~Chapter 4~

Written by Ladyeire Author

References to Good vs. Evil and Fatty

"Ms. Komma, I've got a good feeling about this." I watch through the rearview mirror as Mrs. Evil-Good nods and smiles. She's the picture of perfection with her alabaster skin and shimmery mahogany hair.

Plastering on my biggest and brightest realtor's smile, I meet her eyes through that little bit of mirror and say, "So do I! The listing reads like a dream."

Please don't let it be a nightmare.

My prayers are answered, it seems, when we pull into the drive of a well-kept little house. It's plain, without much landscaping, but it's clean and I send up another little prayer to the Big Man under my breath that it's free of any weird people doing unspeakable things on hidden tombstones.

"You know, you should really pray to one of the Saints if you want to get something accomplished. Daddy's got his hands full with the kids."

What the FUCK?

"Come again?"

"Your little prayer? You'd totally get more answered if you went with someone like Saint Joseph. With this recession, he's seriously slow."

This couple, beautiful or not, is seriously strange.

"Jesus effing Christ." The whispered curse is smothered behind my hands. It's either that or I laugh like I'm losing my mind.

"Yes?"

My eyes flash again to the rearview mirror to see a smiling missus waiting for me to address her. So fucking weird.

"Let's go on in and have a look around to see if it fits your needs, shall we?"

A short walk later and we're going through the front door. I specifically requested that the person selling be absent to avoid anything like our first home viewing. Ushering them both into the small foyer, I turn to the left, only to be confronted by a wall of curio cabinets in what I'd assume would be a dining room.

Mr. Evil-Good nearly trips on a collection of muddied running shoes beside the door to get to the glass cases.

"Bella! They've got every fucking action figure from the original Star Wars… in the boxes!"

The mister is seriously geeking out over some spot lit, still in the box, action figures that my little nephew has in pieces in his toy box.

This makes me smile.

Good to know he's not perfect after all. It makes me feel better about the men I date.

"It says here, that there are only three bedrooms, but it's on a nice plot of land so I'm sure you could build out to suit your needs."

I've no sooner got part of my sales pitch out before I hear another manly squeal. "Look at this shit!"

Following the voice, Mrs. Evil-Good and I walk into the living room to see her hot half sitting in a desk chair and messing around with some sophisticated computer equipment. Upon closer inspection, I notice he's playing a violent video game with all the enthusiasm of a pimple faced teen rubbing one out.

Big grin firmly in place, he turns to his wife. "The only thing my father got right was this shit, babe."

"Does your father own a video gaming company?"

"Yeah, among other things. Father's got a hand in just about everything violent."

"Erm, good for him? Probably makes a lot of money off those games." My head shakes without thought as I wait for his wife to dislodge him from the desk so that I can show them around the remainder of the house.

Upstairs we hit a snag, when we encounter just one bathroom that smells of sweaty socks and ass.

"I realize that with four daughters you're going to need at least two more bathrooms and a major overhaul to this one." Waving my hand under my nose, I continue, "Besides, there's plenty of room to the sides and back of your property, as I've said, to add on. Did I mention that there's an incredible park nearby and some beautiful walking trails? It really is a picturesque little home."

We beat a hasty retreat out of the small bathroom. Mr. Evil-Good is making gagging noises and Mrs. Evil-Good forges on to check out the three rooms. I put my hand in my pocket to grip my precious… just in case.

"He's got a rather large appreciation for naked women and exercise equipment."

When I find her, in the master bedroom, she's on her hands and knees and looking through various DVD cases and a few magazines that were clearly hidden from prying eyes on purpose.

"Yeah, and a lack of appreciation for fucking cleanliness." The mister picks up a rag near the pile of porn and turns it this way and that before sniffing it. When he throws it back to the ground with a disgusted "hmph", it doesn't fall into a heap, but rather stands proud, forming a rough pyramid. "That shit's not right. He could give himself an infection reusing the same rag every time," he mutters.

"What was that, babe?" Mrs. Evil-Good has moved from the uncovered naughty under the bed, to the closet. "How many people did you say lived here, Ms. Komma?"

"Just one, I believe. He's selling because he and his girlfriend just bought a house to live in together."

"Looks to me like he's gonna have his hands full if this book is anything to go by."

I look over just in time to see him rifling through what looks like a private journal and I sigh.

Is nothing sacred to these people? Clickclickclick… I can already hear the current owner's complaint about his stuff being rifled through.

"I'm not sure you should be reading that, sir. I think it's meant to be private."

He shrugs and closes the bound pages with a thump. "Then it shouldn't have been out for anyone to look through. If you're going to air your personal demons in written form, then you should do what my dad does, and burn them once you're done." His smile is blinding and a little bit unnerving.

Fucking crazies, I tell you.

"Why were you asking about the number of people living here, Mrs. Evil-Good?"

Chewing her lip thoughtfully, the missus pokes her head out of the closet. "There are just so many different sizes in here. It looks as though he either likes to play dress up, or he's a possible hoarder." Her last words are whispered, making it seem as though that would be a major sin.

All I have left is a shrug, because in all my time on the job, I've never seen anyone quite so…nosy.

"It is a sweet home though, and with very good vibes. I feel loads lighter here than I did in the other places, but I really was hoping for something a bit...larger. What do you think, Edward?"

The look he gives her would melt the iron panties off an oversized opera singer.

"Babe, you know anything's a step up from the Hell I lived in before. I think it's doable. Some disinfectant for the bathroom and a few well-placed bowls of potpourri. It's definitely doable." He kicks a large duffle bag as he speaks and the smell of ass and sweat wafts through the air again. "With your dad's help, we could coerce some real angels to help us make this place just the right size even."

"If you're sure?"

His responding nod and wink seems to relay more than his surety in his plan and it makes me blush.

"Okay then. Moving on!" I walk them back downstairs and through the kitchen. When I start pointing out the stainless steel appliances, Mrs. Nosy strikes again. She opens the fridge and freezer with the mister looking over her shoulder.

"Smart Dogs? Those things taste like brimstone and cardboard. Why would you willingly eat that shit?"

A quick throat clearing has them back on track and following me to the back door. "You have a decent backyard with plenty of shade and a nice patio."

Just as I open the door, Mr. Evil-Good barrels through and walks outside. I'm sidling up beside him when he takes a deep breath and I have to admit that it's the hottest thing I've heard…maybe ever. Who knew a deep breath could be sexy?

My eyes flit to his profile. He makes crazy look so damn good. His strong, confident jaw outlines a face that could make angels weep.

"Oh, it does…make angels weep, that is. Just yesterday he made a whole choir of Cherubim cry for two hours and all he did was yawn!" Mrs. Evil-Good's bell like voice responds to my thoughts, only I wasn't just thinking them.

Fuck me and my inability to keep my verbal filter active. I just said that out loud…again.

I resist the urge to laugh loudly and turn to see a completely serious looking missus behind me. She has got to be the strangest woman I've ever encountered.

"What the fuck?" doesn't seem to encompass my thoughts about this couple any longer. I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't find a nice sanatorium to show to them next.

Shaking my head for the millionth time since agreeing to help these two, I am surprised when I don't hear rattling between my ears. I take stock of everything around me and notice Mr. Jaw Porn has walked into the yard with a very big smile.

And then the smile falters and is replaced by girlish sounding screams and manly words.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! GET'EM OFF ME! GET THE FUCKERS OFF MEEEEEEEEE!"

The weird chick he's married to runs past me like her ass is on fire. Her hands start swatting at her husband from his waist down and I'm half sorry I'm not asked to help. I'd gladly swat the crazy man's groin.

Once he's stopped jumping around, in what looks like a well-rehearsed dance to loosen hot coals from his tighty whiteys, I regain my composure and open my mouth.

"Is there something I can do?"

The moment Mr. Evil-Good looks up at me I swear I see fire in his eyes. Not the smoldering, 'I want to screw you seven ways to Sunday', sort of fire either. I mean the kind that leaves blisters and burns down homes. It's almost scary.

"Get us the fuck outta here!" He stomps by me, shuddering and mumbling curses under his breath about "Satan" and his "fucking father" and "had to be spiders". None of it makes sense to me.

"He has a very bad case of arachnophobia. The jumping spiders in the yard were a bit much for him to handle."

"The jumping…what?"

"Spiders. Jumping spiders. All over. So many of them." Her eyes go unfocused, as though she's remembering something particularly bad, and then she shudders. "It's probably best if you take us to our car now. He's going to want to shower immediately."

I nod dumbly and try very hard not to picture her husband wet and naked.

Too late. Mmmmmm, naked Mr. Hottie Jaw Porn.

"Don't worry, Ms. Komma. You're not the first, and you won't be the last, to wonder if he's as sinful naked as he is clothed."

Fuck my life. I need to make this sale before I lose my ever loving mind and my outstanding reputation!

Just keep clicking…

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