A/N: Thanks for all the reviews and support for my adventures in potty training. It feels good to know that I'm not the only one with a stubborn little weasel. LOL!

My prereader, Softragoo, is my sunshine in the dead of winter.

Song Rec: "My Body is a Cage" by Arcade Fire

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight

Chapter Eighteen

"Last piece is yours."

I groaned and rubbed my distended stomach. "I can't do it. Too much pizza. Must not eat more pizza."

Edward raised his eyebrows. "Are you turning down pizza? I never thought I'd see the day."

"Don't make fun or I'll vomit on you. I promise you, I will."

He grabbed the last slice and bit off the end.

"By the way, did Rose mention to you that they were going out Saturday night? She's taking Emmett to the club where Jake DJs." I paused before continuing, "She asked me if we wanted to tag along."

"What did you say?"

I shrugged. "I told her that I'd ask you about it."

"Do you want to go?"

"Part of me does and part of me doesn't. It'll be crowded since it'll be Saturday so I'm a little anxious about that but it would be good to get out. Jake has been hounding me for weeks to come see him."

He shifted uneasily on the couch. "I thought maybe we could go out tomorrow night. Dinner. Movie. Something date-like."

My eyebrows twitched upwards. "Really? Are you asking me out on our very first date?'

"Don't you think it's about time, considering I've already made a habit of exploring your tonsils with my tongue every night?"

I squeezed his knee with my fingers and he flinched involuntarily. "You're so romantic."

"So?"

"I'd love to go out with you, Edward. As long as you promise not to lax on the exploration part of our date," I teased.

Saturday rolled around fast and as soon as I got home from work, I retreated to the bathroom to get ready. Edward plopped down in front of the TV in his everyday clothes: A white t-shirt and jeans. His hair was still damp from a shower so I wondered if that was what he was wearing. He looked good no matter what he put on but I had planned on wearing the blue dress I'd gotten from Target and I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. I wasn't sure where we were going and he hadn't given me any hints so I decided to wear the dress anyway.

Thankfully, my bangs had grown in and they were starting to act slightly compliant with the help of a curling iron and some hairspray. I applied a little makeup and pulled on a sweater to ward off the cold. Rose had given me a pair of black heels and I stared at them for a while in thought. Flats weren't sexy but they were comfortable. I cursed softly to myself as I pushed my feet into the heels and paced a little in the bathroom to practice my footing. The walk down the hallway was slow and loud. Edward was still sitting on the couch, staring hypnotically at the TV. It was the first game of The World Series.

"Are you going to resent me for making you miss this game?"

"You're not making me—" He looked me up and down once, and then flipped the TV off with the remote in his hand. "Wow. You're beautiful."

I flushed. He'd changed into dark blue jeans and a dark blue dress shirt. My eyes glanced at the tiny bit of chest hair that poked up over the collar and I bit my bottom lip. Damn, he was gorgeous with his freshly shaved jaw and intense fiery eyes. I didn't feel worthy of this date.

My silence made him stutter. "Not that you're not always beautiful because you are but that dress…"—his eyes roamed slowly down my body—"…that color is…"

I shuffled my feet. "It sounds like you're trying to butter me up for something."

Amusement took over his face in the form of narrowed eyes and a smirk. "Maybe, I am."

"Are you ready to go? I'm starving."

He stood up and I grabbed my coat off the hook by his door. Before I could put it on, he twisted me around and attacked my mouth with his. His lean body pressed mine against the wall and his hands gripped my hips in a possessive manner, his fingers digging into my flesh. The kiss was hungry and we were both out of breath when he finally pulled away. He watched me recover as if he were trying to figure out a very complicated riddle.

"Did you get that out of the way so that we wouldn't be all awkward the whole time?"

He blinked. "What?"

I grinned. "You know, first date jitters and all. Get the kiss out of the way so we wouldn't be hem-hawing about it all through dinner?"

His eyebrow rose. "Did you actually just say 'hem-hawing'?"

"Yeah," I laughed. "What's wrong with that?"

"I don't think I've heard anyone use that phrase since my Grandma used it when she'd catch me with my head in the fridge. It used to annoy the shit out of her because I'd sit there and stare, letting all the cold air out."

"Why would you just stare in the fridge?"

He shrugged. "Food choices are critical to a teenage boy."

After some serious dress-straightening, I shrugged my coat on and he followed suit. He locked the door behind us and he offered me his arm. I took it with a grin.

"Hey! Guys!"

We turned around to see Emmett poking his head out his door.

"You guys meeting us at the club? We'll be there around 10pm. Rose is psyched to have a baby sitter for the entire night and she's really hoping you guys will be there." Esme and Carlisle had offered to keep Emily and Sam all night for them and they gladly took them up on their offer. Emily was determined to beat Carlisle at Wii bowling.

"We'll see where the night takes us, Emmett," Edward answered.

"Okay! Awesome! See you there!"

"He's such a good listener," Edward said, rolling his eyes.

"I'd hate to let Rose down," I told him as he opened my door for me when we got to his car. "She seems really excited about us going."

"This is our night, too, Bella. Rose will get over it if we decide not to go."

As he walked around the front of the car, I got a weird feeling. It was a prickly sensation that sent a shiver up my spine and over my scalp. With reluctance, I glanced around the car and found nothing unusual. The same cars sat on the street and the same groups of people huddled on the corner. But I couldn't shake it. I felt like I was being watched.

"What's wrong?" Edward buckled his seatbelt with a click and turned the engine over.

I shook myself, physically and mentally. "Nothing, I'm fine."

He didn't look convinced but carried on by shifting into reverse. It was probably nothing; after-effects of the kiss that Edward had given me before we left the apartment. Or maybe I really did have first date jitters. Whatever it was had passed and I was back in the present, riding along with one of the best men that I'd ever met.

"Nice shoes," I told him as he escorted me up to the restaurant door. He was in black dress shoes that looked brand new. "It's weird to see you in anything but black boots."

"I can say the same for you. Are you going to be okay in those?"

I was a little offended. "Why wouldn't I be? I'm capable of wearing heels for a night."

"We should have brought you some tennis shoes just in case."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, because that would look so good with this dress."

"I think it'd look pretty damn hot and I'm the only one that it should matter to, right?" His tone wasn't accusatory but instead, amused and curious.

"No, I want to look good for other people too." He shot me a questioning glance. "I'm on a date with you and I want you to be proud of me. If I had tennis shoes or flats on, other people would look at you and think that this is some kind of pity date."

"A pity date? I doubt that."

"Why?"

"Because your feet are the last thing anyone would notice."

He opened the door for me and gestured me in. The smell of food made my mouth water and internally, I groaned.

"So, pray tell, what is the first thing people would notice if they wouldn't notice tennis shoes on my feet?"

He narrowed an eye at me. "Are you fishing for compliments, Ms. Swan?"

I rolled my eyes and opened my menus. It was possible that I was fishing for compliments but I wasn't going to admit it. The waiter took our orders and brought us drinks before Edward finally answered.

"Your eyes," he murmured.

"Huh?" It wasn't a romantic response but I'd forgotten my question after I'd filled my mind with my impending steak and salad.

"That's what people would notice first about you—your eyes."

"Really? My eyes?" I asked skeptically.

"Why are you so concerned about what other people think?"

I looked down at the table and fiddled with my straw wrapper. "I don't know, actually. I never used to care. Back in college, I did my own thing and people just sort of accepted it or they didn't." I smiled at the image of myself a few years ago. "Of course, my own thing was studying and working part-time to pay my tuition."

Edward grinned. "I bet you have tons of friends in Washington."

"Not really. I mean, sure there were people I'd hang with on weekends but I've never really had a good friend. Not until Rosalie, actually…and you, of course."

His expression shifted from amusement to curiosity. "What kinds of things do you like to do? I know you like to read but what else?"

I thought hard about his question. Surprisingly, this was ideal first date conversation and it was throwing me off a little. When it came to Edward and me, our relationship had always been so intense that these little questions seemed inconsequential.

"I used to love riding my bike around campus when the weather would break." I smiled and Edward returned the expression as if it was contagious. "In the summer, when the flowers are in full bloom, I'd go on a trail and sometimes I'd be gone for hours. It was so peaceful."

"You'd go by yourself?" I nodded. "That's not safe."

"It's not like I'd go out in the woods or anything. I'd go to different parks or just around campus where there were plenty of people. Trust me—I was lectured about my safety on numerous occasions by my dad."

My face fell at the mention of my dad and he noticed.

"You'll see him soon, Bella. I promise."

I nodded and smiled sadly. Going back to Washington seemed like a far off dream but as each day passed, the dream didn't seem to matter anymore. It was more like a passing hope. Sure, I'd love to see him again and my world would change if the whole James situation was resolved but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged somewhere; even if it was the slums of Chicago. The McCarty clan and Edward had become my family and I wasn't sure if I'd leave even if the opportunity presented itself to me. Chicago was quickly becoming my home.

"I used to love to dance," I announced after our meal was placed in front of us. I took a bite of steak and my eyes rolled back in my head.

"I can't picture you dancing. It must be entertaining."

"You'll never find out because my dancing days are over," I told him.

"Why's that?"

I shrugged. "It was a long time ago."

He scoffed. "You're only twenty four, Bella. It couldn't have been that long ago."

"It seems like ages go. Being that carefree…to just go to a bar and dance, it just doesn't seem fun to me anymore."

"Well, what does sound fun?"

"I honestly have no idea."

He smirked. "We should find out tonight."

I took a drink and raised my eyebrows questioningly. "What do you mean?"

"You want to find out if you still like to dance?"

"You mean, meet up with Rose and Emmett?" He nodded. "I thought you didn't want to go."

"If my girl wants to dance, then by all means, I'm going to take her somewhere to dance."

My heart fluttered at the mention of me being his girl. It shouldn't have affected me since he'd had his tongue in my mouth before our date even began but it did.

"What if we get there and I freak out?"

"So, we'll leave."

"And I'd ruin the night."

He rolled his eyes. "You're dramatic. We'd walk in and you'd freak out and we'd leave. What, that's like fifteen minutes of the night, right?"

"Sometimes, my freak-outs have repercussions and they end up dragging on for hours."

"I'll help you through it."

I huffed. "You shouldn't have to help me through it."

He leaned forward on the table, his green eyes on fire as he looked at me. "I don't have to do anything. I want to."

It almost came out. The fact that I loved him was on the tip of my tongue but I didn't say it. I was incredibly lucky to have him on my side and I told him so.

The seriousness of his expression faded and his smirk returned. "You're just saying that because you've seen what I can do to a pair of leather mitts."

We passed on dessert and I was nervous as we walked out to the car, my anxiety spiking with each step. The thought of fighting with the crowd, moving against strange sweaty people wasn't enticing and I almost told Edward to forget it. Then an image of a different Bella popped into my head. This Bella was confident and unapologetic for who she was. This was Charlie Swan's daughter, dancing carefree with a group of friends. Her dance moves were off beat and the people around her looked at her like she was a little crazy but she didn't care. I yearned to feel that again. Somewhere, hidden deep in the folds of fear and mistrust, it was there, waiting to be unleashed. I wouldn't get there if I didn't take chances and face my fears, and the best part was having Edward by my side to catch me if I fall.

"You look like you're in deep thought," he said as he clicked his seatbelt.

"Will you stay with me at the club?"

"Of course, I will." He grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek. "As long as you don't ask me to dance with you."

I sucked in a breath. "If I dance, you have to dance."

He shook his head and laughed without humor. "Oh, no, I'm not dancing. I don't dance."

"You want me to go dance by myself?"

His head fell forward in defeat. "Oh, please, Bella, don't make me dance," he whined.

I laughed. "Now look who the dramatic one is."

"Okay," he sighed. "I'll dance if you want me to but you can't laugh."

I bit my lip. "I'd never…" He pressed his lips together. "Okay, maybe I would but I won't if you're doing it for me. Just promise me one thing."

He put the car in drive and we started toward the dance club. "What?"

"Leave 'The Running Man' in the car."

We discussed poor choices in dance moves on the way there and my anxiety drizzled out of me. There was no way I would have wanted to go in there if it was anyone but Edward by my side. He was my friend. My protector. My constant.

There was a line around the corner to get in and Edward cursed to himself. "Do you have your cell phone?" I nodded and handed it to him. "I'm going to call Emmett and see how fast they got in."

"If we're going to be waiting out here forever, we can just forget it," I told him. "We'll come a different night."

He had a short conversation with Emmett before snapping my phone closed and handing it back to me. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the front door. The bouncer was three hundred pounds of mean muscle.

"We should be on the list," Edward told him.

The bouncer let out a grunt followed by a sigh. "Name?"

"Bella Swan and Edward Masen."

Soon, we were walking into the hot, crowded club and I almost turned around. There was an air of desperation and determination floating through the building as people grinded on each other on the dance floor. Groups of people screamed amongst them selves in an effort to have a conversation over the music and people—of both sexes—eyed each other like a fat man looks at freshly baked sweet rolls.

I spotted Jacob up on the stage and I waved. He had on a pair of dark sunglasses so I wasn't sure if he saw me until he returned my greeting.

"They said they are at a table by the bar," Edward said in my ear.

He put me in front of him and helped guide me through the traffic with a gentle hand on my back. His protectiveness was unnerving and delightful at the same time. I could feel people's eyes on me but I ignored it. Sweat was already rolling down my back and my breath felt short. It wasn't easy but we finally reached the bar and we scanned the area for the huge figure of Emmett. Instead, we got a screeching Rosalie.

"Bella! Edward!"

Rose was all smiles as she waved us toward where they were sitting. We managed some more people weaving until we reached the high table where Emmett and Rose were sitting. His big, bulky body hovered over her like a lion protecting a carcass; his eyes shifted to any close movement or possible threats. I never considered that coming to a place like this might be hard for him, too. In fact, Emmett and I were a lot alike: Always on the defensive and waiting for something horrible to interrupt our seemingly peaceful lives. It was possible that this place was similar to a prison riot. Except minus the music. And the booze. Probably, they didn't dance either.

"I'm so excited that you could come!" Rosalie said, threading her fingers through Emmett's. "You look like you're terrified, Bella."

I shook myself a little. "No, I'm fine." Edward scooted closer to me—which was no small feat when one was sitting on a bar stool—and snaked an arm around my shoulders. His expression was similar to Emmett's but his posture wasn't as stiff. "There's just a lot going on."

Her eyes widened. "You wanna dance?"

I swallowed hard. "Maybe, in a minute."

Rose bobbed her head to the music. Emmett proceeded with operation bodyguard.

"Emmett doesn't look like he wants to be here," I said close to Edward's ear.

"I don't think he really does."

"We can go somewhere different," I announced to the table. "It's pretty crowded in here."

Emmett perked up at my suggestion but Rose shook her head.

"Jake was so psyched that we were here! I don't want him to think that we didn't have fun since he's been hounding us to come for fucking months. He put all of our drinks on his tab." She held up her bottle of beer and wiggled her eyebrows. "You should take advantage."

I wasn't someone who felt alcohol was the doorway to a goodtime but it would definitely help my nerves.

"You want something? I'll go get it," Edward said in my ear.

"Get her a Margarita," Rose suggested.

He ignored her, looking at me for an answer.

"A Margarita sounds good," I told him. "Thanks."

"Just tell them your name and they'll put it on Jake's tab," Rose shouted after him.

"I'm going to take a piss," Emmett announced. "Will you be okay?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "We'll be fine. Edward will be back in like two minutes and you remember how resourceful Bella is when it comes to self-defense."

Emmett narrowed an eye at me playfully and I grinned proudly in response.

"Okay, be right back, babe." He kissed her three times on the mouth and headed toward the bathroom.

Rose didn't waste any time. "So, how's it going with you and Edward?"

"It's good."

She looked at me skeptically.

"Okay, I'm in deep, Rose," I conceded. "Up to my neck."

"I think it's fucking great. Honestly—and I'm not just saying this—I've never seen Edward this happy. Any day now, I expect to see him doing cartwheels down the sidewalk and skipping to work."

I laughed hard at that visual. "Sometimes, I think he's with me just because he wants to help me, you know?" I watched him order our drinks at the bar with a small smile on my face. He paid with cash, of course, instead of putting it on Jake's tab. "If I weren't in the situation that I'm in, I don't know if he'd even look twice at me."

Rose sputtered out a disagreeable noise. "He thought you were hot the day he first saw you in the laundry room with Sammy."

I cut my eyes to her. "He told you that?"

"No, but I've known Edward a long time and he doesn't look at anyone like he looked at you that day."

"Maybe I looked horrible and his protective instincts kicked in."

She rolled her eyes. "Edward kisses you, right?" I nodded. "Does he whisper sweet-nothings in your ear?"

"In a very Edwardesque fashion, yeah."

"Does he touch you in all the right places?"

"Sometimes, but most of the time, he's holding back. He told me that he doesn't want to move too fast. It's frustrating because I'm pretty much giving myself to him and he gets all preachy about my mental health."

"He loves you, Bella," Rose said with a smile. "He's trying to protect you."

"Yeah but…" Edward started heading toward us with a Margarita in one hand and a Coke in the other. "I want to make him happy."

"So, make yourself irresistible."

My eyes widened. "Pray tell—how do I do that?"

"You've got the right assets, Bella," she said slyly. "Use them."

For the next hour, we chatted around the music and I got to know Emmett more thanks to a drunk and loud Rosalie. She loved to reminisce about their relationship in high school it seemed but I could see the pain in Emmett's eyes when she talked about his pre-prison life. Since I'd escaped James' torture, I'd separated my life into two different periods of time: Before Oklahoma and after. I was willing to bet that Emmett did the same thing with his mistakes. While life before prison held good memories for Rose, it was probably horribly painful for Emmett with all the "what-ifs" going through his head. During one particularly story where Rose was talking about finding out she was pregnant with Emily, I cut her off.

"Hey, Rose, I love this song! You wanna dance?" Yes, that's how bad I felt for Emmett.

Her eyes lit up. "Hell yeah!"

I cut my eyes to Edward and he winced.

"I'll be fine. You don't have to dance." I kissed him on the cheek as he held his hands out in a prayer-like fashion showing thanks. "We'll stay close."

"You want me to come, baby?" Emmett asked.

"Nah! Me and Bella are going to go rip it up!"

I nodded even though I had no idea what "rip it up" meant. Probably, I was going to rip something but it wasn't what she had in mind; a thigh muscle, perhaps, or maybe one of my butt muscles.

As we got to the dance floor, the song changed into an easy dance song. It was the same song that was used in that wedding video that sky rocketed all over Youtube. Thanks to the Margarita, I wasn't as anxious as I could have been but I still kept Edward in my sights. However, it didn't take long for the Margarita to affect my inhibitions and I let loose or ripped it up, as Rosalie would say. Rose and I twirled each other, and we did some God awful dance moves that made us double over in laughter. For the next several minutes, I forgot that we were surrounded by strangers. I felt like I'd grabbed a piece of my old self and put it back in place. It was amazing to me how simple it had been to feel so free, to have fun again like those nine months in hell hadn't even happened.

If I thought it was amazing how simple it had been to gain that little piece of my soul back, the split second that it took to shatter it again was astounding.

Jake played a slower, romantic song and as Rosalie and I stood blinking at each other awkwardly, Emmett came up behind her and put his arms around her waist. I smiled at them as they got lost in each other, swaying back and forth to the music. Turning to go back to our table, I ran straight into a body. I panicked.

Oh, God…

The build was the same. The hair was the same. The arrogant smirk on his face was the same. I glanced at him and my chest seized. For a brief moment, I saw James and my stomach seemed to collapse in on itself. His hand came up and touched my shoulder and he said something to me but the buzz inside my head was so loud that I couldn't hear it. I yelled at him, screamed so that I could hear myself over the annoying noise.

He lifted his hands up in surrender, his blue eyes wide. Blue. That's when it hit me and my vision cleared. The buzzing in my head ceased. It wasn't James. But I was still yelling. What was I yelling?

"Get off me! Don't touch me!" Oh…that. Damn, I was loud.

The man backed up and ran into someone. Then he backed up again as whoever he ran into wasn't budging. As he flipped around and parted the crowd, I saw that it was Edward and he was coming toward me.

Damn it, I was still yelling.

"Don't…!"

"Bella! It's okay!" Rose was right there, wanting to touch me but afraid that my screams would get louder and more frantic.

When Edward reached me, I finally stopped ranting. People around us were staring but thankfully the music was too loud for the entire building to have a stop-everything-and-stare moment. It was only a few people who witnessed my freak-out.

"Hey, you okay? What happened? Did that guy…" Edward pulled me into him, wanting to shield me from prying eyes. "Did that guy touch you? Because I swear to God if he touched you, I'm going to find him and—"

"No, I think he was going to ask me to dance but…I thought it was him. He looked so much like him for…" Shit, again with the crying. "Can we go?"

"Yeah, yeah, let's go."

If he said anything to Rose and Emmett, I didn't hear him as he pulled me toward him and steered us out of the club. I wished I could have said goodbye to Jake and tell him that I was happy that I came but I couldn't. There was too much blubbering going on and it would only upset him. Hopefully, Rose would tell him for me.

"You okay?" Edward asked as he closed his car door.

I nodded, not trusting my voice. I kept seeing, imagining that it was James behind me in the crowd. Fear crept past every other emotion and sat in front like a bully.

We drove in silence. I could feel Edward's eyes on me when we pulled along the street to park in front of our building.

"I thought it was him…behind me, in the club so I freaked out," I said, softly. "I shouldn't have gone."

He grabbed my hand and squeezed. "Maybe, maybe not. Your reaction wasn't unjustified, Bella. Rose said that the guy grabbed your arm and your reaction was appropriate for—"

"Appropriate! Appropriate? I screamed at him! All he wanted to do was dance with me and I freaked out! How is that appropriate? Any other girl would have told him 'no' or at the very least, given him a nice healthy 'fuck off' but not me. I burst into tears and got an overwhelming urge to crawl into a ball." I was out of breath when I was done and a little embarrassed for yelling at Edward.

"How many of those 'other girls' have been through what you have? And this didn't happen years ago…only months. This time last year, where were you?"

I winced. "I was in Oklahoma."

"That's right. Where do you think those other girls were? The ones who would have responded 'appropriately'?" He used those annoying air quotes as he leaned toward me.

"Not in Oklahoma," I mumbled.

He nodded vehemently. "That's right. You did amazing tonight. You had fun, right?"

I scoffed. "Yeah, right…fun."

With an eye roll he added, "Before the last few minutes, you had fun?"

I chewed on the question for a few beats. "Yeah, I did."

"That is why you are the strongest person I know, Bella. You took a chance and it paid off. Sure there was a little hiccup but you'll move past it. In fact, tomorrow, you probably won't even remember it."

With a quirked eyebrow I asked, "Are you suggesting that I'm drunk?"

He spit out a deep laugh. "No, I'm saying that you're going to look at the bright side of things and shrug it off."

"Which is?"

"That you had fun and you went out there and danced your little ass off even though you were scared to."

I smiled at him. He countered with a grin of his own that made my chest light. My tears were gone but I could feel the puffiness surrounding my eyes.

"Let's go home and get to bed. Just because you had fun tonight doesn't mean that I'm going to take it easy on you when we go running tomorrow."

My frown spoke volumes and he laughed.

Before bed, I took another shower to wash sweat and a layer of embarrassment of my skin. I pulled on a long t-shirt and kept my hair down, in hopes that my freak out hadn't dampened Edward's desire to explore.

When I walked back out to the living room, I expected to see him sitting in front of the TV in his sleep pants and white t-shirt but he wasn't. He was still dressed in his date clothes, looking out the window. It wasn't the best view but we could manage to see a few trees that lined the street. I walked up next to him and put my arm around his torso.

"It's snowing," he told me then added, "It's a little early for snow."

There were little flurries coming down, floating in a careless zipping fashion from sky to ground.

I hugged him tighter. "Thanks for tonight. I did have fun and I wouldn't have if I was with someone else."

He kissed my forehead. "I've been thinking about something. Our relationship is so backward, considering you were staying here with me before we even went on our first date so I'm just going to blurt it out. Since your lease is coming up and I don't want you paying another butt-staggering amount to stay in that apartment, I think you should just move all your shit over here."

Considering he'd just used the adjective "butt-staggering" and the word "shit" in that statement, it was the most romantic suggestion I'd ever heard.

"I mean, you don't have to sleep with me or anything. If things…" He hesitated, his brow furrowed in thought. "You can sleep in the guest room anytime that you want. I just want you close right now."

The way he was looking at me and the way that he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him, sent a shiver up my spine. This man would do anything for me. I wasn't sure if he loved me but I knew that he cared about my well-being immensely.

I pulled away from him, a shocking feeling of cold abandonment rushed over me as I headed toward the CD player I'd gotten from Jake for my birthday. I popped in a used CD that I'd gotten from Esme's shop. After a few moments, Otis Redding starting crooning about those arms of his and their constant yearning for the one that he loves. It was perfect.

My love for Edward seemed to fill me as I walked to him, gazing into his curious and passionate eyes. I felt brave and vulnerable. My knees shook but I kept that from him by pulling on his shirt with my fist, against me.

"Dance with me," I said softly.

I expected an argument or at the very least, a dramatic sigh but there was none of that. Instead, he guided me to him with a hand on each of my hips. My fingers drove through his hair and his lips grazed my temple as we swayed slowly to the song.

"Bella…" he whispered huskily in my ear.

The alcohol had surely left my system so my bravado had to have been an effect of sheer determination. Edward had been there for me through so many of my hissy fits and he'd taken all of my half-wit requests with grace. I wanted so much to give him something back.

"I want you, Edward."

He sighed but he didn't let me go. "You have no idea how tempting you are to me but—"

I pulled back, cutting him off. Before he or I could think too hard on it, I pulled my shirt off. There was nothing underneath except for my panties and I waited for his protests: His usual rants of how unready I was to take this step and how my freak-out at the club had proven that fact. None of that came. He let out a strangled moan and looked at me, his gaze roaming my body. It took every ounce of self control and a constant repetitive mantra in my head—reminding myself that this was Edward—so that I didn't cover myself with my hands.

"Why do you do this to me?" His tone was pained and his voice rough with want. It made me smile. "What you went through, it—"

I put my finger over his lips. "We're not talking about that tonight. I want you, Edward." When that didn't change the regret and sadness in his ardent stare, I added a "please."

He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, there was something else mixed in that I hadn't seen before. Edward wasn't a weak man but that was what I saw: Surrender.

His arm came around my shoulders and then he swooped me up to carry me. I yelped and giggled, in spite of the building fear in my loins. He was going to have me, and I wasn't going to show him that fear. It was life changing for me. This would carry me through the rest of my life whether I remained with Edward or not.

"If you want me to stop, you tell me," he said as he laid me on the bed like a sacrifice. "Promise me that you'll tell me."

I nodded. "I promise that I'll tell you."

"Tell me what? I need you to say it, Bella."

"I promise if I want you to stop that I'll tell you."

He nodded. "I'll be right back."

I whimpered; not because of his absence but because I was certain he'd spend five minutes in the bathroom talking himself out of it. He'd stomp back out here, cover me up and tell me that he was only doing what was best for me. Sure enough, he came back out fully clothed and looking mighty determined. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and avoided my eyes.

"I can't do this," he grumbled. "You are the best thing that has happened to me in…forever and I can't do this because you're not ready." He started to pace and I stretched out on the bed, remembering Rose's "asset" advice. "Have you ever even been with someone besides that fucker?"

"No, but I want you."

"Why are you doing this? Why do you want this?"

"Because I want you, Edward." I was starting to annoy myself with that statement but it was all I had. The truth would be condemning; the fact that I wanted to give myself to him as a means to pay him back for everything that he's done for me. It would be a nail in my sexual coffin. There was also the small dose of curiosity running through my veins. Was it always horrible? Was it always lacking in any sort of emotion like it had been with James? If sex with Edward was horrible, then I had no hope of future intimacy with anyone in an effort to please myself.

He resumed his pacing and hair-tugging. "You deserve something better. I don't know what I'm doing and…and I'm going to fuck this up."

"You are more than what I deserve and I'm fairly certain that you know what you're doing."

His laugh was humorless. "You still don't believe me…" He surprised me by walking to the bed and crawling over me. The feel of his solid body hovering over me and barely touching my naked flesh was an experience all in itself. "I've never been with anyone before you, Bella."

"I know you—" I stopped because it finally hit me what he was telling me. Edward had told me countless times that he hadn't had a girlfriend or went on a date since high school but I assumed that didn't count meaningless sex. There was such a thing as sex outside of relationships and in my mind, Edward had taken part in it quite a bit in order to stay unattached to anyone specific.

"What?" I couldn't hide the shock on my face.

He shook his head. "I've never had sex, Bella. Ever. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing."

He kissed my lips gently and the tension vanished from his face. This piece of information was a little tough to chew. My Edward, the ex-con with the amazing body and kind soul was a virgin. I wanted this now more than ever.

"Edward, if I can't have this with you then I don't want it." It was the truth. I loved him for a reason, several reasons actually, and I wanted to share this with him. For a moment, this wasn't about giving him pleasure or figuring out where I stood on the sexual enjoyment scale. This was about us.

He winced a little and kissed my forehead. "Are you sure?"

Using Rose's advice, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him to me. I wrapped my legs around his hips. The kiss I gave him conveyed what I'd been telling him over and over for the past ten minutes: I wanted him.

I could tell the moment he surrendered again because he put his weight into the kiss. Denial seeped through me as I pushed away the fear and shock of feeling his erection against my hip. I focused on the kiss, the way his hands found my breasts and his warmth. When he was naked, he reclaimed his position and put a finger on the waistband of my panties. His expression was a question and I lifted my hips in response.

The feel of him over me was overwhelming. When his fingers gently probed between my legs, I gasped and clutched him to me in fear that he'd see the shock on my face. I worked consciously on keeping my body limber, not stiff; warm, not cold. Horrible thoughts threatened but I pushed them away, my focus being on the noises he made when his lips sucked around my nipple or his fingers entered me. Thankfully, my body was reacting positively to his touch and I grew ready for him. It only confirmed my decision. That I needed this and so did he. I wanted this. I needed this. I was sure of it.

"You are incredible," he murmured into my neck. "How in the hell did I get so lucky?"

His fingers grew more frantic and I knew what he wanted but I couldn't give it to him. I wasn't there yet. I wanted him to just get on with it. I wanted his cock inside of me because it was there, pulsing against my leg and reminding me of what lay ahead.

"I want you inside me, Edward," I whispered, slightly embarrassed of my own words.

He made a final pass with his fingers and then settled between my thighs. His lips traveled all over my body, making passes on my chest, my neck and finally capturing my lips in a deep kiss. It was lovely. The proximity of his naked body on mine; the heat was delicious and enticing. It was Edward and he was so gentle and loving and sweet. If I couldn't enjoy this with him, then there would be no one.

"I can stop, Bella. All you have to do is tell me."

I panicked because I was afraid of what he'd seen on my face. With great strength, I relaxed into him and pushed him forward with my heels on the backs of his thighs.

When he entered me, it was slow and tender, as if he was afraid of hurting me. He moaned and I grinned at his response to what my body felt like for him. I pushed away horrible memories and focused on Edward: The moans, the feel of his gentle hand moving over my hips, almost adoring every part of me. I surprised myself with a moan of my own because his body moving over me, rhythmically and heavy, was as close to wonderful as it could get.

Afterward, he laid beside me and pulled me nearly on top of him. It wasn't long before he was in a deep sleep, his grip loosened on my shoulder but I didn't move. Instead, I studied him in the moonlight: The rise and fall of his chest, the firm muscles of his chest and abdomen, the determination on his face as if he was promising all the bad dreams that he'd chase them down if they even considered entering his mind.

I loved him. I knew this.

The experience of making love with him had been far from horrible but it wasn't something that I'd crave. I would do it for him because I'd felt the quiver in his muscles as he came inside me, I saw the look of pleasure in his face as he thrust into me over and over. Perhaps, in time I'd learn to enjoy it. As time went on, it was possible that my memories of Oklahoma would grow faint and being with Edward would erase my fears. One day, maybe I'd even want it but it would take time. He was right about that.

However, one thing was certain: I'd never regret it.

A/N: Before you throw something at me for the less-than-citrusy lemon, let me tell you that when a REAL lemon comes along, it will be extra juicy. I promise. This is all part of the healing process for Bella. She didn't hate it, but she's still not in the right frame of mind to be doing any hanky panky, KWIM? If you can't have a big "O" with Edward, then...damn.

Sorry to Mystery Cat...I know you hate me right now ;)

This is going to be a weird week for posting...I'll explain more on Thursday. Thanks for reading and reviewing!