Chapter 9

When Abby woke the next morning, it was to discover she was alone. Spread out on Gibbs' side of the bed, once again all she was left with was his scent. During the night she had woken up regularly, the feel of him in her arms the only proof she needed that he hadn't left her and returned to the couch. Listening carefully his steady breathing had reassured her that he was still asleep, his heartbeat under their still linked hands calming her. She must have eventually fallen into a deep sleep sometime in the early hours of the morning because he had managed to slip from the bed without her noticing.

Abby rolled on to her back; she was tired and drained from not getting enough rest for the second night in a row. She had hoped after last night, having fallen asleep with her arms around him and what she had said that Gibbs might have stayed in bed with her and opened up, but he was giving her nothing. She was trying so hard to stay in control of her emotions and take things at Gibbs' pace but she knew it could go on like this forever if she left it up to him.

As much as she didn't want to let it take over her Abby could feel frustration and anger bubbling up at the way he still sought out physical contact with her but withdrew when things started to get more complicated. All the mixed signals he was giving her were starting to wear on her already frayed emotions. She was willing to work through any difficulties they might have but all her efforts were in vain if he refused to face not only his own feelings but hers as well.

Abby knew tiredness and still not being fully recovered were playing into her lack of patience but the longer she laid there and reflected on all that had happened in the last two days, the more upset she became. She felt trapped; they still had almost two days left together and she couldn't take anymore of him reaching out to her and then pushing her away. She hadn't done anything wrong but she felt like Gibbs was punishing her.

More than anything she wanted to help him and as she lay there alone in bed Abby began to realize that perhaps he wouldn't let her help him until their relationship had moved to the next level. Abby didn't doubt that Gibbs would trust her to not hurt him but she wondered if it was more difficult for him to share his innermost feelings with her until he'd surrendered entirely. No matter what the outcome was, she decided it was time to play all her cards and get everything out in the open. After that, whether they had a future or not was up to Gibbs.

Abby got out of bed and smoothed her hands through her hair before making a quick trip to the bathroom then went in search of Gibbs. She needed answers, and even if they weren't the ones she wanted, she had to know. The constant uncertainty of 'will he' or 'won't he' had driven her to her limits. She couldn't take anymore.

She found him sitting on the edge of the porch, his legs dangling off the side. Butterflies stirred in the pit of her stomach at the thought of what she was about to do. Abby had been scared plenty of times in her life, but never anything like this. Gibbs understood her better than anyone, and she knew he'd do anything for her. At least anything but what she really needed from him right now. What she was about to do was a big risk.

Walking down the stairs she made her way around the front of the porch and towards him. Taking small uneasy steps she stood between his knees. Gibbs' eyebrows rose but he didn't say anything. She took the coffee out of his hand and placed it beside him. Abby scrutinized every little detail of his hands with her fingers, hoping that she was doing the right thing. She could see the cut on his finger didn't look as red and sore and some of the edges appeared to have begun healing.

Keeping her hold and looking into his questioning eyes, gently, hesitantly her lips sought out Gibbs'. Making her intentions perfectly clear she made no effort to move away from his mouth, her eyes slowly closing as she got her first real taste of him. Abby was surprised but elated when Gibbs lightly kissed her back, the pressure of his lips slight but there all the same.

The kiss remained slow and tender as their lips repeatedly brushed together. Abby couldn't hold back her low moan, the soft noise making Gibbs pull away from her. His eyelids flickered open as he moved back, revealing the blue she loved so much and that could melt ice in a snow storm. If he was unsure of her feelings, she intended to vanquish any doubts he had by the time their conversation was over.

"I'm in love with you Gibbs, and I think you're in love with me." Abby noticed his hurried intake of breath and the fear that flashed in his slightly widened eyes. Reluctant to make him say he loved her and shut her out even more for being pressured into it, she gave him a moment and carefully thought through what to say.

All she wanted as an answer to her next words was silence. "Tell me I'm wrong."

When he didn't say anything she inwardly rejoiced, but when his jaw clenched and he looked away from her, Abby felt her heart sink. She couldn't remember feeling this exhausted, not even when she was sick. She was emotionally and mentally shattered. His reluctance to open up even just a little bit was only making her more distraught and increasing her paranoia that he was leading her on, even though she knew he wouldn't do that. The way he was taking one step forward and two giant steps back was wreaking further havoc on her weary mind and body. As much as Abby didn't want to do it, she realized it was time to push a little harder.

"You're killing me with all the mixed signals you keep giving me...I know you have a lot going on inside that head of yours but it's not fair on me." She moved away from him and began to pace, her arms waving frantically as she spoke. "You can't look at me the way you do...you can't let me hold you, or kiss you and then try and pretend nothing is happening between us."

Gibbs still didn't say anything. She noticed he'd picked his coffee cup up again and assumed it was a way of trying to focus on something other than what she was saying. The small thread of patience she had left disintegrated, her tiredness spurring on her anger.

"I can't go on like this Gibbs, and neither can you. You can't threaten every attractive male that gets within ten feet of me and then hold me at arm's length..." She said referring to what had happened in town the day before.

"Does that mean you were interested in him then?" Gibbs quickly glanced at her then just as swiftly turned away as if he didn't want her to see the play of emotions on his face.

Abby knew he had reacted without thinking but she was also aware that she'd struck a nerve. The last thing she wanted was for this to turn into a barrage of accusations. She softened the tone of her voice, trying not to sound like she was blaming him for anything. All she wanted was for him to understand what he was doing to her, to them both.

"No, I wasn't. The only person I'm interested in is you. I'm willing to do anything to be with you, but I don't know if you feel the same...I can't wait forever when you won't give me anything in return."

"I'm not asking you to wait forever," he said softly, still looking away from her.

"Til when then Gibbs?...Talk to me, why won't you let me help you?"

"Not sure you can this time, Abby."

The defeat in his voice scared her; Gibbs wasn't the type of man to just give up. She moved to stand back in between his legs, placing her hands on the sides of his face to make him look at her. "You don't know that. I care about you, Gibbs, more than anything...if you don't feel the same then tell me and I'll never bring it up again."

Gibbs sighed, his eyes pleading with her, though she wasn't sure what for. "It's not that..."

"Then what?" She waited for him to say something that would convince her that she wasn't fighting a losing battle. When after a few moments he hadn't said anything further she continued. "I can't do this on my own."

She had never seen him like this, so unsure and lacking confidence. This was not the man she knew and it unsettled her to think of the things he was going through to make him act this way. He was dominant, powerful and induced fear in many people's paths that he crossed, but this Gibbs was something different entirely. This was a man who was scared of her. She didn't know why, but what she did know was that he had to find the strength to work through his fears if they were to have any hope.

"Abby..." he sighed, removing her hands from his cheeks but keeping one within his own.

"You can tell me anything, you can ask me anything. I'd never lie to you and I'll never judge you."

"I know, but there's things that I can't change...things that can't be undone."

"Then we'll work around them. I'm not going into this with my eyes closed, Gibbs."

When he still refused to say any more she took a step back from him and looked off into the distance, focusing her gaze on the wooden crate they'd used as a step to the front door. It seemed like such a long time ago that he'd helped her up and into the cabin on that first day they'd arrived, but it had only been two days. Her mind was hazy and her body was weary.

Abby didn't want to be like his ex-wives, she didn't want to pressure him into talking about something for her sake when it was obvious he didn't want to talk about it. She knew if Gibbs refused to discuss it then nothing she could say would make him change his mind, but that didn't help her. "I'm so tired," she went on, "I came here to try and get better, but now I'm not sure if it was a good idea."

Walking away from him Abby went inside to go and get changed into a pair of jeans and t-shirt. After quickly brushing her teeth and hair, she picked up her black parasol on her way out the door and headed off in the direction of the lookout that Margie had taken her to. She ignored Gibbs as she left the cabin behind. She needed some space and to give him time to think about what she'd just said.

Gibbs' heart had ached as he watched Abby disappear out of view. His first impulse when she was so forlorn was to go after her and pull her into his arms, but how could he do that when he was the cause of her anguish? Having her declare her feelings so openly and honestly had been something he hadn't expected, at least not yet.

For hours he kept working on the porch, all the while expecting Abby to come back. He fought the urge to go and find her, hoping that she was okay, but knowing that she probably just needed some time to herself. When he saw her walk down onto the beach not far from the cabin he sighed with relief, if he could form some order to his thoughts he would go and talk to her.

He'd been so self-absorbed, so caught up in trying to suppress his own feelings he hadn't given much thought to how his reactions towards Abby had been affecting her, and just how much of an impact it was having on her health. He'd brought her here to help her get better, but he was doing the exact opposite. He hated the thought that he was the cause of her suffering; it was the last thing he wanted. And now his indecision had forced her to her breaking point.

Massaging his forehead Gibbs closed his eyes and sighed. He should've known what had been happening between he and Abby over the last several days...the last several months would eventually have to come to the surface. If it was obvious enough for Ray and Margie to pick up on their feelings then it was only a matter of time before they would have to deal with them.

Gibbs had to admit that it was difficult to deny his need for physical contact with Abby. Every part of him cried out to be near her and he was too weak to refuse himself of that contact. But giving in to such moments also came at a cost that his guilty conscience made him pay for. In a way he felt like he was cheating on Shannon's memory. That because his feelings were so strong for Abby it was sullying what he once had with Shannon.

It was arrogant for him to believe that by keeping Abby just out of reach that when he did eventually make up his mind she would still be there. Abby was a beautiful, vibrant woman who deserved someone who cared about her just as much as she cared about them. That someone was him. Gibbs had heard her say it with his own ears. Heard her tell him she loved him, and he'd been too gutless to tell her he felt the same.

Every day he went out and did his job, took risks that could cost him his life, why was it so hard to trust the one woman he loved with his heart? She'd never given him any reason to believe she would hurt him; he knew this was about him, not Abby. Her feelings were obvious; all she wanted was some acknowledgement that he cared about her too. Why was it so hard for him to say the words?

As difficult as it had been to come to terms with over the years he had accepted Shannon was never coming back. He'd tried to replace her with women who looked similar but in reality were nothing like her. They didn't have her caring heart, her gentle soul and they failed to accept him just as he was. Far from being similar in appearance to Shannon, Abby was like her in many ways, but they weren't the only reasons he loved her. Gibbs loved the ways she was different from Shannon, and that was something he couldn't say about his ex-wives.

Gibbs knew he wasn't faultless in his marriage break-ups, he had shut them all out and retreated within himself the moment he thought he might get hurt. It was a reflex to protect himself. A way his mind dealt with having to go through the prospect of coping with another loss his heart couldn't take. Each time one of his marriages came to end it was like losing Shannon again. Even though the relationships weren't working and he didn't love them, he relived the pain of knowing Shannon really was gone. There was no replacing her.

Each of his recent marriages had been doomed to fail because of that one common factor, they weren't Shannon, but his desire to be with Abby wasn't about replacing Shannon. He was in love with her. It was that simple. There were no hidden agendas and no need to dig into the depths of his damaged mind. It wasn't about not being alone and it wasn't about running away from something he would never escape...it was about not wanting to be apart from Abby. He didn't want to live another day without her.

For the first time in so long Gibbs had grasped onto something he didn't want to let go of. He didn't want to lose her when deep down he knew she was his reason for living. If he let her go now, Gibbs knew he would lose her forever. The idea of seeing her with another man, of her falling in love and being happy with someone else made his stomach churn.

He had been trying to protect her from what he thought his behavior might become if they were together but what Gibbs had failed to comprehend was that he was already treating her just as he had his ex-wives. He was shutting her out and not allowing her to get too close because he was terrified if they were in a relationship they would both end up getting hurt. She didn't deserve the way he was treating her, she deserved to be loved, cherished and looked after the way he wanted to. He wanted that, more than anything.

All he had to do was drop his guard a little bit and let her in. She had already done all the hard work by bringing their feelings out in the open; all Gibbs had to do was find the strength to tell her he loved her. He hadn't said that to a woman, and meant it, in a long time. He had faith that Abby would take care of him emotionally if he let her and he was certain she wouldn't hold his memories of Shannon and Kelly against him. Her eagerness to try and get him to talk through his anxieties was proof of that.

Abby had showed enough confidence in her feelings for him to stand there and defiantly say she wanted to be with him, all his emotional baggage included. His refusal to do the same must have cut her deeply. Gibbs upended the box of nails in front of him in anger, sending the shiny metal pieces in random directions. He loved Abby and he was hurting her.

He took a deep breath and looked down at her sitting alone on the beach. In that moment Gibbs realized he had to stop what he was doing. He couldn't do this to her anymore, and he couldn't do it to himself. For once he wouldn't take the easy way out, he would do whatever it took to hold on to her and he would love her like she deserved to be loved, no matter what is cost him.

TBC...