Hush little baby, don't say a word

And never mind that noise you heard

It's just the beasts under your bed

In your closet, in your head!

-Enter Sandman

Hush Little Baby

"Thanks for coming in, Jess. McGregor has the flu and time is a factor here. Were you able to find a sitter?"

"It's too soon for that. Antonio stayed home. I should be thanking you. I really needed to get out of the house. What do we have?"

"Tanya Spencer, forty. She never came home from her night job at a convenient store. She's been missing for three days. Now I know what you're thinking, why is this F.B.I.? The San Francisco cops had this until this morning."

"What happen this morning?"

"Tanya's mother and that woman over there, Violet Myles told the police they think Violet's son—Walter Myles—is responsible for Tanya's disappearance."

"Why would any mother point the finger at her own son?"

"I can't answer that one, but I can tell you why they think he did it. Twenty years ago Violet Myles and Blanche Spencer were neighbors and very good friends. Tanya, who was twenty at the time and still living at home, babysat Walter a handful of times. He was eight at the time. Walter told his mother that Tanya had been sexually abusing him. Needless to say, that put a strain on the families' relationship. The Spencers moved away. They had been renting out their home. Ron Spencer recently died and Blanche came back here to sign some papers to sell the house to the renters. And Tanya was with her. Terrible timing because Walter was also visiting his mother."

"And he saw Tanya. I'll go talk to Violet Myles"

xxxxx

"We got a new sitter and thought that was the end of it, but Walt could never let it go. He didn't talk about it, but he was never the same after," Violet Myles told Jess.

"And you didn't tell the police?" Jess inquired.

"No, of course not. Can you imagine how humiliating that would be for him? He was eight years old. What kind of cruelty would that be to make him tell his story over and over to strangers?"

Jess went on questioning her, until she realized she was using this case as a lab rat experiment to decide whether or not she should have her children testify.

xxxxx

Jess knew she could just forget about having a vision for this case. Her guard was up way too high. She had to rely on tried and true methods. And those methods led her to an abandoned warehouse where she found Tanya Spencer.

This was like no murder she had ever seen. The victim was unrecognizable. She had been stabbed, what looked like, hundreds of times all over her body. And her face had been beaten off. But perhaps the most chilling of the scene was the murderer—Walter Myles—sitting in a fetal position, covered in his victim's blood.

As she looked in his eyes she felt herself doing something unexpected—she lowered her gun and put it in the holster. She approached him slowly. "Walter?"

He seemed calm when he looked at her. Their stare without words couldn't have lasted more than thirty seconds, but it was all the time she needed to answer her questions. Sitting there, Walter did not look like the twenty-eight-year-old murderer that he was. He looked like the eight-year-old victim he once was. The office had buzzed about how the person who was the victim was now the perp, but now Jess wasn't so sure. Did Walter ever stop being the victim? Did he ever even grow up or had his development been stopped the minute he was violated? And, now, did the answers to those questions even matter?

xxxxx

The worst cases are the ones that never get resolved. Next on the list are the ones with a tragic ending. Normally, a case like the Spencer murder would have left Jess slightly depressed for the rest of the day, but instead she felt some relief. Relief from some of the anxiety and tension that had plagued her since she learned what her children and Zachary had suffered. There were so many unanswered questions.

But what she thought she knew was that by letting them forget and move on, she was helping them heal. Now, she knew that wasn't true. Maybe Nicole and Antonio had been right. Clearly letting him forget didn't work for Walter Myles. He never healed at all. Perhaps, if he had been able to avenge himself through the courts, it may have helped. Perhaps not. But Jess hoped it would help her children.

As she stepped into the elevator to go home, she called Monica. Yes, she told the social worker, her children would be participating in the trial.

xxxxx

Jess arrived at the library that evening for the parents' meeting. She took a moment to collect herself before entering her children's former classroom.

"Hi," Nicole said behind her.

"Hi. I didn't think you'd be here."

"Neither did I. I planned on staying at the hospital, but I had to come. Faith has Antonio. I need to be here for Zachary."

The room was packed. It seemed this meeting was not only attended by the victims' parents, but also grandparents and other relatives. The two of them found their seats and waited for it to begin.

At the head of the room were four people sitting in chairs near a podium—the D.A., the A.D.A., Monica, and Tori Lewis.

The D.A. checked her watch. It was time to begin. She stepped up to the podium. All the families sat down and the room became quiet.

"Good evening, everyone. I'm glad you could be here. I am the District Attorney, Julia Reilly. Behind me are Assistant District Attorney Lance Murphy, CSD social worker Monica Caufield, and child psychologist Victoria Lewis.

Tonight we hope to answer your questions and explain the charges Roger Hall is facing and your children's part in these proceedings. I imagine there are a lot of you who have questions for Doctor Lewis about how to care for your children, so I will let her speak first."

xxxxx

At home Nathan was trying—and failing—to get his kids in bed. Zachary, ever the passive child, went to his room without fanfare, but Madison, Joe, and Toby were running around and raising their father's blood pressure.

What they failed to realize was that they weren't dealing with the same Dad, who, up until he learned what the Halls had done, would tolerate this behavior and eventually give up, letting the kids sleep wherever and whenever they crashed. But that was the old Daddy.

"ALL RIGHT," he howled, gaining all the attention in the room. "That is it! Madison, go to bed, now! Joe, Nathan, get in your room!"

And quietly, all three of them went to their beds. Nathan followed Madison to her room.

He was doing his best to try to remember his wife's words and not to blame his daughter for her assaults, but it wasn't easy. The best he could do was put the covers over her, kiss her, and say goodnight. He left before his acting gave out on him and she saw his real feelings.

Down the hall, he tucked Toby in and pulled Joe down from his top bunk to sit on his brother's bed, so he could explain himself.

"I didn't like scaring you guys, but I want you to do things when I say so. Got it?"

"Yes," Toby replied.

Joe was quiet. Not even a nod to indicate compliance.

"Joe, did you hear what I said? From now on, I want you to listen to Daddy, okay?"

The little boy simply stared.

Of course, Nathan had no idea that his son had—only a few days ago—become phobic of communication and had vowed not to say a word. Then, without his consent, the sickness had taken over and Joe subconsciously decided not to use any form of communication—no nodding or shaking of the head, no pointing, no gestures at all. He had even stopped writing, a new skill that he had thoroughly enjoyed.

No, Nathan didn't know any of this. All he saw was a child who was ignoring his request with what seemed like passive defiance—failing to comply without saying "no" outright.

"Joe," Nathan's voiced raised, "Answer me now. Are you going to listen to Daddy?"

Nothing.

Nathan was a man, who knew when to quit. Just as he had run out of the house when Madison had told him she had been abused, he knew he had to fold before he lost his temper. He wasn't as gentle as he wished he could have been as he lifted Joe up and put him in his bed, and left the room.

He had learned his lesson, though. He wasn't going to leave the kids alone. He decided to pop open a beer and try to unwind in front of the television.

xxxxx

Jess was irritated—a bit enraged, really. Victoria Lewis was at the podium discussing child sexual abuse and all its symptoms.

"What the hell is the point of this now?" she whispered under her breath. Her children had already been molested. Perhaps if she had been told all she was being told now before, they wouldn't have been.

This, she thought, should be made into a Public Service Announcement and broadcasted across the country every day. What good does it do me now?

"…The list goes on." Victoria told the group. "But many times there are no symptoms at all. So bear in mind that just because your child shows no signs, doesn't mean he wasn't abused.

Now to address the parents who know their children were abused. The toughest thing you will have to go through in this whole experience is hearing from the mouths of your children the things they endured. But how you react to their disclosures is very important. I can't stress that enough. It is vital that you remain calm. Maintain a neutral façade. Always avoid questions like 'why didn't you tell me?' 'why didn't you tell him no?' This does considerable damage by making your child feel he is to blame for the abuse.

Still I know a lot of you are wondering why your children didn't tell you. The sad fact is most sexually abused children don't tell. Some are threatened. Others simply fear hurting you by telling you the awful things they have experienced. Many feel they will be blamed.

To a child, emotional survival is more important than safety. And their emotional survival is totally dependent on your love for them. If they lose that, they've lost everything. They may feel telling you what they have been involved in will put them at risk for losing your love and security."

Jess winced. That is exactly what had happened to her daughter. Upon disclosure to her father, Madison had been rejected and blamed.

"Make sure your children know what happened to them is not their fault. Remind them whenever you think they need it. And let them know they don't have to be afraid of threats. Sometimes the assailant will threaten to hurt you if they tell. Remind your children that it is your job to protect them. Tell them that nobody will hurt you. That nobody will hurt them. Let them know it's safe to tell you.

Parents may also try to minimize the abuse by saying 'at least he didn't rape her'. Or they will rationalize it away by saying 'that couldn't have happened'. The worst thing you can do is make your child feel they are to blame or that you don't believe them. No matter how improbably their accusations are, you must believe them. If you have much doubt, let a counselor talk to your child. This doctor can be the one to discover the validity of the child's statements. It is imperative that the child believes he can tell Mom and Dad anything and they will believe him.

An ideal way to handle any disclosure is to remain calm, listen without interrupting, tell your child they are not to blame, and end the conversation when the child is ready, not before or after."

xxxxx

A woman, who looked to be a grandmother, raised her hand.

"Yes, Ma'am?"

She was Christa Sumaya's grandmother. Even though the elderly Korean woman made it evident that English was not her first language, the room understood her question.

"Should the children need counseling?"

"Yes. Even if you don't believe your child was abused, you should seek a counselor's opinion. Sometimes children will not disclose as much to a parent as they would to a professional, for the very reasons we discussed earlier—to protect you from grief or to protect themselves from your judgment. Also a counselor has the proper training to help the child process what happened to him.

For those of you who do seek therapy for your children, it is important to remember to let your children know they can still talk to you any time. Parents sometimes feel it's best to teach their child to let the topic of abuse alone until they are in the counselor's office. This is a mistake. Any time your child needs to talk, he should feel comfortable broaching the subject with you."

xxxxx

Nathan turned the tv off and decided to go to bed early. He faintly heard Madison talking to herself in her room. As he got closer, he was able to hear what she was saying. Peering into the room unnoticed, he had a front row seat inside the mind of his troubled child.

She was, apparently, pretending to be Deborah Hall scolding a teddy bear that must have represented a child.

"Are you not listening to Miss Deborah? What did I say I was gonna do to you now? I'm gonna tie you up. This is what happens to bad girls! I told you."

Madison mimicked the "child's" cries.

"Shut up! I'm gonna give you something to cry about…Bang, bam, bam. Stop crying. Don't you dare tell anyone I hit you! You just hush your mouth. Do you know what I'll do if you tell anyone? I'll hide under your bed or in your closet until Mommy and Daddy fall asleep and I'll take you away, forever."

As Madison continued the drama of her wounded psyche, her older brother Joe listen from his room. It sent chills up his spine to remember being in that class and hearing those words.

Anyone who had seen him could have easily read the terror on his face as he turned his head and looked at his closet and then pulled the covers over his head. It wouldn't take a psychologist to know he was wondering if Deborah was in there, waiting.

But, he told himself, she wouldn't take me. I didn't tell. I don't talk anymore, so I can't tell.

xxxxx

When the doctor had finished, she asked the parents if they had any questions. One parent asked her how they could get back to their normal lives.

"Your lives will never be exactly the same. But they have to go on. The best way to make this happen is to continue with your normal schedules, activities, and, most importantly, rules. Parents will want to bend the rules and back off on discipline. They will want to spoil their children. This is all done to ease the parents' guilt. It does nothing to benefit the child. In fact, it is harmful to the child. They have already had the rug pulled out from under them. Too much has changed already. They need stability. All children need discipline and a predictable routine, but your children need these things more. Refrain from self soothing through showering your children with gifts and allowing them to get away with bad behavior.

It's also helpful to get them involved in activities. If your children haven't returned to school, send them. If they're still preschoolers, find another preschool. Getting back to a normal routine and socialization will help a lot."

"What can we do to keep this from happening again?"

"I cannot provide you with a guide of instructions to ensure this won't happen again. There are no guarantees, but there are things you can do to lessen the chances your children will be molested again, starting with the obvious—know the people your children are around. Interview their teachers before they start school, meet the parents of friends before you let your children play at their homes. Remember all children are vulnerable. Just because your son is nine, that does not mean you don't have to meet his teachers and the parents of his friends.

Also, I will say that I am not a big fan of sleepovers. A child who is half asleep, in someone else's home in the middle of the night is a very good target. Lastly, trust your instincts. Even if this teacher, caretaker, parent of a friend seems perfect, if you have a bad feeling, even one you can't explain, don't chance it. And make it a habit of reminding your children that it is okay to tell you if this happens again."

xxxxx

Julia Reilly returned to the podium to announce the charges and which children's names would be listed as victims to the grand jury.

"We have decided to charge Roger Hall with three different types of sexual abuse as well as aggravated assault on various children in his class.

After this meeting is over, I want to meet with the parents of the following children to discuss the specific charges Roger is facing on behalf of these children: Alexandra Davis, Kelsey Smith, Brendan Frasier, Zachary Cortez, Chloe Pierson, Madison Massey, Joseph Mastriani, and Nathan Massey."

The reading of this list caused much murmuring in the room, as Julia had expected. The complaining came from parents whose children's names were not called. By now all the parents knew that all of the children—except two who were in diapers—in the class were molested, so why is he only being accused of abusing seven?

Finally someone spoke. It was Liliana Klass's mother. "I didn't hear my daughter's name."

"Your daughter is only two. We cannot put a toddler under oath."

"My daughter gave that social worker more information than any of the other children, you said so yourself!" she said pointing at Monica. "She gave disgustingly graphic detail of being fondled by that pervert, and you're not going to charge him with it?"

"Everybody in this room wants Roger to be charged, indicted, and convicted of every atrocity he has committed against their child, I know. But that is impossible. We know this man abused every toilet trained child in his class every single day they were there. But we can only accuse him of what the children can corroborate and testify to. And, in addition to that, we have to let the children lead us. They cannot be expected to testify for several hours over the course of numerous days."

"My daughter told me she saw Liliana being abused," Mrs. Davis said.

"It doesn't matter. We can't charge him, if we can't have the victim take the stand."

"But she will be three by the time the case goes to trial," Liliana's mother told Julia. "Can't you postpone the grand jury until Lily turns three?"

"That wouldn't be necessary. There probably will be a second grand jury in the spring. But by then Liliana would be testifying about acts that occurred months ago when she was two. We can't rely on the memory of a two-year-old. I'm sorry…Honestly, the main reason is that I'd need more than one witness to your daughter's assault. That's not required by the court, but I feel it's the best way."

Another parent, Mr. Frasier, had other things on his mind. "What is this aggravated assault charge? I didn't know aggravated assault had anything to do with sexual abuse."

"It doesn't. Some of the accusations don't have enough evidence to charge him with molestation. Aggravated assault is as close as we can get. It says that the child was contacted physically and that the contact was threatening to the child. A jury is much more likely to convict on that than a fondling charge. Because the charge is less serious and the sentence is relatively light."

"How light?" a little girl's aunt asked.

"Anything from a fine to six months in the county jail."

Julia stood patiently while the parents yelled and commiserated.

"These cases," she explained, "are extremely hard to prosecute now-a-days. If we were in the 80s, this would be much easier. Unfortunately, many prosecutors took advantage of the hysteria about sexual abuse in daycare centers in the 80s and sent many innocent people to prison. So now all judges and juries are prejudiced against daycare sex abuse cases, especially in California. We can't do anything to make them think we are nothing more than overzealous prosecutors and social workers and hysterical parents manipulating children into telling lies.

We have to make a case we can win. If something can't be proven—which for me means anything that isn't corroborated by three or more witnesses—I will either not charge him at all or lower it to aggravated assault."

"So every act that doesn't have three witnesses to is not named or is just a physical assault?" Jess wanted to be sure she understood why her son was not getting the justice he deserved.

"That's right. The molestation charges all have three or more corroborating witnesses. The only exception to this I am making is with two sexual battery charges involving one of the children."

The D.A. let the murmuring go on for a while longer before she dropped the next bomb that she hoped would not incite a riot.

"There's more," she said. "The judge has ruled against allowing the children to testify on closed circuit camera."

"What?" someone shouted. "He wants these kids to face that monster?" another parent yelled. "What kind of monster is this judge?" And on and on it went.

"Judge Wilson feels giving the impression that the victims are too traumatized to face Roger in open court is the same as saying to the jury "he's guilty", that it will not give Roger a fair trial."

"What about fairness for the children? Kids have been testifying on live camera from the judge's chambers for decades." Nicole, who was not nearly as incensed as the others, added.

"This judge has never allowed it, and he will not make an exception this time. If you want your children to testify at trial, they will have to see Roger."

"What about the grand jury?"

"He won't be there for that. As far as he knows, we're still investigating."

"Does that mean you haven't arrested him yet?" Now Nicole was as incensed.

"Yes. We won't be arresting him until we have an indictment."

Several furious parents and relatives left. They found no comfort in Julia's sound reasoning that this was the only legal way to ensure Roger would not be around for the children's testimony to the grand jury.

xxxxx

After the meeting was over, the parents who had children that the prosecutors wanted to put on the stand stayed behind. One by one, Julia met them privately on the other side of the room and told them about the charges involving their child. Some of the other waiting parents and relatives spoke to either Monica or Doctor Lewis about their children.

Nicole noticed Lance Murphy standing by not really doing anything and decided now was her chance to discuss what was on her mind.

"Mr. Murphy?"

"Call me Lance. And you are?"

"Nicole Scott. Zachary Cortez's mother. I wanted to talk to you about my daughter. She spent a day with the Halls in July. I don't know if he abused her. She never said anything, but neither did my son until he was asked, repeatedly. She lives with her grandmother out of state, but she will be here for the holidays. I would like to have her interviewed. Will it be too late then?"

"No. We expect that maybe the children in the class who haven't made claims might in the next few months, so we are planning another grand jury for the spring. If you're daughter has something to say, that the other children can corroborate, she can testify at the second grand jury. Give me a call when you want her to be interviewed and we'll arrange for Julia to talk to her."

He gave her his number.

"Thank you."