Disclaimer: all familiar material belongs to either Roald Dahl, author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Warner Bros. for the film adaptations of the book, and Eoin Colfer, author of the Artemis Fowl series.

A.N. Muchos gracias again to Harry Artemis Jackson for the reviewal! more people should, since a range of critiques helps broaden a writer's perspective. Keep reading, and reviewing!

The Boat Ride

While he was speaking, a fantastic pink boat cruised into view along the chocolate river, and Mr. Wonka indicated it with a proud sweep of the arm. "This is my private yacht! I made herby hollowing out an enormous boiled sweet! Isn't she beautiful? See how she comes cutting through the river!"

The gleaming pink boiled-sweet boat glided up to the riverbank. One hundred Oompa-loompas, give or take, rested on their oars and stared up at the visitors. Then suddenly, for some reason best known to themselves, they all burst out into shrieks of laughter.

"What's so funny?" asked Violet Beauregarde.

"Oh, don't worry about them," Mr. Wonka said quickly. "They're always laughing. Like I said before, everything is a joke to them! Now, get into the boat, all of you!"

The party lined up to get aboard the fantastic boat, and once again Veruca shoved to the front, her father making excuses for her. "Ladies first, and that means Veruca."

Artemis snorted. "If she's a lady, then I'm a hornswoggler." He and Butler got in last, and on account of the manservant's larger frame, they sat in the back where there was the most room. Mr. Wonka sat next to Artemis, smiling enigmatically at the boy before motioning to the Oompa-loompas. "Onward!"

One Loompa at the prow beat upon a drum, keeping a rhythm for the rowers to row with. The boat moved smoothly through the chocolate, and Artemis found his mind wandering. He thought of Mr. Wonka, of his candymaking genius and how wonderful it would be to speak with him on a one-to-one basis. Someone who could understand what it felt like to be undervalued and underestimated. The world outside took Mr. Wonka and his magical candy for granted; if they could see everything that Artemis was seeing right now, they might realise just how amazing the candymaker was. He was startled from his thoughts by a nudge, and he looked over to see Mr. Wonka offering him a mug of melted chocolate that had come from the river. Artemis reached for it automatically, then respectfully declined. "Didn't Augustus Gloop just contaminate the whole river?"

Mr. Wonka remembered suddenly, and he opened his mouth to say something, possibly a curse, but he restrained himself. "I'm sorry," he said to Artemis. "I forgot. But you can have these instead." He reached into his coat and handed the boy a small packet of hard candy.

"What are these?"

"Rainbow drops. If you suck on them, you can spit in seven different colors."

"Spitting is a dirty habit," Violet Beauregarde said a few rows from the front. She said this while chewing loudly, the sound of her lips smacking and flapping made Artemis cringe. "I know a worse one," he said. Mr. Wonka smiled faintly, though he started when Mike Teavee called from the front.

"Look! A tunnel!"

Mr. Wonka stood up. "Row on! Full speed ahead!"

The drummer beat faster, the rowers rowed faster, and the boat sped into the dark tunnel.

Artemis was not worried. Mr. Wonka would have done this before, and would so know what he was doing.

The other members of the group were not so confident.

"How can he know where we're going?" asked Violet Beauregarde.

"We can't!" Mr. Wonka said with a laugh. "There's no knowing where we're going!"

This was met with an incredulous cry from one of the fathers, but Mr. Wonka only smiled serenely until he had had his fun. "Switch on the lights!"

Overhead floodlights switched on, blinding everyone but the Oompa-loompas and Mr. Wonka, who had been through all this before. When their eyes adjusted, they could see that they were in a gigantic white pipe, and the great upward-curving walls of the pipe were pure white and spotlessly clean. The river of chocolate was flowing very fast inside the pipe, and the Oompa-loompas were rowing like mad, and the boat was rocketing along at a furious pace. Mr. Wonka, much to the bewilderment of the others, was jumping up and down in the back of the boat, calling to the rowers to go faster and faster still. He seemed to love the sensation of whizzing through a white tunnel in a pink boat on a chocolate river, and he clapped his hands and laughed and kept glancing at his passengers to see if they were enjoying it as much as he. Before long, they came upon a curious sight…there were doors, of varying shape and color, set into the walls of the tunnel just above the level of the river. Artemis managed a glimpse of the first door they passed, and the writing on the door: STOREROOM NUMBER 54, it read, ALL THE CREAMS—WHIPPED CREAM, DAIRY CREAM, VIOLET CREAM, COFFEE CREAM, PINEAPPLE CREAM, VANILLA CREAM, AND HAIR CREAM.

Apparently the others had noticed it too, for Mike Teavee gave a disgusted sound. "Hair cream?" he cried. "You don't use Hair Cream?"

"No time for silly questions!" Mr. Wonka shouted.

The boat streaked past another door, which happened to be open. The passengers of the boat were able to peer into the room as the vessel sped past, and they were appalled to see a dozen Oompa-loompas whipping a cow.

"That must be how you get your whipped cream," Artemis deduced.

Mr. Wonka beamed at him. "Precisely!"

"That doesn't make any sense," Veruca Salt said snidely.

Artemis was about to make a sharp retort, but Mr. Wonka beat him to it and abruptly called for a stop. The Oompa-loompa rowers all dug their paddles into the chocolate river, backing water furiously. The boat halted suddenly, nearly all the passengers falling out of their seats. This included Veruca, who would have also fallen into the river if her father hadn't caught hold of her. He looked angrily at Mr. Wonka, but the candymaker only smiled innocently. "Sorry for the sudden stop, but there's something I wanted to show you all." He pointed to a bright red door nearby, and the Oompa-loompas guided the boat over to that side of the river, bringing her alongside the door. Mr. Wonka took a key from his pocket and leaned over the side of the boat, and put the key in the keyhole. "This is the most important room in the entire factory!" he said proudly. "All my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here! All my competitors would give anything to get a peek in here, but that would defeat the purpose of having this room in the first place!" He paused, looking seriously at every child and every parent. "Now listen to me; I want no meddling about when you go in! No touching, no meddling, and no tasting! Is that agreed?"

"Yes, yes!" the children cried. "We won't touch a thing!"

Artemis, speaking along with the others, somehow doubted that everyone was telling the truth. He saw a particularly suspicious look pass between Mike Teavee and his father, and Veruca Salt and her father. He dismissed the thought almost instantly, though…Mr. Wonka was opening the door. He stepped out of the boat and into the room. The four children and their parents all scrambled after him.

What Happened in the Inventing Room

"Don't touch!" Mr. Wonka warned. "And don't knock anything over! These are all my latest and greatest ideas brewing and stewing away in here!"

And so there were. Numerous machines and gadgets of indeterminate use filled the room; there were clear vats and bubbling pots and glass beakers over Bunsen burners that had brightly colored stuff boiling and steaming away. The group of people meandered about the place as if it was a museum, and Mr. Wonka and his machines were the exhibits. The candymaker had become suddenly more excited than usual, and anyone could see that he loved this room best of all. He was hopping about among the saucepans and steaming vats like a child among Christmas presents, not knowing which one to open first. He lifted the lid from a huge pot and took a sniff, throwing some things in a moment after. Then he rushed over to a barrel that held a lot of sticky yellow stuff and had a taste, then he skipped across to one of the machines and turned half a dozen knobs this way and that, satisfied when the machine made a lot of whizzing and humming that none of the guests understood. Then he ran to another machine, a small shiny affair that kept going phut-phut-phut-phut-phut, and every time it went phut, a large green marble dropped out of it into a basket on the floor. At least it looked like a marble.

"Everlasting Gobstoppers!" cried Mr. Wonka. "These are completely new! They're for children who have very little pocket money. You can suck on them all year, and they'll never get any smaller!"

"It's like gum," said Violet Beauregarde, smacking loudly on her own piece.

Mr. Wonka frowned slightly. "No. Gum is for chewing. And if you chewed on one of these, you would shatter your little teeth like spillkins! But they do taste terrific, provided you eat it right!" He turned toward another machine, though Artemis looked back thoughtfully at the Everlasting Gobstopper machine. Butler gave him a knowing look. "We should follow the others, sir."

Artemis appeared to snap out of his reverie, a smile touching his lips. "Of course, Uncle. We don't want to fall behind."

"…and a mustache," Mr. Wonka was saying, "and a beard!"

"Who wants a beard?" Mike Teavee said.

"One would suit you very well," Mr. Wonka said, much to the amusement of the others. Mike did not find it funny, and he turned away sulkily.

"I've got it far too strong though, Mr. Wonka sighed. It works too well to be practical…an Oompa-loompa tried some last week, and well…" he looked down, and everyone else looked down, to see a mass of walking hair standing among them. It was an Oompa-loompa, perhaps, but the hair had grown so long that his whole body was hidden from view. If you looked close enough, though, you could just barely see little toes poking out from the bottom of the veil of hair.

"I'll get it right eventually," Mr. Wonka said, dismissing the Oompa-loompa with a wave. "Now, if you'll come along, I'll show you something I am terrifically proud of."

Mr. Wonka led the party over to a gigantic machine that stood in the very center of the Inventing Room. It was a mountain of gleaming metal that towered above everyone, composed of gleaming glass and glistening metal and blinking indicator lights. Mr. Wonka appeared to inspect a few of the dials turning a few of them this way and that before turning to the others. "Ready for this?"

Mr. Salt straightened his tie. "Actually, Mr. Wonka…"

"Alrighty then! Here we go!" Mr. Wonka pressed three different buttons on the side of the machine, and a mighty rumbling noise came out of it. Everyone backed a few paces away as the strange contraption made strange hissing and buzzing noises, the blinking lights flashing a multitude of colors. A moment later the noises ceased. A tiny drawer popped out of the side of the machine, and in the drawer there lay something so small and thin and grey that everyone thought it must be a mistake. The thing looked very much like a little strip of grey cardboard. Mr. Wonka took it out and held it up for everyone to see.

"You mean that's it?" Mike Teavee said incredulously.

"Do you even know what 'it' is?" said Mr. Wonka.

Violet Beauregarde gave a cry of recognition. "By gum, it's gum!"

"Right you are!" Mr. Wonka cried, his excitement palpable. "And not just any gum…it's a stick of the most amazing and fantastic gum in the whole world! This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner all in itself!"

Artemis was amazed. Of course, everything he had seen thus far in the factory was amazing, even to his genius mind. But to fit a whole meal in a piece of gum was absurd! It must take a battery of chemical processes to synthesize just one piece, let alone enough to supply the whole world. But Mr. Wonka seemed to think it was possible, and the candymaker enthusiastically explained the ramifications of his gum-meal research. Meanwhile, Artemis noticed the way Violet Beauregarde was eyeing the piece of gum in Mr. Wonka's hand. He stepped over so that he was standing just behind her, pretending to listen to what Mr. Wonka was saying. He spoke out of the corner of his mouth, his voice a low whisper. "I hear you broke the world record for chewing gum," he said casually. But the real fame is being the first one to do something."

She flashed him an annoyed look. "What are you talking about?"

"Anyone can break a record," Artemis said coolly, "but you can't expect to get famous for doing something that anyone can, like chewing gum for a long time. That is actually somewhat disgusting."
"It is not!" she hissed.

Artemis ignored her. "Now, if you were to be the first to chew, say an experimental kind of gum, then you might go down in the history books on the same level as Neil Armstrong or John Glenn. They were the first to do something, thus they became great." He shrugged. "I'm sure you'll get your chance eventually."

She shot him a glare, but her eyes invariably went from him to the little strip of gum in Mr. Wonka's hand. "I'll show you," she muttered, moving past Artemis to get near Mr. Wonka. He paused in midsentence, giving her a quizzical look.

"Come on, Mr. Wonka, hand over this 'magic' gum of yours and we'll see if the thing works."

"Now Violet," said Mrs. Beauregarde, her mother, "don't do anything stupid."

Violet only shot her a glare. "I'm a world champion gum chewer! I'm not afraid of anything!"

"I'd rather you didn't," Mr. Wonka said gently. "There are still a few things that I have to fix…"

But Violet snatched the gum from Mr. Wonka's hand, removed her other piece of gum, and set to work chewing the new piece all in one swift movement. Mr. Wonka was too shocked to reprimand her, and his face paled as he watched her chewing away at the gum.

"Fabulous!" Violet shouted. "It's tomato soup! It's hot and creamy, and I can feel it running down my throat!"

"Stop!" cried Mr. Wonka. "Don't!"

But she didn't listen, and the parents were too curious to stop her. Artemis looked on, fighting a smile. Butler placed a hand on his shoulder. "Someone should do something before she turns out like that fat kid. Shall I stop her?"

"She wanted the gum," Artemis replied. "It's a free country. Let get what is coming to her."

Butler opened his mouth to say more, but did not get the chance. There was a shriek…from Mrs. Beauregarde, though Mr. Teavee looked shocked enough to have screamed himself…and Artemis and Butler looked up together to witness a stunning transformation. Violet Beauregarde was turning a brilliant shade of purple—her hands, her face, even her hair were changing color, but that was not all. Gradually, she was expanding.

"I feel sick," Violet said.

"You're swelling up! Mrs. Beauregarde shrieked. "You're blowing up like a balloon!"

"Like a blueberry," Mr. Wonka said sadly. "It always goes wrong with the desserts. Always. I've tried it twenty different times on twenty different Oompa-loompas, but they always end up as blueberries. Maybe I would be better off substituting the blueberry pie with blackberry, but…"
"I don't want a blueberry for a daughter!" Mrs. Beauregarde wailed. "You put her back this instant!"

Mr. Wonka snapped out of his reverie. "Of course, madam, of course!" he clicked his fingers, and ten Oompa-loompas appeared immediately at his side. "Roll Miss Beauregarde to the Juicing room at once!"

"The Juicing Room?" cried Mrs. Beauregarde. "What will they do to her there?"

"Squeeze her," said Mr. Wonka. "They've got to squeeze the juice from her immediately, or else she'll explode…"

"Explode?"

"Not to worry, though. It's a quick and relatively painless process from what I've heard. We'll get her repaired if it's the last thing we do. I am sorry about it all, I really am…"

The Oompa-loompas rolled Violet out of the room, a disconsolate Mrs. Beauregarde following closely behind. A number of Oompa-loompas left their stations to perform a catchy song number, and Mr. Wonka danced a little jig to the astonishment of his guests. When it was over, he motioned toward another corridor. "Let's boogie!"