Fight Like A Girl
Nicole sat at the incubator with tears running down her face. The grief of knowing her child probably wouldn't live was made worse once she met the child. She couldn't breathe. It was all compassing, took over her whole being. Nothing else mattered, nothing but this sick little girl, her little girl.
As a child Nicole had known real pain. She never thought she would feel anything that bad again—but here it was, as bad and twenty times worse. But this precious time was all she had to spend with this child. The doctors practically guaranteed this baby would die. There would never be a good time to be with her. This was it. Nicole didn't want to be there, but she didn't want to miss any of the minutes of her child's brief time on this earth.
Yes, it seemed hopeless, but a seventeen percent chance is not zero. It was conceivable that the baby would survive. Perhaps it was that hope that made the sitting tolerable.
xxxxx
Antonio spent more time in the chapel than in the nicu. Prayer gave him some relief. It was something he could do to help his daughter. Sitting by the baby's incubator he felt powerless. In the chapel he felt peace, hopeful. So he knelt, for hours, in silent prayer.
Please, Lord, please make her better. Please don't let her die. Let us watch her grow. Why is this happening? Why my family? Why did my son get abused? Why did Joe and Nathan and Madison get abused? Why is my daughter so hurt? They are just innocent children….It never ends. First they lose Teresa. Then they get two teachers from hell and both of them abuse these kids…Molest them. Terrify them. Take away their hope, their sense of self. Why? And why didn't you tell us this was happening? Why did it have to go on for so long?
xxxxx
Nicole's thoughts became fired up cheers of encouragement towards the baby.
Don't die. I know this is hard, the fight of your life. Nothing will ever be this hard. If you come out of this, it will be all downhill from here. Even when life gets hard, it won't be this hard. This is it, girl. This is as bad as it will ever be. You have to fight.
And I know something about fighting. Seems like I had to fight like hell for everything I ever got. But I did get it, eventually. Everything was perfect..and now nothing could make it worse. But I'm not giving up. And I'm not going to let you give up either. I don't know why this is happening, but it is and it just has to be dealt with. You and Zachary—and Madison, Joe, and Toby—just have to make it through this, just like I did. Just like I have to again. We all have to.
xxxxx
Lord, I know why this happened. I know man has free will; they do evil. It's not how you would have it, but it is the way it is. You didn't make this happen, but you can fix it. All things work out for good for those who love and trust you. Isn't that what you said? Okay, make this work out. Let the kids heal. Let this baby beat the odds and come out of this.
And give my wife strength. The hell that Nicole is going through is... She has had such a hard life, but then we got married and we had Zachary. Things got better. Please don't take that away.
xxxxx
Antonio always wanted four kids. But if you make it out of here, he will never need another thing again. This is all he'll ever want—for you and Zachary and Heather to be healthy.
I never thought I'd be able to give him any children. When we got Heather, it was a miracle. Then we had your brother, another miracle. Now we have you.
xxxxx
Jess sat on the bed, ready to lie down and go to sleep. It was only eleven o'clock in the morning, but none of the kids had slept well the night before and were now napping. Jess was utterly exhausted.
Nathan walked in.
"Hi."
"Hey. What are doing home so early?"
"I couldn't think. I was useless there. Why is it so quiet?"
"They're all sleeping."
"I actually came home to talk to you."
He sat down, but got right back up. Jess read his discomfort. She stood patiently waiting for him to talk.
"I was thinking," he said, "about Nicole and Antonio's baby. It's just horrible."
"I know. When Joe was born, I wasn't attached. By the time I came around he was getting better. And he wasn't anywhere near as sick as their baby. I can't imagine what they're going through."
"Especially with everything else that's happen. One disaster right after the other. I feel like we're living in a soap opera. If I had my way, I would just drink this all away, but I know I will lose my family if I do that. I need your help, Jess."
"I'm trying. I have been trying, but I don't know what to say."
"I know what I feel is wrong, at least partly. But I just can't stop. I can't look at her, Jess. She's my daughter, my child and I can't look at her." He was getting choked up.
"You expect her to have handled this better."
"Yes!" He felt relief to hear it said. She did understand. "She shouldn't have let him do that. She should have told us."
"I talked to Monica about this a lot. I asked the same questions. What she said made me think about this boy I knew in high school. He was bullied a lot. I never really talked to him, but I always wondered why he stayed at that school. One day, we were alone and I asked him. He said that he would have to tell his parents if he wanted to change schools. When I asked why he didn't tell them, he said, 'because I don't want them to know what a loser I am. I don't want them to know there's something wrong with me'. Those words have been ringing in my ear since this whole thing came to light. I didn't get it then, but I do now. Can you see it?"
"You think they didn't tell us because they thought we would think they were as bad as Deborah told them they were?"
"That's exactly what I think. Monica said that children who are molested feel like there is something bad, dirty about them. Why would Madison want us to know about that side of her?"
"And the boys? I know they weren't molested, so why didn't they tell us what Deborah was doing to them?"
Nathan was making progress and Jess wasn't about to destroy it by stomping over his denial. "Monica said the other kids are telling her a lot about what Deborah did. Those children were all physically and mentally abused by Deborah Hall. She bound and gagged them. She locked them in the supply closet. She threatened to kill them. She pulled their hair. She slapped them. She told them horror stories and then told them that the same things were going to happen to them….She killed a child right in front of them. They were scared to death twenty-four hours a day, every day for months."
"That's what really pisses me off. By believing the threats she made, they trusted her more than they trusted us."
"My parents loved you. You were like a son to them, but you never told them what your mom and dad did to you."
"Of course not. What would they have done?"
"Called social services."
"I was a kid. I didn't know that option existed."
"What would we have done if the kids had told us?"
"Stop bringing them there."
"Our kids didn't know that option existed."
Finally, finally Jess saw the revelation in her husband's eyes.
"Don't you get it, Nathan? Imagine their fear. If they told us, they figured we would tell Deborah to stop what she was doing, Deborah would have charmed us into thinking she would stop, and we would have left them there again. And what do you think they thought would happen then? Once we were gone Deborah would have killed them."
"You think three-, four- and five-year-olds think things through like that?"
"I know that whatever they thought, whether it was along those lines or not, led them to the same conclusion—telling is not an option."
He understood. "What do I do, Jess? I don't know what to do."
"Just love them. I know you never stopped loving them, but you did stop showing it. Let them see it again."
xxxxx
The sun came up. It had been over twenty-four hours since the baby still known on her ankle bracelet as 'baby girl Scott-Cortez' was born. Still fighting, still sick, but still alive.
"You did it," Nicole said. "Only six more days."
The doctors had told her that if the baby lasted for a week, her chances increased to thirty-eight percent.
Antonio returned from the chapel.
After he sat for a while he broached the subject of when they were going to call their families.
"We might not have much more time," he said regretfully. Determined not to cry again, he recovered and went on. "The family should see her."
"I think we shouldn't call them. They are all flying in for the holidays in just a few weeks. They can see her then."
"But what if-"
"I just want it to be us. I know she might not last until November. I know she might not even be here tomorrow. And if that's true, I especially want to spend this time with her, just us. Maybe that's selfish, but-"
"Not at all. You're her mother. If this is what you need, this is what we'll do."
xxxxx
Day three of her life. She was still hanging on. And so were her parents, who sat in silence, watching, willing her to live.
Since her daughter's birth, Nicole could think of nothing, but her survival. She did notice that the baby looked nothing like her or Antonio. She just didn't care. It was not even on her list of interests. By day three the curiosity had gotten the better of her and she wanted to know how she and her husband had made a baby with light brown hair and a fair complexion.
"Antonio? How does a Cuban man and a black woman make a white baby?"
He laughed. He'd been waiting for her to bring that up. Despite the fact that he was still in much grief, he laughed. Perhaps it was only a release, a better way to let out his pain than crying, but still it felt so good to have something to laugh about.
"Cuba is very diverse," he explained. "Some look Hispanic, some look black, some look white. My grandmother looked more European than Cuban. I can't get over how much she looks like her….Man, it's been so long since she died. Now I have someone to remind me of her everyday…" he trailed off.
Nicole knew what he was thinking—what if he won't have her every day?
"She's going to make it, Antonio. She is strong. I can tell."
"Her name was Rosa. I was thinking we could give the baby that as a middle name."
"I was thinking about names this morning. If she survives, she could be permanently disabled. She's gonna need to be strong, to believe that whatever obstacles come she can overcome them. She's gonna need to have faith. And so are we…What do you think about that name?"
"Faith? I think it's beautiful, Nicole."
"And I figured we can hyphenate our last names into one. Faith Rosa Scott-Cortez."
"Sounds perfect."
xxxxx
"Have you made the arrangements for the kids in the daycare case to be seen by Tori?" D.A. Julia Reilly asked A.D.A. Lance Murphy.
Victoria "Tori" Lewis was a local child psychologist, who worked occasionally with the county prosecutor's office when they needed help with child witnesses. The prosecutor hoped Doctor Lewis could help Monica lessen the children's fears about disclosure and advise the D.A.'s office how best to handle these victims and their families.
"I'm working on that now," Lance replied. "After she sees them Monica is going to call all the children back in for a final interview, then we can decide on the charges and set a date for the grand jury."
"That will take too long. Some of these kids—Kelsey Smith and Chloe Pierson for example—don't need any coaxing to talk. Have Tori talk only to the kids who aren't making allegations. Let Monica go ahead and do the final interview with the rest of them today."
"Done. And we got all the medical reports from the kids' pediatricians. No physical signs of assault on any of the children, not even Kelsey Smith."
"What?" Julia practically snatced the medical report from Lance's hand. "How is that possible? How could he have raped her and not broken the hymen?"
Lance only shrugged.
xxxxx
Monica recalled most of the children for yet another interview. This time she was looking for, what she called, "concrete events"—something that happened around the time of the abuse, so she would know when all the children were talking about the same day or the same assault. Maybe they would all recount abuse that happened the only time Roger ever…. Or the first time…. Or the last time… Anything that would let her know she was receiving corroboration of a single event.
In what would be four of the counts against Roger, the concrete event settled on Madison: the very first time Roger brought her to the bathroom he had also taken Alexandra Davis, Kelsey Smith, and Chloe Pierson. During that time all four girls were abused. The information for this indictment was especially good news for the D.A. because she had something to help her case—a date. May 16th, according to Madison's mother, was the first day she went to daycare without diapers. Neither Monica nor the D.A. had any dates for any of the other charges. This, they knew, might be the strongest part of their case.
Roger also had an M.O. that involved five of the girls in his class and Brendan Frasier. Julia hoped the children would testify on this one count of these six victims.
Then Monica started asking questions, looking for isolated incidents, (If something only happened once, the D.A. wouldn't have to worry about cooroboation about a single incident.) and through these questions she found out from Alexandra Davis that on one occasion Roger took Alexandra and Zachary to the bathroom together and abused them. The D.A. planned on adding these two counts of assault to the indictment.
Kelsey Smith was the only child alleging rape and no one witnessed it. These two counts would be listed, but with no dates, no medical evidence, no witnesses—and the child had recanted—these two assaults were the ones with the least chance of getting a conviction.
Monica used the final interview as a time to teach the children the correct names of their body parts. The D.A. had warned her that she had seen too many cases of confused juries, who were unable to tell for certain that a child was talking about his or her genitals because of the words the child used. So Monica brought the parents in during the last part of the interview and explained this to them. They were encouraged, at least until after the trial, to use the proper words and to encourage their children to do so as well.
xxxxx
Nicole was still by Antonio in the N.I.C.U., but she had drifted off, back to thinking about her son and Joe, Madison, and Toby. About how she—they all, really—could have missed it. In hind sight, it's so painfully obvious.
Antonio slipped his hand into the incubator and gently rubbed Faith's hand with his finger. "C'mon, little one, you have to get big and strong so you can meet everybody. Heather's going to be so glad you're a girl. You have a big sister, did you know that? And a brother too. They can't wait to meet you."
"Oh, God," Nicole looked shocked. Antonio looked at her and back to the baby, trying to figure out what made his wife go pale, but before he could ask she was gone.
"Nicole," he called out to no avail.
xxxxx
Jess—and it was by no means an easy accomplishment—talked Nathan into staying home with the kids, so she could go to the hospital and check on Nicole, Antonio, and the baby.
After washing her hands and putting on scrubs, Jess quietly walked into the N.I.C.U.
"Hi."
"Hi. How's she doing?"
"Still hanging in there. How are the kids doing?"
"As well as can be expected. Zachary is still sleeping in your bed every night….where is Nicole?"
"She just took off. Can you stay here with the baby while I go find her?"
"Sure."
xxxxx
Antonio found Nicole outside, near the front steps of the hospital.
"What? What got to you back there?"
"I was thinking…I can't believe I'd forgotten about this…"
"Forgot what? Nicole, what are you talking about?"
"Heather. We left her with the Halls when she was visiting in July, remember?"
He had forgotten. "Oh, yeah. But it was only a day."
"It was over eight hours, Antonio. You think any seven-year-old goes eight hours without going to the bathroom? My God," her voice cracked.
"Sit down. You shouldn't be standing. Listen, she was there once. Besides, you think Roger is going to want to be seen coming out of the bathroom with a seven-year-old? Two-, three-, and four-year-olds maybe, but a second grader? How would he explain that?"
Nicole heard almost none of that. "She was asking to visit for months and after one day with the Halls she wanted to go home. Then she was all right with staying as soon as I told her she could go to Mrs. Pierson's room. I am so dense!"
"Nicole-"
"I watched those kids, every day, cry and scream at being sent there. I dragged Nathan kicking and yelling. I watched that blank look come over all their faces. That should have been enough! But then Heather…that morning that I said she could go to the After-school Room, she reminded me and Jess a hundred times. I never gave it a second thought."
"I never gave it a second thought either. None of us did. And as for Heather, don't jump to conclusions. She's had no problems, there are no signs. Roger wouldn't risk it. The circumstances were too dangerous."
xxxxx
Antonio and Nicole eventually made it back up to their daughter. After complimenting them on their adorable baby, Jess got into her reason for coming.
"Monica Caufield stopped by the house today. She wanted to talk to the kids again, but she knew after the show Nathan put on at CSD that there was no way they would talk to her again there, so she came to them. I didn't let her see them. I don't see the point. They're not going to be involved in the trial. But she did offer the services of a child psychologist to talk to Joe and Zachary. Apparently the D.A. still thinks she can get information out of them. I told her the therapist could see Joe. I figure at least she might ease his fears. But I made it clear he wasn't testifying. Anyway, here is her number, if you want her to see Zachary."
"Thanks, but I already got it. I told Monica before I went into labor that Antonio and I want Zachary to testify to the grand jury, if he can."
"You guys decided to put him on the stand?"
"Yeah. We just think it would be the best thing to do and that Zachary can handle it."
xxxxx
A few hours later, Jess was gone and the N.I.C.U. was almost empty. Nicole brought up Heather again, for the fifth time.
"Nicole, stop," he whispered. "She was there once. We have enough to think about with Zachary and this baby. It was one time. Nothing happened."
"How can you know?"
He couldn't answer that one.
xxxxx
Two days later Jess brought Zachary and Joe to see Tori Lewis. Everyone thought both boys would be more comfortable with the other in the room. To prevent an argument between herself and her husband, Jess didn't tell Nathan about the appointment.
Dr. Lewis was making headway with Zachary, but none at all with Joe. Joe was certain that his friend was now doomed and he wasn't about to put himself on his former teacher's hit list. He was not talking.
Maybe, Joe thought, I might say it accidently.
That thought was too terrifying to think any further. He had never considered that he might inadvertently say anything. But now that the possibility crossed his mind, he had to take action to make sure it never happened.
Being the seemingly least troubled in the Massey/Cortez household, Joe was also the most overlooked. Being the best behaved child, he was somewhat neglected and nobody had seen the slow dissolve that was taking place. Elective Mutism doesn't occur overnight or with a single decision. It had been building. All he wanted was to retreat into himself. Maybe if he couldn't talk, everyone would stop asking him to recount the worst experiences of his life. Why did they want him to talk? Didn't they know how much danger he would be in if he did? Didn't they care? Those thoughts filled his head day and night…And then the thought of accidently telling was the last straw. From now on, he figured, he was not going to say anything at all, ever. There would be no more risks. No chance of accidently talking about Deborah. No chance of setting his father into a tail spin by talking about who Roger really is. And best of all, no more questions!
xxxxx
Later that week, the District Attorney's office and the Child Services Department scheduled a meeting for the parents of the Halls' former students. The meeting was to discuss the legal process and to inform the parents of the charges Roger was facing. The meeting would be held in the very room where the Preschool Room used to be located. The D.A. felt hearing the charges against Roger while sitting in the very room where their children were tormented would bring a sense of closure and vindication—and with any luck would inspire the parents who wanted nothing to do with the trial to change their minds and have their children testify for the grand jury. Nobody saw this as a low blow. After what happened in their state with the McMartin trial, they needed all the help they could get.