A/N: Hey guys!
Okay so, just so you don't get confused:
****This chapter takes place Monday (the same day as last chapter, only shows what Clare was up to that morning also).****
Clare lay in her bed, wrapped in a bundle of blankets as she stared at the ceiling. She'd lowered the heat in her room the past couple of nights purposely so that she'd be able to feel the comfort of her blankets.
Though she knew she could most likely get the same comfort from being in Drew's arms..., she just couldn't face anyone. Not right now.
Not like this.
No one would understand how she was feeling.
Clare uncovered her face from the blanket and looked at the clock on her bedside table. It read 7:55.
She knew her brother and parents would all be leaving the house at around 8:00AM. Then, she'd finally be able to leave her room to go use the bathroom and possibly eat. Because eating wasn't exactly on her priority list at the moment.
Clare thought about how she was before she met Drew. She'd stay in her room every moment she wasn't in school and listen to music. She didn't eat much. She didn't fix up her hair or wear make-up. She kept her distance from people and barely said a word to anyone.
She'd just lay there on her bed like she was now; thinking about Alli and pining over her guilt. Thinking about how she deserved death more than the thousands of innocent people who die each day of hunger and genocide.
And how she deserved an even more terrible death than either of the two. She deserved to be shot over and over and die very slowly.
When had her thoughts become so dark?...
Then she thought of life after Drew. Clare started talking.
She had opened up to Drew in their very first conversation. He was the only one she talked to for a while, though. He was special.
And then Bianca came around. Her and B were fast friends, but it took a while to truly open up to her about a lot of things.
Life after Drew permitted her to smile more. Life after Drew prompted her to care about her appearance just a little. Life after Drew helped her forget, just for a moment, about Alli. About the guilt. About everything. She allowed herself to be happy for just a minute.
But that minute is up. She wouldn't allow herself happiness any longer. She had let her guard down and she needed to build it back up.
But she knew she wouldn't be able to accomplish that once she saw the faces of her ones she loved; Dear Drew, Bianca and Adam.
So she'd just hide out here in her room for as long as she could.
Suddenly, Clare heard a loud thud/banging noise. She looked at the clock.
8:01
They all must have just left. She tiredly arose fro, her bed and made her way to her door after turning off her music. She quietly made her way down the stairs, making sure she was surely alone.
When she realized she was, she decided to take a quick shower. Even she was getting tired of her own BO...
Once she escaped the shower she tied her wet hair up into a bun and changed into a clean pair of sweatpants and her favorite Paramore tee.
As she went back downstairs to watch some TV, she noticed a piece of chocolate cake sitting out that was calling her name.
Glen was allergic to chocolate and her mom didn't eat sweets much. So she figured it was probably Jake's.
Hmmm... I'm sure he wouldn't mind sharing, right?, Clare thought slyly.
Nah, actually he definitely would... Oh, well!
She grabbed the slice of cake and took a huge bite. She sighed with satisfaction at the amazing-tasting chocolate. Suddenly, she noticed a napkin on the pate underneath the cake. There was writing on it! A note, specifically...
Why would there be a note on this napkin...?, she thought.
It read:
Clare,
I know chocolate's your fav. Enjoy!
-Jake
PS: hope you feel better sis...
Clare half-smiled at this. She was grateful for people who cared about her. But they just didn't understand that she wasn't deserving of their love...
She took the cake then sat on the couch where she'd watch tv for a few hours.
CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...CE...
Clare sat in her living room watching SpongeBob; the jokes that used to make her laugh no longer having any affect on her.
She looked at the clock that now read 3:00.
School had just let out at Degrassi and Jake would be home soon being that he had no afterschool activities to attend to.
Clare sighed. She picked up the remote and turned off the tv. She rose to her feet and made her way back upstairs to her room.
After turning on her music, she got back in bed, once again wrapping herself in her covers.
How long would she have to do this until she could be strong enough to face the world without letting people in?...
Clare rested n her bed as she closed her eyes, hoping to close her eyes and just forget it all for a few hours.
As Clare drifted into sleep, she did not hear the sound of her friends entering the house on the first floor.
~ D ~ A ~ B ~ J ~
Drew, Adam, Bianca and Jake all entered Jake and Clare's home that afternoon.
"Okay. Now what's the plan, guys?", Bianca inquired.
She received blank stares from all three boys.
"You mean to tell me that none of you have thought about how we're going to get Clare out of her room?", she asked sounding annoyed.
They all shrugged.
Bianca sighed while gripping her nose with her thumb and index finger.
"Well have you thought of anything?", Drew asked her.
"Knocking on her door until she lets us in...?", she suggested guiltily, wishing she had thought of a better idea.
"Good luck with that", Jake spoke up. "You'll be lucky if she even hears us knocking, let alone opening the door"
Bianca sighed realizing what he meant. Clare had her stereo blasted so loud that Bianca could hear every word of the song currently playing.
"Well I'm gonna try, anyway", Drew announced.
"Bro, there's no way-", Adam started. But Drew didn't pay him any mind.
He was determined to get Clare out of that room and back to her normal self.
Drew made his way up the stairs to her room. He banged as loud as he could on the door. He continued banging and banging for about ten minutes, occasionally calling out her name. But, as they all had expected there was no answer.
Little did they know, on the other side of that door was a sleeping Clare. Drew wasn't being ignored. Clare just did not hear him.
Drew looked down at his now reddened knuckles. He grunted in pain.
He sighed and made his way back downstairs where they all sat listening to him calling out for Clare and receiving no answer; thinking of ways to get her out.
"What are we gonna do, guys?", Drew questioned woefully.
"We could body-slam ourself into the door to break it down like you see in the movies", Bianca said jokingly.
Adam chuckled, "Yeah or just take it off the hinges".
"Man, that's genius", Jake said.
Adam laughed until he saw the serious expression on Jake's face. "Wait... Dude, you're serious?"
"Yeah- well, no... We can't do that, exactly. But we can detach the doorknob!", Jake clarified.
"Do you know how?", Bianca asked anxiously.
"Of course. Are you forgetting my dad's a carpenter?", Jake chuckled.
"Yay!", Bianca squealed as she threw her arms around Jake gratefully. This earned them a confused yet displeased look from Adam.
Drew noticed this and was also just anxious to get the door open ASAP. "Alright guys! C'mon, let's do this"
Jake smiled as Bianca released him. "'Kay, I'll go get my tool box"
Jake ran upstairs with Drew following close behind him, anxious to get the door open so he could see Clare's beautiful face.
"Good luck, you guys!", Bianca called out to them.
She then plopped down on the couch next to a slightly agitated Adam.
He tried to hide any sign of him being annoyed. He didn't want Bianca to know of his jealousy of Jake. What if all this time he was just imagining things and Bianca never actually had a thing for Adam. It's not like he's ever asked her out or anything. So technically, Bianca was fair game if Jake wanted her. But that didn't rid of Adam's jealousy.
Bianca sighed, breaking Adam's attention away from his thoughts. "I really hope they can remove the lock"
"Me too" he admitted.
She smiled at him. "So how are things with you?"
"Hmm what kind of things?", he returned her smile.
"I dunno. Just things. School, things at home,...girls?"
Adam felt his heart stop for a split second. "Umm, school's good. Home's fine. Girls are... A little shady"
"Hmm, shady how?", she asked sounding interested.
"Shady as in...Hard to read"
"Ohhh... Who's the girl?", she asked slyly.
He was silent for a moment. "So, how are things with you?", he asked, ignoring her question.
She scoffed and then giggled. "Oh, fine. Be like that, Torres. I'm not gonna forget about your secret crush, whoever she may be"
Adam laughed. "Don't worry, I'll probably tell you who she is...someday. But really, how are things with you?"
"Things are...okay. School is school. Home is eh. Boys are..."
She looked at him before continuing. "Boys are really really good"
He smiled a small smile, meanwhile he was dying inside. Was she talking about Jake?
"So who's the lucky dude?", he inquired curiously.
She looked down at her lap to hide her blushing. "You'll find out someday I guess... Just not now"
He nodded his head acceptingly. "Okay"
They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, listening to the sound of tools clanging together from Jake trying to remove the doorknob from Clare's door along with the music being emitted from Clare's stereo.
"So Jake... He's a pretty good guy, huh?"
Did I just say that?, Adam thought.
"Yeah", Bianca replied almost immediately. "He's awesome! He's a really great guy"
Adam's heart dropped. Damn it, he thought.
D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C D&C
Meanwhile, Jake and Drew were outside Clare's door upstairs. Jake kneeled before the door, unscrewing some pieces from the doorknob with his screwdriver. Drew stood pacing back and forth. He was starting to get worried. What if something was seriously wrong?
What if they got the door open and she wasn't even in there?
Jake noticed Drew's anxiousness and frankly the pacing back and forth was beginning to irritate him. "Dude, don't give yourself a panic attack. You'll get to see Clare soon enough"
Drew sighed as he stopped pacing. "I'm sorry it's just...- Dude, what if she's not even in there? What if something serious happened and we're too ignorant to realize?"
Jake exhaled heavily as he continued fidgeting with the tools and parts of the doorknob. "Man, she's in there. I left her some chocolate cake with a note this morning and it's gone"
"So what does that prove?", Drew asked.
"Um, that there's little shoe-maker elves in our house, of course", Jake replied sarcastically.
Drew rolled his eyes.
Suddenly a loud clanging noise came from the doorknob piece Jake was fighting with to release from its latch on the door.
They both grew wide eyed realizing the knob was now fully detached from the door.
Jake rose to his feet holding the knob. "You do know you're putting this back on later, right?"
Drew sighed in relief as he walked toward the door. "Sure whatever, man"
"Hey, Jake?", Drew called after him.
"Yeah?", he replied about to make his way downstairs.
"Thanks for this", Drew bade.
"No prob"
Drew took a deep breath bracing himself before pushing the door to Clare's room open.
He stepped in her room to see a body laying under the covers of the bed. He quietly walked over to her stereo, lowering the music. He took notice that one of her favorite songs were playing.
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things you do...
Yellow by Coldplay was, in her opinion, "Amazing!".
He made his way over to the bed and smiled when he saw his girlfriend wrapped up comfortably in a wool blanket. A few rays of sun came through the blinds, shining in her light brown curls. The rise and fall of her chest calmed his nerves knowing she was safe and sound.
He couldn't help but notice the look on her face. She looked...broken.
Maybe he was just seeing things. She was sleeping, after all. But she was Clare. She had a peaceful aura about her all the time.
He had almost never seen such brokenness in her. The last time he'd seen that in her was when he first met her in the football field that day.
She'd cried for hours, screaming at the skies asking why, oh why had her best friend been subject to death.
He sat there just admiring her beauty for a few moments.
The music continued softly playing from her stereo
Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
He placed his hand on her arm caressing it comfortingly.
He then gripped her shoulder gently shaking her awake.
"Clare", he cooed softly.
"Clare, wake up..."
He saw her eyes begin to flutter open.
She moaned not wanting to be woken up. But then she opened her eyes fully, and they widened recognizing his face.
"Drew?", she asked confused.
She propped herself up with her hands. "What are you doing here?..."
This was the first interaction she'd had with another person in two days.
"Hun, I'm here to check up on you. You haven't contacted anyone in days. We're all worried about you"
"We?"
"Me, Adam, Bianca and Jake", he clarified. "They're all downstairs, actually"
She sighed heavily. How the hell was she supposed to distance herself from people and guard her heart when they would never just leave her alone?
Clare looked at her door. "How'd you get in here?"
"Jake detached the lock from your door"
Her eyes widened.
"Don't worry, I'll reattach it for you later"
She shook her head. "Didn't it ever cross your minds that I just might want to be alone for a while...?"
"Oh... Well yeah. But... I don't know I was just worried about you"
"Well don't be. I'm a big girl, Drew. Just because I don't show my face for a while, doesn't mean anything's wrong..."
"Um..." He begged to differ.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes"
"Well I'm not... Clare, what's wrong?"
Crap. He knew her way too well.
Clare sighed and shook her head. What was she supposed to say? She felt dumb for using the old 'My best friend is dead, that's what's wrong!' excuse so often.
Her thoughts swirrled her mind, clouding her brain from clear thinking and her mouth from straight talking. Her eyes filled with tears from all this complication and confusion.
"I just... I don't deserve to be happy, Drew! I don't even deserve to be alive!"
"What? Clare, where is this coming from?"
"It's coming from me! Every time I'm happy, I feel guilty! That's why you should all just leave me alone. I don't deserve you guys. I don't deserve you guys to love me. I don't deserve you, Drew..."
"Clare, I don't deserve you. I was a dumb player of a jock. I cheated on Alli! I went through girls like water. I'm pretty sure no one on this earth is innocent enough to even deserve the air we breathe. But we do. That's just how it is, Clare"
"But that's not the same. You don't understand, Drew. I killed someone. I killed my best friend!"
"No you didn't! Clare, you made a mistake, and I understand the guilt of it all. But you're going to have to forgive yourself of that at some point."
He put a comforting hand on her shoulder as she sighed in defeat not knowing what to say. The tears rolling down her cheeks broke his heart. He did not want her having to suffer through this pain.
"Look, the first time we talked at the Dot that night...you were quiet and sad all the time and you didn't talk much. But I still fell for you. I love you, no matter what, Clare. But because I love you, I want to see you happy. I wanna make you happy. Don't you remember our first kiss?"
She smiled, a pained look on her face.
He continued, "I came to your house because you said you were sick. I brought you flowers..."
She smiled and blushed slightly at the memory.
He took notice and a crept upon his face. "And when we kissed you freaked out and told me that us being together would be wrong. But I told you Alli wouldn't mind. Because she's in heaven and she's happy. You say you don't deserve to be happy because she's dead. But being dead isn't necissarily a bad thing. Because if you're in heaven... You're happier than any person who's alive"
Clare realized he was right and smiled, crying happy tears. It was a bitter-sweet moment. He took her head in his hands and kissed her forehead.
She smiled softly and fell subject to his arms. She didn't know if she'd ever be the same as she used to be before Alli's death. But at least now she had someone to hold onto and that would help her through it all.
He wrapped his arms around her and smiled as he heard her sniffle into his chest.
They heard a slight knock on the door frame and saw Bianca standing there. "Heyy...", she wore small, unsure smile. "Can I come in?..."
Clare nodded her head as she jumped off the bed and tackled her friend in a hug.
"I'm sorry I didn't call you or anything. I just-"
"Its fine, Edwards I'm just glad you're okay", Bianca smiled.
Jake walked in and saw the two girls hugging. "She's alive! Its a miracle" he chuckled.
Clare giggled. "Oh, you guysss", she cooed pulling them all into one big group hug.
A/N: Sooo...Whadd'ya think?
Reviews...please?:)
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