A/N: Hello, lovelies! Hope your all having a wonderful day/night. I'm about ready for bed and it's not even dark yet! Lol.

Thank you so very, very much to TempusSimia, brightglo, Mythical Words and Genna for their reviews :). It means so much. I'm getting lots of hits, so thank you all. I would really love to hear your thoughts at the end!

Enjoy!

Chapter 5: Guilt

I slept peacefully, for once, and woke up feeling surprisingly good. I threw the covers off and got straight into the shower. It was still overcast so I settled on a pair of light cargo pants and a green t-shirt which I threw my hoddie over. I shoved my phone into my pocket and my feet into sneakers before skipping down the stairs.

Sam was sitting at the table with his nose stuck in a newspaper while Emily moved around the kitchen preparing mountains of toast and what I think were eggs. Tasha wasn't up yet, but then it was only six, and she never got up earlier then seven.

"Morning," Sam said with a smile, folding his newspaper and dropping it on the table.

"Hi. What's the world doing?" I swiped a piece of unbuttered toast and set about smothering it with the creamy substance.

"Not much."

"Uh huh, it always goes on pause when I'm away."

"Ha ha, you're that important are you?" He teased.

I grinned at him. "Of course I am, cuz."

Emily watched me take a bite out of the toast with a frown. "Don't you want something else on that?"

"Nope," I darted around the bench and bee lined for the door.

"Where are you going? You haven't had a proper breakfast yet!" Emily called after me. She probably wasn't used to anyone eating normal amounts of food.

"To wake Leah up, bye!"

"Don't forget Jake will be here at ten!" Sam yelled after me.

"I know!" 'Thanks tones for reminding me.' The Clearwater house wasn't to far away so I set off at a jog, taking an old trail that cut through the forest and lead right to their back door. The ground was still wet and mud caked the base of my sneakers pretty quickly. Rustling to my left made me skid to a halt and look around, it was an inbuilt reaction to noise when I'm not expecting it.

The forest was still, the trees acting as a block to any wind there might have been. The only noise I could hear now were birds and the distance sound of waves. I set off again at a walk, my senses on full alert. My ears never played tricks on me. I was trained to hear things that other people missed, see things other people missed.

I went a couple of metres when I heard the light footfalls on soft earth behind me and to my left. I stopped. The feet stopped. I started again and a few seconds later, so did what was following me. It didn't sound like a person, since people only had two feet. This sounded more like my little fluffy mutt did when he wandered aimlessly around my tiny living room at home. So this behind me was probably a stray dog. No major emergencies unless it decided to leap out and maul me. I wasn't far from Leah's now though, so I wasn't worried.

Satisfied that I knew what was going on, I broke into a jog again and before long the little blue house I remembered peaked through the trees. My follower had stopped a few paces back, probably not game to venture near houses.

The Clearwater property was pretty much the same as every other property in La Push. Little house backed onto the forest, no actual yard and a car shed that had seen better days. Sue had an immaculate garden though, and even without the aid of sunlight, she managed to grow just about everything.

I crept up to the back door and listened. There was movement in the kitchen, Sue, but apart from that the house was silent. Taking off my muddy shoes and opening the door quietly, I tip toed down the little hall and poked my head around the door to the kitchen. Sue was in her dark fluffy green dressing gown and matching fuzzy slippers and in the process of making breakfast.

"Good morning, Aunty." I whispered, grinning.

She looked up at me and smiled. "Hello, Evie. How are you, dear?"

"Good, are your children here?"

"Leah is. Seth's out with some of the boys though." She grinned. "You know where to go."

"Great, see you in a sec."

She smiled and waved me off. I crept stealthy up through the living room and up the stairs to Leah's bedroom. Her door was open slightly and I pushed it open a little further so I could assess the situation.

My best friend was flat on her back, fast asleep and snoring lightly. One arm was bent above her head and the other lay across her stomach. The blankets were half on, half off her and one leg was hanging off the bed. This would be a piece of cake.

Pushing the door open further, I stepped towards her, and then at the last minute I leapt onto the bed with a much exaggerated war cry. Her eyes flew open and she let out a strangled scream, trying to get away, which sent us both and all the blankets to the floor with a great 'thump'.

"Evie!" She yelled. "What are you doing, you idiot!" I was to busy laughing to reply. "I could have killed you!" She insisted again, grabbing my arm and hauling me to my feet.

"You should have seen your face!" I doubled over, holding my stomach.

"Retard," She muttered and fell back on her bed with a groan.

"Aww, come on Leelee, smile!" I started poking her repeatedly until she laughed.

"Alright alright, I'm smiling, happy now?"

"Very, come on, your Mum's making breakfast." I tugged on her hand.

"You mean Emily let you out the door without feeding you?" She asked, giving into my pulling and getting up.

"I took a piece of toast and ran, now come on!" Keeping a hold of her hand I lead the way back down stairs. "How come Seth's not at home? Has he got a girlfriend?"

"No, he's with Quil and Brady I think." She said as she moved to the kettle, kissing her mother's cheek on the way past. Everyone might think Leah was a bitch, and she might have been to everyone else, but she was always loving around her family.

"Oh, okay. Doing what?" I sat down at the little table.

"God knows," Leah muttered.

"He'll be fine," Sue chuckled. "On these mornings he goes back to Emily's for breakfast, saves half of my fridge's contents."

I laughed. "They sure can put it away. I don't think I've ever seen so much food consumed at once before in my life."

"It's a Quileute thing." Leah muttered, accepting the equally large plate of French toast Sue was handing her. She sat down at the table as Sue set mine in front of me and sat on my other side.

"How come I don't eat like a starved hippo then?" I loved Sue's French toast, I don't know what she does to it, but you don't get any better anywhere else. She even makes it better then the French do.

"You're not full Quileute…are you insinuating I'm fat?"

"You should be! You should all be, like, four hundred pounds! But no, you all look like the Native version of Greek gods."

"Quileute thing," She reminded me, waving her loaded fork in my direction.

I scoffed. "Yeah yeah, whatever, honey. I'm proud of my Irish blood."

"Course you are, that's why you do everything the difficult way." She teased.

"Now girls, stop your bickering and eat." Sue chastised, but she was smiling.

I pointed at Leah childishly. "She started it."

"I did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Well, you're older so you should know better."

"Mum!"

"Enough," Sue laughed. "Eat your breakfast. What are you doing today, Evie? Seth told me you were giving him driving lessons in a Ferrari Enzo, whatever that is."

I giggled. "It's the big red car I came in, and yes I gave him lessons yesterday. Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to him. Today's lesson will be 'how to wash a Ferrari Enzo'."

"Then he can learn 'how to clean his room, like his mother keeps telling him to do'."

I nodded eagerly. "Sure thing, anything else you want me to teach him?"

"Laundry," Leah said automatically. "And then washing up."

We laughed. "So all you're doing today is domesticating my son?" Sue asked me, smiling.

I shrugged. "I'll start today, might take a while though. Sam's setting me up with Jacob Black. I'm supposed to be back at the house at ten so the little twerp can show me around La Push." I rolled my eyes. "It was pretty pointless to tell him I remember everything, he was pretty intent on getting me to agree."

"You and Jacob? Alone? Today?" Leah said slowly, her eyebrows shooting to the top of her head.

I sighed dramatically and nodded. "Sam wants us to get along so I'll like it here and come back or something stupid. Oh, and I've made a truce with cousin to." I watched my best friend carefully for a reaction. 'Please, don't hate me. Pretty please.'

She nodded slowly. "That's…good."

"Good?" I echoed.

"It is," Sue agreed. "It's time you and Sam calm the seas. He's a good man, Evie."

"So everyone seems to think. What do you think, Leah?"

"I'm not mad at you, if that's what you're asking. I want you to come visit more often to, and that'll be easier if you're not still avoiding your family." She stated. "I don't think your betraying me or anything stupid, Evie."

I smiled. "Good, I would have died if you did."

She smirked and rolled her eyes. "You should have been an actress, you're that dramatic."

Scoffing I waved the idea off. "Not my cup of tea."

"Have you heard from your mother recently?" Sue asked as we cleared the table while Leah ducked up stairs for a shower.

I shook my head. "I haven't spoken to her for ages. She rang Tasha for her birthday about six weeks ago, she was somewhere in England. We hardly hear from her." Ever since she retired from her job but remained a partner in the firm, mother dearest has gone off travelling the world. I rarely had contact with her and saw her even less.

Sue nodded absentmindedly. We were silent as we washed up and cleaned the kitchen. I could tell there was something she wanted to say though; she'd glance at me and open her mouth but quickly dismissed the idea every time. Maybe she knew about Black coming at Seth?

"Evie, sweetheart?" She asked a few minutes later, sounding tentative.

I looked at her with a reassuring smile. "Mmhm?"

She rang the cloth in her hands nervously before abandoning it on the bench top and beckoning me into the living room. She sat down on the old green lounge chair and patted the space next to her. I sat and waited patiently. Whatever she had to tell me was obviously difficult; Sue was normally very open with me.

"What is it, Aunty Sue?" I asked softly, using what I thought was her appropriate title.

She smiled sadly and grabbed both my hands in hers. "Are you alright, Eva? Be honest."

I blinked in surprise. "Yes, I'm alright."

"Now don't get angry…oh, this is more difficult then I thought…" She mused to herself.

I chuckled and squeezed her hands. "I won't be angry, what is it?"

"Leah…told me, about your, accident, seven months ago." She said carefully, trying to choose the best words.

My breath hitched in my throat and my stomach seemed to constrict. "W-what?" 'She knew? How many of the others knew to?' "Does…does Seth…?" 'Oh. My. Dear. God. No.'

"She was worried and I pried it out of her," Sue explained quickly. "Your secret is safe with us, Evie, I promise. No one else knows, I swear."

"You know?" I asked dumbly. "I mean, you know, like…everything?"

"Not everything, I'd say, but I know enough to understand." She smiled and squeezed my hands reassuringly. "You're doing a wonderful thing, Evie."

"Am I?" I whispered, feeling the tears welling up. Could I be anymore pathetic? "It's my fault he's…how can it…" I choked on the rest of the sentence.

"Oh sweetheart, shh," Sue grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to her tightly. "Shh, it's alright. You are doing a wondrous thing, I know you are."

I couldn't help it, I cried. Sue held me close and rocked me back and forth, whispering soothing words that eventually reduced me to silent tears. It had been so long since I'd been like this, been in the arms of someone who knew just what to say, in whose eyes I could do no wrong, loved and cherished and safe and forgiven.

"Now you listen to me, Eva Hanson, what happened that day was not your fault, understand?" She held me back and wiped the tears away with her thumbs while staring me in the eye. "There was no way you could have known, no more tears now, my darling. Your brave and beautiful and smart, what you do takes so much strength and such character…I will not stand you degrading yourself over this accident."

"But…" I hiccuped, the tears making my vision blurry. "I killed my baby, Sue. My beautiful baby boy, and I never even got to see him, hold him. I never should have been in the operation in the first place, I knew I was pregnant! I should've…What kind of person…"

"Oh shut up, Evie! It was a simple mission wasn't it? You were only there as a last resort! It was a no brainer!" I looked up at Leah as she stood in the doorway, her hair wet from her shower. She crossed the room in milliseconds and knelt in front of us. Oh how I felt like a child now.

"You weren't near the action, and there wasn't supposed to be any action. What did you say it was? An information drop between two countries? Two civilised, peaceful countries, that don't have a bone to pick with each other, wasn't it?" She looked cross with me, though it faded as she took in my face.

"It didn't work like that though, did it?" I said, sniffing. I placed a hand over the shrapnel scars on my abdomen, the shrapnel that took the life of my unborn son.

Leah shook her head sadly and sat next to me, putting me in between her and Sue. "No, it didn't. But that was not your fault. Who left his post, who blew that warehouse to kingdom come? Whose fault was it that you lost your baby, whose fault was it that you were infirmary-ridden for five weeks?"

"His." I whispered. Why did it have to be so damn hard?

Leah grabbed my chin and made me look her in the eye. "Whose fault was it, Eva?"

"Adam's," I bit my lip and shut my eyes tightly as more tears came. It had been seven months since I'd even spoken his name.

"Who?" Sue asked, not aware.

Leah gave me a little shake, urging me to speak, to tell the truth, to say it. "Adam. Adam Taylor. He works for MI6; he was my co-partner for the drop. He betrayed us, and blew up the warehouse where we were. Metal from the explosion imbedded in my abdomen and killed my baby. I don't know why he did it." My voice was hoarse, thick with tears and pain and guilt.

Leah nudged my side and looked at me pointedly, so I said the last part though clenched teeth, barely above a whisper. "Adam was…my son's father, and my fiancé." More tears slipped down my cheeks. The truth was hard, and unbelievably painful. No wonder I didn't speak it often.

"He killed his own son, and nearly killed his fiancée." Leah finalised. "It's time you stop blaming yourself, and if you're insistent on blaming someone, blame the barsted responsible. You're destroying yourself, Evie, and I won't watch it anymore."

I leant into Sue and she wrapped her arm around me, Leah sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. "Oh my babies," Sue sighed and kissed the top of my head. She reached across and held Leah's hand, drawing us both into a hug that I'd desperately needed. "What were you going to name him?" She asked after a few comfortable minutes while I tried to regained control of my emotions.

"Oliver Robert Taylor." I said, smiling as the name rolled off my tongue, even though it would never be used now. "After my father and Adam's, and if he were to be a girl it would have been Rosa Susan Taylor, after Adam's mother and you. I found out he was a boy four days before…"

"They are beautiful names, sweetie." She said. "I'm honoured."

"Personally, if I ever see that arsehole, I'll kill him." Leah muttered. "That was my godson."

I hummed and sighed, utterly defeated, I had no more fight left in me for this. Which was very strange for me. "It's over, there was too much damage. They told me it was very unlikely I'd ever have children now." That news, especially at the time, was like rubbing salt into the wound. I loved kids, I was looking forward to my own so badly...but it was never to happen now.

My comment threw us into more silence and I'm not sure how long we sat there, but my tears had ceased and my cheeks had dried. All too soon Leah started shifting and broke me out of my peace. "Its five to ten, don't you have to be shown around at ten?"

I groaned. "Did you have to remind me? I just stopped crying…can't we just skip?"

"You know how Sam is." Leah said with a sigh and sat up.

I rolled my head on Sue's shoulder and looked up into her loving weathered face pleadingly. "Can you call and tell him I'm sick? And it's serious? And really contagious?"

She chuckled and brushed my hair out of my face. "You're a tough girl, Evie. I'm sure you'll survive Jake. He is a good kid, Billy raised him well."

"If you like mentals," Leah muttered, Sue shot her a look. "Fine, fine, yes Jacob's good kid…happy?"

"Thrilled," I mumbled dryly. "Alright then, might as well get this over and done with. I'm due for morphine anyways. Thank you, Aunty Sue, for everything."

She smiled and kissed my forehead. "You know you are welcome here always, my girl. I'd like to see you more often."

I smiled to, and stood though bent down to kiss her cheek. "Now that you know, about me, I'll make it a more often thing. You and Leah and Seth are welcome to come to my place in New York anytime you like. I'll pay your way. I want you to meet my godson to."

"I'm sure we can manage that." Sue laughed. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Leah mouth 'thank you' to the ceiling and grin. "Now off you go, you're already late as it is."

I saluted her and let Leah lead me out the door and back towards Sam's. I couldn't deny that talking about Oliver and Adam was hard, very hard. But I felt better after it, almost. For those few blissful moments I was a little girl again, able to cry and be hugged and made feel better, to be a daughter and a little sister again.

To be the one who depended on someone else.

The walk back to Sam's was drawn out as much as possible, I'm not sure if Leah knew this or if she was to busy planning her New York trip to really notice. I was half wrapped in her planning and half in my own world. It was a comfortable mix, kind of. I wasn't crying, I could feel some still there to be shed but I'd more then exceeded my crying quota for the month. The nightmares about Oliver and Adam…that day…

"What's with the face?" Leah asked amusedly, poking my cheek.

I battered her hand away and mock glared at her. "Nothing, just thinking,"

"Are you okay?"

I thought about it. No, not really, but I might've been getting there. "I will be, I hope, in time. I need a drink though." Preferably on the rocks and something with a bit of kick about it.

She smiled and tucked her arm through mine with a chuckle. "You need a drink…good luck. I know you will be though, you're strong…and stubborn, you will get though this." She sounded so serious, I almost believed her. "So when can I come to your place?"

I giggled at her enthusiasm. I'd invited her before but then I'd undoubtedly be called away and she would've been there by herself. But now, with Sue knowing, they could use my flat whenever and no suspicions would be raised or secrets uncovered that hadn't already been uncovered. I'm sure we could think of something to tell Seth. "Whenever you'd like," I replied with a smile. "There'll always be something we can do, if I'm there."

She grinned. "I know,"

"You should come live with me." I said suddenly just as Sam's came into view.

She gave me a sideways glance. "Live with you? Why, Evie, I had no idea you felt that way!"

I elbowed her sharply. "I'm serious! What are you going to do here? Don't you want to go to college? What better way, there's free board at my place and there's an endless supply of schools…you could do anything, Leah."

"I don't know…."

"Think about it. Know that the offer will always be open." I smiled as she squeezed my hand in thanks and led the way up the veranda and into the house. My Ferrari was still sitting out the front, waiting patiently to be washed. I'd have to see the manservant about that later.

I honestly don't know if I'll be alright. I smile, I laugh, I seem fine to others who don't know me. But I'm trained to lie, trained to make different from what it really is, trained to hide the truth. Sometimes I wonder if I'll loose the knowledge of what is fact and what is fiction.

I blame Adam, I blame myself, and I blame our organisations. I tell myself that I hate him, and at least eighty percent of me does. With a burning passion so hot I've considered hunting him down and killing him. Then, a little part of me remembers the Adam I loved. The man that made me smile and laugh and feel safe and loved, and it was all real and true. Sometimes, I wonder if I still loved him, even just a little.

Only time would tell, though. Time was cruel, it waited for no one. And if you tried to move against it, it killed you. Time may heal wounds but my time kept opening new ones, attention between the wounds was divided and healing was slowed. And every time I heard a baby cry, or a child laugh. Or saw the smile on a mothers face as she held her child. Or when I saw happy couples, that wound in my soul pulled.

And unable to rest...I don't know if it will ever heal.

A/N: And there you have it. 'That day' explained, so that half accounts for her attitude and what not. I think I've been a bit cruel to her, to be honest, lol. So this chapter was more sappy and for information purposes then anything else, next, Jake's tour :P.

Now, I was up at 4:30 am yesterday morning, 6am this morning, it'll be 5:00am tomorrow morning, and 5:30 the morning after that. And today and yesterday I've been doing cattle work, tomorrow will be a full day in town (which always seems to drain me) then I'll have another day of cattle work after that! Zombie land, here I come, haha. What I'm getting at is I may be a little longer in replying to reviews and such, since I'll be pretty stuffed lol.

Thank you very much for reading, I hope you liked it! I'm getting lots of hits so, fingers crossed I'll get lots of reviews to!

Please review!

~Meg xx