Disclaimer: I own everything but their names.

July 17, 2001 – Santa Cruz, California

"Something I shouldn't."

Three little words and one look, and the hope inside me bloomed like a flower petal seeking its first rays of sun after a long winter. My heart pounded. I wanted so badly to believe what he'd said was true, that in some weird way, he was actually admitting – without truly saying the words – that he felt the same as me. That he wanted me.

But… if he thought he shouldn't, if he'd already convinced himself it was wrong, that I was wrong…well, what kind of chance did we have?

Really, who could blame him? I was this young, inexperienced girl fresh out of high school. I had barely lived.

And at twenty-six, Edward had lived quite a bit. He'd finished college. Married. Had a beautiful son. Divorced. Lost a parent…

The things in his past didn't matter to me, but I wondered if the lack of things in mine mattered to him.

"Why shouldn't you?" I asked.

Edward laughed dryly. He stood, pacing in front of me as he spoke, hands motioning wildly around him. "Why shouldn't I? Because, Bella… you deserve so much more. Jasper was right. You deserve to be young; have fun. Do the things you want. You don't deserve to be tied down to someone like me, who comes with a ready-made family and almost as much baggage as a seven-thirty-seven."

So, I was right. That annoyed me. "You think I can't handle your baggage?"

He stopped moving. "That's not what I said," he argued. "I'm saying you shouldn't have to. And I refuse to ask that of you… no matter how much I might want it."

My chest heaved up and down as I breathed heavily, stomach and heart filled with anticipation. "You know that saying… If you're not willing to go out and get the food, you must not be that hungry?"

He stared at me, eyes focused and bright. He had that feral, raw look about him again; like he was suddenly the hungriest man in the world.

"You have no idea how hungry I am," he said, his voice gruff.

"Prove it, then," I challenged. "I'm asking you to prove it. I'm asking you to forget what you think and do what you want, because trust me," I stopped speaking and cleared my throat. "I want it, too. So much."

"You don't know what you're asking." He stepped closer and I leaned forward.

"I know exactly what I'm asking."

"I'm scared, Bella," he admitted, turning away from me. "It's been a long time, you know? Since Mak and I split up, shit, before that. We didn't, I mean… we hadn't, in a really long damn time. And after everything, I didn't even think about any of this. Women, dating, sex. All of that was the furthest thing from my mind. Lisle was – is – the most important thing in my life. He's what I care about most in this world, and that's never going to change."

It was the most I think I'd ever heard him speak at once, and I hung on every word as he poured his heart and soul and everything else out into the air between us.

"I know that," I said.

He turned back to me. "The day you walked in here was the first time I'd noticed a woman in so long, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like. You were beautiful, and you rambled all cute and then, I saw you with my son. He doesn't warm up to anyone, but he loves you. He loved you that first day…" he sighed. "So, yeah, I'm hungry. I want it. I want you. But I'm scared; I'm scared to death to ask you to take all of this on, because if I do…"

I huffed and narrowed my eyes, angry all of a sudden. He'd said on more than one occasion that we always had choices, and it was up to us what we did with them. He had no right to make this choice for both of us just because he was scared.

"I may be young, Edward, but I'm not a child. Let me make my own choice here. Just like this morning, you can't just shut me off and shut me down without giving me a chance. It's not fair to either of us."

My eyes burned with the threat of tears and everything inside me throbbed. I was a mass of so many emotions. I didn't which to focus on first.

Edward looked down, body language conveying shame. He came closer, lowering himself to the floor in front of me. "I'm sorry I didn't show up this morning. I just… I needed, fuck, I don't know. I needed space. Time. I'd convinced myself that I needed to get over you and forget about what I wanted. I didn't know how you felt… I couldn't picture myself asking you to make a commitment to me."

I reached up and touched his cheek. "What if I want you to, though? Ask me, I mean. What if I want you to ask?"

"I can't," he whispered, voice strained. He closed his eyes and turned his face into my palm. "I can't ask you. You'd have to be all in, Bella. You'd have to stay." His eyes opened and he looked at me so seriously.

I understood what he meant, though. If I agreed, I would be giving up everything. I'd stay here. With him. With Lisle.

I'd be trading in my dreams for a chance at loving him.

"You have to understand that I can't let you into mine and my son's life unless I know for sure that you're not going to disappear on us. I've been through that before, and I… I can't go through it again. I just… can't."

The ache in my chest grew because I knew he'd been hurt before, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was do the same. I would have promised him the world if I had it to give. There was no question for me; I didn't care about the consequences of the choice I was making, I only thought of getting what I wanted.

I was going to be there for the next four years anyway, so why not spend them with Edward?

"I'm not going anywhere," I said, and at that moment, I meant it.

First I have to say that I apologize for being absolute fail at review replies yesterday. I opted to spend some time writing last night, and well, let's just say I fell asleep much earlier than planned. Please know that I read and cherish every single one, and that I am grateful to all of you.

Thank you for reading, I will do my best to catch up tonight!

Reviews are love.

Until tomorrow!

xx