A/N: Hey guys! Hope this finds you all well and enjoying your Christmas eve (: I held this chapter off a few days so it could count as my Chrissy present to you (:
Thank you so much to my reviewers, as always, kikikiki, Ravenclaw Slytherin, Azalia Fox Knightling, SamMorgan13, Rhythm15, SasoLOVE111, TempusSimia, Lil Obsessed, SundaySolis, RealWriter03, ImpatientTeen7, AnonymousJinx209 and Harvey the Wonder Hamster for putting the smiles on my face :)
Enjoy!
. : Chapter 32: Changing Hearts : .
The rest of the day seemed to float past in a sort of agonizing blur.
True to Maddy's suggestion, I was confined indoors and placed on full-time babysitting duty. I love my godson, and I didn't really want to be outside, but being kept inside while the rest of my family were taking strolls in wolf-infested woods was proving to be incredibly nerve wracking.
I spent more time glued to the chair at the desk, with my eyes trained on the monitors, then I did actually watching Ben. I was that paranoid.
"Evie….Evie."
The gentle touch to my shoulder made me jerk in my seat, my eyes involuntarily flying away from the many screens to stare up at CJ uncomprehendingly.
She stood next to me, watching me with a frown creasing her forehead and concern in her eyes. "Honey, why don't you take a break, hmm?"
I blinked wearily and rubbed at my eyes. They were starting to ache from staring at the monitors for so long, but I'd only just noticed this. "Are you guys all done?" I looked around for the others, but couldn't see them. Only Benny was in the room with us, sitting on the floor with his building blocks.
CJ shook her head. "Nearly, I just came back early so I could make a start on dinner. Evie, why don't you go have a lie down? You look about ready to pass out, sweetie."
I felt like shit. So much for being near Black making me feel better. I think, now, that I felt worse. I found myself nodding mutely to her suggestion, and rising stiffly to my feet. I felt my spine click in several places and flinched. The things my Mother would've said about my posture…
"I'll be right for food." I told her as I started trudging up the stairs. "I think…think I'll just sleep."
She nodded understandingly. "I'll put a plate in the microwave for you in case you wake up hungry, okay?"
I didn't even have the energy to smile my thanks, just kept going up until I found myself collapsed on my bed, feet dangling over the edge, passing out in the next instant.
oOo
Consciousness came with an ache deep-settled in my bones. Like how you feel after you wake from sleeping in a bad position.
Wearily blinking my eyes, the first thing that I noticed was that it was dark. The second thing, that it was dead quiet. I couldn't even hear the rustle of leaves outside over the ringing in my ears. Damn, I felt hung over. Though I was positive I hadn't had a drop to drink.
A soft snore from my right drew my eyes to the form curled up on the mattress. It must've been reasonably late if Yas was in bed and snoring. Nearing midnight, maybe. I'd obviously needed that sleep, badly. I hadn't heard her come in.
Unable to stay still any longer, I shifted as quietly as possible into a sitting position and stretched. Joints popped, aches subsided. Though the internal one remained.
I stood, and went to go to the door when the kiss of a cool breeze brushed over my skin. Of their own accord, my eyes went to the open window, to the trees bathed in soft moonlight beyond.
No. I thought, even as I took a step. Don't be bloody ridiculous…
I was landing on my feet before the thought could finish. The feeling of damp, soft earth between my bare toes brought a soft sigh from me. It felt good.
Just a quick walk, the fresh air will help. I told myself, already making my way into the forest. I knew where each sensor was, easily stepping over each trip wire without missing a beat.
I walked, with no real idea of where I was going. My mind not really thinking about anything, just how good the night air felt against my tired body. When the sharp smell of salt invaded my nose, I stopped and seemed to wake from the lazy stupor I'd fallen into.
I was standing atop the cliffs, salty, cool sea wind flowing over me, flicking my loose hair and reminding me of home.
My toes curled over the edge of the rock, empty air all that existed in front of me. I could jump, but wouldn't, I'd survive. Wasn't the whole point of jumping from high places to not survive? But I wasn't suicidal anyway, so there really was no point, except…to feel the joy of freefall. I loved the feeling of freefall.
I closed my eyes, lifting a foot…
The feeling came to me out of no where, a knowing of being watched, of no longer being alone.
I whirled around, both feet planted firmly on the ground, my hand going for the gun that was holstered to my hip. My fingers closed around thin air and for a moment panic stabbed at me. I'd left my guns under my pillow. Stupid.
The presence I could feel was…strong, thick. I had no weapon, only hand-to-hand, which I'd also win. But I was weary, tried…
My eyes narrowed, looking so intently into the trees as though I thought I'd be able to see through them. But there was nothing to see, though I knew there was someone there.
"Come out." I ordered, voice a low growl, barely audible even to my own ears.
There was movement directly in front of me, leaves rustled, the noise I knew was somehow different to that of the breeze blowing around me. I found myself holding my breath, heart rate picking up as I widened my stance and flexed my fingers, ready.
When the foliage finally parted, as if it were giving up its greatest secret, and the figure appeared, the first thing I knew was that I was not ready.
My breath was nonexistent, my heart damn near stopped. Everything seemed to stop. I couldn't feel the wind, the earth beneath my feet, the smell of the ocean, the noise of the waves crashing against the rocks far below.
All I could see was the impossibility in front of my eyes, bathed in the glow of the moon. All I could feel was a sort of tragic beauty and lethal danger, all radiating from this creature.
He was huge, taller then I at the shoulder, broader then the thickest trunks across the chest. Everything about him screamed strength, power, yet I wanted to be closer, to see him better. He was a colour between red and brown, blended together like a colour on an artist's palate, russet.
His ears were both pointed forward, on me. His eyes, I couldn't really see, but they were dark, and I knew they were on me also. I could feel his gaze on my skin, searing, branding.
The light from the moon seemed to make him glow…
Air filled my lungs in a rush, the noises came back in a roar, my voice came out in a strangled, broken whisper. "Jake."
Those ears flicked, and I swore I saw him shiver, but he stayed so still, like stone.
"It's you, isn't it?" I whispered. My hands flew to my mouth as the giant wolf nodded his massive head once, slowly.
The way he watched me…like I would run…hurt.
I swallowed, and without thinking, took a step forward. He did the same, and I froze, fear welling up inside me.
He stopped dead, and after a moment, slowly lowered himself to the ground to lie on his belly, head resting on his paws.
He was…trying to make himself smaller, so he wouldn't scare me so much.
My heart clenched, and I felt the tears prick at the corners of my eyes. "How can you still…"
He lifted his head enough to tilt it in a questioning gesture.
I shook my head and took another careful step forward, then another. He didn't move. My hands trembled, my palms sticky, heart pounding. I didn't even berate myself for this behaviour, couldn't, not with him right there, right in front of me. So real. I sank to my knees when my legs would no longer hold me up.
Now I was closer to him, and just about eye level, I could see the melted chocolate orbs, shinning, reflecting the moon as he stared at me with such intensity that I sank further.
"Your eyes are the same." I whispered, aware of the mere two feet of distance between us, but not really being able to bring myself to care. I shouldn't have been feeling this need to get closer to him, I hadn't when he was human. Was it the separation? Or did the fact that he was in his wolf form have a different affect on me? I wondered idly, then felt relief that I was starting to think a little more rationally again.
Those eyes blinked, but remained on me. I could see the sadness in them, felt guilt grip at me. I'd put that sorrow in those beautiful eyes, I knew it was my fault. Like so many other things...
"I'm so sorry, Jake." As I murmured the words, one shaky hand reached out and after a moment's hesitation, touched him.
As his eyes slid closed, I marvelled at the softness of his fur, it didn't look as soft as it felt. A smile actually pulled at the corners of my mouth when a heavy sigh rumbled from him.
"I didn't mean to hurt you," I admitted, hand stilling and drawing away a little. His eyes opened as soon as the contact ended. "I swear I never meant it. But I can't give you what you want, Jake." A single tear slipped down my cheek. "I can't give you what you need. I can't be your soul-mate. I can't face it again…"
He pushed his huge, damp nose into the open palm of my hand and whimpered. It tore at my heart strings.
"It's so complicated. I'm so complicated. I'm scarred, Jake, broken. I don't think I can ever love like that again. But I…I want to. I wish I could, even just to take away your pain. I'm sorry." Two more crystal drops made their way down my cheeks as I realised I meant every word. I did wish it could work, I would stop the pain. If I could. But I knew I couldn't. "I'm so sorry."
He whined again, inching himself closer like he couldn't help it. I didn't back away, either because I didn't want to or didn't have any energy left, who knew?
In that moment, tears now streaming down my face, staring into the eyes of my soul-mate, I knew two things. First, it was now pointless to deny it, I was his other half, and second, I hated Adam in a new light. I hated him now for ruining me for this, destroying Jake and I before we'd even had the possibility of existing.
"I wish it were different, so badly, I wish it wasn't like this."
oOo
JAKE'S POV
I knew she was back. I'd felt it the moment she had set foot on the res again. But I hadn't gone to her, and it'd taken every ounce of my will power to not go running to her. Had to be on her terms. The decision was hers to make, and hers to make alone.
So I'd stayed away, out of sight. It both eased my pain to feel her so close to me again, and created a new one that she was so close yet I still couldn't be with her.
But I hadn't been able to help myself when I'd caught her scent tonight. I knew she was alone, and none of the pack were around. I couldn't leave her by herself out here. What the hell she was doing out here by herself in the middle of the night anyway?
Just a peek. I'd promised myself. Just to see she was alright.
She was as stunning as I remembered, in a simple white t-shirt and three quarter PJ pants. Her black hair was loose and moving in the breeze and as she walked. Carrying her scent to me, cinnamon and vanilla, I inhaled it like a drug. But there was something wrong with her, she walked as if she were in a daze. I knew she was awake, going by her heart rate, but she seemed….lost.
I followed her up to the cliffs, unable to leave her when she was in this state. When she just stood there, looking down at the water, I was alright. But when she lifted a foot, a bare foot, I panicked and took a step forward.
Snap.
I cringed and froze at the sound of the twig breaking under my paw. Evie whirled around, eyes scanning the trees as she seemed to come to. How had she heard?
"Come out." She growled after a moment, she was shifting her stance. Readying herself for a fight? It caused physical pain to think that she had ever needed to know how to fight.
Before I could stop myself, or think better, I was moving out of the bushes that hid me. Have to be with her. The wolf in me repeated over and over. Ours.
She froze, and everything else around us seemed to do the same. I held my breath, waiting for her to scream, to run. She knew the secret, but would she remember that if she was terrified? Or what if she thought I was one of the others, or worse, Sam…the way she was staring at me…
At once I heard her sharp intake of breath, like she'd suddenly remembered how to breathe.
"Jake."
I barely kept my eyes from closing at the sound of my name from her lips. Her voice was off though, like it pained her to speak. But it wasn't a question, she knew me. My heart leapt.
"It's you, isn't it?" She whispered. When I nodded, she slapped her hands over her mouth like she was blocking a noise.
Did knowing who I was make it worse for her? Would she run now because it was me? My heart sank.
It grew hopeful again when she did the exact opposite of what I was thinking she'd do. She came towards me. I couldn't help the step I took, the need to be closer to her after so long was goddamn painful! But I regretted it when her beautiful green eyes widened, in fear.
I halted, wracking my brains for some way to make this easier, without actually leaving. Can't leave her. Not now. Slowly, so slowly, I stretched out on the ground, trying to look like the family dog you couldn't help but pat. I doubted she'd react well if I phased. As much as I hated the dog puns…I'd do anything to make her feel better, to make her stay.
"How can you still…" Her voice cracked as she trailed off, the crystal tears glinting in the moonlight as they pooled in her eyes.
I'd go beyond anything to make them go away.
I tilted my head at her, silently begging, please don't cry.
She took another tentative step toward me, and then another, then she lowered herself to her knees. My joy at having her willing close to me was flattened by the tortured look on her stunning face.
Nothing but a smile should ever grace her face. I decided firmly. She'd never be sad again. Not if I had anything to do with it. And I will.
"Your eyes are the same." She murmured, her saddened expression only getting worse. "I'm so sorry, Jake." She reached out a hand, my heart stopped. Would she really…?
Her gentle, shaking fingers tentatively pressed against my cheek. I couldn't help closing my eyes, anymore then I could help the heavy sigh that escaped when she threaded her fingers through my fur.
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I swear I never meant it. But I can't give you what you want, Jake." A single tear slipped down her cheek. "I can't give you what you need. I can't be your soul-mate. I can't face it again…"
Why was she saying this? What did it mean? I pushed my nose into her palm when her hand threatened to drop. We would not be separated again. The wolf demanded it. "It's so complicated. I'm so complicated. I'm scarred, Jake, broken. I don't think I can ever love like that again. But I…I want to. I wish I could, even just to take away your pain. I'm sorry." Two more of the treacherous tears rained down her cheeks, falling eventually to the soft ground. "I'm so sorry."
You are complicated. I thought, whining at her and creeping closer. But your mine. I freaking love you! Exactly the way you are!
"I wish it were different, so badly, I wish it wasn't like this." the tears ran faster now, she made no move to wipe them away.
It broke me to see her this way. She was so strong, so proud, it had to be killing her to be like this. I whimpered again, nudging and licking her palm comfortingly then laying my head in her lap. I was dying to phase back and hold her, but held off.
Her choice…must be hers!
oOo
EVIE'S POV
I sniffed, feeling empty again. I hated this feeling, with a passion. But I was warm. With Jake's head lying in my lap, his deep eyes gazing up at me, pain written through them…I didn't feel alone.
Absently, I started stroking his massive ears again. "Can you change back whenever you like?" I asked, not totally sure why I was asking. A distraction maybe?
His ears perked, interest and hope sparking within him as he lifted his head enough to nod. When he began to get to his feet however, I panicked.
"Wait!" Where he'd been touching me felt bone-chillingly cold once he wasn't. I shivered. "Don't…don't go. Please." I swallowed and relaxed when he settled back down, the chill leaving almost immediately.
I believe it. I really, really believe it.
"D-does it hurt when you shift?" I continued.
He shook his head.
"The journal described it as…a mix between pleasure and pain, exhilarating."
He tilted his head again, thinking about it? Then he nodded again.
I went quiet, thinking about it for long moments, my fingers still absently sifting through the long soft fur. Fate really is a cruel son of a bitch. I mean, hadn't I suffered enough over my life? After everything, everything, that's ever happened to me…now fate puts this in front of me, so close that I can just taste what it could be like, but just far enough away that I'll never reach it. Then of course I had to suddenly go and make it harder for myself by deciding that I wanted to reach for it. Wanted more badly to be able to grab it and never let go.
How had I come to this so quickly? And the timing sucked, naturally. With Adam and that other evil barsted….so many demons lurking behind me, under my skin, reeking havoc in my mind. Time was running out, my life was changing so fast, too fast. I wonder now if it will be too much for me.
"I think I've been running for so long…that it's all I know how to do, now." I heard myself say. "First with Daddy…I never said goodbye, you know. Our last conversation…I was mad at him, he'd missed my birthday, again. I didn't know he had cancer, I didn't know he was trying to protect me. He didn't want me to remember him sick, so he stayed away. The guilt…" I felt another tear trickle down my cheek. "What if he died, thinking I hated him? And it was my fault…all my fault." If he hadn't been afraid for me, my mother's people could have cured him. "I'll always have to live knowing that."
There was movement, and noises, light glinted and shifted and the pressure on my lap was suddenly no longer there.
I stared, wide eyed and mouth agape, at those same chocolate eyes now level with my own.
Jake curled an arm around my waist and pulled me against his warm, solid form, leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead as he did so. I was too stunned to do anything.
"It could never have been your fault, Evie." He said, his voice raspy and deep and lulling.
When I just continued to stare at him, he ran his free hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. He was as handsome as the last time I'd seen him, in the rain in my rear view mirror...
"I'm sorry, I tried not to, but I had to hold you. I know it has to be your choice, and I tried to let this be too, but I…I'm not…strong enough. Being wolf, it just wasn't enough, and it kills me to see you in so much pain and…and…"
I shook my head at his babbling, and then leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder. I also don't know when I started finding babbling cute, it's supposed to be as annoying as shit.
"Shut up."
He wrapped the other arm around me to, and I felt secure. Another kiss was dropped to the top of my head. "I wish I could take all this pain from you, Evie. I wish you'd tell me how too."
I laid my hand flat on his chest, splaying my fingers over his heart, and smiled when I felt the strong beats underneath it. "Your so strong, so much life."
"It's your life." He didn't even hesitate, his tone so sure. He didn't doubt what he felt, not for a moment. It was a reminder of how much I didn't deserve him. "My heart beats for you."
"Stop it. You can't say shit like this to me. I'm not…I don't…I can't explain. I can never be truthful with you, honest. The things I've seen…the things I've done. Jake, you'd not only ever be able to understand, but you'd never want anything to do with me again." And in the name of all things chocolaty in the universe I do not want that! Even though it is best for him…and most probably me. Crap, why did I change my damn mind! "You're…your life. You're what life should be, passionate, loving, kind…to almost an impossible fault. I…I'm not. You need someone who can look at things like you do, someone who can open up her closet and not drown you in all the skeletons hanging in there."
Oh, dear god, am I babbling? Someone sign the papers, I've gone insane.
"Evie, shut up." His voice rumbled from him into me, for a moment blocking out all the other noises in the night. "Do you not understand imprinting at all?" He tucked one large warm finger under my chin and tilted my head up so I was looking at him. If he looked anymore serious I'd call him Sam. "Baby, you are the one for me. The only one. I'll be whatever you want me to be, do whatever you want me to do, but you need to understand that you're all that matters to me. I don't care what's hanging in your closet, hurl anything you want at me, I'll always be right here."
"But you don't know what's in there!" I cried, exasperated. "My secrets are the kind no one deserves to be burdened with. I wouldn't even inflict this misery on my worst enemy, let alone you!" Well…there may be a few people I'd curse with the pain…but that is beside the point.
Jake shook his head firmly, and I noticed then that his hair had gotten longer. He looked…roguish, oh so tempting in the moon light. "I don't care."
"You should!"
"What could be so bad? Drugs?"
I scoffed, feeling my spirit light inside again. Arguing with Jacob Black brought back my fire. What a shock. "Drugs, is that really the worst thing you can think of? I'm not, nor have I ever, been a junkie. Unless you count adrenalin junkie but I assure you I'm fully trained for skydiving."
He stared at me, and swallowed hard. "No…other…other men."
I blinked. This was his worst fear? "Well, yes. But not after I met you. Sex, for a long time, has just been sex to me, Jake. The guys…it was like building a shed. You've got the wood, the nails, the plans, you just need the hammer to finish the job. That's it. I don't even remember their names, it was just…a distraction, for a while. I'm a slut, yes." Okay, Evie that was way to crude. A hammer? Seriously?
He shook his head again. "No, your not."
I made a noise of frustration and thumped his chest. "Damnit Jake! You can deny what I tell you! You literally know nothing about me…"
"Bullshit! I know you can't get through a morning without at least three cups of coffee-strong stuff, not de-café. You cook, amazingly, but you pretend not to like it because you don't see yourself as 'domestic'. You're into cars and bikes and extreme sports that I do not approve of. You love your sister, even though she pisses you off something shocking. You even love your mother. You love kids. You're loyal, to a fault. Your smart, and have the most brazen attitude I've ever come across, worst then even Leah. And I like it-no, I love it! I love how sharp your tongue is. Your loving and caring and at the same time as totally badass as you make yourself out to be. Your beautiful, and tough…but so, so haunted. It kills me, Eves, it really does." He cupped the side of my face and lent his forehead against mine. "I feel so powerless, sitting by and watching you go through this and not being able to help you."
I swallowed, slightly stunned. "O-okay, so maybe you know a bit. But what about…"
He smiled. "I don't care."
"I've done terrible things, Jake." I said solemnly.
"The past is the past…"
"Not if it comes back to haunt you."
"I know you have nightmares-"
"Jake! Just stop it! You're downplaying this and you're not grasping the gravity of the situation!" I thumped him again, desperate to make him understand that we were not a fairytale. There would never be a happy ending, I knew it.
"Tell me." He said simply, with a shrug. "Trust me."
"I don't know how to trust anymore." I whispered. "Can't you just believe me?"
He gazed at me steadily. "It has to go both ways, Evie. We will get through this, whatever it is. We'll grow together. I swear I'll make you believe in life again."
How'd he… "That's a big task, wolf boy. I might not even be around for very long."
His gaze hardened and his jaw clenched. "I don't know if I have the will power to let you leave me again."
I raised an eyebrow. "What'll you do? Go caveman and toss me over your shoulder?"
"Maybe. I want this to be your choice, Eves. But the wolf in me knows you're ours, and he's not as reasonable as the man." He sounded as if he resented that.
Was that why Mum didn't like the wolves? Because of whatever lurked beneath the man's skin? "I've seen you all furry, you're not so scary. Besides, I'd kick your arse if you tired to keep me here. And I'd probably hate you."
He grinned. "I know you would. And I thought you already did."
I bit my lip, staring up at him, and mumbled. "Maybe not so much now…"
His eyes lit up. I love how they did that. Like a kid at Christmas. "So what do you think of me?"
"Oh, no. No, I'm not feeding your ego, Black."
"Ah, so you like me then." Damn, that grin was infectious. "Think I'm hot?"
"Yes, actually. If I didn't know you were a werewolf I'd take you to a hospital for one of those ice baths." I smirked, cheekily.
He seemed mightily pleased with himself. "You admitted it."
I rolled my eyes. "I think your delusional, and twisting my words. Which, by the way, I hate."
"Just the facts, Eves."
"Stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Smiling like that."
"Why?"
"Because your making me smile, and I'm supposed to be morbidly depressed."
I felt his warm breath against my lips as he leaned in closer. "So I'm curing your morbid depression, then?"
I didn't bother to try and fight off the smile. "I guess so." Was he? Could he?
He grinned and pulled away, and I felt…disappointed. "Excellent."
I scowled at him, but couldn't find my usual conviction to put behind it. "Don't get cocky."
We sat in silence for a while, just staring at each other, until I lost my nerve and pulled out of his arms. The cold feeling was there, but then so was my smile. "I should…get back, before they send a search party."
"You should sleep." He agreed gently, giving me one of his soul-seeing looks. Deep down, I hoped they were only for me. "I'll take you back."
"I don't need a body guard, macho man, I…." I trailed off as he rose, my eyes widening. "Jacob, why the hell are you naked?"
A/N: There we go, the long awaited, and hopefully successful reunion :) I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter has been started (I think I've got a 100 or so words :P) it's posting date is at the moment unknown. You all know the plan which my life works on-e.g. none.
On this note, I say goodnight, and where ever you are in the world, I wish you a very merry Christmas :) (And if you don't happen to celebrate Christmas, have a wonderful day!)
Love to all,
~Meg xx