His stomached jittered with nerves. He perched on the edge of the hospital bed, his feet tangling around one another and teeth biting down on his lip uncomfortably as he waited for Brendan to arrive. 4:00 he said. They'd planned it all out: Amy had picked all Ste's stuff up from the B'n'B and had (begrudgingly) taken it to Brendan's (she'd made a point of keeping a few sets of his clothes at her house for when everything 'inevitably went to shit'). Brendan was supposed to be here at 4:00, they'd do the whole check-out routine together so the doctors could talk through the procedures etc, and then they were going to go back to Brendan's where Ste would now… be living.

He ran it over in his head again and again and again. Living with Brendan. Under the same roof as the man who made his spine shiver with sexual tension, just by clasping eyes or sharing rooms with him. It was such a stupid idea, after everything they'd been through, after they had just started doing well in a friendship. And yet Ste wanted it so badly.

His weeks in hospital had been miserable, gut-wrenching, unbearable. He felt so pathetic and useless, and everything felt so vague and distorted. And amazingly, Brendan had come through. He'd made everything better. He'd talked to Ste, and made him laugh and offered a shoulder to cry on. And now, Ste was in a state where he'd be this useless at home too – without doctors or nurses. Knowing that Brendan would be around made him feel (perhaps naively) more hopeful and safe about the whole thing.

He would be able to handle the tension. He could handle the unspoken feelings and he could continue to push aside the stomach-churning muscle that ACHED to feel Brendan's lips and touch. He had good practice at ignoring those feelings by now.

But by the time 5:00 came, Ste collapsed back onto the hospital bed, heart sinking. Brendan's changed his mind, he thought. He's fucking changed his mind – fucking again. He's just gonna let me down again. He won't show. He'll just leave me here, humiliated, like he always does.

"Alright Ste?"

Ste glanced upwards, and smiled immediately at the recognisable face of Rodger, his psychotherapist. Rodger had been amazing these past few weeks too. They'd been doing exercises with Ste's hands and brain-to-muscle coordination. It had been pain-staking and frustrating, but Rodger had always been patient. He knew what he was doing; made Ste feel comfortable. He understood Ste's aggravation and put him at ease. They'd even made a kind of companionship; Ste found he could connect and be secure around Rodger in a way he couldn't with anybody else in the hospital day after day.

Rodger smiled at him as he peered around the door, scanning the room; obviously checking for Brendan.

"Have you heard from 'im?" Ste mumbled, face burning red with pre-empted embarrassment.

"I'm sure he's just running la…"

"STEPHEN?"

Ste's heart jumped. He sat bolt upright, hearing the familiar Irish accent before he saw it… and then Brendan was there; eyes wild and forehead sweaty. He pushed Rodger aside mindlessly and darted straight into the room, apologies at the ready:

"Sorry I'm la…"

"…where the hell have you been?" Ste snapped, "I've been waitin' an hour!"

"I'll explain everythin', jus… quick, let's get out of here."

"Hold on…" Ste muttered. Jesus, Brendan snaps his fingers and it's all-systems-go; he'd almost forgotten that.

Ste fumbled for his shoes, trying to get them on using just his feet and trying not to draw either Brendan or Rodgers attention to the fact that he was doing so; he still couldn't get used to this new neediness he now had.

"I'll see you in a few days at yours, Ste." Rodger said with a wink, and began to move away from the door.

"Ye, jus' give us a call before ye show up, alright?" Brendan fired at him. "Don't just come amblin' in whenever ye fancy."

Rodger frowned, obviously sensing Brendan's odd attitude of confrontation. "Of course, Mr Brady. Ste already knows anyway; I'll be round 2:00 on Tuesday."

"Well might wanna let me know as well, eh? Seein' as it's my house you're comin' to."

"I'm sorry." Rodger said politely, "Yes of course."

"Right." Brendan breezed. "Run along then."

Ste glanced between Brendan and Rodger, wandering what the hell had made Brendan get all territorial in just a few seconds of them setting eyes on each other. He wished he wouldn't. Ste had put Rodger out enough over the last few weeks without dragging vicious-ex's into the mix.

"I'm sorry…" Rodger frowned, catching on to the aggression being thrown at him, "Is there a problem?"

"No."

"Because if there is, you know, Ste can always come here to do his physiotherapy. I just got the impression he'd rather do it at home."

"Jus' makin' sure we're all on the same page, that's all." Brendan drawled. "Mate."

"Right… well…" Rodger sighed coolly, "You have my number if you have any problems, Ste. Good luck."

And he strode away. Apparently he was unperturbed by Brendan's behaviour for the most part… although he had given Brendan absolutely NO reason for it. Shit, maybe this moving-in stuff wouldn't be quite as simple as Ste had hoped… if Brendan was going to get all funny about his house, his hours, his rules…

"What were all that about?" Ste demanded.

"Nothin'. C'mon, lets go. Ye got everything?"

"Yeah."

"Right, so what are ye waitin' for?"

XOXOXO

In the car journey, the mood lifted. Whatever had made Brendan late and flustered and on-edge seemed to have escaped his mind as soon as Ste got talking about what a relief it was to be away from the hospital.

"An' it'll be so good to not have them doctors breathin' down me neck all the time." He continued. "An' have proper food an' that."

"You do know neither me or Cheryl can cook, Stephen, don't ye?"

"Yeah but I like takeaways." Ste grinned. "It's gonna be well weird, innit? You, me and Cheryl."

"You can always change your mind, ye know."

"No." Ste shook his head adamantly. And then realised… "Wait… why? Do you want me to?"

"No, I just thought…" Brendan sighed, "I didn't want ye to feel pressured, that's all. Amy's been mouthin' off at me all week about it."

"Ah, don't listen to 'er. She's jus' being protective, in't she?"

"Women." Brendan grunted, rolling his eyes. "Speakin' of which…"

Brendan nodded out of the window, and Ste blinked rapidly; startled to realise they were already back in Hollyoaks. His memory really wasn't as good as he'd hoped it to be… he hadn't remembered any of those streets back there.

But that didn't matter right now. What mattered was what Brendan was pointing at… right in the middle of the street, below the steps up to the house, were Cheryl, Amy, Leah and Lucas. They were all waving their arms around manically, big grins on their faces. The kids were holding balloons and behind them was a big amateurly-done banner: "WELCOME HOME STE"

"No way…" Ste grinned, his cheeks burning red and heart beating quickly. He hadn't expected this... not by any means.

"YOU'RE HOOOOOMEE!" Amy cried, and her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck from the moment he stepped from the car; practically dragging him down onto the pavement. It hurt like fuck where the bruises on his neck were, but he didn't dare say anything.

"Hiya." He giggled, overwhelmed. "Hi kids."

"Hello Daddy." Leah smiled, and held the balloon up to him. She was being slightly sheepish about it; their last encounter in the hospital had unnerved her a lot – seeing her Dad hooked up to tubes and staring into space... not the same as he used to be.

He tried hard to keep it together for her now.

"Aw, thanks Leah." He smiled, bending down to her level, "An' did you help with the banner, n'all?"

"Yeah."

"Aw, that's well nice. Thank you."

Leah lifted her finger and traced it gently down the bruise that still lined the left of Ste's jaw.

"Does that hurt, Daddy?"

"No, not anymore."

"Ste, love, we have missed you SO much." Cheryl beamed, holding her arms open for an embrace and squeezing hard as Ste fell into it. Again, it fucking hurt, but he couldn't say anything; not that that mattered as Brendan stepped in almost immediately:

"Give 'im a break Chez, he's just got out of hospital."

"Oh right – sorry!" Cheryl bounced away from him, a guilty kind of grin on her face. "I'm just so happy you're comin' to stay with us, and don't worry, we're gonna have the best time ever, aren't we Bren?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Brendan muttered, and started pushing his way past Cheryl and Amy in an attempt to reach the steps. "Stephen, c'mon I'll show you the spare room."

"Oh, no no no!" Cheryl chimed in with a mischievous glint in her eye that made her look 5-years old rather than 25. "We have a surprise first!"

"What?" Brendan sighed.

"Well, everyone's been so worried about Ste, so we're jus' having a few people over for dinner, that's all. Nothing heavy – just a few drinks, a bit of music, a bit of dancin' if we're feeling really crazy, eh love?" She nudged Ste enthusiastically.

"Chez, are ye serious?"

"What people?" Ste asked, smiling widely despite himself. It was odd to think that anybody besides Amy had actually been bothered by his time in hospital. And while right now he was feeling tired, disorientated and detached… well he ignore the sense of excitement at the idea either.

XOXOXOXO

The house was bopping with some of Cheryl's old 90s-hits, the table was laid with food and snacks and alcohol, Cheryl was dancing about like nobody's business and she weaved her way in and out of the guests that had come; Jacqui, Rhys, Amy, Leah & Lucas, and apart from that it was just people that Ste didn't really know who had been dragged by Cheryl, like some of the students and new Chez Chez bar staff.

As soon as the music started Ste kind of got the feeling this wasn't a good idea. His head hurt with a gentle but consistent throbbing pain. He felt a little dazed; unable to engage in conversation too long and zoning out whenever he did. He felt at all times like people were looking at him, or otherwise purposefully NOT looking at him; making him feel alone and isolated despite everybody being around him.

"Have they found the guys that did it to you?" Jacqui asked, her eyebrows raised in concern.

"Um, no." Ste mumbled, trying to focus properly on the conversation and ignore the fogginess in his mind that he was starting to feel. "I jus'… I jus' wanna forget it now, I think."

"Yeah, but still, the police must be lookin' for them. And that bloke that spiked your drink, I mean, how've they not found him?"

"I dunno much about it, ask Brendan or somethin'." He reconsidered that immediately. "Or jus'… drop it. Probably just drop it."

"Yeah alright." She nodded, catching on to Ste's hastiness to change topic, and obliging. "So how's come you're stayin' with Brendan then? Are you guys… you know… are you back toge…?"

"No. No s'just… he's just a good mate, in'he?"

"I dunno, is he?"

"Well he's been well good, ever since…"

"Yeah." Jacqui nodded. "Well I think he's got your back anyway. He hasn't taken his eyes off you all evenin'."

And she nodded to behind him. Ste turned. Brendan was stood to the sides of the room, not talking to anybody; the way he had been the whole night. But sure enough he was looking straight in their direction, his eyes unwavering on Ste's figure; just watching. It made Ste feel comfortable in a way, knowing that despite his dazed and awkward state right now, Brendan was there.

The night continued as much the same. Jacqui was keeping Leah and Lucas amused while Amy was chatting with Dodger, who'd showed up. Apparently they were a proper item now. Great. Everyone was lively and happy and absorbed in something. The music had gotten louder. Had it? Ste hadn't seen anyone turn it up, but by now his head was throbbing… he could feel the beats of the song pulsating uncomfortably though his brain, making him feel nauseous. Shit, how long was this going to go on for? He didn't even want to ask someone to get him a drink, cos it was embarrassing. He just wanted everyone to go now.

"You alright Ste?" Rhys asked him as Ste shuffled past to reach the sofa.

"Yeah, fine."

But he wasn't, not really. He collapsed onto the settee, head in hands and breathing deeply; anything to get this fucking headache and sick feeling away. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. But now he was becoming hot too… and the sweat was starting to feel sticky and uncomfortable. Christ, who turned the fucking heat up?

"I know, what a dick!" One of the students yelled, and their laughs echoed almost manically around the walls of the living room.

Holy shit, were they talking about him? They were, weren't they? He knew it. Everyone could tell he wasn't normal anymore; he was weird and funny now.

His heart started to hammer quickly… the fear streaming into his consciousness that he was going to throw up… here, in front of everyone…

"Stephen. You alrigh'?"

Brendan was at his side almost instantly… but it didn't feel right. Ste could barely see him… could barely lift his head to look at him for fear his brain would crack in half. Shit, fuck, this wasn't fucking good. This didn't feel good at all.

"Chez, I told ye, turn the FUCKIN' music off!" Brendan yelled.

No, he didn't want that. He didn't want people to notice something was wrong with him… he didn't want them to look. His heart was hammering inside his head now, and filling his ear-drums, just the loud harsh 'boom boom boom'… like he was gonna die or something. And hard penetrating goosebumps were crusading over his forearms despite the huge heat. This was really fucking it, wasn't it?

"Stephen, look at me a sec…" Brendan sounded worried. He knew too. He knew this was bad news.

"Ste…" That was Amy, with her voice equally frantic, "Ste, are you alright?"

He wanted to tell them to back off a bit, but he couldn't gather the breath… like his throat was strangled and couldn't breathe. Fuck. He tried hard to gasp for breaths, trying to take in air, but it wouldn't work… it was only becoming harder and his head was spinning and knees were shaking and he'd never been so sure than this that he was going to be the end of him than now.

"Hey, Stephen, look at me…"

"…can't…" Ste heard himself gasp faintly, tears springing in his eyes as he tried to clutch his hands to his hair… but his fingers wouldn't move right.

"Ste, it's gonna be alright." Amy breathed gently, and her hand squeezed tightly to his knee, but it just felt hot and claustrophobic… he wanted her to get OFF.

"Alrigh' it's not a fuckin' circus!" He heard Brendan shout to the room, but it sounded far-off, "Everyone get the fuck out of my house!"

"Brendan!"

"I'm serious; get them out Chez, NOW!"

And then Ste felt tough hands on his shoulders, pulling him to his feet, and Brendan's voice mumbling quickly, "C'mon, come lie down…"

"Brendan, we should call a doctor!"

"Jus' take the kids home, Amy."

And he was pulled into a room that felt extremely cold in comparison, and pushed down onto the mattress of the bed. He could still barely see… his vision clouded by faintness and tears, but he focussed immediately on Brendan's penetrating blue eyes that stared right into him…

"Breathe…" Brendan whispered intensely, "'s alright…"

"…I… I can't breathe…"

"You can. Take deep breathes, Stephen, you're jus' havin' a panic attack."

Stephen tried it; sucking in air, but it just couldn't work well enough with his whole body constricting in the efforts. And he was trembling and there was nothing he could do about it. It felt like a black hole… a pitiful black hole that he just wished would suck him up rather than make him deal with this any longer.

"S'alright… s'alright…" Brendan whispered, chanting it over and over almost hypnotically.

"…I can't do it…" Ste croaked, his voice breaking in fear as he tried to grasp the material of Brendan's trousers. But once again, he couldn't hold on. Brendan took hold of his hand instead, and squeezed it tightly.

"You don't think I know how this works?" He said bluntly. "You're not the only one to have gone through this, Stephen, now jus' try and calm down."

"Stay with me."

"I'm goin' to. Jus' try lyin' down. Lie down."

Ste did as he was told, letting his head fall onto the pillow and closing his eyes tightly to stop the ceiling spinning around above him. With his eyes shut it felt like the whole world was rocking violently, about to toss him off at any minute. But he could still feel Brendan's fingers pressing toughly against his own.

When he opened his eyes again it was dark. The curtains were drawn, there was a glass of water by his side, and the duvet was pulled over him. The clock read 4:52am. How did that happen?

He sat up, taking in a long breath. It felt better now... more quiet and serene with just the faint sound of the clock ticking in the kitchen. And glancing around the darkened room, he recognised for the first time that it was Brendan's. Dark grey duvet, plain walls, a framed photo of Dec and Padraig, and a half-empty bottle of scotch on the chest of draws. The faint smell of his aftershave wafted lightly in the air. One of his suits hung on the back of the door.

Brendan wasn't in here though. He must have gone to the spare room to sleep, although Ste wished he wouldn't have. Even now, having just woken up, a surreal sense of isolation and loneliness consumed him. He needed to piss, but he was still wearing his jeans… he couldn't undo the button with his own fucking hands.

"Brendan?"

"Hmm… whassup…"

"Brendan, it's me."

Brendan's eyes peeled open, his fist rubbing instinctively over his lids as he prised himself off the sofa that he'd been sleeping on. Ste felt embarrassed now, waking him for no good reason other than the need for company.

"How ye feelin'?" Brendan asked groggily.

"Better. Thanks." Ste swallowed. "How come you're on the settee?"

"Oh just… in case ye needed anythi… I don't… jus' fell asleep." Brendan dismissed the question uncomfortably, but he'd said enough for Stephen to understand: Ste was in the downstairs bedroom, so Brendan stayed downstairs too… just in case. It filled Ste with both a feeling of embarrassment but also an admitted gratitude at such a gesture.

It even made him feel comfortable enough to slide onto the sofa beside Brendan, fumbling awkwardly with the blanket to get a piece of it over himself as well.

"Alrigh'?" Brendan raised an amused eyebrow.

"Hm." Ste smiled weakly. He felt tired and drained, and resisted the urge to fall against Brendan's naked chest to sleep… which was completely possible right now. "You coulda stayed in the room with me, you know."

"I didn't know if you'd like that."

"Yeah."

"Oh right…" Brendan nodded, thinking those words over in his head and trying to depict the meaning from them. Wasn't Stephen the one adamant on being just friends?

"Maybe next time or somethin'." Ste mumbled quietly.

"Er… yeah, maybe."

Brendan glanced upwards and saw that Stephen was looking at him… his eyes unwavering upon Brendans' face with such vast sincerity it was hard to look away. Those eyes spoke volumes; the pain, the embarrassment, the gratitude, the surprise… and something else. Something Brendan didn't think he'd see in Stephen again. Trust.

And then in one small simple gesture, Ste moved forwards and touched his lips lightly against Brendan's. It wasn't suggestive, but nor was it dispassionate… it was just a kiss. It lasted a mere second, but spoke for so much longer. Before Ste's head nestled gently against Brendan's chest and his eyes sunk shut again.