Give Me A Little Trust
Chapter Twenty: The Two Week Wait
Bella's POV
Esme's presence in our house turned out to be a godsend. She ensured that I had no reason to be on my feet whatsoever, which Edward was very pleased about. I was also happy as I didn't want to take any risks. This baby meant the world to me, and I was willing to do whatever I could to ensure the IVF was a success, even if that meant remaining in bed for majority of the day.
In the mornings, Edward insisted that we shower together. He would wash me thoroughly. It was entirely innocent as sex was still prohibited. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on me. For the times we should have been having sex, we couldn't and now that we couldn't have sex when we wanted to.
Once showered, Esme would bring me breakfast and when Edward went off to work the two of us would settle into the bedroom. We would spend most of the day talking and discussing everything that had been going on.
Esme ensured that I wouldn't be doing any strenuous exercise to jeopardise the embryos and, as usual, I followed the daily routine of taking all the medicine I needed to. In the evening, Edward would come and work in the bedroom, spending time with me, and then at night he would sleep next to me, holding me in his arms.
Just before he settled down for sleep that night, he pushed the covers away from my flat stomach like the night before, and moved his head down so he was eyelevel with it again. Running my fingers through his hair, I watched as he kissed my skin and caressed my stomach.
"Hey guys, it's daddy again. How are you doing today? Please tell me the two of you are getting closer to implanting yourselves. Your mummy and I are desperate for you to implant yourselves. We still can't wait to see you. We need you here, we love you and we hope to see you in nine months time." He kissed my stomach again and then crawled up and kissed me.
"I know it's premature to get excited but I am. I'm excited," he whispered, kissing me once more. I couldn't help but return his cheeky grin with one of my own.
"I'm excited too."
"We're going to be parents," he murmured, looking dazed. "I just pray that this is successful."
"Me too," I muttered. "But we'll get there, I promise."
Edward smiled lazily at me and rolled over, his arm lying over my waist. I snuggled into his touch and said another silent prayer, begging God that the IVF was successful.
It was two weeks. Two weeks of waiting. We could manage.
After the first week things were getting stressful. We knew at this point that the embryos had implanted if they were to and now we just had to wait until we could take a pregnancy test. I was desperate to take one early and hope that it was positive but knew there was no point setting myself up for that fall.
Carlisle came back from his business trip and Esme returned back to her house. However, she still spent all her time with me during the day. As I knew my parents wouldn't be particularly happy with me having a baby, I was so happy to have Esme and Carlisle's support. They really were wonderful.
During the time Esme and I spent together, she asked me about my business, which I had put on hold after the fire at my house. She then encouraged me to start the business up again, but run it remotely. We went through everything from locations to staff in the span of three days and by the end of it I had my business back. Esme was going to oversee everything and make sure it was all going correctly while I was in bed. I couldn't thank her enough for that.
It finally felt like things were falling into place. Edward and I were back to being happy in love and starting our family, I had been welcomed into a great support group of our family and friends, and my business was coming together once again. It felt great.
On the tenth day after implantation, four days before we could take a pregnancy test, Alice invited us round again to her house. Edward wanted to cancel and keep me at home but I wasn't having any of it. By saying no we would just cause suspicion, because Alice knew that we had no plans that evening.
Esme said that I should give it a go, get out the house and enjoy life again. I was definitely looking forward to that. It wasn't that I hated staying in bed, it's just I wouldn't do it unless it was necessary. And in this situation it was. But by now I was sure it wouldn't be too bad for me to go to Alice's for dinner. After all, it's not like she has us running a marathon when we get there.
With Edward being calmed into submission the two of us got ready to go see our friends. I was hoping that this evening was going to go better than the last one, where I collapsed due to the IVF treatment.
"Bella, you know we don't have to go," Edward said, coming to stand behind me. His arms snaked around my waist and his hands rubbed my stomach. I was looking straight at him in the reflection of the full length mirror where I was standing in front of. "We can stay here, make a night of it."
I rolled my eyes as he attempted to dazzle me.
"We're going. I want to see our friends." He began to frown, but it ceased when I placed my hands over his. "Don't you think the embryos should get to meet our friends and their Aunt?"
He smirked at me and shrugged.
"Just promise me that if it becomes too much, you'll tell me."
I nodded and leant back into his hold. "Of course I will. I want these babies as much as you do. If I start to feel different in any way we'll come right home."
"Thank you," he whispered, kissing my head.
Stepping away from Edward's embrace, I surveyed myself one last time in the mirror. Edward looked smart but casual in his shirt and slacks so to keep in tone with him I decided to wear a simple black skirt, white blouse and matched it up, with Esme's help, with tasteful jewellery that wasn't too much and a decent pair of heels. I was making an effort for Alice as she had kindly asked us to dress rather smart.
Happy with my appearance, I gazed in the mirror and looked at Edward. He was putting on his watch, oblivious to me watching him. Looking down at my stomach, I couldn't help but hold back a squeal. He was perfect and just the right man to have children with. Just thinking that I could be pregnant at that exact moment made me giddy.
Together we left the house, with me hiding my excitement. Four days was barely anything, though I knew from waiting the last ten it was going to feel like forever. But that didn't matter; we were so close to being pregnant.
When Edward parked the car outside of Alice's house, I knew that I was going to have to conceal my joy unless I wanted them to ask questions. Despite telling Esme and Carlisle we were not ready to tell our friends about the IVF process and our need to have a baby. It wasn't that we didn't trust them, we just didn't want to burden them with the issues we were going to face along the way, especially if it wasn't successful.
Rather than ring the doorbell, Edward just let us on in and we followed the laughter through the house to find everyone in the living room at the back. Alice jumped up upon seeing us and launched herself at me. Edward must have been expecting something like that as he intercepted her, taking the force of her body hitting against him hard. If she had hit me like that it could have been bad.
"Gosh Alice, calm it down a bit, let us get settled before you tackle us," Edward said, chuckling as he hugged his sister. I could tell however that he was worried about me being hugged that way. He was trying to protect the embryos. It may have sounded stupid but we had no idea what could be bad for them therefore weren't going to take any chances. For all we knew, a simple knock could lower the success rate. We just weren't going to take the risk.
"That hug was meant for Bella, I see you nearly every day at the office," Alice began, hugging her brother regardless.
Once freeing herself of him I walked closer to her, so she didn't have the opportunity to 'tackle' me as Edward had put it.
"It's so good to see you," she murmured, pulling back from the hug. "We've missed you. Where have you been?"
"I've had the flu and have been resting," I lied as I took a seat next to Jasper. He gave me a one armed hug and kissed my cheek.
"Looking good darling, can hardly tell you've been ill," he said, ruffling my hair.
"Edward and Esme have been taking great care of me," I replied, smiling affectionately at Edward. He smiled back, his gaze slowly travelling down to my stomach. His smile increased and he gave me that little smirk I loved so much. His eyes were practically alight from excitement.
There was only four days to go until we could take a pregnancy test. And I was so excited, just like him.
"Alright, well now that everyone is here, can we eat?" Emmett asked, raising his eyebrows in question. Rose rolled her eyes but smirked, taking Emmett's hand.
"Absolutely. Oh, and this time, Jasper and I didn't burn dinner, you'll all be happy to hear."
We all chuckled and stood up, following Alice to the perfectly set out dining table.
Edward pulled out my chair for me and let me slip on in, tucking it in as a sat down. I sent him a thankful smile and turned to see Emmett and Jasper doing the same for Rose and Alice. My friends would never have done that before. Edward's good manners were rubbing off on them.
Before Jasper took a seat he fetched the starter and served us. Alice was going to get back up and help but he kissed her cheek to silence her, shaking his head as he pulled away. She was putty in his hands and practically melted into the chair. I was sure Jasper could have asked her anything at that point and she would have said yes.
Chancing a look at Edward, I expected to see a glare directed at Jasper but he was just smiling lightly down at his napkin. I could tell he was happy for his sister. He had admitted that he hated Alice dating, but he said if anyone was good enough to deserve her, it was Jasper. That made me so proud of him. He wasn't going to be the overbearing brother but rather accept that she was happy and let her enjoy her relationship without any interference from him.
Starter was served and we all tucked in. Alice and Jasper had outdone themselves. It seemed as they spoke about what we would be getting for the remainder of the meal. The pudding they spoke of sounded delicious, and I was so tempted to ask them to serve that before our main course.
During our main course, which was as delicious as it sounded, Emmett cleared his throat and captured everyone's attention. He reached over and took Rose's hand, which was sitting opposite him, and then turned back to us, smiling brightly.
"I just wanted to say that I am happy to declare that Rosie and I are now dating. I know, I know, it's been a long time coming but as our friends I wanted to announce it," Emmett said, grinning. "So that means lots of walking in on inappropriate moments and shameless displays of affection. Just get used to it!" he declared. We laughed and shook our heads at him, happy for them.
That seemed to be the common theme of the evening: happiness. We were all so happy and I loved it. Alice and Jasper were so in love it was unreal and the happiness shone from them when they were together. Emmett and Rose looked full of excitement for the new relationship ahead. And Edward, well, Edward was practically beaming. He was so pleased about the IVF and how things were going between us that I was overwhelmed with how much I loved him.
Feeling a little emotional, I coughed quietly and placed my napkin down next to my plate. Alice turned to see if I was okay as I placed my hand at the bottom of my neck.
"Do you might if I just excuse myself for a moment?" I asked, gaining Edward's attention.
"Are you okay?" he asked, worry and concern deep within his eyes.
"I'm fine; just want to nip to the bathroom. If that's okay?" I finished, turning back to Alice.
"Of course it is, on you go."
Nodding my thanks, I left the table.
Her bathroom was perfectly in tune with the rest of the house, which didn't surprise me. After all, it was Alice. I doubted that she had a single belonging that didn't match her home.
I shut and locked the door behind me before walking over to the toilet. I figured while I was in the bathroom composing myself I may aswell relieve my rather full bladder. I pulled my skirt up and hooked my fingers in the band of my underwear then pulled them down, taking a seat on the toilet while doing so. All at once I froze.
Red on white. That's all I could see. Red on white.
I couldn't breathe, I could barely see and what little I could was focused on the harsh red against the innocent white. Red staining white. Blood staining cotton. My period staining my underwear.
We had failed.
I had failed.
Heavy sobs rocked my body as I struggled to contain the tears. The familiar sensation of saliva filling my mouth told me I was going to vomit. Without evening thinking I stood up and emptied my stomach contents into the toilet bowl. I couldn't stop dry heaving after my stomach was empty. It was just too much. I couldn't cope with the emotional pain and I was handling it the only way I knew how; by breaking down.
Knocking at the door, I could hear Edward frantically asking if I was alright. Alice's concerned voice was also coming through. There was no way I was going to explain the situation to her, not when I was in such a mess.
"Edward, I just want to see Edward," I croaked out, my throat sore from the dry heaving.
"Okay, Bella, but I'm here if you need me," Alice said.
"She's gone, Bella, now please, I beg of you, unlock the door."
I stood up and unlocked the door for him then walked away from it.
I was too despondent to care about modesty and just sat on the toilet, underwear down by my ankles. Edward opened the door after and second and locked it behind him before turning to me.
"What is it? What's wro-" he cut off abruptly, eyes down on the floor, on the blood of our failure, my failure. "Oh God," he whispered, running a hand through his hair, tears forming in his eyes.
My sobs continued as I buried my head in my arms. I was ashamed and didn't want him looking at me. I had failed us. My body was meant to get pregnant. There shouldn't have been any blood. There shouldn't have been anything. I should have peed and then joined everyone back at the table, not shattered to pieces.
Edward was rubbing his eyes and looking lost when I glanced up at him. He was just as broken as me, if not more so. We had so much hope and it was all gone. The dry heaving began again and Edward looked alarmed. He rushed to me and knelt down on his knees, so he was eye level with me. His hands caressed my head and cheeks as he tried to get me to calm down.
"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay," he kept repeating, trying to convince himself rather than me.
"How is it okay? I failed," I cried, looking into his dejected eyes that were filled with nothing but sadness.
"No, no you didn't. The doctor said we should wait it out and be sure. You could be pregnant. We shouldn't worry." Although he was trying so hard to make me believe him it was obvious he didn't buy a word of it either.
We both knew in that moment that the IVF had failed. The harshness of the blood seemed fitting. We were both wounded and bleeding, down and out. It was only fair one of us had the blood to prove it.
Wiping the tears off my face Edward kissed my forehead and then down to my cheeks.
"Let's go home, okay?"
I nodded and tried to get some form of composure. In the car and at home I could break down and really fall apart. Right now, I had to get out of Alice's house.
"I'll go and tell them you're sick and we'll leave. Give me a moment." He kissed my cheek once last time and left the bathroom.
I could hear him talking to the group as I pulled my underwear back up and flushed the toilet. I took some toilet paper and with some water I wiped down the seat from any other bits of vomit that were there. I couldn't leave Alice's bathroom in a mess, no matter how much of a mess I was.
Edward gently knocked at the door again and poked his head round. He helped me put my coat on and we walked hand in hand through the house. I gave a teary goodbye to everyone, saying that the tears were from being sick and nothing to worry about. It was the flu, which was all.
The car ride home was silent, both of us consumed in our thoughts. We entered the house in silence, the severity of the situation kicking in. We got changed and ready for bed in silence, feeling hopeless. And that night, Edward didn't speak to my stomach. His silence was enough. There was no baby. There was no one there to talk to.
I cried, and cried and wept and sobbed until I couldn't think straight. Edward held me, his tears mixing in with mine, as we cried ourselves to sleep. We were physically together but that night we were so far apart emotionally.
Edward was crying for the loss of a baby, cementing his believe that he was not destined to be a father. And I was crying for the baby I never had as my body let me down. I was crying for my failure. The only trouble we should have had was with Edward, my body was meant to be fine. There was no reason for me not to be pregnant.
The following day was numb. I barely left the bed. I just couldn't face the day. The tears wouldn't stop and when they did it was due to pure exhausted and I had cried myself to sleep. I was a mess. I was worse than a mess as a mess could be cleaned up. I couldn't. I was broken, beaten, shattered, burnt, destroyed, smothered, and lost.
Edward on the other hand seemed to be living in a zombie state. The lights were on but no one was home. That morning he had gotten up, showered and headed off to work, all without saying a word. I suspected he was blocking the pain out, which would just be worse in the long run, but there was nothing I could do. There were no words I could say to soothe him as there were no words to soothe me.
Just like usual, Esme came over. She obviously was completely unaware of the development, or lack of, in the IVF treatment as she came in the bedroom smiling widely as always. Taking one look at me though she knew. She knew we had failed. She knew I had failed.
Together we cried, weeping the child and grandchild we would not see in nine months time.
Esme held me like a mother held her child, soothed me like a mother soothed her child and loved me like a mother loved her child. She held me safe in her arms and let me fall apart, only to try and build me back up again. I wondered if I would ever do that. Would I ever get to hold my child? Would I ever get to soothe my child? Would I ever get to love my child? The cramps of my period told me that no, I wouldn't get to do any of those things, at least not in the next nine months like we had hoped.
Even though I wanted to wallow in a pit of misery and never leave the bedroom Esme wasn't having it. She dragged me downstairs and fed me up good, insisting that I still needed to eat. As much as I didn't want to and despite feeling sick I just couldn't say no to her. She had been amazing and I wasn't going to shun any of her love and support.
So we ate, I slept, and then Edward came home early from work. He saw his mother in the living room with me and just broke down in the hall, falling to his knees, and running his hand through his hair. Before I could move Esme was up off the couch and cradling Edward to herself.
"We were so close," he mumbled into her hug, clutching at her like she was his lifeline.
Seeing him so broken, because of me, was heartbreaking. We should have been counting down another day until we could take a pregnancy test today, not weeping over the embryos that failed to implant. Weeping over the babies we failed to make. The babies I failed to make.
"You can always try again," Esme said, gently caressing Edward's head and clutching her eyes shut tightly. She was fighting the emotions back as well.
This was why we couldn't tell our friends.
Looking at the pain Esme was in over the IVF having failed was too much. I could not cope with having to put Jasper, Emmett, Rose and Alice through that too. No, I wouldn't do that to them. They should be spared from the pain. Enough of us were already hurting. And my God were we hurting.
Edward pulled away from his mother's embrace and slowly made his way over to me, still on his knees. He moved round the couch until he was directly in front of me, eyes red and puffy from the tears, hair a mess from Esme's gently soothing, and a broken heart from me not being pregnant.
"I'm so sorry," he whimpered, lifting his hands up to caress my face. "I'm so sorry for putting you through this." I took a deep breath and shook my head, smiling sadly through the tears.
"I want this too Edward, don't forget that. And we'll do it again and again until we get our baby."
"You promise?" he whispered, silent tears falling down his cheeks.
"I promise. We'll be parents. We'll bring our baby home to this house together," I whispered back, letting my tears fall too.
Edward leant his forehead against my own and kissed my wet cheeks. Then he knelt back and lowered his head into my lap, his eyes directly across from my stomach. "Next time, next time you'll be successful. Your mummy and daddy won't give up." He kissed my stomach over my top and nuzzled into it, sobs wracking his body.
Esme left us soon after, bidding us goodbye and saying how much she loved us. Then we settled down onto the couch, in silence, holding one another. Edward caressed my hair as I snuggled into his chest and listened to his heartbeat. As the night grew darker we remained on the couch, not getting up to turn the lights on and relying on the one in the hall to light up the room enough for us.
The steady thump of his heart calmed me down considerably and although I was in an unreal amount of emotional pain I could finally process my thoughts. It wasn't nice at all. I kept getting images of the beautiful bronze haired boy with brown eyes and that toothless grin and it killed me.
Silence filled the following days. There was nothing to be said. We both were grieving the babies we never had in the first place. To make matters worse, on the fourteenth day I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. Well, actually I took three to be one hundred percent sure. I knew they were going to be negative but still, it hurt reading the big fat negative signs glaring back at me from the tests.
My wounds had been reopened with that and I felt the familiar pain from when I was in Alice's bathroom and had seen the blood of my period. I knew I shouldn't have taken them but I just had to be sure. I had to know for a fact that I wasn't pregnant.
Although I could have waited two more days for the proper blood test to come back, I didn't want to. I had to know on the fourteenth day. If I had been pregnant the tests would have picked up on it. This just meant I wasn't going to be hugely disappointed when the blood work came back and told me I wasn't pregnant, or so I had hoped.
That wasn't the case though. On the sixteenth day after implantation Edward and I went back to the clinic, looking almost as miserable as we felt. We held hands and comforted one another but the dark cloud of grief was still looming over us, blocking out all thoughts of happiness. What was there to be happy about?
When the doctor confirmed that I was indeed not pregnant, like we knew, I still couldn't stop the tears. Edward held me to his chest and let me cry, frowning in sadness along with me. Dr Chilton looked as unhappy as we did and when I had finally composed myself again we sat down to go through the options once more.
"I'm so very sorry," he said, looking at us both. "Sometimes it just doesn't work and we don't know why. There's no way to explain it. Physically, Bella, you are able to carry a baby and there shouldn't be a problem but as always the chances of IVF vary. Implantation is the hardest part."
"Where do we go from here?" Edward asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"The two of you need to decide if you wish to try again, but that's not something you have to decide today."
"No," I said, gripping Edward's hand. "We want to try again." I looked over at Edward for confirmation and he nodded.
"Right, okay. Then we suggest you wait at least a month before we start back up again. You can take as long as you need. Majority of patients take roughly two months and then start. Each couple is different though. What I suggest, if you are unsure, is to book an appointment for a month's time and then one the following month. That way you can decide what is best and cancel the appointment you don't need. If after two months you want more time, that's fine too."
"What about natural conception?" I asked, not wanting to waste two months of trying to conceive.
"Well, your chances are slim but technically it is still possible. Would you like pamphlets on trying to conceive naturally?"
I nodded and Dr Chilton began fetching them out his desk drawers.
"These tell you a lot about what you need to know and things to look out for to tell you when best to try. Of course, due to Edward's low sperm count you do have to keep in mind you can do this all perfectly and you may still not conceive a child."
"We understand." And we did. After all, we had done the IVF perfectly and yet there was still no child.
Dr Chilton did his best to keep our spirits up and answer all our questions before we left. He really was trying hard for us and although it was his job we were still very thankful. It seemed like he genuinely cared, whereas I was worried we would have a doctor who didn't give a damn whether or not we got pregnant just as long as he kept getting paid.
Holding the pamphlets securely in my hand, we headed out to the reception and made our next appointments. Edward thanked the receptionist before we headed on out to the car, hand in hand. He opened the door for me and shut it behind me then walked round to the driver's side.
We sat in the car for a second, in silence, engine off. I turned to him, looking at his perfect profile and smiled sadly.
"So you up for trying natural conception?" I asked, reaching for his hand.
"A month full of sex?" he asked, smiling a little.
"Yep," I replied, smiling back at him.
"You bet I'm up for that." I chuckled and bit my lip, grinning at him.
We were both in pieces but this was our way of trying to smooth things over, to pick up those pieces and put one another back together. We weren't going to give up, that was for sure. We just had to keep trying. IVF had failed, well then we were back to the natural way to conceive and seeing as I hadn't had sex with Edward since before the IVF started, months ago, I was happy to ignite our physical relationship once again.
Turning on the engine the car roared to life. Edward kissed the back of my hand and then kissed the palm of his, placing it on my stomach.
"One day, one day our baby will be in there, and we'll be the luckiest parents in the world."
I nodded and smiled, trusting his words with every ounce of my being.
"Let's go home," he said, sighing sadly but still keeping that small smile on his lips. "Tomorrow is another day. We'll get there eventually."
And we would. I just knew we would.
A.N.
I kinda forgot I had written this and it has been sitting in a folder for months, so sorry about that. Thankfully you didn't have to wait any longer for it as the amazing MrsKatyCullen beta read it. Major thanks to her!