Give Me A Little Trust
Chapter Twenty One: Clinic Day
Bella's POV
My period came and went as though nothing had happened. It was likeas if it was no big deal. However, the loss Edward and I felt was a big deal. It had wounded us deeply, and those wounds were going to take a long time to heal. That didn't mean we were going to stop trying for a baby, though. No, this hurdle only reinforced our need for a child.
Edward was going to make a fantastic father, that was obvious, and I was desperate to be a mother. Just because we couldn't have a baby the conventional way did not mean we were not destined to have one. Our baby would be along soon, in time.
The month following my period we built our relationship back up. It had become very strained during IVF and we just needed to get back to being a couple again. We went out every week, to the theatre, for dinner, dancing, to the cinema, and shopping. Finally Edward and I were acting like any normal couple would. There was no stress, no fear of failing IVF, and we could finally smile without it being forced.
Edward was like a whole new man. He was upbeat, happy and carefree, letting all life's worries pass him by. It was remarkable to see, and relighted an old flame: lust. It was undeniable; Edward was gorgeous, sexy and charming. I just couldn't keep my hands off of him.
Just like we joked about in the car after leaving the clinic, Edward and I enjoyed a month of sex. And what a glorious month it was. Eventually we had to get back to business though. The baby wouldn't make itself, so we needed to go back to the clinic.
Dr Chilton was ready to get things on the go and set us up with the appointments we needed. So once again I was spreading my legs for all the doctors, being stabbed with needles and becoming emotional at the simplest things.
Going through the injections the first time was bad enough, but doing it again was a bloody nightmare. Fourteen days of injections was hard enough, but watching Edward retreat into his shell once again was worse. It was as if he closed off his happiness to protect it. I hated seeing him so withdrawn.
Granted, he was still there for me, caring for me every moment he could, and being physically affectionate. But, one side of the bed would lie empty at night and I would long for his body to be near to mine.
The injections were tasking, physically, and Edward was tasking, emotionally, so finding an outlet was hard. With the drugs in my system being so powerful I feel exhausted in moments, so I had to take it easy. Rather than do anything strenuous, I began to work my way through all the books in the house.
On some days, Esme and Carlisle would come by and we would have lunch while Edward was at work, but most of the time I spent was with my nose in a book. It was relaxing, being able to take a break from all the stress and just lose myself in the pages of a novel.
Fourteen days flew by this time, unlike before, and then I was back in the clinic, feet in the bed stirrups and ready for them to collect my eggs. The injections had matured them, but that didn't mean they could be used. If there was something wrong, or they hadn't matured to the stage needed, then I would have to go through it again in another month.
Everything was always hanging by a thread. My eggs could set us back, Edward's sperm could set us back, an unsuccessful culture of the embryos could set us back, and a failed implantation could set us back. We never really knew when it was going to work or not.
"Okay Bella, I believe you're familiar with this procedure?" the doctor asked, looking at my notes. I nodded in agreement and then listened to them briefly explain what they were going to do. "You'll obviously know what it feels like so I won't need to explain that to you, but do let me know if you feel any pain, as it should just be discomfort. Okay, here we go."
The doctor injected my vagina with a local anaesthetic and then used the ultrasound to guide them where they needed to insert the needle. It was just as uncomfortable as last time when they extracted the fluid in the follicles. In the fluid were my eggs, or rather, half of Edward and my baby. He was in one of the other rooms giving his half of our baby.
Once he was done, and the doctors had finished with me, he came to collect me. Giving me a soft smile he looked around a sighed.
"It feels like just yesterday we were doing this." I nodded in agreement.
"It does, the only difference, this time we will get our baby." He walked over and took me in his arms.
"I bloody hope so." Kissing my forehead he held me tight and allowed me to nuzzle close to him. "Let's go home so you can rest. My mother is cooking." I couldn't help but grin at that news. Esme was one hell of a cook.
Taking my hand we checked in with Dr Chilton and told him to do the same procedures as last time and then made our appointment for five days' time. IVF was teaching me one main thing: patience. Without it, I would have gone mad.
"Alright you two, we shall run the preimplantation genetic diagnosis test and let you know if anything comes up. If we find any genetic chromosome abnormalities like we did last time then we will let you know. You are both aware though that seeing as you are both carriers of Werdnig-Hoffman disease then your baby does have a one in four chance of being born with it?"
"We are, and we are willing to handle that."
"Do you want to know if any of these embryos are diagnosed with Werdnig-Hoffman's disease? And would you like them destroyed if they are?" Dr Chilton asked, his pen poised over the page to write down our decision.
Edward turned to me and I thought back to the last time we had to have this discussion. Back then it was so out of the blue, but now we were prepared, we already knew our answer to that question.
"I can't destroy something that is a part of you and me, even if it is only seventy to a hundred cells in size." I relaxed instantly at his words and walked around the counter to him.
"I'm so relieved to hear that. I couldn't destroy this embryo, this baby. Our baby." Reaching out I hugged Edward and tucked my head into the crook of his neck. His arms came up and around me, giving me a soft squeeze.
"So we'll keep it and just be prepared?"
"Yes." I nodded against him and kissed his neck once.
"No, don't destroy them. If they are implanted then so be it. And don't inform us, we don't wish to know." Our baby was still our baby, whether they were ill or not. Scribbling this down Dr Chilton nodded and then stood up.
"Well then, that's it settled. Everything is in order. Your eggs and sperm will be fertilised in roughly eight hours and then in five days, when you return, we will implant them. See you then," he said, shaking our hands.
Leaving his office both Edward and I held our heads high. We would get our baby, this we knew for sure, it would only take a matter of time. And hell, if we needed to do this half a dozen times then so be it. If we got our baby at the end then all that money, time, pain and tears would be worth it. We just wanted to have a baby.
The implantation took place on time, and we didn't hear anything back from the genetic test. We had no idea if our baby was going to be one hundred percent healthy or not. We had asked not to be informed and if they had stuck to that. We had no idea if the embryos being implanted were all healthy or were sick. No matter what though, it would still be our baby and that was all that mattered.
Next was the unpleasant waiting game, which drove us both mad last time. Edward and I had sixteen days until we had to return to the clinic, and thoese sixteen days were the hardest. Getting my period again would cripple me. I wasn't ready to have that wound ripped open once again. It would be too sore. I needed to be pregnant. I needed it like the air I breathed. It was a necessity.
Losing this baby would weaken Edward and I to our very cores. We could have all the hope in the world but when we failed it vanished into thin air. It was like God was telling us we were not destined to be parents, and that itself was ridiculous.
If there was one thing I knew with one hundred percent of my being, Edward was destined to be a father. There was no doubt about it. How God could not grant that glorious man that one wish was beyond me.
With the embryos inside of me, I was on bed rest once again. Esme and Carlisle moved in, staying in one of the spare bedrooms, and she catered to me during the day. I only left the bed to bathe and use the toilet. Other than that I was stuck there. I didn't fault it, and on the days I was desperate to get out I thought back to the disappointment of seeing the bloody stain in my underwear.
I refused to take the risk and have that happen again. Edward and I needed this baby. We needed it to work. If it didn't the pain and damage to our relationship would be so monumental it risked being irreversible. I did not want to lose another baby, and in turn the man I loved. It just had to work.
Nerves and jitters took over my system the day we were to go back to the clinic. It was judgement day, so to speak. We had waited and waited and waited to see how the implantation went, everyday thinking that it would be the day my period arrived.
Edward would return home from half days at work and look at me with trepidation, desperate to know if our baby was still on its way. I would nod and smile, but it was always forced. I was terrified that I toldell Edward my period hadn't arrived and then within hours it would start.
The closer we got to Clinic Day, the worse my nerves were. Esme could see I was working myself into a state so tried every relaxing technique possible. We went through breathing exercises, herbal teas, relaxing music, and many other methods to fight my nerves. They didn't work for longer than a couple of minutes, and I knew the only thing that would relax me was finding out if we were successful or not.
On Clinic Day, I was ready to burst due to my nerves. Edward looked much the same as we got in the car. Driving there was dreadful. At every red light I was ready to cry, eager for it to turn green and get us closer to our result; pregnant or not.
Just because my period hadn't arrived by Clinic Day did not mean that we had a successful implantation. It could have been late due to all my nerves or it was possibly going to start later on that day. I just needed to know.
A home pregnancy test risked a false positive, and Edward and I were not going to go through that. We wanted the doctors to do the test, therefore knowing for sure we were actually pregnant. There would be no false hope, and no feeling of doubt. We were both ready to know, to finally know whether or not we had a baby on the way.
Taking a seat in the waiting room, after giving a urine and blood sample, was possibly the worst moment of all. Somewhere in the clinic, my samples were being tested and someone knew if I was pregnant or not. Why I couldn't stick with my samples and watch them get tested was beyond me. It would save so much time and energy. I wouldn't have stressed out completely by the time Dr. Chilton called for us, nor would I have felt uneasy about the uncertainty of it all.
The nurse that called our name led us through the clinic, towards Dr Chilton's office. She smiled politely at us as she shut the door and I couldn't help but think it was a pity smile. Did she know the results of our tests? Was that a pity smile because she knew I wasn't pregnant? Was I pregnant?
My ramblings were cut off by the arrival of Dr Chilton himself. He came in and briskly sat behind his desk, laying down a medical folder in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other. Leaning back in his chair he clapped one hand down on the desk, creating a slamming noise, then spoke.
"Well, I have good news for you. You're pregnant," he said, smiling.
My heart stopped beating and I took a sharp breath.
"We're pregnant?" Edward asked, looking so hopeful but so lost. I understood that emotion. What if we both heard him wrong? What if this was a terrible joke, or something else ridiculous?
When Dr. Chilton nodded I finally felt the return of the thump, my heart starting up again, but at an accelerated pace. It was as though it was going to burst straight out of my chest, and from the way Edward froze next to me, I assumed his was doing the same.
Taking another sharp breath I broke, tears streaming down my cheeks in one overwhelming surge of emotion. I couldn't take it in. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. We had finally done it. We were pregnant.
"I will give you two a moment. Congratulations."
Edward turned to me, trying to smile and trying to hold back the tears at the same time. It was cute to watch, to see him so happy about something. Standing up he pulled me into a hug, holding on to me tightly.
"We did it," he chocked out. "We did it."
"We're going to have a baby," I said, hardly believing the words leaving my mouth.
"Yes, we are." Dropping his head to my abdomen Edward smiled. "I'm glad you listened to me this time, and well done for clinging on. We can't wait to see you, all ten fingers and ten toes. Grow strong little one, the next few weeks might be hard, but please stick it out. We need you. We love you already. Your mummy and daddy can't wait to see you in nine months' time. Take care little one." He lifted my top and kissed my skin then moved up and kissed me softly on the lips.
"I'm going to be a father." His voice was full of shock, disbelief and pride.
"The best father," I added, caressing the side of his face with my hand and memorising his happiness. "I love you," I whispered, kissing him softly.
"I love you too, more than I can ever express." He leant his forehead against mine and grinned. "We can do this, right?"
"Most definitely."
"Good. Now, let's get home and get you into bed." I laughed and shook my head.
"Putting me on bed rest already?"
"Damn right. We're not losing this one," he said sombrely, looking down at the bed.
"No, you're right, we're not. Take me to bed, Mr. Cullen."
"As you wish." Kissing me gently, his lips moving against mine I lost myself, a fire spreading across my skin, leaving goose bumps in its path. If it weren't for the fact we were at the doctor's office I would have kissed him for hours.
We were going to parents, everything permitting.
Dear God, don't let us lose this little angel, please.
My happiness knew no bounds. I was pregnant. Our baby was finally on its way.