Well what do you know? Another Friday is upon us, which means it's time for another update. I feel like I should apologize for this one, because it's another sad chapter.

Anyways...hope you all enjoy (and I hope you enjoyed that surprise early update of chapter 4!)

She swore to wait for his return.

She vowed her heart would always be his.

I Will Wait

Chapter 5: Long as the day in the summer time...

Five Years Missing

2350 June 8

Five Years. That's how long it's been. That's how long Rilian has been missing. Five years. And still I think of him often. Still, I dream of him. Still, I remember our time together as though it were only yesterday. Will I ever forget? Will the pain ever diminish? Will the hole he left ever be fully filled?

I don't think it will.

Most days I can hide my pain and conceal my hurt. Most days. But some days, days like today, the pain is just too much, and I'm too weak to fight it. Today I feel ill and sick to my stomach. Today I have cried. Today I am crying. And today I am sure I will cry some more. It's been months, maybe even a year, since I've cried this much. But I can't stop the tears.

Five years. Today. He left. Five years ago on this very day, Rilian rode out of my life. Out of my life, but not out of my thoughts or my heart.

Some days, when I feel cruel, I wish he would leave altogether. Sometimes I wish I could forget him entirely. I wish I could take my heart back and wrap it in cold stone so that I'd never have to feel the sting of loss again. But then I realize, it was never my heart to begin with. It was his, and he held complete control over it, just as I held control over his heart.

My heart was always his; from the day we met in the alley it was his; though, I didn't know it, and I wouldn't admit it if I did. It was his. I truly began to lose possession of my heart on the voyage home. Though the Majestic was the largest ship in Narnian history, it was still a ship. There weren't many places to go and we were stuck on it for three weeks. Those were three weeks I spent reconnecting with Rilian and, unknowingly, falling in love with him.

I had told him before we left that he hadn't changed since the days of our childhood. That was a lie. Well, perhaps not a lie but a misconception. I hadn't yet seen just how he had changed. Though his self-confidence could sometimes be perceived as arrogance, I knew it was really just a mask to cover his deep insecurities. I don't know why I was the only one who could see his mask so clearly; perhaps it was because I wore a similar mask. And just as I could see his, he could see mine.

We both had parents and family who were held in high regard amongst the Narnian people. His parents were King and Queen, and his sister was the Naiad Princess. His dad had overcome great adversity, fighting against his own family to free the Narnians from persecution. He had sailed to the very eastern edge of the world and stood not twenty paces from Aslan's Country. His mother had sacrificed much for her country and her people over the years.

My parents and my grandparents were considered the best friends of the King and Queen. My grandfather had joined the King on his great voyage to rescue my grandmother who had been taken by an evil force. After succeeding, my grandmother and grandfather (and my mother too) journeyed to Narnia where my grandfather eventually became a high ranking lord who served on the King's Council. And my grandmother became the Queen's Lady. Eventually my mother became the Queen's Lady too to help my grandmother before taking over completely. My father, though he was from Archenland and not a native of Narnia, was a Knight of Narnia and ranked very high in the King's army. It is likely he would have been granted lordship had he not died in the search for Rilian.

The point of my ramblings is simply this, we both had great families and therefore were expected to be great ourselves. It was a lot of pressure to bear, and I know Rilian had deep fears about failing. I saw them easily. Before our voyage home was even half complete I saw the truth. It wasn't hate which caused Rilian's resentment towards his father, it was fear. Fear of failing to be the king he was expected to be. Fear of failing to be the king his father was.

I was afraid of failing too. I never would have admitted it then, and if you confronted me with it even now I'd likely deny it outright; I didn't want anyone to think me weak. That's why Rilian and I were so strong together. We had the same fears and wore the same mask. We didn't have to hide anything when we were together; we were simply free to be ourselves. Free from all pressures. Free from all fears.

Yes. By halfway through the voyage I knew the truth of Rilian, and by the time we neared the Narnian shore I was well on my way to falling in love with him. Then, when we actually reached the shoreline, that was all threatened to fall apart. I was faced with one large, complicated obstacle.

Lorna.

My younger sister, the only sister I had, the sister who (according to Rilian and as I quickly discovered for myself) completely admired me, fancied the man I was falling in love with. Lorna not only fancied Rilian, she was certain that he fancied her too, or at least he would…one day. Lorna was ten when I returned to Narnia, the same age I was when I decided to stay in Narrowhaven and, coincidently, the same age my mother was when she and my grandparents moved to Narnia. And Lorna, like I was and like our mother was when we were ten, was itching for an adventure. Our mother found her adventure in moving to a new place. I found my adventure in moving to a new place. My sister could not move, so she searched for her adventure in love.

How could I crush her hopes by telling her that I fancied Rilian and that he returned my feelings? I couldn't tell her, and therefore Rilian and I had to keep our relationship a secret. All the sneaking around was difficult, but it was exhilarating!

XOXOX

2343 November 23

I carefully picked my way through the thicket, being careful not to set the bush on fire with my candle. I broke through at last and my feet sunk into the soft sand.

"Sorry I'm late, I…" I trailed off as I looked around the secluded section of beach. I was alone. Where was he? He was always on time. Had he forgotten?

Suddenly I heard a stirring behind me. It was a silent footstep and the sliding of metal. I felt my blood run cold. Had someone found our place? Had they already taken Rilian out and now they were coming for me? Thankfully I had decided to carry the candle in my left hand as a precaution, so my right was free to grab the sword at my side; I had brought it along as a safety measure too. Slowly I moved my hand to the hilt and listened carefully. I could almost hear the arm rise behind me and I knew that whoever was back there was about to attack; acute hearing was a skill my father had passed down to me.

Quickly, smoothly, and using the training my father had taught me I pulled my sword from its sheath, spun around, and blocked the blow that was coming towards me…all without putting out the flame of my candle. I paused briefly to study my opponent in the candle light.

"Rilian! What are you doing?"

He laughed and lowered his sword. "I'm ashamed of you, Penelope. You hesitated after blocking my attack. I could have been some ruffian coming to kidnap you, and I would have succeeded."

I moved my sword too, but I directed at his neck instead of putting it away like he had. "Would not," I protested stubbornly.

Rilian laughed again as he gently pushed my blade down. "Would so. What would Sir Orlich think if he knew his daughter hesitated in a fight?"

I sheathed my sword. "I didn't hesitate, Rilian. I knew it was you; that's why I didn't attack back." Yes. That was a lie, but I wasn't about to let him know that.

"Did you now?" He of course wasn't buying my lie a bit.

"Yes, of course I knew it was you. A ruffian wouldn't have been so loud."

"Loud? Me? You're the one who was clamoring about in the thicket. I heard you coming ten minutes ago. That was plenty of time for me to hide and sneak up on you. Admit it, Penelope. You were frightened."

"Never."

"Admit it."

"I will not. I fear nothing."

He smirked. "Admit it. I got you."

"You…I… What…" I was flustered. "Fine. I admit it—"

"Yes!"

"—I admit, that sometimes I let you think you get the best of me to keep you intact. Your pride can only handle so many blows."

"You are unbelievable, and impossible. Sometimes I wonder why I spend so much time with you."

He moved in closer and grabbed my right hand, which still rested on my sword. He rubbed his thumb over it several times before raising it a little and gently placing his lips on the back it. My breath caught in my throat, my stomach turned jittery, and the beats of my heart quickened, just as they did every time his lips touched my skin. His lips stayed on the back of my hand for several seconds and I closed my eyes to savor their feel, trying to imagine what they would feel like on my lips instead of my hand. He pulled his lips away and my hand suddenly felt cold at their loss. I opened my eyes slowly.

"I am glad you made it at last," he said softly. I still hadn't yet regained the ability of speech so I simply nodded my head. "Why were you late?"

"Lorna," I said with a sigh.

"Lorna? How did she hold you up? She's only ten," he said as he took my candle and led me to a small blanket on the beach where we sat down.

"Yes, she is only ten, but as I recall I was only ten when I stayed in Narrowhaven. And when I decided to stay there was nothing that could sway me otherwise. You were not joking when you said she completely admired me. She will not leave my side. She must know about everything I do at every moment of the day. Don't misunderstand me, Rilian, please. It is very sweet, but it is also overbearing and a bit suffocating."

"Suffocating? Really? Well perhaps you would find it easier to get away if you told your family about us. We wouldn't be restricted to see each other under cover of night. We could be together during the day, and then I would be free to look upon your…"

He tucked my hair behind my ear to find me eyeing him curiously.

"…your not so beautiful face in the light." His hand dropped abruptly.

I smiled. "You're learning quickly, my Prince."

"Yes, well, one can only make the mistake of calling you beautiful so many times before his…pride takes a great blow."

I nudged him lightly with my shoulder. "I've told you why we can't tell anyone."

"Right, because of Lorna."

"Yes, because of Lorna. She fancies you, Rilian. No. She more than fancies you. She could sit and talk about you for hours. She believes that one day you will return her feelings and that the two of you will be married. She even has the names of your children picked out."

"What? The names of our children?"

"Yes, your children, Rilian." He laughed loudly and ran his hands through his hair. "If it's any consolation, you have a rather large family."

"Oh? Do we?"

I nodded. "It's kind of…"

"Mental?"

"Don't talk about my sister like that!"

He laughed some more. "You're right. I shouldn't talk about Lorna like that. I'm sorry."

"It is a bit silly though." I laughed. "I can't tell her about us, Rilian. It would crush her, and I can't be the reason she's in such pain. We can't tell her, Rilian. We can't tell anyone. Not yet anyways."

"Not even my mother?" he asked. I bit my lip and gave him an apologetic smile as I shook my head no. Rilian sighed heavily.

"I do not like lying to her, Penelope," he said. "I do not like it at all. Actually, I think it is against the law to lie directly to the King or Queen."

I gave his hand a gentle squeeze; he had not released it since kissing it.

"I think she suspects. She has not said anything about it, yet, but with her it is only a matter of time. And when the time comes I do not want to lie to her."

"Then don't," I said.

"But you just said…"

"I said I didn't want to tell anyone about us. But if your mother asks if there is a girl you may feel free to tell her there is. You need not give a name to said girl though."

"So you're saying it is alright for my mother to know that I am in a courtship so long as she does not know who I am courting?"

I thought about what he said to make sure it was correct before replying. "Yes."

"But if people know that you too are in a secret courtship, will they not see the connection?"

I shrugged. "You might be surprised, Rilian. People do not always see the obvious solution."

XOXOX

2350 June 8

We both lay back on the blanket after that to watch the stars and talk as we usually did. Rilian brought my hand to his lips a few times sporadically; each kiss had the same affect on me as the first one. The feeling was very strange, great but strange, and I'd never felt anything like it before. If that was the sensation I got from a simple kiss on the hand I could only imagine how spectacular it would be when he finally kissed my lips.

Unfortunately I had to wait another four and a half months to find out. Of course, I could have kissed him first, and there were very many times when I nearly did. I knew though, that he would not have wanted that right taken from him; so I waited, and I'm glad I did. I wouldn't have changed anything about how or when it actually happened.

XOXOX

2344 April 12

It was my birthday, my seventeenth birthday. We were on the beach at night in the same spot, the spot that we had come to call ours. It was just beginning to turn warm enough to sneak out at night again; the cold winter months had been difficult, and if we did sneak out it wasn't for long. We were lying on the beach as usual. My feet were going down the beach in one direction and his in the other so that our heads were next to each other. As he had with my hand, he would turn his head and kiss my cheek every so often. My cheeks would burn and my heart would flutter.

When we decided we had been out long enough we got up and folded the blanket. I would always leave first and he would follow soon after to keep an eye on me. He kissed me twice as he had been doing, first on the hand then on one of my cheeks. I said goodnight and turned to leave, but he didn't let go of my hand. I turned around to see what was going on and he stepped in closer; he stood closer than he ever had before. I swallowed hard somehow knowing, or maybe I was just hoping, that this was it.

"I want to kiss you," he said very softly. I thought of pointing out that he already had, but he continued before I could say anything.

"Not here…" He kissed my hand again. "Nor here…" He kissed my cheek again. "I want to kiss you here…" He raised his finger and placed it gently on my lips. Then his water blue eyes locked with mine, and he asked, "May I?"

My breath caught in my throat. My heart ran wild. My head was screaming 'Yes! Yes! Yes!' But I struggled to form the word with my lips. Finally, after what felt like several long minutes to me, I was able to verbalize my response. It was soft, barely above a whisper. I hardly heard it myself, but I saw my acceptance in his eyes and the corners of his mouth lift in a smile.

Slowly his head came closer to mine. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears as I waited to feel his lips. I don't know why I felt so nervous or jittery. I had kissed a boy before—not counting the kiss Mikael gave me in the alley—and I had been waiting months for this moment. So why was I so nervous about it now?

His nose brushed against mine. I stopped breathing. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the world spinning around me. And then it happened. His lips were on mine. Softly. Tenderly. The sensation was unlike anything I ever could have imagined. My entire body swelled with heat. My heart beat rampantly. Even with my eyes closed I saw bright bursts of light flashing wildly. My knees began to tremble and I couldn't stand. I placed my hands on his shoulders, and whether I stepped in closer or if I just fell into his chest I honestly don't know, but I was there; his arms wrapped around my back and held me upright.

The kiss was too short and yet it couldn't have been longer. He pulled back ever so slightly and rested his forehead against mine. We stood there like that for awhile. I was wrapped in his arms; our noses were touching, and our lips hovered over each other's. We breathed in deeply and we smiled.

"I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to ask to do that," I said.

"I'm surprised you just didn't do it for me," he replied.

"I wanted to," I admitted. "But I'm glad I didn't."

"I'm glad you didn't either. Goodnight, Penelope."

"Goodnight, my Prince."

He kissed me softly again before I unwillingly took a step back to separate us. I really didn't want to, but I turned and began to pick my way through the thicket with my candle.

XOXOX

2350 June 8

Thinking of Rilian and remembering our first kiss did nothing to make me feel better. When I think about that night I can still feel his lips pressed gently against mine, and the pain of losing him is restored. A fresh wave of hurt washes over me and with it comes tears. I didn't even hear the knocking on my door until Lorna walked in.

"Nellie?" Lorna has always called me Nellie, and she's the only one I let get away with it. "Nellie what is it?"

I couldn't even stop crying long enough to answer her.

"It's Rilian, isn't it?"

Turns out I don't have to answer her. She already knew.

"Oh Nellie," Lorna said with a sigh. Then my seventeen year old sister crawled into bed with me; I curled into her as she wrapped her arms around me and held me. Lorna offered no words of comfort; she simply held me and ran her fingers through my hair as I wept. Eventually, I stopped crying long enough to fall asleep.

I told you it was sad. :(

Please help me. I added in dates (year, month, and day) to each of the chapters. Most chapters will have multiple dates. The dates either correspond with when Penelope is narrating, or when the event actually took place. (i.e. in this chapter the first date, 2350 June 8 corresponds with the narration, 2343 November 29 corresponds with their secret date, and 2344 April 12 (which is also Penelope's birthday) corresponds with their first kiss.) What I need your help with is, whether or not I should keep the dates in the chapters or scrap them. I had to work them out for my own personal need to keep the timeline straight, and I added them thinking they might help you all. If however, they are just more confusing, please let me know and I will remove them. Thanks. (By the way, the years are Narnian years and do correspond with when Rilian is actually missing in Lewis' timeline.)

I will try this date thing for a few more chapters before completely deciding, so please let me know either way. Thanks!

On a side note that is completely irrelevant to this story...I'm so excited! I ordered my copy of the Killing Bono DVD (staring the gorgeous Ben Barnes)! And I can't wait for a little more than a week before I can pick it up! So excited! :D