CHAPTER FOUR

GUILT

DECEMBER 25TH

I had told Mr. Brunner that I would like to enter the competition. He was only so happy to help me. We worked together after school on verses and stanzas. He would also help me choose which poems to enter and find out how many that I could enter to help my chances.

Anything to help with college.

I clicked on my lap top until I got to a poem. I read it out loud to myself – trying to get inspiration for something great.

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream

I broke off, sighing. Some of the poems I read or wrote... the brought back memories and feelings that I wasn't willing to deal with. But I was forced to deal with them everyday.

Yet if hope had flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I heard someone at the door and turned to see Bianca coming into the room in her pajamas. It was five in the morning.

"Hey, Bee. What are you doing up this early?"

She held her teddy bear in her arms, sleepy still, "It's Christmas!"

I laughed. I stood and picked her up, "Yes it is! Let's go see how many presents you have."

I brought her downstairs and saw my dad sleeping on the couch. I whispered to Bianca, "Let's let him sleep. Be very quiet."

Bianca nodded and started looking through her presents.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! Yet how the creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep – while I weep!

Soon dad woke up and he and Bianca split the presents into piles. Dad suddenly held a small package out to me, "From your mother."

It was just a card with a phone key chain. The card was a post card from San Francisco. My mom and David had moved there. It told me how great things were in San Francisco. And that she wished me a Merry Christmas.

So I ripped it up.

I stood quietly and went back to the kitchen, checking on the breakfast cake I was making. I fingered the necklace Jasper gave me while I leaned against the counter.

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! Can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

When I got ready for bed, I was slow and mechanical. I could hear Bianca giggling and water splashing as she took a bath before Dad put her to bed. I sighed and shivered. I looked over and noticed my window was opened.

I had locked it.

I walked over and saw that the lock had been broken. Someone was in my room. I gasped loudly and looked around my room – maybe it was... him?

My eyes fell on my bedside table. There was single red rose. No note.

I sighed as I watched the volleyball match. Angela practically begged me to come. So I did. For her.

Angela snapped pictures and chatted with me. I didn't offer much to the conversation but she didn't seem to mind. I sighed again.

Angela peered at me through her lens, "Is something wrong? You're sighing a lot."

I shook my head, "Just the usual."

Angela slowly lowered her camera, "You miss him a lot, don't you?"

It was the first time anyone had mentioned him. Everyone tip toed around me and Bella like we were suicidal. I hated it. Angela seemed sheepish but she wasn't tip toeing.

I sighed and nodded, "Everyday. It's... unbearable."

Angela nodded, compassionate, "I can't say I know how you're feeling but... things can get hard and they always find a way to go good again. Everything will be okay."

I wrung my hands and looked down, "I hope so."

"Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?" I finished quietly. I looked over at Bella. Nothing. She was still sitting on that rocking chair, staring out at nothing. I sighed and tweaked her ear, "Please say something Bella."

I had to go home soon, though. I felt I had gotten nowhere with her. It's not like I was much better. But things were about to get worse.

When I got home, my mother was there.

I dropped my bag onto the floor, "What's going on? Mom... what are you doing here?"

My dad stood up from the couch, quietly, "Um... I was sent a draft of the divorce papers... your mother had some changes to make.."

I narrowed my eyes at her, "What kind of changes?"

My mother cleared her throat, "You and Bianca will move back to San Francisco and live with me and David."

I gaped at her. Shocked. Disgusted. Appalled. "No."

My mother looked surprised – I don't know why. "This isn't up for debate."

I looked at dad, "Did you sign those?"

My dad shook his head, "No, I haven't."

"Good," I looked at my mother, "I'm not living with you and your mistress. Forget it."

My mother gaped at me, "You don't have a choice."

"I'm 18," I pointed out, "You can't legally make me do anything. I'm an adult and I get a choice. And I choose to live here with dad."

My mom scoffed, "I've heard the stories going around town. You and this Bella girl just shut down after your precious Cullens left."

"Don't you dare-" I started shouting.

But dad held out his hand, signaling me to stop. He sighed and looked at my mother, "Darlene, that was uncalled for. Heather has been doing just fine."

She didn't look convinced, "Oh, please. She'd be much better off with me and David in her home."

"San Francisco isn't my home, mother," I told her, "Forks is. I don't know what people are saying but I'm just fine here. I'm doing well in school, I'm going to games with my friends, I'm even in a competition for a scholarship of 20,000 dollars. I'm fine here with Dad and Bianca. And you here is screwing everything up. You screw everything up. So why don't you do us all a favor and just disappear again? You seem to be good at that."

With that I stormed out of the room, grabbing my bag on the way. When I got into my room I heard shouting downstairs. I collapsed onto my bed and screamed into my pillow.

THIRD PERSON POV

Heather sighed in her sleep again. She seemed to do that a lot. Jasper didn't know if that was a good things or a bad thing. He felt her... numbness. But he also felt how much she tried to put on a brave face for her family and friends. But she couldn't do it forever.

He gently brushed the tips of his fingers across her cheek, sighing inaudibly to himself. He'd been watching her - sleep, too - for almost a month now. He'd made the decision not to completely abandon her. He stayed close, kept her safe. But he resigned himself to the fact that he wasn't good enough for her. So he didn't reveal himself to her. Maybe he would - he didn't know.

She sighed again. "...Jasper..."

Jasper felt like someone actually tried to stake him in the heart.

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