I went to go take a shower; usually the warm water helped me clear my mind. It didn't help that morning.
I didn't eat any breakfast, so I climbed into my car and drove to school. It was freezing outside, but I didn't want to wear a jacket. I would've rather been cold than feel the pain that I caused.
When I got to school, almost no one was there. I looked at my car's clock, and it was only seven o'clock. School didn't start for another hour.
I pulled out my iPod from my backpack and put each headphone in my ears. I didn't know what music to play, or what I wanted to listen to, so I just pressed play. Airplanes by B.o.B and Haley Williams started playing. The lyrics flew through my head.
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.
I closed my eyes and lay my head back on the top of my seat. After that song, I didn't pay attention to anything I was listening to. All I knew was that music was keeping me from thinking all the horrible thoughts that could've been running through my mind.
Something broke my thoughts. It was Nessie knocking at my window. I reached over and unlocked the door; she climbed in.
She smiled. "Hey, Ana. Why are you sitting all alone in your car? All the guys are over there, and we miss you."
I sighed. "I don't want to go over there."
"Why not?" She sounded concerned. "Is something wrong?"
"Embry and I got into a fight last night," I whispered. "I told him to leave me alone."
"Honey, why would you do that?"
I finally looked at her. "Because I can't like him."
"Why?"
"Because, I can't trust guys anymore."
"That makes no sense, Ana."
"Did I ever tell you that my mom died?"
"Not directly, but the whole town was talking about it before you came."
"Does everyone know how she died?"
She shook her head.
"Well, my mom was amazing: beautiful, funny, smart, everything you would want in a wife and a mom. I loved her so much, but I was so rebellious that it was hard for her to ever get close to me; I regret that I did that now."
"That's not your fault, and that doesn't explain anything," she whispered.
"I'm not done." I ran my hair through my hair. "So, one night, she was coming home from work. Our house was so close that she could walk to and from work everyday. That wasn't the safest thing, but it worked for her. We didn't really have much money, so it was nice that we could walk to most places.
"Anyways, we had a strange relationship, but I loved her so much, I just rarely told her that. One night, she was walking home from work. She had to stay late, so it was dark out. My dad and I were waiting at home for her.
"We didn't hear from her for four hours, so my dad called her work, and they said she had left hours ago to come home. My dad called the police, obviously being worried. They said they would file it as a missing persons report, but that they couldn't assure anything. My dad told me to go to bed, and I couldn't. My mom was always home on time, and there was a reason she wasn't.
"At seven in the morning, the police knocked on our door. They had their hats off and asked to talk to my father. I called him downstairs, and the police talked to him for about thirty minutes. I sat in the living room, trying to hear what they were talking about.
"Once they left, my dad decided I needed to know the truth. He told me that they found my mother's body in a dumpster behind her work. She was cut across the stomach, wrists, and neck. She was also naked. They ran some tests, and they found out that she was raped and killed by a few passer-bys in the neighborhood. I cried for hours and hours without stopping. I didn't know how to handle it, or what I could do to sooth myself. The guys that killed her were to men from her work; their DNA matched the same that was on my mother's vagina.
"That's when my dad decided to move to La Push."
Nessie sighed. "I'm sorry, Ana, but I still don't see what that has to do with you leaving Embry."
"My mom knew those guys," I whispered. "They came over to our house; even I knew them. After my mother was killed, I realized that I could never trust any male again. That's why I can't like Embry; I can't like anyone."
"Have you told Embry this?" she asked.
I shook my head. "No, but it's not something I want to share."
"If he knew this, and if you told him, I'm sure you would feel a lot better about liking him."
I sighed. "I don't want to like him; I'm too scared."
"If you live your life afraid of everything, you're never going to be happy. I'm sure your mom doesn't want this for you; I'm sure she wants you to be happy and take chances and live life to the fullest, and you can't do that if you're scared of everything."
"I guess you're right." I sighed again. "But how am I going to fix this?"
"Call Embry, talk to him."
"He won't just come back; I told him to leave."
She shrugged. "You never know if you don't try."
"I guess. I'll call him tonight."
She smiled. "Good. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know I'm here."
"Yeah, I do."
"Good." She hugged me. "Do you want to come hang out with us or not?"
"No, I'm gonna stay alone today."
"Okay, but you know where to find me."
"Yeah, I do."
She smiled. "See you later."
"Wait!" I called.
She stopped. "Yeah."
"Can I have a hug?"
She smiled and hugged me.
"What are you doing here?" I realized that she didn't go to the school.
"I have the day off," she chuckled. "You need me, come over there, or call me."
"Okay. Thanks."
"Bye Ana."
I lay my head back. It was going to be a long day.