She wanted very much to be weak. Not weak as in spineless. Not weak as in needy or immature. Just plain adult, grown-up, yes I do in fact have a heart sort of weak.
Or maybe the word was vulnerable. Open? Forget it, she couldn't put a word to it.
Why do I feel as though I've been taking the longest path between two points?
She also wondered why he seemed so infamously apt to suspect her of wanting more than a simple welcome. That's really all she needed. A breath of presence, moment or two of patience for her to settle into the reality before her, a smile, and some assurance that it would be okay for her to be 'weak' or whatever the stupid word for it was.
Maybe it was that last bit he kept forgetting. Then wondered why she didn't push through her shell of inhibitions, calling an end to the dance of caustic longing and cutting separation. Yes, maybe he'd forgotten that last assurance bit on one or two crucial occasions.
Yet, as was his perennial custom, he kept her guessing, kept her at bay. Or at least that's what it seemed from her end. She'd stopped worrying, yes, but that didn't mean she didn't hope for some more tangible vision of union. Didn't wonder what would be required of her, if such a vision were indeed shared. Of course she wondered. Wondered what role she was to play. Wondered if the whole notion of trying to play one's part was in part the source of their mutual misery and separation.
Truly, she felt it time to set aside the barriers that had lain between them for so long. She knew his embrace was exactly where she wanted to be. Not just physical, of course. But that also. Yes that very much also.
Touch communicated so many things, after all. Touch painted worlds for souls to dive into, to thrive in, to find one another in. Touch meant assurance, presence, concrete love.
Don't you think it's about time, dear one? No false starts, no treacherous retreats, no backing down and slipping back into silent suffering. I think we can be very happy together, don't you? Wouldn't you like to finally try and find out? If you can make me happy like this, when we have not yet even come together, wouldn't you like to find out how nice it could be if we walked side by side on life's journey?
I know I've said it before. And I meant it then too. But now I say to you truly, my life and love I am ready for you, for us, for everything. Please meditate on and trust in this knowledge. I want it to become a part of you.
Also, dear. Remember to assure me. Let me know where I belong. As I cannot go where I am not invited.