Title: Hitchhiker
Theme: #12: Underwear
Claim: Zoro
(Words:) 2,154
Rating: PG
Warnings: Couple swears...a few suggestive hints, but kinda subtle
Disclaimer(s): I do not own, or pretend to own, One Piece or any of its subsequent characters, plots or other ideas. That right belongs solely to Eiichiro Oda. I do not own the prompts either—those are assigned by 30_OnePiece.

This is just not my day, Zoro thought to himself, as he was sent smashing through the outer wall of the nearest enormous house.

He still didn't know how he'd managed to get himself into this fight. He'd just sort of been jumped while wandering around the harbor town, looking for a place to buy booze. Somehow he'd ended up in the snooty rich peoples' housing district, and when he'd tried to turn himself around to head back towards a tavern somewhere he'd been attacked by some crazy guy with a giant metal hammer. Zoro wasn't sure if he was a bounty hunter or a mercenary or part of somebody's personal guard. All he knew was that the guy wasn't wearing marine insignia, and although the guy's attacks themselves didn't hurt much, there was some sort of boost that let the hammer fling its victims ridiculously far.

Which was why Zoro was smashing through the side of a house that was actually thirty feet away, much to his displeasure. Damn, he was going to feel that one in the morning.

He came to a stop and rolled out of the rubble hastily, in case his attacker decided to try and smash his head in when he was down. Thankfully, the attacker apparently couldn't fling himself thirty feet, and was still running towards the house to catch up after his attack, which gave Zoro a chance to get familiar with his surroundings.

He was...in a closet. Zoro blinked in surprise at the dozens if not hundreds of hanging clothes all around him. A really big, rich person's snotty walk in closet. With even more doors to other clothes down at the end. And, judging from the fact that most of the clothes were dresses and skirts, and consisted of shades of pink and purple, he was reasonably sure this was a women's closet to boot.

Really, who needed this many clothes anyway?

His thoughts were cut short—his attacker was closer to the house now, raising the giant hammer for another swipe. Zoro definitely didn't want to get hit by that head-on again (there was a lot more building behind him to smash through, and he was getting sick of that already) so he darted down to the other side of the closet and the inner room. This one was smaller and seemed to hold all the...ah...intimate clothes. Zoro could feel his face getting hot against his will, but at that moment there was a clambering noise behind him as his opponent entered the building.

Instantly Zoro's thoughts went back to the fight. The man charged him and swung the hammer wildly. Zoro couldn't let him get within range, so he swung out with the highest caliber of Pound Cannon he could manage in this enclosed space, using all three swords. The compressed air slice smashed into his opponent, who screamed in surprise and staggered, just as he'd almost reached Zoro. The hammer swung haphazardly, uncontrolled. Even with an unintentional swing the glancing blow Zoro received was enough to send him spinning into the nearest expensive-looking dresser, bursting the piece of furniture to wood shrapnel as he smashed into it full force. Damn, whatever that weapon was made out of, it packed a punch—almost literally.

Everything went quiet. It was dark, but Zoro was still perfectly conscious, and he realized after a moment he was buried in tall dresser remains and possibly parts of the wall behind it. With an exasperated sigh he began digging himself out, tossing pieces of finely finished mahogany aside without much care. He didn't feel particularly guilty. Whoever this rich snob was, they could afford another dresser and more.

He managed to free himself enough to sit up in the nest of rubble, but his vision was still partly obscured on one side. Puzzled, he reached a hand up to his head, felt something soft hooked over his skull, and pulled it free.

It was a pair of hideously pink women's panties. Zoro swore and hurled it aside like it was on fire, and felt his face getting hot all over again. Not my day! he repeated to himself furiously, as he hastily extricated himself from the mess, clambering over the remains of the dresser.

He was all for beating it out of there right away, when he caught sight of himself in one of the full-length mirrors set up in the room. To his horror, he was practically covered in women's undergarments; the dresser he'd been thrown into had probably been stuffed full of them. They were piled on his shoulders, flopped on the excess folds of his haramaki...hell, a few of the...the bras...even managed to hook over the hilts of his swords (and strangely, none of them seemed to mind...Kitetsu was even, oddly, amused by it).

The mirror also displayed just how red his face was at the sight of it. He swore again and hastily clawed the undergarments off, tossing them aside like they were plagued. He was damned lucky none of the others were here to see this as it was. Curly-brow especially would never let him live it down.

When he was clear of the undergarments he walked over to his opponent and nudged him once with one boot. The guy was out cold. Zoro snorted—definitely a glass cannon. He could dish it out, but he couldn't take it. Well, now he'd be taking all the blame for the destruction in snooty-rich-lady's closet, too. Nobody had come to check out the noises yet, but he had a feeling it wouldn't be long, so he darted out the hole he'd made in the wall and headed back for the town, the incident already behind him.

Zoro did, eventually, find a tavern, and spent a few hours drinking alone. This tavern was a little different than usual, although Zoro couldn't exactly figure out why. Usually the patrons would just leave him alone, what with the don't mess with me aura he practically always radiated in these joints. But several times men came up to chuck him on the shoulder and congratulate him before he managed to glare in their direction and send them cowering. And he could feel several other patrons staring at him from behind and laughing, although again, all it took was one sharp glare over his shoulder to make their smiles wither. He couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it, though, and after a while it got annoying, so he finally decided to just head back to the ship.

Heading back took longer than expected (he hadn't realized just how far away the harbor actually was), and puzzlingly enough whatever was plaguing the patrons of that tavern appeared to affect the citizens on the streets as well. They chuckled and laughed when they thought he wasn't looking, and several other men gave him leering, congratulatory grins. Maybe this whole city was just fucking crazy. Yeah, that was probably it.

But eventually he made it back to the ship, and couldn't help but feel a little relief for it. Not that his crew wasn't crazy too, but it was a different sort of crazy that he knew how to deal with.

Robin was on ship watching duty today, and nodded to him absently from her deck chair, where she was reading a book. She paused as he walked past her though, and when he looked over his shoulder he caught her watching him with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Zoro asked. Robin wasn't exactly one to stare.

But she merely shook her head. "Nothing at all, Swordsman-san," she answered simply, and returned to her book. Zoro shrugged and continued on to the galley to snag a bottle of sake before the shit cook got back, although he might have been less appeased if he'd seen the amused smile at the corner of Robin's lips.

He made short work of the bottle and decided to take a nap out on deck while the sunlight was still pleasant. When he woke up again a few hours later, the rest of the crew had returned, and appeared to be setting up a few picnic tables on deck for a late dinner outside since the weather was so nice. Zoro yawned and then went over to help, since some of the tables could get pretty heavy and not everyone could handle them.

"Zoro," Luffy said suddenly, "what's that?"

Zoro blinked and looked over his shoulder with some difficulty at his captain; it was sort of hard to multitask with the big tables in hand, which were more awkward than heavy for lifting. Luffy was behind him and watching the proceedings with a small pout (he'd been banned from setting up the tables again after snapping one in two with an over-eager application of rubber powers to help). "Eh? What're you talking about?"

"Set it down here," Nami ordered. Zoro placed the table down as bid, and then Nami circled around, saying, "Oh, I see what he's talking about, you've got something hooked in—" And then her eyes went wide and she clapped a hand to her mouth in surprise.

"What? What?" Zoro said, now more than a little weirded out by the reactions. He tried to look over his shoulder at whatever it was they were talking about, but whatever he apparently had, it was in his blind spot.

Nami was snickering now, and said, "Oh wow, Zoro, I didn't think you were the type for trophies. Or maybe you were just a little rushed?"

"What the hell are you talking about," Zoro growled, now starting to get fed up.

Sanji wandered over next to place a few dishes down on the table Zoro had just set up, and to kick Luffy aside when the captain inevitably leapt for them. "Are we laughing at marimo?" he asked brightly. "Because I'd love to join in."

"Look," Nami said, still chuckling, and Sanji scooted around Zoro quickly before the swordsman could protest.

Zoro couldn't see Sanji's reaction, but seconds later he heard the cook howl, "Shit swordsman! How dare you—"

"How dare I what—"

"—could you possibly offend a lady in such a way—"

"What?"

"—can't imagine what sort of ridiculously low standards she'd have to have for a brute like you—"

"What. The hell. Are you talking about?"

"—to think we've had someone like you on the ship all this time—"

"He's got a point," Nami said with a smirk. "Is this what you're always running off for whenever we get on the ship? I always figured it was training, but—"

"It could still be training," Franky said, coming from around behind Zoro. He grinned and gave Nami a suggestive wink, adding, "Just not the kind we figured at first."

"—could have told me, I would be happy to comfort them after they had to deal with a brute like you—"

Okay. That was it. Zoro had had enough. Glaring viciously around at the entire crew, he reached behind his back, searching for whatever it was that was setting them all off. His fingers encountered something hooked halfway into his haramaki at the small of his back, and with a frown he extracted it from the wool, pulling it free triumphantly—

And staring in absolute horror at the hideous, pink-and-purple leopard-spotted bra now in his hand. The one that had apparently been hanging halfway over the back of his haramaki all day without him ever knowing about it.

Zoro felt his face burning suddenly as he put everything together. He must have missed that one in the giant closet; he hadn't seen it in the mirror. All the strange looks and laughs and comments today...Robin's staring...the crew's joking just now...oh, dammit.

"It's not like that!" Zoro said hastily, and was even more mortified to discover his voice was at a higher pitch than usual. "I didn't—it wasn't—it's just—"

The entire crew was laughing now, even Luffy, who like as not didn't even know what was going on.

"Can't say I think much of her taste," Nami said with a snicker. "But hey, if you're happy, Zoro—"

He promptly dropped the bra like it was about to set his hand on fire.

"I swear, it isn't—" he began, but right about that point Sanji seemed to lose it, and swung out with a vicious ax kick, shrieking that it absolutely wasn't fair that marimo could get away with treating ladies so disrespectfully and still get so lucky.

Zoro would call it anything but luck. He ducked aside from the attack and bolted for his weight room, face still burning. He figured he'd just lock himself in there for the next thousand years or so, until he stopped existing, or women did. Whichever came first.

At first I had no idea what to do with this prompt, and then suddenly I did, and it was hilarious, and I couldn't wait to share it lol.

~VelkynKarma