This chapter, as all of them, was beta'd by my dear Icescim.

The Philosophy of Self

Chapter Four

:I think I killed my family.:

He hadn't been lying when he'd told Sakura he'd felt ill—the thought made him sick. But it also touched off another round of confusion and self-questioning.

Sakura had said that he'd been a nukenin. Was it because he had killed his family? But, then… While he hadn't exactly received a warm welcome, nobody had treated him like a murderer. He doubted they would have left him alive, if he had murdered his whole Clan. At the very least, they wouldn't be keeping him in a hospital room, secure ward or no.

And yet.

:I think I killed my family.:

If his hands hadn't been strapped to his bed, he would have cradled his face in them, his mind an agony of emotion and thought. If he had murdered them, why did the thought of it make his chest tighten and burn? If he'd murdered them, why hadn't he been punished? Why was he still alive?

:Have I gone mad? Or… am I going mad?:

Sakura balanced the kunai on her fingertips, watching the light of her desklamp glint off its edges. Her face was carefully devoid of all traces of emotion, which was half an attempt to convince herself that she wasn't feeling anything and half an attempt to keep what she wouldn't admit to feeling under control. A flick of her fingers set the kunai to spinning as she let herself sink deeper into her thoughts.

Sasuke—or, no, Uchiha-san—had been responding to the sight of the Village. At least until he'd remembered his family. Then he'd clammed up, which, really, Sakura couldn't blame him for. It was just… It was odd, treating him like a stranger. And to have him treating her like a stranger.

It also made her frustrated. She wanted to be angry at him, for all the pain he'd put Team Seven through. For deserting Konoha. For joining Orochimaru, even though the damned Snake Sannin clearly only wanted to steal Sasuke's body. For being such an idiot as to think that creature could offer him something Konoha couldn't.

Sakura snatched the kunai out of its spin, and—quick as a flash—drove it two inches into the wood surface of her desk.

But how can she stay angry when he doesn't even remember what he did? When he can't remember himself, or her, save what her name was? He didn't treat her with contempt or annoyance, like he had when they were children. Instead, there was only… courtesy. Polite, aloof, he spoke quietly and used honorifics.

It made her feel wretched, the way she'd snapped at him when he'd first woken. It probably confused him. He wouldn't have understood who she was or why she was so angry at him.

She broke her control, and scowled fiercely.

Damned if she wasn't going soft again, making allowances for him. And worst of all, she wasn't sure if she was upset with herself for it. On the one hand, it would be unjust of her to make him suffer for crimes he didn't remember, and couldn't defend himself against. But on the other… He'd hurt them, and she wanted him to know.

The wood squeaked when she pulled the kunai out of it. Laying the weapon on its side, she sighed.

Perhaps she was still weak and pathetic, but… She was going to forgive him. If Sasuke repented for what he'd done, she'd welcome him back. She wouldn't trust him much at all, but she wouldn't hate him. None of Team Seven could hate him; they had that bond that formed between people who had survived together. First Zabuza, then the Chuunin exam… They'd all saved each others' lives. It was difficult to hate someone after that.

She just hoped that if—when—Sasuke regained his memories, he'd feel the same way.

Four ANBU watched him at all times, he'd discovered. Likely since they'd brought him back from where ever they'd found him—but since he'd been unconscious for quite a while after that, and then weak and confused when he did regain consciousness, he hadn't noticed until now.

He wasn't surprised. He'd been a nukenin; he remembered that, even without Sakura's reminder. He was also something of a loose cannon right now; without his memories he had no antagonism toward Konoha, but if he should regain them and find grievance with the Village… His current benign status could change very quickly. So they watched him very closely.

It put him on edge, though, as his instincts—untouched by his apparent amnesia—twitched at the constant feeling of being watched. He slept poorly.

Which was why, when Sakura came into his room and saw the wan look that had thinned his features, she frowned and reached for him with a glowing hand.

"I have been having trouble sleeping," he said mildly. She, like most doctors and med-nins, checked him anyway, as if he couldn't be trusted to know what was wrong with himself. Her hand withdrew, and she looked at him with a furrowed brow.

"Do you know why? Have you been having headaches? Nausea? Other pain?"

"I have had headaches occasionally," he admitted. He'd decided that it would be best if they didn't know he could sense his keepers. The headaches were a convenient excuse. Sakura searched his face, with an indecipherable look. She licked her lips and looked away.

"Sometimes with amnesia patients, reoccurring headaches may herald the return of memories," she said, "either in whole or in part."

He was silent. She asked: "Have you remembered anything since last time?"

A pause. Then, "A pale man with yellow eyes and the flesh of a snake. I killed him."

"Orochimaru," Sakura said flatly. "He was a nukeninof Konoha, and a horrible criminal. He performed experiments on living people…"

"He wanted the Sharingan. But I wouldn't let him have it," he murmured.

"Good," Sakura said. She turned on her heel and went to the door. At the threshold, she said over her shoulder: "I am having a meeting with the Hokage today about your progress. If we have facilities where we can house you, you'll be discharged from the hospital this afternoon."

"I see," he responded, and she left.

Sakura paused outside Sasuke's door, and took a moment to breathe deep calming breaths. The way he'd talked about Orochimaru… He sounded so disdainful. Like he wouldn't have given the Snake Sannin the time of the day. But then, why? Why would he have joined him? If he'd found Orochimaru so contemptible, what would have driven him to becoming the Sannin's pupil? Contempt seemed to imply a disregard of value, or more aptly, the belief of worthlessness. But if Sasuke—Uchiha-san—had believed what Orochimaru could teach him was worthless…

"Argh!" Sakura snarled softly to herself, mussing her hair in frustration. She just wanted Sasuke to regain his stupid memories so she could hear his reasons, and then punch him through a wall for them! Her hands dropped from her head and she huffed a breath through her nose. Shaking her hair back into some semblance of order, she went to meet with Tsunade.

Being the Hokage's pupil and sometime-assistant had its advantages—one of which was accelerated access to the Hokage. Instead of having to wait for the Hokage to get a bit of time open for a meeting, lower priority items on Tsunade's table were shifted to allow Sakura to report on her mission when she needed to.

"We already have considered the problem of where to house the Uchiha," Tsunade responded to the implicit question at the end of Sakura's report. "There is a building outfitted with apartment suites close to ANBU headquarters. We reserve it for 'diplomatic'—" Tsunade's dry tone gave the word an amused spin "—guests from other Hidden Villages. Kumo, and Iwa, and the like. Because of their questionable standings and intentions, the suites were built with a mind toward surveillance and possible detainment. Arrays are incorporated into the walls that are quiescent until charged, where-upon they become containment seals. The ventilation system is also designed so that we can pipe gas into specific sections. And, of course, the layout was created to facilitate ANBU surveillance of the residents."

"I…see," Sakura said, having been unaware that such a thing existed. "We don't… house our actual allies in there, do we?"

Tsunade shrugged. "Yes. In terms of ninja diplomacy, such fail-safes are the norm. All the Hidden Villages have guest building with similar specs… At least, the Villages that actually allow foreign diplomats into their borders. Nobody complains because there would be no winner in such an argument. If they forced us to get rid of our surveillance, then we would have ample cause to do the same; it may be odd, but there is balance."

Sakura didn't quite know what to say. So she settled with: "Oh."

Tsunade folded her arms. "Anyway, I have a bit of important information to pass on to you."

By the Sannin's grim expression, Sakura wasn't going to like it.

"The Council has decided that Sasuke's trial will be in a week's time."

Sakura nearly choked. "What? But that's nowhere near enough time for me to—!"

"I know. But that is as late as they were willing to let me push it. They wanted to drag him to trial as soon as he woke; they claimed it was because we couldn't risk his getting loose. Believe me, I used everything I legitimately could to stall it." She looked at her apprentice. "I'm afraid you'll have to push him."

"Damn it!" Sakura hissed. "But pushing him could…"

"Put his sanity at risk? Yes, but there doesn't seem to be a choice. The Council has clipped my wings rather neatly," Tsunade said bitterly.

Sakura scowled darkly. By pushing Sasuke to regain his memories within seven days, she would be placing considerable psychological strain on him. They weren't even sure why he had amnesia. What if it was because something horribly traumatizing had happened to him, and his mind had locked itself up as a defense? And even if it wasn't… If—when—he regained his memories, he'd find himself in the middle of the Village he'd deserted, the Village he'd demonstrated he no longer held any affection for, about to be brought up on charges. It was entirely possible that he could react negatively. And that was a bit of an understatement.

"At least there will be ANBU on hand if it comes to that," Sakura muttered to herself.

"Yes, well, be that as it may…" Tsunade cleared her throat, apparently having overheard, "Be as careful as you can."

"Yeah, right," Sakura griped. "Those idiots on the Council have clipped all of our wings."

"Don't speak that way where others can hear," Tsunade cautioned. Sakura made a gesture.

"I may be a lowly Chuunin, Shishou, but I'm hardly a fool." Her mouth twisted a little. "Not as much of one as to badmouth the Council where their ears may hear it, anyway."

"Remember that," Tsunade bade. Sakura sobered at her Hokage's serious tone.

"Yes, Hokage-sama."