Give Me A Little Trust
Chapter Eighteen: Toothless Grin
Bella's POV
The following nine days of injections were just as horrific as the first two days. Edward was pulling away from me more and more and there was nothing I could do. I did suggest that he speak to someone about what we were going through and about his guilt, but he shook it off, claiming he was fine and that I should not worry. Of course, that was all I could do.
At some point though I had to put my worries for him aside and focus on myself. While being given the injections I needed to make sure I ate well, rested more, and had the opportunity to talk to someone about everything.
Angela came by several more times during that period, and we became much closer than what we were before, which was unusual as I did not think that it would be possible after us being friends for so many years. She helped me battle my worries for Edward and gave me a break from everything that was going on.
On the day that I stopped receiving the injections Edward was also told that he would need to stop masturbating for the next three days until he had given his sperm sample. That particular sample would be used, if there was any viable sperm, for the fertilisation of my eggs.
None of this was going to be a problem as he seemed to have no sexual drive at all. Though I could not blame him, I was not feeling particularly rambunctious recently either.
So today we were starting the next stage of IVF, the collection process. The two of us made our way back to the clinic, where I was growing tired of going, and sat patiently in the waiting room for us to be seen to.
"Miss Swan?" one of the nurses called.
Edward grabbed my hand and we followed her through the clinic where we were shown into one of the rooms. I was told to change into one of the gowns with nothing on my bottom half and to take a seat on the bed. I was then told to get comfortable and the procedure would begin.
"Right Bella, I'm going to give you a local anaesthetic in your vagina. You may feel some discomfort, but it shouldn't be painful. We'll use an ultrasound to guide us we insert a needle through the top of your vagina. This needle will extract the fluid in the follicles, taking the eggs as well," the doctor informed me.
I nodded, happy to know what was going to happen, despite it sounding awful. They at least explained it all to me, so I knew what to expect rather than going into this blind. I then sat back and waited for it to begin.
Like they said it was uncomfortable but not painful. The whole process took about half an hour, all the while Edward was holding my hand, occasionally kissing my knuckles. We could see the ultrasound screen so kept our eyes on that during most of procedure.
I found the whole procedure rather weird, especially knowing that this was the very start of how our baby was going to be conceived. Once it was done and I was cleaned up, the doctor turned to us to explain the next stage.
"Alright, the sample is going to be screened, to see if we have harvested any eggs. This might take a bit of time, but it's necessary. Anyway, you need to stay here and rest, then later we can talk about you going home. Edward, we need you to give a sperm sample right away. So, shall we go get that done?" He nodded and they both left as I lay back, closed my eyes and tried to relax.
Sometime later Edward came back in, looking just as tired as I felt. I had had a short nap but not long enough to fully satisfy the fatigue I felt. He leant over the bed and kissed me on the lips, his hand caressing my cheek.
"I love you, and I'm so thankful that you're doing this." I kissed him again and nodded.
"I love you too. Did everything go alright?" To be honest, I was worried about him performing. He seemed to be so wound up lately I would not have been surprised if he could not give a sample.
"Yeah, no bother. The doctor didn't want to disturb you, so I said I'd pass on the message, there were eggs in the fluid and now that they have my sperm sample, our eggs will be fertilised in about-" he looked at his watch, "eight hours."
"Eight hours and we might have the start of our baby?"
"Eight hours," Edward said, nodding. A small smile was playing on his lips, and it was the happiest I had seen him in ages.
I couldn't help but be filled with excitement too. Granted, I knew that they were not exactly implanted into me yet but fertilisation seemed the hard part, at least where Edward and I were concerned. Plus, with them fertilised, we were on our way to having a baby. It was like it was within grasping distance. We were one step closer to having our family.
"Can I go?" I asked, just wanting to leave and go sleep.
"I'm not sure yet. I'll go and find the nurse or doctor to check. I'll be right back." He kissed my forehead and headed out the door.
A few moments later the doctor came back in with Edward. Dr Chilton gave me a soft smile and motioned for Edward to sit down. Immediately my stomach dropped. It looked like he was going to give us bad news. I couldn't help but think he was going to say that the worst had happened, and that they were wrong, there were not any eggs or there were not any viable sperm in the sample Edward gave. It would mean we would have to go through it all again.
"Okay, well Bella I think you can go home now but in order for you to recover properly I suggest you refrain from intercourse for the next few days as it will be painful. After that it might feel okay, but it really depends on how fast your body heals. Just take it easy, that's all I would say." I nodded and knew that I had nothing to worry about.
Edward and I had no sex drive whatsoever. We would not have to worry about hindering my healing process as sex would not be happening any time soon. I had to get Edward to actually touch me for longer than a few seconds to make that happen.
"There is one thing I'd like to ask you both." Edward and I sat up a little straighter, curious as to what he was going to say. "There is a test called preimplantation genetic diagnosis. It screens your fertilised embryos before we implant them into your uterus. The test checks for genetic chromosome abnormalities that may lead to certain diseases or medical conditions once the baby is born. You need to make the decision, whether or not you would like to run this test or not."
"What would you recommend?" Edward asked, reaching for my hand.
"Well, from your family medical histories there is no reason to suggest that there would be any genetic abnormalities. However, we have this chance to be thorough and sure. If an embryo has a genetic chromosome abnormality then you can either decide to implant it as it is, fully aware of the complications that may arise, or you can have it destroyed."
"Destroyed?" I muttered, not liking the sound of that.
"Yes, destroyed." I turned to Edward to see him staring right back at me.
"Can you give us a minute?" He asked.
"Of course, I'll use this time to fill out your paperwork so you can go. I'll be at the front desk when you've made your decision." He gave us a nod and departed.
I let go of Edward's hand and slowly crawled out of bed. Edward handed me my clothing and helped me get dressed again. I was feeling a little woozy on my feet, which was to be expected. I was just exhausted from the procedure, nothing new.
"What are you thinking?" He asked, leaning against the bed.
"I'm not sure to be honest." And I wasn't. My brain was struggling to keep up with everything. The exhaustion was getting to me. We should have had this conversation before they harvested the eggs from me. I would have been able to concentrate then.
"I think we should do it, if only to be on the safe side. The doctor said it himself, there is no reason to suggest there would be any genetic abnormalities, so we have nothing to worry about."
"Then why do it?" I asked, moving across the room from him.
"Because if there is something wrong with one of the embryos we can take action." Take action, what an interesting choice of words. Taking action meant either destroying that embryo or implanting it and possibly having a baby with a disability or disease. Neither option was preferable.
Edward moved across the room to where I was. My back was to him and rather than turn me around, he wrapped his arms around my waist and leant his head onto my shoulder.
"I can tell you don't really like the sound of this, but I really do think it would be best. At least this way we wouldn't have to worry about something being wrong with our baby during the pregnancy." He spoke as though it was a sure thing the embryos would implant successfully.
"Okay," I muttered, seeing his side of it. It would calm our fears during the pregnancy, if there was going to be one this time around.
Edward gave me a little squeeze and kissed my cheek in thanks. Together we left the room and headed to the front desk where Dr Chilton was. Edward told him that we would go ahead with the Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis test.
"Alright then, I'll get that set up," Dr Chilton said, pleased. "You're due back in five days for the implantation process. But if anything comes up in the PGD then we'll contact you." We both nodded and singed some papers before leaving.
Five days. Five days until I would have the beginning of our baby inside of me. That thought alone brought a huge smile to my face. However, it was rather short lived. There was also the fear of what would happen if the embryos didn't implant themselves in my uterus. We would have to go through it again and that would be devastating. In all honesty, I do not think Edward and I would survive that.
Once we got to the car Edward drove us home. The first thing he did when we arrived was make a bed up for me in the living room. It was so I had the television to amuse me if I wished. When I was in the bed, he propped up the pillows behind me and moved the coffee table closer so I could reach it if need be. With me settled, he set about making lunch. I think he was trying to distract himself from what was going on. It seemed to be working so I wasn't going to fault him. Whatever kept his worries at bay was good enough for me. I know I would not be able to cope with Edward if he was freaking out. That wouldn't be doing anyone any favours.
Edward delivered my lunch on a tray and ate with me, the television on for background noise. Neither of us said anything, we just ate our food and pretended to watch whatever was on. It was as though the two of us were too nervous to voice what was officially happening now things were in motion. It wasn't that we regretted it, or I most certainly didn't, it was more the fear of what would happen if it failed.
After lunch Edward politely excused himself and headed off to his office. I knew he would eventually throw himself into his work. It was his way of coping with the stress. With him occupied, I settled down to have a nap, hoping to sleep my worries away.
When I awoke it was dark outside. I had literally slept the day away. Glancing around the room I noticed the television had been switched off and only a lamp was left on. The house was so silent I couldn't work out whether or not Edward was home. Getting up carefully I went to search for him but came up blank. His car was gone so I assumed he was out. It wasn't until I looked at the clock that I began to worry. It was just past midnight.
That shocked me as I couldn't believe I had been able to sleep so long without waking. Granted, the hospital appointment finished around mid-day, and I fell asleep at one o'clock but I should not have been able to sleep eleven hours uninterrupted. My body must have been more tired than I had originally thought.
I decided to wait up for Edward, to see how he was, so I made myself a sandwich in the meantime. After eating that in the kitchen, I returned to the living room and settled in the bed again, flicking on the television once more. I found a movie that was playing and kept it on that, if only to pass the time.
As each hour passed, I grew more and more anxious. The rational thing would have been to call him and find out where he was. But a part of me kept saying that it would probably be best to give him his space. After all, Edward was really struggling with the fact I had to go through everything. As long as he wasn't having second thoughts, I wouldn't panic. Or at least not yet anyway.
The sun came up just as I was falling asleep again, still no Edward. It wasn't until eight o'clock that evening did he return home. I had called him but his phone had been left in his office, and I even called all our friends but none of them had seen him. They were worried about his disappearance, and as I couldn't exactly tell them the truth I lied. I said that we had had a disagreement and Edward had stormed off, hoping he wouldn't mind.
When he finally did return though, I wasn't bothered about his feelings. I was hurt, he had cared so little about mine. He had up and left, no note or anything, while I was trying to recover properly from the collection procedure. What if I had needed him? What if something had gone wrong?
Edward froze in the hallway the second he spotted me. I was sitting in the kitchen, eating dinner alone, and had still been waiting for him. Taking in his appearance I saw he was haggard looking. His eyes were bloodshot and he had dark purple marks below them. I assumed he hadn't slept and had been crying. The fact that he had driven in that state worried me greatly and my anger lessened a little.
"Hi," he said, his voice sounding dry and croaked.
"Hi." I didn't know what to say. All day I had been planning things to say to him when I saw him again but right then, staring into his eyes, seeing the broken man he was, I couldn't think of any of them.
Edward walked over to me slowly and took a seat at the kitchen counter. He was still dressed in the clothes he wore to the clinic, but they were rumpled and creased.
When I made no effort to say anything he finally cleared his throat and spoke up. I was going to listen to him no matter what he had to say. I would not shut him down or yell at him, he was too fragile for that, and I couldn't understand why.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, swallowing loudly. "I…I think I need some help." That was music to my ears. I was desperate for him to get some help in dealing with this. It was the only way we would get through everything intact. "I keep everything bottled up and occasionally it just explodes. When I saw you sleeping earlier it all burst out, exploding from within me. I couldn't take it. I ran, hoping that it would go away, but it didn't, it came with me," he paused for a second and wiped his eyes. "Bella, I'm so scared if this doesn't work."
"Me too," I whispered, not wanting to startle him. Tears began to gather in my eyes but I didn't try and push them away. "But if it doesn't work, we can always try again." He nodded and rubbed his face.
"You forgive me, right?"
"For what?" I needed him to be specific. Knowing Edward, he wouldn't just mean for going missing for 24 hours.
"For being infertile." I reached out and took his hands.
"There is nothing to forgive. Don't worry. I don't blame you." He didn't seem appeased, but I really doubt he ever would be. "Now, I think in the morning we should start looking for someone to talk to about all this. It's too much for us both to handle and outside help would be good. Don't you think so?"
"I do. I see that now." Thank the lord for that.
"Good. Now come on, I'll make you some dinner."
When he wasn't in such a broken state we'd talk about why he ran from me. Although he explained it, I was still worried he may do it again. Although the man had his faults, I still loved him and would be devastated if he was to push me away. Hopefully, by getting some help the two of us would grow stronger as a couple and be able to cope with everything ahead of us. After all, in less than four days we would be back at the clinic for the implantation process.
It was all just a waiting game now.
Surprisingly, the following morning after Edward's return he had called a counsellor and set up some appointments. I had expected Edward to fight getting some help, but he seemed all for it and I couldn't be happier about that. I needed him to lose the guilt and grief, and focus on the journey ahead. It wasn't going to be an easy one, we both knew that.
The day before the implantation was due to take place Edward and I were a mess. We were like zombies, going through all the motions but not really feeling anything. The two of us were just numb from worry, excitement and fear. Rather than exhaust ourselves with those emotions, we shut ourselves down. It was the best way to handle it.
We tried to carry on like normal and succeeded a majority of the time. Neither of us were mentioning what was going to happen the following day as it would bring out the emotions we were trying so hard to block.
Edward had taken the day off from work, but I felt he shouldn't have. He was just making himself worse. By working he'd at least have something to concentrate on. By being home, all he could think about was what he didn't want to think about. It just made no sense to me. However, I wasn't going to fault him for this as I knew he was trying to be there for me.
It was just after noon when the phone rang, and at the time I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until Edward walked into the room twenty minutes later that I knew something was wrong. His numb facial expression was gone and in its place was one of fear and pain.
Something bad had happened.
"What is it?" I asked immediately.
Edward looked straight at me, but it felt like he was looking right through me. Walking into the kitchen he pulled out a stool and took a seat. All the while I was panicking on the inside. I needed him to tell me what the hell was going on immediately.
"That was one of the doctors on the phone, from the clinic," he began, looking down at the kitchen counter. "They found something."
"Found something?" I repeated, the worry straining through in my voice.
"A genetic condition." Edward lifted his head and his eyes held pure sadness. The instant he said those words I understood why though.
A genetic condition. That meant our baby was sick, or would be. They could be severely handicapped or disabled. It wasn't even in my bloody uterus yet and already things were going wrong. Why? For the love of God, why?! What did we do to deserve this? What did our baby do to deserve this?!?
"What genetic condition?" I asked, my voice now sounding hollow.
"It's called…eh...Spinal Muscular Atrophy- Type One. I think it's also called Werdnig-Hoffman disease."
I had never heard of it. From the look on Edward's face, I was guessing he was wishing he'd never heard of it either.
"What does that mean for our baby?" I asked, needing to know the answer to that all important question.
"It means that he would be born with a severe illness and, medically speaking, should be dead by the time he is 2 years old. Apparently 95% of these babies don't live past 18 months." I crumbled instantly.
I crumbled into the worktop, clawing at the counter and trying to catch my breath. Edward watched on in concern but was struggling too. He was fighting to keep a hold of all his emotions while I was just letting mine out.
Then I caught on something he said and had to rewind in my brain.
"He? You said he?" Edward nodded solemnly.
"They can tell what sex the baby is going to be by this stage."
We had a son, in a Petri dish, who was going to grow up to be sick, and die before he was two. I couldn't help but imagine a beautiful baby with bronze hair and brown eyes, smiling a toothless grin at his two parents.
"What do we do?" I asked, feeling emotionally drained, the image of the baby not leaving my mind.
"The doctor gave us the option of either leaving the embryo to be implanted or to have it destroyed."
Destroy it. Destroy our son. Destroy the bronze haired baby with brown eyes who was smiling a toothless grin at us. No. No way. I couldn't destroy my baby. Granted, he may only be an embryo in a Petri dish, but he had so much potential.
The potential to be sick and die at two.
No. I couldn't think like that. We would cherish him beyond belief. He would have an amazing life, even if it was short lived. He would know love like no other. Everybody deserved to experience love at some time in their life. And we would love him unconditionally.
Hell, if we had conceived normally then we wouldn't have a chance to destroy him. And I wouldn't. There was no way I was going to let Edward have him destroyed. He was my baby too and would be going into my body at the end of the day. If Edward wanted him destroy then we had a serious issue because I wasn't going to let that happen.
Would we reject him once he was born? Absolutely not. So will we reject him now? Absolutely not.
"A maximum of two embryos will be implanted tomorrow. We just need to decide whether or not we leave the embryo with the genetic condition in that mix. It may not get implanted tomorrow or it might. We won't know. But if we chose not to destroy it then we have to be prepared for that situation if it was to arise," Edward said stoically.
"What do you want to do Edward?" I asked, needing to know his thoughts on this matter.
"I can't destroy something that is a part of you and me, even if it is only seventy to a hundred cells in size." I relaxed instantly at his words and walked around the counter to him.
"I'm so relieved to hear that. I couldn't destroy this embryo, this baby. Our baby." Reaching out I hugged Edward and tucked my head into the crook of his neck. His arms came up and around me, giving me a soft squeeze.
"So we'll keep it and just be prepared?"
"Yes." I nodded against him and kissed his neck once.
"It may never be implanted, you know that though?"
"I'm aware. But still, I couldn't have it killed. We'd still love it."
"Of course we would. I better go call the clinic back." Edward untangled himself from me and left the room.
When Edward returned to the kitchen I kissed his cheek and thanked him for being understanding. There was still one question I hadn't asked and was dying to know the answer to.
"How did he get this genetic condition?" Edward pushed my hair behind my ear and held me close to him.
"We're both carriers of this condition. Any child we have has a one in four chance of having the same condition. It's all basic genetics. If we have a baby not affected by it then they're either a carrier or are lucky and it's not in their genes at all."
"So out of all the embryos why was only one affected?" From what Edward was telling me I felt that there should have been more.
"Well the embryos at the moment are currently in the blastocyst stage. It just generally means they've developed past 2 days. The majority of our embryos didn't develop to this stage unfortunately. So more could have been affected but we won't know as we can only do this test on them during the blastocyst stage."
"Does it make a difference, them being in this stage?"
"It's meant to be easier for the embryos to attach to the uterus ensuring a better success rate. The only down side is that some of the embryos don't develop to this stage. It just means if we need to go through this all again then we may need to do all the injections again."
I dreaded the thought of that. I was so happy to be shot of the injections. Going through that again would not be nice at all.
Somehow the two of us got through the rest of the day, but I don't know how we did. Rather than sleep I spent the night researching as much as I could on Spinal Muscular Atrophy- Type One, or rather Werdnig-Hoffman disease. I just had to learn about it. Plus, it wasn't like I was going to get any sleep if I had gone to bed.
Edward seemed to have done the same thing, stay up. This was made obvious by the heavy bags underneath his eyes. I didn't say anything of course, because I probably looked worse, and the two of us went on with our daily routine that morning like nothing was different.
By the time we got into the car my palms were sweating and my heart was racing. I could only imagine Edward was going through something very similar. There was silence, like always, on the way there but the second Edward took my hand when we walked into the clinic I knew we were okay. He was just mentally preparing himself as much as I was.
Together we entered the clinic, and I knew that no matter what happened, whether the IVF was a success or not, we'd stay together through it all. There was just no way this could beat us. I wouldn't let it. I wasn't going to lose that image of our little boy, toothless grin and all. We would make that happen no matter what.
A.N.
I just have to say a huge thank you to all of you for sticking with this. I am now back writing and this story is number one on my list. I have the next two chapters written and am in the middle of writing chapter twenty one. So hopefully updates will be roughly normal from now all. And major thanks to Lead69 for beta'ing this. Cheers for that!