Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Give Me A Little Trust
Chapter Sixteen: Injections Galore
Bella's POV
"Mr Cullen, Miss Swan?" The nurse called us up and with one last squeeze of my hand Edward and I walked into the doctor's office, going to find out what our chances and options were to find out how to create a little person with a part of me and a part Edward.
The doctor shook both our hands and introduced himself as we took a seat in the chairs across from his desk, our hands still clasped. I wasn't letting go of Edward's hand anytime soon. It was my support system today as I was nervous as hell.
Edward explained the situation to the doctor when he asked. Due to length of time Edward had been trying for a baby we were told about what our methods of conceiving a baby could be, along with alternative medicines and adoption. As we had already made the decision to try for a baby without the use of sperm donors we were counting on Edward's sperm to pull through.
"You have three options really, IVF, IUI and IVF/ICSI. Are you aware of what these all are?" We both nodded so he continued. "If everything is okay with Miss Swan we'll go ahead and try IVF/ICSI. Due to you already being diagnosed as infertile Mr Cullen, ICSI would seem like the most likely way to conceive."
IVF would involve fertilisation outside the body, in a Petri dish, and then having the embryo implanted back into the uterus. In ICSI one sperm is injected into the egg for fertilisation, and then it is implanted.
"What would be required of us?" Edward asked, rubbing my hand soothingly. We were both aware that I would have to go through more than him but now we wanted to know just how much.
"Well we'd need a blood sample and then sperm samples. We'll freeze any viable sperm as a backup in case the sample you give us on the day of the procedure has none. The blood test is routine for any sexually transmitted diseases. Miss Swan you will be going through much more than that but don't let that scare you, we try our best to make it as comfortable and stress free as possible."
"To start with we'll take some blood and have that checked over to make sure your FSH/Progesterone/hCG levels and then we'll do a pelvic examination just to check everything's in working order."
What the hell were FSH/Progesterone/hCG levels? God, we've just started and already I was being drowned in the medical terms.
"And when will we find out if everything's okay?"
"Immediately after for the pelvic exam, as for the blood tests and sperm sample two days max. Once all the results are in we'll go over the options more in greater detail so you both can decide what will be the best. How does all that sound?"
"Okay," I said, feeling rather nervous.
"Alright," Edward answered, squeezing my hand again.
"Good. Now, let's get you both sent off for these tests, the faster the better." He smiled warmly at us and stood up, ushering us to follow.
Dr Chilton handed us over to the nurses and after I kissed Edward on the cheek we were led separate ways. The nurse asked me to lie down on the bed so they could take blood. The small prick of the needle going in seemed like a breeze compared to what was ahead.
Once they had enough for a sample I was moved next door for a pelvic exam. This I was a little worried about, especially once I saw the device that was going to show them everything. In layman's terms it looked like a vibrator. I was a little worried at first but knew this was a requirement if I wanted to have a baby with Edward and I really did. Nothing would stop me from achieving that if it was humanly possible. And if it wasn't we'd adopt to get our baby.
"This may feel just a bit uncomfortable," the nurse said, setting everything up as I sat on the bed, legs in the stirrups and waiting.
The whole thing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it really would have been better if Edward had been with me holding my hand. I just really could have used him being in the room, though understood perfectly why he wasn't. He did have to go and do his own part for this. After all, without his sperm sample we were not going to achieve anything.
After going through everything they needed to I walked back out to the waiting area. Edward was sitting with his head in his hands. I approached and softly rubbed his shoulders and back, getting him to look up at me.
"What's wrong?" I asked, pulling him up.
"Nothing, we can talk about it later." He took my hand and went over to the reception desk to book us in for our next appointments. I wasn't entirely sure what was going on despite being told about it. My brain was choosing to shut off and block it out for now.
Edward started making appointments for our next visit and my eyes scanned the waiting room of couples in similar situations as he chatted with one of the nurses like they were friends. Probably were after the number of times he had been in here.
Will I be like him, recognised by the staff after a while? Will our hopes of a baby fail miserably that this doctor's office becomes a second home to us? God I hope not. I couldn't take it if that was the case.
Once in the car I took Edward's free hand and held it in mine, wanting to reassure him that everything would be okay. He was worrying me a little but it couldn't have been that bad, or at least I hoped it wouldn't be that bad.
Back at his house Edward parked the car and we both got out. He busied himself with lunch while I sat at the counter watching him. For some reason he was stalling and I couldn't work out why. Realising that Edward wasn't going to talk first I decided to bring it up.
"You want to tell me what's wrong now or shall we just dance around this topic for another hour?"
Edward stopped what he was doing and put everything down. He walked over and kissed me softly, running his hands through my hair and down the side of my body to my ribs. I knew this method well, dazzle me and I'll forget. Well, this time it wasn't going to work. We were embarking on a difficult path and needed to have full trust in each other to say what we're thinking.
"Stop that," I said as I pushed him back a bit. "Tell me," I prompted. Edward sighed and took a seat next to me, lunch abandoned on the counter.
"I don't know why you're still here," he admitted.
"What do you mean?"
"Well I'm expecting you to realise what a mistake you're making. We're going to go through months of this, so many examinations, injections, and procedures that it'll make your head spin."
"And I'm aware of that."
"But are you really? Cause it's not too late to change your mind." I closed my eyes and sighed. He was still giving me an out when I didn't want one.
"Edward, please listen to me and trust me when I say I want this. I want us to have a baby and no matter what they throw our way I'm not going to up and run." He nodded softly and kissed my cheek.
"I'm worried this isn't what you want."
"I want this Edward, please don't doubt that. I love you very much and I want us to have a family together. It will take time and at times it'll be very hard but we can do this." I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. I kept my head rested against his and gradually kissed round until I kissed his lips.
Taking his hand I led him up the stairs and to our bedroom. Edward began to protest when I pushed him onto the bed but I needed this as much as him and made that known. After that he didn't protest at all. We fought against each other for dominance, getting out our anger and stress from earlier. It was tasking on us both and despite Edward having gone through the process somewhat before he clearly found it difficult, the fertility treatment, not sex.
With panting breaths Edward and I collapsed onto the bed, him throwing the quilt over our physically exhausted and mentally drained selves. I rolled over and snuggled into his chest. His hand caressed my back as I drew circles over his stomach, occasionally kissing him.
"What are you thinking?" he asked.
"I just want this to work out for us. I love you and…I think we could be great parents." Edward leant down and kissed my forehead.
"Me too."
The two of us feel asleep rather quickly after that and I dreamt of a little bronze haired boy running rings around his silly father, Edward. It was a lovely dream but also a painful one. That need to make this work was back with a kicking force.
The following days after the doctor's appointment we found out Edward still had the same sperm count and due to how low it was our options were limited, I was apparently very healthy and fertile which was good news all round, and the next step we had to take was to start IVF.
Edward and I went back to the fertility clinic to be briefed fully on what was going to happen and then I would start the first round of medications. It was going to be the beginning of a very long and hard process but with a baby at the end of it, it all seemed worth it.
The medication I was put on was to suppress the normal ovulation cycle. The drugs block certain hormones from being produced and this puts you into an artificial menopause stage. Unfortunately you can also experience menopause symptoms.
In order to take these drugs they had to be injected daily for two weeks straight. Seeing as I didn't like needles Edward was going to be the one to do it. He practiced several times using a syringe filled with water and an orange before he began injecting me.
Like clockwork every night when Edward got home from work we'd get the medications all sorted out and the injections would begin. Afterwards, I'd clean up the used stuff and we'd make dinner together.
We were both filled with hope that this could work, despite being told that the success rate of IVF is 20-30%. It really was all out of our hands. We couldn't control it at all, just had to trust in God that he would grant us a baby at the end of the process. Of course, failure did seem likely. With the probability of success low we did have to keep things in perspective, despite how much we didn't want to. Getting our hopes up so early on would be disastrous if we had to go through it all again.
With us now finally getting started on infertility treatment it raised the issue of whether we tell everyone or not. I wasn't quite sure how they all would take it but knew eventually they would warm up to the idea.
"I think we should continue to keep this to ourselves, I don't really want them all in our business despite how well they mean," Edward said as we discussed it over dinner.
"I agree, it kinda adds a pressure to make it work, we certainly don't need any more than that. How will you get around the issue of missing work when going to appointments?" I asked, sitting in Edward's lap.
"Alice rarely checks my itinerary. Even if she does I'll schedule it in as a client meeting that needs to take place elsewhere, she surely won't deny me from wanting to expanding the company."
"But you're not expanding the company?" I pointed out.
"There's no need to, we do enough as it is. Everything's going well and if things get particularly hard for us I could just ask for some time off. She won't prohibit that as I am entitled to it."
"Will you be able to keep up with all your work commitments and do this at the same time?"
"Bella, no matter what happens, you will always come first. If work is taking too much of my life up I will cut back and hand things off."
"What if your job becomes jeopardised?"
"Jeopardised by whom? My father owns the whole company, and even at that, he wouldn't' fire his own son." I nodded and ran my hands through his hair.
"Well at least that's one less things we have to worry about."
"Very true," Edward said, agreeing.
"Come on, let's go to bed." I got up from his lap and we shut off all the lights, locked the doors and then headed on up, knowing that tomorrow would bring with it another clinic visit.
I woke up feeling rather groggy but ready to get going. Edward was in the shower so I went downstairs to make breakfast and then was going to hop in after him. Granted, there were other showers but I wanted to stick with my normal routine today, act like nothing had changed, and hopefully suppress the nerves.
Edward was his usual quiet and thoughtful self, like he always was on these days. He shut off his emotions and liked to care for mine. I think he felt really guilty about it all, especially how I had to go through all the treatments and he just sat back. That wasn't how I viewed his part in all this but still, that's how he viewed things. I saw him as my constant support system. He helped me handle my emotions.
When we arrived at the clinic and the doctor saw us I was told that for the next ten days I would have to come back to the clinic for a series of powerful injections. I would also have to undergo blood tests and vaginal ultrasound exams. These ultrasounds were to check on the follicle growth- which would ultimately lead to the eggs needed for fertilisation.
Edward and I went home, after I had the injection, and as I was feeling sluggish I headed straight to bed, leaving him to do what he wanted. When I woke around 3am the bed was still empty. Slowly peeling back the covers I got out and tiptoed downstairs, where the living room light was on and I could hear the sounds of the tv.
"You not coming to bed?" I asked, running my hands over his shoulders, standing behind the couch where he was sitting.
"Not yet," Edward answered, muting the television.
"Talk to me," I prompted, coming round and taking a seat beside him, curling my legs up under me.
"Alice has invited us out tomorrow evening for dinner. I said we'd go but now I'm not sure I want to."
"Why not?"
"All of this, I mean, the last two weeks have been particularly hard for you and now, going back and forth to the clinic every day is just draining, more so for you than me, yet it's my fault we're even there."
"It's not a fault Edward, how many times do I have to tell you? You didn't do this, you didn't pick this and you don't control this. We're just dealing with what we were given, what was out of our control so stop beating yourself up about it please."
"I try not to but it shouldn't be this hard," Edward said, his nostrils flaring as he tried to hold back tears. "I hate how you have to go through it all, I should take a brunt of this pain as well."
"You clearly are Edward, emotionally. Am I cut up about the situation we're in? Yes, I am. However, I know that when we get our baby, because we will get one, everything will have been worth it. Always remember that I love you. If I didn't, I certainly wouldn't be going through all this."
"I know, it just seems unfair that you have to be violated and go through all the invasive procedures, while I just have to jack off in a cup."
"Shush now, please. I don't have a problem with doing this. Is it tiring? Yes. Is it sore? Occasionally. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes."
"I guess that's all that matters then."
"Exactly." I leant up and kissed him on the cheek, caressing the other and his jaw with my hand. "We'll get there, trust me."
"What do I tell Alice tomorrow? Are we going tomorrow night or not?"
"I think we should. Our minds have constantly been on the IVF procedure that it will be good to have a little break from it. You know, relax and have fun again. It seems like lately all we ever do is talk about the clinic or the next injection and haven't taken time for us or our friends."
"It's easy to get bogged down, that's all."
"I know but maybe for the future we could try to lead our normal lives as well as going through fertility treatment. Think we can do that?"
"I'll certainly try."
"Thank you, that's all I ask. So where about are we going tomorrow?"
"Alice's house, she's cooking which will basically mean she's hired caterers." I chuckled and shook my head, taking Edward's hand. "What time will we have to be there?"
"Eh…well she finishes work around six o'clock so add on an hour and a half for her to get ready, then extra…I'd say we pitch up at around eight."
"Very well, now I'm going to head back to bed as I've got to return to the clinic in the morning. Will you be at work then?"
"No, I was going to go with you if that's okay?"
"Of course, that's fine. And are you coming to bed?"I asked, hoping that he would.
"Nah I'll come up shortly. Night," Edward said, kissing me softly and turned back to the television. Sighing I got up and returned to our bed, which was actually more like my bed now as Edward didn't seem to sleep in it.
I pulled the covers up over my body and brought Edward's pillow to me. I held it against my body and inhaled his scent. I loved Edward dearly, but I needed him to open up to me, let me in. This process was only going to get harder as time went on and if he kept shutting me out then we'd fall apart.
Infertility can break couples apart and now I knew why. I just hoped it didn't happen to us.
A.N.
Sorry, took me a long time to get this out. Thanks to all of those that offered up information and helped me. Despite trying to learn as much as I could I'm pretty sure I've made some mistakes so forgive me for that. Also I'm going from what is used in the UK- might be different elsewhere.