Lucas could have counted down the seconds until his younger brother finally decided to say something. His voice was barely above a whisper, and what he said sounded awfully beat. But it was no lashing out. Neither was he accusing Lucas of being a sissy, of being weak, or pathetic. No, nothing of the sort. He merely said,

"I didn't do anything…"

Fixing his gaze on the floor, Nathan simply stood there, motionless, clenching his jaw. Why did Lucas have to bring that night up again? Why? Nate had only wanted to make sure the guy was alright and that Dan hadn't made matters worse… He had no inclination to talk about anything other than that—about anything, really…

But he guessed he should have stayed away then.

"You went to get help—"

"Wasn't much use, though, was it?" Nathan snorted, his grip on the door handle tightening painfully until his knuckles turned white.

"Nathan…" Lucas had a hard time thinking of something to say. Apparently the kid wanted to believe what he said, so what use would it be if Luke tried to convince him otherwise? He'd probably only clam up and get angry anyway.

"What? Wasn't it Haley and Peyton calling the paramedics?"

"Yes, but you—"

Just as Nathan was starting to protest yet again, Luke suddenly remembered something else from that night, remembered waiting in the car, waiting for his brother to return. From checking on the other car…

-o0o-

It all took Nate so horribly long—walking over to that car, checking how the passengers were doing, asking them for help, for a cell phone. It took him so long that deep down Luke already knew that the sight his brother encountered couldn't be pretty.

But he tried to ban that thought because they relied on Nathan finding a cell. And if he didn't, if things should really go from bad to worse? As being the only one of them able to walk they relied on Nate to keep his cool and be calm and focused enough to go and look for help.

But as soon as he saw the younger one return, Lucas forgot about his words, about remaining "calm and focused." Taking in his brother's ashen face, he could only utter a clipped "What…" before falling silent again.

Something was terribly wrong.

Nathan could hardly look at him, his stare oddly vacant and unfocused. He was shivering, too, and Lucas didn't remember him doing so beforehand.

Holding onto Nate, gripping his shoulders tightly, he was trying to get the shocked kid to talk, but once he eventually did say something, it made Lucas's blood curdle.

"Crap, Luke," Nathan choked out, his voice strangled. "They're all dead in there, they're…"

Briefly, Lucas closed his eyes. No, he thought, no. But there was no time to deal with his own shock, no time for him to retreat into himself, no time for self-accusations, for Nate was shivering so hard now that Luke was afraid he might just go straight into shock. And he simply couldn't let that happen, not when there was no one else around, not when Nathan passing out again, his body succumbing to shock, could mean his death—and Lucas's…

Not once did Luke think of their rivalry, of the fact that they didn't like each other, fought each other. Not once, because the only thing that mattered now was that whatever—whoever his brother had come across in that other car had distraught him enough to make him start crying right in front of Luke.

-o0o-

"Oh crap, Nate," Lucas suddenly exclaimed as the truth finally dawned on him. "You—you saw them, right?—Oh God, of course you did…"

Startled, the dark haired boy looked up and blinked, an uncomfortable lump already forming in his throat.

"You know what—I don't need to hear this—"

"Nate…"

"I just came here to make sure Dan didn't—aw, what the hell, I better get going, or else they'll make me stay in the end."

"For Christ's sake. Nathan! Talk to me, man? You can't just—"

Rather abruptly, the younger one's expression changed quite visibly from annoyance to actual anger.

"What?" he bit out in answer. "What can't I just, huh? Walk out of here? Leave, without having a little heart-to-heart with my 'oh so close' big brother first?—Reality check, Lucas: we're not like that, okay? We don't talk. So why should one stupid car crash change anything about that?"

Challengingly, Nathan glared at the older one, daring him to open his mouth, before he turned to leave once more. He needed to leave this friggin' place, right now. What had made him want to check on this jerk anyway, he wondered. Was he turning soft or something? All he knew was that he'd better get a grip, and fast. What would his friends at school think when he went all 'buddy' with his geek of a half-brother? Sure as hell Tim would—

He bit down on his lip so hard that instantly he tasted copper. He would have liked to break into a run, but he couldn't, not with Lucas's eyes boring into his back.

Strangely, Lucas noticed the sudden change in the younger one's posture, noticed him actually freeze in place for a moment. He knew that whatever he had to say, he had to say it quickly or Nathan would simply fall back into old habits, protecting himself by being the jerk he'd always been.

And so he exclaimed without further warning,

"Why it should change anything? Because that night you found your friends dead, Nathan!" The candid harshness of his words pained even him, but he had to go on,

"And I was there! I made you go and get help when you—when—"

"Don't, Luke…"

It was barely a whisper; it sounded so pained. Luke saw how hard Nathan was clenching the doorknob, saw him droop his head and let his shoulders sag. Still, Luke had to finish what he needed to say, for Nate might never listen to him again after this.

"When you shouldn't have been alone!—You saw Tim, Nathan. And Bevin, and—God, I don't even know who the other two are… —I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for you… I'm—I'm so sorry I sent you away… I shouldn't have, I know that now. It's inexcusable—you were so upset…"

"Lucas…"

Nathan so didn't need to be reminded of that, he so didn't. He didn't want to hear Lucas acknowledge that it had actually happened and that he even remembered it, but still the guy went on, ignoring his silent plea.

"But I thought you were just shocked because they were dead, because some… some random people were dead! And not your friends! And what a horrible thing is that to say, anyway?—I'm… God, I know we are not exactly close—"

Lucas choked out a short humorless laugh at the thought and watched Nathan let go of the doorknob and move to finally look at him again. The younger one looked just as defeated as he himself felt.

"But shouldn't we," he continued regardlessly. "—After what happened, shouldn't we at least try and make more of an effort? Stop acting like complete idiots around each other? I'm tired of hating you, Nate. Tired. I wanna be able to thank you, like I just did, and not worry you might only use it as another welcome reason to lash out at me. I wanna be able to—I don't know—admit that having Dan around is not as enviable as I thought it was, that he is a train wreck of a father and that I'm worried about what living with him is like for you—"

Nathan involuntarily tensed at the mention of Dan. On top of everything else that Lucas had already brought up he could definitely do without discussing that last bit with him. Scratch that; he could do without the whole darn confession-sort-of-thing the guy was spilling out at him.

"Crap, man! Can't you shut the hell up already?" he therefore finally shouted, tired of Lucas overhearing yet another silent plea to stop. "So you think you need to apologize? Fine. You just did! For whatever it's worth: alright! Apology accepted! If that's what you need to hear!"

"No, Nathan…"

Lucas sounded tired and Nathan sighed. He was reaching the end of his tether. Strangely, though, he didn't simply turn and walk away, surprising not only himself, but also his brother.

"What else would you wanna hear, then? Me telling you there's no need for an apology? Because you couldn't possibly have known? Because I just couldn't bring myself to say it? Because—because… I—fuck!"

Embarrassed, he averted his gaze when he felt angry tears well in his eyes, tears he had to fight down before he could face his damn brother once more. No way would he ever again allow Lucas to see him cry. No way…

Lucas started fidgeting in his bed, feeling uncomfortably constrained. It was not exactly helping matters that he couldn't simply get up and walk over to where the other one was standing, struggling with himself. It was odd, really, how hyper-aware he was of the added effect standing close to the person you were talking to usually had. He would have liked to walk over to Nate now, put a hand on his shoulder, some kind of gesture to emphasize his intentions, some sort of actual contact he felt was necessary.

Unfortunately, he was solely relying on his words instead.

"Nate. Hey! I'm sorry, okay?"

"Yeah, right. You just said that," Nathan muttered, grinning weakly, heading out the room now for real.

"Nate.—Nathan. Let's… please. It's just—"

Suddenly, Lucas couldn't stop himself any longer. Desperately throwing all his good intentions to the wind he started babbling helplessly.

"God, I just… Dan thinks I did this on purpose, that I somehow provoked the crash or something, knowing that you were in the car with me, knowing who was in the other car, but I—I swear that's not what happened okay? I swear I didn't know! I couldn't! Honestly, I was only doing Haley a favor and—and I—"

At hearing that, Nathan couldn't just walk off any longer, too well did he know how Dan always managed to get into someone's head, make them believe even the stupidest things. And he couldn't allow Lucas to blame himself. Not for anything regarding that night. Not for his friends' deaths…

He was horrified to see actual tears running down the older one's cheeks; he didn't know how to deal with people crying. He didn't know what to do… So he just went for the obvious, blaming Dan. Ignoring the tears.

Ignoring that he, too, was more than a little upset after their previous conversation.

"Aw, come on, Luke," he cajoled. "You can't be serious. Even you know Dan, don't you? He's like that. He's an ass, we all know that. So ignore the crap he's talking—it's what I do all the time. You think I'd still be around if I took to heart everything he said?"

Despite himself, Lucas grinned, if a little lopsidedly. Somehow he still knew that Nathan did take most of those things to heart, even if he'd never admit it. But Luke was willing to believe his assurance for the moment.

After all, he could have said something way worse instead…

"But I—I can't shake off that feeling you might think so too—"

"I don't," Nathan was quick to answer, and he meant it.

"But you had to deal with that horrible knowledge and I didn't even ask you about what you saw in that car—who you saw. I didn't dare, Nathan. Because I was worried I mightn't be able to persuade you to go for help afterwards. I was just being selfish, I was scared for myself, and you—"

"Dude, cut yourself some slack. It was a pretty crappy night, okay? Let's not make it worse now."

"I don't wanna make it worse, it's just…"

"Luke, you really wanna go there? I mean, really? Coz, if you do, I'd have to go there as well. I'd have to admit to myself that nothing of it would probably have happened—"

"Nate…"

"—if I hadn't been so wasted—if I hadn't screwed up at the friggin' game—if I hadn't persuaded Tim and the others to go to that stupid party instead of having our own over at the beach house—"

"God, Nate, stop it! Don't say that, it's—"

"See? And that's why I'm not going there. And neither should you." Nathan stared hard at Lucas, daring him to continue. He didn't know what he'd say or do if Lucas did, though.

They remained silent for a while, Lucas sitting propped up in bed, rubbing his eyes, Nathan half leaning against the wall right next to the exit, checking the hallway for movement. Finally, the younger one of them returned his attention back to the room as his older brother quietly said,

"Okay… Though, promise me you'll eventually talk to someone about all that, will you? You can't just bottle everything up inside of you, not this…"

Instantly defiant again, Nathan raised his head, while simultaneously crossing his arms in front of him as much as his injury allowed him to.

"Please, Nate. I mean it."

Lucas sighed, wondering why the hell he even still bothered. Didn't he know Nathan at all by now?

"The great Scott has spoken, huh? Dude, you're so overdoing it with that big brother vibe now…" said Nate quite unexpectedly then, smirking, and pushed himself off of the wall.

"Very funny!"

Nathan's grin only widened as he was finally leaving for good. He had already half shut the door, when suddenly Lucas saw him stick his head through the small opening crack once more, and frowning, Luke said,

"Weren't you trying to sneak out of the hospital tonight or something?"

"Yeah, but… Before... did you really say you were doing Haley a favor?"

And for the first time right there, Lucas actually wished he could just hug his brother…

o-o0o-o

End Part One