you, Bella."
"I should have come after you." Her voice shakes through unshed tears. "Let's not… we need… there will be time to talk later."
How will I make this up to you? Will you give me a chance? Are you here as my friend or my lover? Did she tell me already? I'm too scared to ask. For now I'll pretend. I'll believe she loves me as I love her.
Bella takes an ice chip from the cup and, when I part my lips, places it on my tongue. Cold and thin, it melts giving one perfect drop to slip down my throat, taking an edge off of my burning thirst and keeping me awake.
I open again.
She feeds me again.
"Tell me a story."
"Will you go to sleep if I tell you a story?" she asks with a new, light tone.
"I will if you will."
"Deal."
Another chip. Another perfect drop.
"Do you want a story about Edward Masen?"
"Please… I'm so confused Bella. There's so little I remember," I confess.
"I know, baby," she murmurs with the compassion of a lover.
Another chip.
"Edward Masen was sick over Christmas. Do you remember that?"
"Yes. I stayed with Carlisle and Esme." I look to her reassuring face.
"Yes, you did."
"You went home Sunday and saw Dr. Sparrow on Monday. Do you remember that?"
I try to piece together the rest of that day. "I came home and wrote you a letter."
"You did?"
"Mmm-hmm."
Her eyes begin to tear, but she chokes back emotion. "Well, you get an ice chip for that."
I offer my tongue then roll the chip in my mouth until is disappears.
"I don't remember what I wrote, but I think it was nice."
"We'll hunt it down when we get home."
Home.
"Do you remember anything after that?" she asks.
Visions pulse in and out, but I don't know which to believe. I shake my head. The pain crescendos. Don't do that again.
"Well, you vanished from the rest of the world. We assume now that you were in the condo, but throughout the week, we didn't know what to think. You hadn't been to Kell's, or Sparrow's. Carlton didn't see you come in or out. We slipped notes under the door, but you didn't respond. Jasper… well, a lot of people wondered if you might have gone away for a bit without telling anyone."
"I have been known to do that, you know," I say, trying to smile for her.
"Yes, I do know." She shakes her head, as if she is trying to free herself of a thought, then takes a small tube of some ointment from the plastic pink bin next to my bed.
"Your lips look dry." She squeezes a thin line of something that looks like petroleum jelly on her finger.
Lifting her finger to me, she waits for approval.
"Please."
The movement is slow, but her words are rushed as if she is racing against tears.
"We kept stopping by, and as time went on, we were more convinced you were gone."
"You stopped by?"
"Everyday."
"I remember."
"You do?" Bella stops her movement.
"I heard your voice. I thought it was a dream."
Nodding, she presses her lips between her teeth as she put away the small tube.
"What is it, Bella?"
"Edward… I thought you might be in there, but I never imagined you were still sick." She clutches a fistful of her sweatshirt at her chest, as guilt gushes like a waterfall out of her. "I thought you wanted time alone. I could have broken in, but knowing your past… I thought breaking into your condo would terrify you. I'm so, so, sorry."
"Bella, you couldn't know." Quickly, she nods and collects herself again. "And I did hide in my condo… for weeks." I no longer know if I was sick or depressed, probably both.
"Then there was New Year's Eve." Her watchful brown eyes scan my face for recollection.
"Jenks? That was real, wasn't it?"
"Yes." Her voice barely audible.
The memories assault my mind, a tide of grief drowning me. I pinch the bridge of my nose and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to obliterate the image of Bella facing the murderers… the night in my room... those who died because of me. I try to pull my legs up, to curl away, but the effort only makes me cough.
"Edward… Edward..." I feel her stand over me, holding my face and stroking under my eyes with her thumbs, whispering, "Please, please, baby… Look at me." I open my eyes and fall into the vision above me. Her strength and compassion hypnotize me. Her full lips part and her eyes widen at her intake of air. I breathe with her. And again. "There we go."
Merciful God, Thank you for Bella. May I keep her?
"We're going to work everything out. In time, I'll tell you everything. I'll help you. Everyone will help you."
"Why did you do it?" I grasp her wrist, keeping her hands on my face.
"Why?" She tilts her head, and frowns, mystified. "Why wouldn't I?"
"You did that even though you didn't love me anymore?"
Her brown eyes turn dark and fierce. "Edward Masen, I fell in love with you right here in this hospital and never, not even for one second, have I stopped."
Is it possible? I breathe painless air. Her words heal me. Though she's told me a million times, it has taken until now for me to see—her love for me is simple.
Sitting back down, she says, "And I know you might not feel the same way anymore, but right now that's not…"
"Bella, for a few days, I pretended I could live without you. Of all the lies I've told myself, it was the worst—a sacrilege against you. Against God."
"You… you do still love me?"
Oh, God, I still haven't told her.
I bring her hand to my lips, and Bella leans over, stretching her arm for me. I kiss the velvet skin of her hand. "I love you," and again, "I love you," and again, "I love you. I will love you forever, Isabella Swan."
With the back of her hand, she wipes her tear-streaked cheeks. "What were you doing out in Seattle with no coat? Were you delirious?"
"No. I was looking for you."
Bella begins to sob. "I went to get Jasper, to call 9-1-1… I had no phone… and we lost you. We looked in the alley, but we didn't see you. We spent the night searching…"
"We're okay. It's okay now. We're okay."
"Right, right. We're okay. We just had a good scare."
Bella takes the box of tissues from my bin and wipes her eyes.
"Can I have one?"
"Of course."
I take a moment to clean out the rocks in my nose, and apologize for the display.
"Don't be silly." She offers her hand and I give her the wadded up tissues.
"Can I ask you something, Bella?"
"Anything."
"Who's Garrett?"
Bella laughs. It is the song of relief. "Garrett is married to Kate. Garrett's flight was grounded because of snow in Wisconsin and he couldn't get back to his wife. He called Jasper. They dragged me out to have a drink with them. Alice said she couldn't leave me sitting alone in my pajamas. Edward, she made me get dressed. I really, really wanted to stay in my pajamas."
"Which pajamas?"
"Flannel."
"The red ones."
"Yes."
"I like those."
"Me too."
"I'm sorry Edward, it's time for Bella to go." Siobhan appears as if out of thin air.
My expression for her, an entreaty.
"Just one more minute, please," Bella asks. Her brows pull together, and I know that even Siobhan cannot refuse when she shifts her eyes between the two of us.
"Alright, I'll give you time to say good-bye, dear." She gives us peace with a sympathetic smile.
"You do need to rest, Edward." Bella stands and presses a long kiss to the top of my head. She smells clean and pure.
She leans in further and whispers in my ear, "I'm going to ask something of you. Something you asked of me once."
Her heart and mine are the same, so I know what she wants.
I turn my head, and brush my lips to her ear as I whisper the most freeing words I've ever uttered, "I surrender to you."
Knowing I am in the loving, capable hands of my Bella, sleep takes over.
~0~
"Please get me a razor."
"Why do you want a razor?" Jasper asks, warily.
I moved to a private room upstairs this morning, and since Bella left for a few minutes, Jasper has kept me company, sitting next to me… and somewhat annoying me. It is as if he has a secret. Each question I ask is met with his own question.
My pain has subsided, particularly my headache, and I've been freed of my catheter. Thank you, God. This room has a couch and a few chairs, so people can visit longer, but Bella has been as vigilant as Siobhan about my rest.
"Isn't it obvious? I look like Grizzly Adams. I gotta shave this fucking thing off of me."
"Well, I can bring you my electric shaver from home."
"An electric shaver isn't going to…" Holy Shit. It finally occurs to me what's going on. "Am I on suicide watch?" Unbelievable.
Jasper's mouth opens as if he will speak, but he says nothing.
"Oh, God, Jasper. I am not suicidal. Please tell me I'm not on suicide watch."
God, please tell him I am not suicidal.
"No, no… not officially… Edward, you can't blame me for worrying. Your behavior over the last few weeks has been quite erratic. And then… hiding behind the dumpster?"
I will never live that down.
"I know, and I appreciate your concern, but we've talked about this. I was sick and confused. You know I turned a corner before Christmas—I was seeing Sparrow, getting my act together…"
My voice trails off as Jasper rubs his hands over his face. When I really look at him, I see his three-day old stubble, and how is face sags with lack of sleep.
"When did you last sleep, Jasper?"
"I don't know… um… a little last night, whatever."
"Go home, buddy. You need to sleep, too."
He presses his hand to his forehead, then looks up at me. "You're alright?"
"Yeah. I'm going to be okay."
He sighs and slouches further down in his chair. "Before I go, I talked with a Dr. Eleazar, he's the Chief of Behavioral Healthcare… Now, before you put up a fight, I think you should consider some of the programs. They have great outpatient care…"
"Yeah."
"What?"
"I need help. My parents, the memories, I need help. How do I meet this Dr. El—what's his name?"
Jasper drops his head. "God, I thought this was going to be an argument."
"I'm done fighting. I want to move on. I'm starting to think I can have more in this life than I ever imagined… and I want it all. I need help."
"Alright, good," he says, surprise still in his voice. "In a few days, when you're doing better, I'll arrange a consult."
"Thank you. Go home to Alice. Give her my love. Get some sleep."
"Yes. A nap is in order."
He grabs his coat and starts for the door. "Should I wait until Bella returns?"
"Nah. I like to rest when she's not here so I can be alert with her."
"You got it."
I close my eyes, and listen for her soft footfall.
Fuck. I startle awake. To the right of me, Bella is asleep, sitting up on the couch. The clock reads 6:35. I've been out for a least an hour.
There is a duffle bag at her feet on the floor, and she's wearing a change of clothes—a large sweater that hides her figure and soft looking faded jeans. Have you eaten, Bella? I still yearn to feel her body. It's the truth of her happiness she can never conceal.
Oh, she looks so uncomfortable. Knocked-kneed and pigeon-toed, with her chin tucked awkwardly—she's going to be sore. I know she's exhausted.
Should I wake her?
"How are we doing, Edward?" Fuck. I don't have a choice. The new nurse is loud. And wiry, with thin blond hair. Bella stirs as she strides in the room. I glance at the whiteboard on the opposite wall:
'Nurse on Duty: Sophia'
"I'm feeling good. Thanks, Sophia." I glance over to Bella, hoping Sophia will have some sympathy and lower her voice. No luck.
Bella wakes up and smiles at me as I roll my eyes behind Sophia's back. There are numbers rattled off that mean nothing to me, but Bella scrambles for a notebook and writes each one down. While vials of blood are drawn, I look to Bella and she gives a thumbs up and a wink, letting me know my numbers look good.
Bella the nurse.
"Um… Sophia…? We haven't met. I'm Bella. You're going to see a lot of me."
"Oh, so you're the one bearing gifts. You're very popular at the nurses' station."
"I'm glad you like them."
Gifts?
"When Edward's ready he can change into pajamas. Is that correct?"
"Yes. Nothing too tight."
Too tight? I have a bizarre image of black Lycra pajamas hidden in Bella's bag.
"Right. Of course."
The women go on talking about food, the numbers, and pajamas. I love seeing Bella like this—so charming. She touches Sophia on the arm as they talk. Her warmth is sincere.
Why did I leave her? I can barely remember.
Bella turns to me with a smile after Sophia's exit. "Alone again."
"Thank God."
She rifles through her belongings and retrieves an insulated lunch bag.
"What did you bring me?"
"If you are sure you're ready, Esme made some tomato soup for you. It's mild."
"Mmm. Please."
I push the button on my bed to bring myself to sitting as Bella clears off my cluttered tray. She uses the sanitizer to wipe everything down, then lays out a placemat I recognize from Carlisle and Esme's house.
"Carlisle made you bread." She takes out a small foil wrapped loaf. "Oh, still warm." She hands it to me and I my mouth waters at the aroma and feel.
"I love food."
"I know. We'll take it slow. No need to push."
Tomato soup? I want grilled cheese.
"I have a grilled cheese, too."
She feels the foil-wrapped square. "Oh, this still is warm, too."
I watch her set up my place setting, pouring a little soup from the thermos in a small white bowl I've never seen before.
"Have you eaten?"
"Yep."
"What did you have?" A cheese sandwich?
"I had a cheese sandwich." Bella chuckles. "Two actually. Don't worry about me."
I tuck a napkin in the collar of my hospital gown and Bella brings a spoonful of soup to me, her hand underneath to catch any drops.
She feeds me a sip and my taste buds awaken from a long hibernation "Wow, that's good."
"The cafeteria isn't bad downstairs. They made the grilled cheese."
Bella dips a corner in the soup then brings it to me. The crisp bread and butter melt with cheese and soup on my tongue—amazing.
"More?"
"Mmm-hmm."
I can't control the smile that starts to spread as I watch her carefully dip another corner and bring it to me. "You know I can feed myself, right?"
"Of course I do."
"We both like it better this way?"
"Yep."
Bella continues to feed me until I finish the small bowl of soup, more than half the sandwich, and a large hunk of fresh bread.
Unfortunately, I have the urge to pee. Though I went with Jasper earlier, I've been dreading this moment, and it must show on my face.
"What's wrong? Do you need something?"
"I have to use the bathroom."
"Oh. Okay." Bella pulls away the cart and rolls my IV to me, as if she practiced while I slept. Maybe she did.
My body is stiff. Every joint aches with the slightest move. I brace myself by gripping the bed and, with Bella's help, carefully swing my legs around.
Humiliating.
Thank God, she says nothing. No cooing at me like I'm a child.
Her arm slides around my waist.
"Ready?"
"Yeah."
I take a breath and stand with her as my support. Impossible to straighten, I walk with her to the bathroom hunched over like a decrepit old man.
We reach the door. "I… I'll… be right back."
"I'm here if you need me."
I walk in and close the door behind me, comforted that she didn't push to help me. I grasp the pole holding my IV, and pee. As I wash my hands, I look in the mirror at this man—this homeless man—I do not know. His body is a shriveled, and shaped like a question mark. His thin face is masked by this bushy mass, but his eyes, large and frightening, are sunken into purple-grey skin.
How can she ever find me attractive again?
I see no resemblance of my father in my body, nor my mother in my face. It's just me reflected in the mirror. Just Edward.
There is a tap on the bathroom door. "Need me?"
No, but I want you. Ironic. That's the bullshit argument that started this whole mess. I no longer care about any of it. Life is too fucking short.
I open the door. "I have everything I need." We take the slow journey back to my bed.
"Pajamas tonight?" From her inflection, I know she's already answered her own question.
I can't undress in front of you, not yet. "Tomorrow?"
"Sounds good."
I get into bed and Bella pulls the blankets to my chest. She rubs my arm. "Close your eyes, you know where I'll be."
As she steps towards the couch, I clutch her hand. "Shuffy-shuffy?"
Her eyes smile before her lips. "Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Kay."
Bella scurries around the corner and closes the door. When she turns back around, she bounces her brows, and has a mischievous glint in her eyes.
"We have a good two hours before your next nebulizer," she whispers like a kid cutting school for the first time.
I try not to wince as I make room for her in the bed, but I fail.
"Are you sure? Sure?"
"Yes. Yes. Sure, sure."
"Kay."
Quickly, she kicks off her shoes and runs to the side of my bed without the IV.
I turn on my side and find the position more comfortable than I thought. I open the blanket for her and she crawls inside.
"Wait." Bella reaches up and turns out the florescent light above our head. "Okay, good," she whispers in the dark, just like when we're at home.
We snuggle together, perfectly fitting spoons. Her hair smells good. I'm sure mine does not.
"Hmm. Should I be the outside spoon? You're the sick one."
I chuckle at her whisper and match her breathy voice. "No. I like it like this."
"Close your eyes, you should sleep."
"You too."
I slip my hand between her jeans and her sweater, looking for my favorite part of her flesh… And maybe feeling to see if she's lost weight.
As I reach her stomach, Bella laces her fingers through mine, presses a kiss on my palm and clutches our hands to her chest. No luck.
I breathe her in. Mmm. This is nice. I came so close to losing this. How did I get it back? It can't be this simple. Can it be this simple? Jesus Christ, they said I almost died two nights ago. Wow. A million thoughts come rushing in.
"Edward, you're shaking." She peers up to look at me.
"I'm… I'm okay."
"It's a lot to take in."
Bella turns fully around and touches my face.
"Yeah." I hold onto her. "When I get home, will you let me start over? Maybe we can start this thing from the beginning."
"Start over? How about we pick up where we left off?"
"Yeah? That'd be okay with you?"
"That would be great with me."
"We have a lot to talk about."
"I know. We will."
Bella begins tenderly playing with my whiskers and I start to reconsider shaving the beard.
"And I think I'm going to see a new therapist, maybe. Um, someone who's here at the hospital."
She encourages me with a subtle nod, so I keep going.
"And, I won't get in the way of you and Doc anymore. I promise I won't…"
"I stopped seeing him."
"Yeah?"
"We, we disagreed on some… really important issues."
"Oh." Like what? Me?
"You'll like my new therapist."
"What's he like?"
"She. It's a she. And she's… about fifty, chain-smoking, cusses like a sailor… tough. Doesn't take crap from anyone. Her name is Anne."
"I like her already." I feel no need to conceal questions that a month ago I would be too fearful to ask. "Do you think maybe you'd consider coming to my doctor with me, or I can go to yours. You know, just a few times. Maybe we can, I don't know…"
"Of course." Her smile widens. "It would be so us to go to counseling together, because we dated for two months, it makes sense," she says wryly.
"Yes. Backwards. We do everything backwards."
"Truer words have never been spoken." She pulls herself up and gives me a kiss on my forehead. "Okay, nap time."
"Nap time." She turns back around and I press my body to hers. We should sleep, but I miss talking to her. "So, you fell in love with me in this hospital?"
"I slept with you the first night, didn't I?"
"That was very promiscuous of you."
"That's it, you're in trouble, mister."
"Are you going to spank me with a ruler?"
Her giggles make the bed vibrate. "No. Now go to bed."
I wait several moments for her sleeping purr, but it doesn't come.
"Bella are you sleeping?"
"No. Are you?"
I laugh into her hair.
"So, when I was in my condo, you didn't come in and dance around in your underwear?"
"THAT was a dream."
"Thought so."
"I'll do it for you when we go home."
"Really? Thanks."
I hold her more tightly and tangle my legs with hers. We lie like this in silence and my heart swells. I am awed by the grace of God.
God is good.
"Little bed," is the last thing I hear before her sleeping purr comes.
.
.
.
"Edward." An admonishing whisper pulls my attention. Shit. Siobhan.
"I'm not waking her. This is the best sleep either of us has had."
"Bella bribed the nurses up here with chocolate, you know."
"I've bribed you with brownies before."
She drops her mouth in mock horror, "Those were gifts," and gives a quiet laugh.
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Turn a blind eye?"
"Well, that, yes. But, Bella's feet are cold. She has very thin socks on."
With a smirk, Siobhan disappears, then returns with two fresh pairs of hermetically sealed hospital socks, one for each of us.
.
.
.
.
*Big Sigh*
We are down to a few chapters and an epilogue. I learned from this chapter that I do not want to rush my writing for quicker updates, it would better serve you, the story, and myself to get each chapter in this last act just right before posting. I expect ten days to two weeks for each remaining update. Thank you for your patience.
Warm regards,
Liz x