It's Friday. You know what that means. New chapter time! Hope you enjoy!
I Will Wait…
Chapter 9: There like a bird I'd fly...
The Next Day
2354 April 30
My mind found no peace that night. There was no rest for my thoughts. My heart hammered in my chest. My blood raced through me giving me a persistent flush over my body. And my head thrummed and hummed with the dilemma that I could not deliver myself from.
Why did Pierre have to do this? Why was I making Pierre do this? Dueling suitors showed me nearly everything I needed to know about the person I was to court. First, any man who wished to court me must see me as his equal, not his property. If he was not willing to duel me, then I was not his equal. Secondly, in a duel it is rather simple to tell if one is holding back. In a life and death situation you do not hold back. If he held back in the duel then I was not his equal. Furthermore, he must fight with everything he had. He must be willing to hurt me, and he must trust me enough to know that I would block his attack. Likewise, if for whatever reason I could not block his attack, then I would have to trust him to stop in time. Equality and trust, those were my stipulations. That's what I truly based the duel on. It was not a matter of simply winning.
Requiring the duel was a great way to thwart off unwanted suitors. Those who did not wish to fight simply left, and those who chose to fight were usually easily defeated for various reasons. Pierre was different. Pierre had gotten to know me before requesting the duel. He knew what he was fighting for. He knew what was at stake. But I doubted he had what it took. He was kind and gentle; I did think he could risk hurting me. And that's what worried me. Not that he might win, but that he might lose.
And that thought had me terrified.
XOXOX
2354 February 15
The King found me that night after dinner. I was wandering one of the various gardens just before nightfall. The sky was a beautiful and dark orange color in the west; the sun had already fallen behind the distant mountains. In the east night had already begun to settle in and a few stars were already peaking through. I was trying to distract my tumultuous mind by gazing at the winter flowers, but it wasn't working. And I never knew I was being watched until the King suddenly spoke. I jumped, startled, and turned around to face him.
"Pardon me, Your Majesty?"
He chuckled. "I said, 'he would want you to be happy.'"
"Oh. Whom do you speak of? My father?"
"Him too, yes, but I was thinking of Rilian."
Rilian. Of course it had to be Rilian. The one person that I really didn't want to think about right now, but the one person I couldn't really stop thinking about…ever.
"He loved you, Penelope," the King continued and I looked back up at him (my head had dropped at the sound of Rilian's name). "I may have been blind to it then, it amazes me just how blind I truly was, but when I think on it now it's clear to see. He loved you deeply."
"And how often do you think on it?"
"More than I let on." The King walked around the flowers for a moment. "I think of him daily. I think of the both of them daily. Multiple times a day. Is it not the same for you?"
"It is," I admitted with a sigh. "I try not to, but I can't help it." I sat down on a bench behind me. The King nodded in understanding and sat down beside me.
"He loved you, Penelope; he would not have kept it a secret for so long had he not loved you. But I know he would want you to be happy, more than anything that is what he would want."
"How do you know, Sir?"
"Because that is what I would want for Ava. You do not have to wait for him. If you have the chance to be happy, it is a gift from Aslan and you should accept it."
"I could be happy with Pierre," I finally admitted out loud. "I could be very happy with Pierre. And yet, I feel as though there is some heavy chain holding me prisoner to my grief and I cannot break free."
"Perhaps you cannot break free…alone. Perhaps you will need the assistance of Pierre to break from that chain."
"There is a part of me, a prideful part, that is determined to win tomorrow, but there is also a part, a part I did not know I had until recently, that hopes desperately that Pierre will be the victor."
2354 February 16
It was the moment of truth. Or nearly the moment of truth at least. The crowd had gathered. I could hear their chatter and their chants from where I stood in the tent. I was not alone in the tent though; Rhea was there with me, both as a friend and helping me prepare. I was dressed in a pair of valor pants, and calf high, lace up, flat soled, leather boots. On the upper half of my body I wore a sleeveless tunic of Dwarvin chainmail that came to about mid-thigh. The chainmail, because it was Dwarf made, was highly durable and extremely light. Over the chainmail I wore a long sleeved tunic in a light grey-blue color. I wore leather vambraces on my arms that nearly completely covered my forearms, and I had a thick leather belt fastened about my waist. My swords, I had two now—Daddy had another sword forged upon my return to Narnia which matched the first—lay on the table in wait.
Rhea finished tying the last knot of my leather belt and stepped around me. "Well, that is all…my lady." She smirked and bowed her head to me. Rhea was always the one to help me dress and prepare before a duel, and every time she would act as though she were the lady's maid waiting on her princess. She liked pretending she didn't have the responsibilities of princess.
"You are all ready to fight now. Or are you?"
"Yes, I am ready," I said as I took a deep breath.
"Very well then, I guess my time is up. I will go take my seat and I will send in Sara to walk you out."
"Thank you, Rhea."
"It's my pleasure, Penelope." Rhea walked to the tent opening then and I walked to the table where my swords lay. I slowly let my hand trail down the outside sheath. Was I really about to go through with this? Was I really going to make Pierre duel me, when I wanted to court him?
I heard the tent flap open again and I knew that Sara had joined me, though I could not see the opening. "Just a moment Sara, I wanted to…"
I turned around and found that it was not Sara who had entered. "Ranell? What are you doing here?"
"I thought that I would walk you out today," my brother replied.
"Oh. Is this Mother's or Lorna's doing?"
Ranell hesitated. "Both actually. They wanted to make sure you were alright."
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Pierre is not the first man I've dueled."
"We know that, but he is the first that you've gotten to know beforehand. You have dueled all the others first and then spoken with them."
"That was their doing, not mine."
"Perhaps." Ranell walked into the tent more until he stood before me. "How are you, Penelope? Truly?"
"I've told you already. I'm fine."
Ranell shook his head. "When will you learn, Penelope? You cannot lie to me. I am your brother; I know you too well."
"Ranell, I…" I stopped. I couldn't tell him what I was truly thinking. Ranell nodded in understanding.
"Very well then. Let's get this formality over with, shall we?"
"Formality?"
"Most of the people believe that you and Pierre have already begun courting, and that this duel is simply a formality."
"And what will they believe if Pierre does not win?"
Ranell shrugged. "Perhaps they will simply learn not to gossip."
"Right. Until next week comes and they will begin to gossip all over again."
"Exactly. Are you ready, Sister?"
I took a deep breath and sighed a little. "Yes. I am ready." Ranell grabbed my two swords from the table before he and I walked out.
The arena where I dueled my suitors was down in the town, or rather just beside the town; the tent where I prepared had been erected near the arena as usual. The walk from tent to arena was a brief one, but this time around it was filled with anxiety. I really had received very little sleep the night before; my mind would not stop playing through all the possibilities, which were very limited. Either Pierre would win and we would court, or I would win and we would not court. Or…I would court him regardless of the outcome.
The arena was a circle with a single opening in the wall where the competitors would enter. There were three sections for sitting and if the seats were full (and they often were when I dueled) then those who still wanted to watch would gather around the wall and stand. The King sat under a red canopy in the center of the middle section. Queen Tianna sat to one side of the King while Rhea sat on the other. Pierre's brothers Armel and Basile also sat under the canopy.
Pierre was already in the middle of the arena when I arrived, and the exploding cheers from the crowd alerted him to my presence as I stepped through the hole. He turned to look in my direction. Pierre too was dressed in nothing more than pants, boots, a chainmail tunic, and a cloth tunic. His outer tunic though was a golden yellow and emblazed with the Seven Isles Royal Crest. He had only one sword, but he also carried a shield. My heart ran rampant at the sight of him; I tried desperately to push it aside though, and smile for the crowd which had already begun to chant my name.
I strode forward with Ranell at my side. When I reached the center I stopped and turned to face him. He held my swords out to me and held on to the sheaths as I withdrew the blades simultaneously. He smiled, kissed my cheek, and whispered 'good luck' in my ear. Then he bowed to Pierre, who acknowledged his bow with a nod of his head, and left the arena. I turned back to Pierre then and gave him a curtsy; again he acknowledged it with a nod. The crowd was cheering and clapping loudly, but the moment King Caspian stood up, they fell silent.
"This contest is for single combat," the King said. "It will be by the Lion's Code. Three hits will declare the victor. Do both parties agree?"
Pierre bowed and I curtsied.
"If either party wishes to withdraw, they should do so now." The King paused for a moment and neither Pierre nor I said or did anything. "Very well then. May the contest…begin."
The crowd erupted with cheers once more and Pierre and I turned to face each other, our swords at the ready.
The first match started out rather slow and uneventful. We both circled each other a few times before the first strike was made. Pierre stepped into me and swung his sword at a downward angle; I easily deflected it with one of my swords and launched an attack with the other. Pierre blocked me with his shield. Simple movements like that were repeated a few times with no different results, before the pace quickened.
I did not quicken my attacks though, but my footwork, while Pierre increased his attacks. I stopped blocking his sword and merely danced out of the way. I danced on my feet until I managed to dance behind him where I struck him lightly on the back and earned my first hit. The crowd cheered loudly and Pierre and I stepped apart before resetting.
The second match lasted nearly twice as long as the first. Pierre was very careful not to let me get behind him again, though I wasn't really trying to go for the same attack. The second match had me jumping as Pierre swung at my feet, and even rolling on the ground a few times when I stumbled on a rock and had to avoid his sword still. I did manage to get back on my feet though, after playing keep away for a bit, by executing a fancy swinging roll onto the balls of my feet. The only downside to that move was that I had to toss aside one of my swords. In fairness, Pierre tossed aside his shield. The second match eventually ended with a hit for Pierre when he somehow managed to pin my back against his chest while bringing his sword to my throat. He placed a small kiss on my cheek before releasing me and the crowd screamed louder than they had all day.
The third and fourth matches were much shorter, but equally exciting. In the third match I gained my second hit by disarming Pierre and knocking him flat on his back. When I disarmed him his sword flew up into the air before falling straight down. I caught it and used it to gain my hit. The crowd laughed loudly at that; even Pierre laughed at being hit with his own sword. In the fourth match Pierre managed to disarm me of both of my swords, but I did not stop after that. I was able to dance between his swings and wrangle his shield from him. I then used that to block his attacks until I could pick up one of my swords again. In the end though, it made no difference because Pierre still got his second hit. It all came down to one final match. We both had two hits, and whoever received the next hit would be the victor.
The victor was not Pierre.
XOXOX
He threw it! He threw the match! I know he did! He could not deny it. But why did he do it? Why? I had to know the truth. And that's why I sought him out after I had bathed. I went to his rooms, hoping he would be there, and he was. He knew why I had come and he did not protest my sudden entrance.
"Why? Pierre, why did you do it?"
"I do not know what you are talking about, Penelope," he tried.
"You…you…"
"I lost ze match."
"Don't even for one second try to feed me that lie!" I spat angrily. "You and I both know what happened out there. You didn't lose. You threw it. You gave up. You had me, Pierre. You could have beaten me, as simple as that. But you didn't! And I want to know why! Did you think I wanted to win? Do you really think that was the purpose of it all?"
"No, Penelope. I do not zink zat."
"Then why? Why, Pierre? Tell me why!"
"Because…because I…" he stumbled over his words as though he couldn't find the ones he was looking for. I stared at him incredulously, waiting for my answer. Then he stopped trying to find words and he just acted on them. He took two quick strides towards me, put a hand on each of my cheeks, and he kissed me.
He kissed me.
And it wasn't a simple kiss. It was a full kiss. He kissed me as a husband kisses his new wife, with great passion. There was fire and intensity, so much intensity. What's more, I found myself returning his kiss. My arms glided around his neck and he pulled me close. Neither one of us could seem to get enough of the other's kiss. This kiss was full of every emotion and every deep desire we shared. And it was great.
But then a face and a name came to my mind. In my eyes I saw Rilian. In my ears I heard him whisper "I love you." Suddenly I couldn't stop thinking about his kisses and how different they were from this kiss.
This kiss was a burning fire; it withheld nothing. It concealed no secrets, but displayed everything for all to see. Rilian's kisses were gentle. They were teasing. He always gave me just enough to satisfy me, but somehow always kept me yearning for more. His kisses always held the hint of what was to come. He always had me imagining what it would be like to have a full, fiery kiss, to have a kiss like this…with him.
I couldn't stop thinking about Rilian's kisses and I couldn't stop comparing them to this kiss. Suddenly this kiss felt different. It didn't feel right. It didn't fill me the way it should. This kiss felt…it felt wrong. Just wrong. All wrong. In that moment I realized something worth realizing. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how I imagined it to be, no matter how many times I told myself otherwise I knew the truth then. A truth that was without fail.
Pierre was not Rilian.
After several long moments of sharing in that kiss, the kiss that changed everything, we broke apart. Pierre's arms remained wrapped around me as he breathed heavily and looked down at me. Meanwhile one of my arms promptly dropped to my side and the other came to rest on my lips. My lips moved before I could even think to stop them, and I said his name.
I whispered, "Rilian."
My eyes slowly lifted to search out Pierre's and I saw him hesitate in breathing as the pain washed over him. I could clearly see the hurt in his eyes. He tried to hide it, but I saw it. As quickly as it came, though, it was gone as he accepted it. It was as though he were expecting it. Waiting for it. I, however, was not expecting it and my eyes clouded with tears. I didn't even try to fight them.
"Zat is why I did not win," he said softly. "Because I knew. I 'ave known."
Suddenly his actions, and his words, of our last match all made sense.
Pierre's sword clashed against mine as I blocked his attack. We both paused briefly, our breaths heaving. "I see it," he said softly.
"See what?" I asked.
I did not get my answer at that moment though for Pierre pulled his sword back. We danced around a little more. He lost his shield and I lost a sword in the dance. My body was tired, and near the verge of collapse. When our swords came together once more and we stood but a few inches apart, Pierre continued.
"I see ze passion in your eyes, Penelope."
I was still confused as to what he was talking about, but I didn't get a chance to ask him because he pulled back again. I didn't have to wait as long for the next exchange because just a few short moves later our swords collided for the last time. We stood nearly shoulder to shoulder, my right to his right, our swords meeting in the air, our arms brushing against each other. His eyes locked with mine and I saw his conviction.
"'Zere is great passion in your fight, and a fire in your eyes, but nei'zer are for me."
Then I saw that conviction leave him. His eyes closed in a slow blink. His arms dropped back onto his shoulder, as though giving out. My sword slid across his as his fell to the ground. And then my sword fell into his back. I gained the final hit.
But I hadn't really gained it. He'd given it to me.
I stared deep into his dark eyes. "I'm sorry," I said as I felt a tear run down my cheek.
"Do not be sorry, Penelope."
"I do love you, Pierre."
He tucked some hair behind my ear and gently stoked my cheek. "I do not doubt it. But you do not love me as you love 'im. You will never love me as you love 'im. Wait for 'im, Penelope. You will be glad zat you did."
I started shaking my head. "I don't want to. I don't want to wait for him anymore. It hurts to wait, and I don't want to hurt anymore."
With his thumbs he wiped the tears from both of my eyes. "Zen I pray Aslan will not make you wait much longer."
Then he kissed me again. It was a kiss very different from the one before. It was softer, gentler. It was a parting kiss. He was saying goodbye. And though I tried to make it more, he wouldn't allow it. He pulled back and walked away leaving me to succumb to my tears alone. I slowly crumpled into a heap as the sobs overtook me.
XOXOX
2354 February 20
Pierre and his family left a few days later. It was a warmer day than the day they arrived and so we all gathered on the quay to say goodbye. Pierre had already given me his goodbye, but I had not given him mine. No words were exchanged however.
I boldly and resolutely stepped forward. I placed a hand to his cheek and even curled a few fingers behind his ear. And then, because he would not give, I slowly rose up on my toes and placed a soft kiss at the corner of his mouth. My eyes locked with his as I sunk back down and I did not look away, Pierre looked for a moment as though he were contemplating his decision, but then he gave a small bow to me and I curtsied to him. Then Pierre turned and began walking up the gangplank with the rest of his family.
I did not cry as his ship sailed away, though I wanted to. I'm actually surprised at how well I held it together. When the King found me standing on a balcony that over looked the sea and faced the direction of the Seven Isles later that night though, that was different matter. My eyes were sore and dry from all the crying I had done, and I'm certain that if the light had been better then the King would have seen how red they were.
The King came and stood beside me and leaned against the rail as I was doing.
"Why does it feel like he's disappeared all over again?"
The King said nothing. There was nothing to be said. He merely bowed his head and clasped his hands together.
"I feel as though I have made some grave mistake. A mistake that can never be undone or made right. I have let him go."
"Do you really think you could have stopped him?"
"I couldn't stop Rilian from leaving either."
The King gave an audible sigh. "Rilian's leaving was not your doing. It was the work of black magic."
"I could have told."
"There is nothing that anyone in this castle could have done to make Rilian stay, not even I. Only Aslan could have stopped him."
"Then why didn't He?" I exclaimed angrily. "Why does He allow us to go through such pain? Why does He make us hurt so?"
"I cannot answer that, Penelope, not in a way that will bring you comfort. All I know is that Aslan has some plan in work. He does nothing without a greater purpose then what we may see."
"What possible purpose could the Queen's death, Rilian's disappearance, and all this hurt serve?"
"I do not know, but that does not mean I do not believe."
And then I started to cry, not teary eyed but crying. I choked on my sobs. I cried for Pierre. And I cried for Rilian. The King said nothing, but he placed a hand on my shoulder and rubbed it in comfort. When my sobs increased he slid his hand to my other shoulder and tugged, pulling me into his chest where he wrapped his arms around me. I returned his embrace.
This was not the first time the King comforted me like this. It had happened a few other times over the years. The moment would come, then it would pass, and we never spoke of it again. It was nice while it lasted. It told me I was not alone. The King missed Rilian as I missed him, and he still struggled with that loss as I struggled with it. Every day.
XOXOX
2354 April 30
Pierre left a little over two months ago, and I still feel the sting of losing him.
Ok. That's the last of Pierre; feel free to judge him now. It's my hope, however, that you feel for him a little. I actually feel sorry for him a bit. :( What about you?
This chapter really makes me want to cry for Penelope. Don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of hope it makes you want to cry too.