Autobot Base:
Who am I? The question haunted him, like a bad dream.
It wasn't so much who he was, but who he was loyal to. He had no clue. Autobots or Decepticons? Optimus or Megatron?
Ask him three hundred Earth years ago and he would have said Autobots. Two hundred and the answer would have been the same. A hundred and he wouldn't answer; in truth that was when he slipped over the edge.
He had been joining a battle on Cybertron when he stumbled upon an Autobot with severe injuries. A flash of pity had swept through him.
The pitiful mech had looked up at him with such scared optics Knock Out helped him up and repaired the worst damage.
But then he saw Soundwave in the reflection on the side of a building. He had been watching.
Knock Out had felt torn between his mission and his loyalty. It was up to him; choose to let the Autobot go and risk being caught, or make sure there was no question as to where his loyalty lied.
It had been his first kill.
Now he had to make that choice again, but this time there was a third option.
The consequences were disastrous any way he pictured his choice.
Who cares if you die? You'll be dead either way. Better to go out fighting, his Decepticon side argued.
No, he didn't want to be remembered like that. It was… without honor. And a death without honor was not worth the precious energon spilled.
Since when do you care about honor, you moronic fool? Just think about how many of your so-called comrades perished at your hands. And remember what will happen if you betray the Decepticons yet again. Megatron will make it a slow death.
Knock Out could feel the will to survive bubbling up from where he had trampled it into submission. Weakness got you nowhere. Failure ended in your death. Do nothing to make anyone kill you. Be strong beyond doubt. Succeed to save your spark. Be loyal until the end.
But something inside him didn't want to choose the Decepticons.
The Autobots are trying to help you. Why can't you see that? The worst death is the one on the side of a tyrant. Do you want to be remembered as the traitorous mech who just might have turned on his comrades and stabbed them in the back?
No, he didn't want to be remembered like that. It wasn't right. Dying on a tyrant's side is wrong; they won't grieve, much less notice.
You said it yourself! The High Council was enforcing tyranny! You said Megatron would bring peace!
He just wanted both of them to shut up, for Primus' sake! Couldn't he think on his own without those idiotic excuses for proper programming bickering in his head?
They're trying to help! Can't you see how much Ratchet's done to save your sorry chassis over and over again? Without the Autobots, you never would've had the chance to live!
Of course not.
He just wanted to choose, free from any influence. Why couldn't he at least have that?
Stab them in the back… hmm… Why did that seem like such a great idea all of a sudden?
Get a grip! For crying out loud; is every double-agent as conflicted as you?
Oh, sure, just ignore everything that's happened and turn your back on the only ones who just might put up with your vanity. Maybe Megatron is feeling merciful! Good luck, wherever that's gonna get you.
"… bitter, sorry excuse for a…"
"… why I oughta…"
"… just another one…"
"… lost like the rest…"
"… does this always happen…"
Voices floated to him and the words they said didn't really make sense. Bitter laughter echoed in his head, mixing with the loud argument between his two sides.
I'm DONE! Will everyone just shut up and let me well enough alone? I'm sick of this and I don't want to have to endure another agonizing second being forced to choose when I don't want to. First Breakdown, then Ratchet, and now I can't even keep my own thoughts straight! Just leave me alone!
Knock Out was suddenly aware of his surroundings; in the Autobot Base's medical bay. Ratchet was standing over him, shock and fury chasing each other across his weathered features.
Knock Out realized he said the last bit out loud. Full to the brim with anger and hatred, he got up and stalked back to the training room, throwing off the chords attached to his frame. He heard rapid, heavy footsteps chasing after him, but kept going.
The red medic pushed the door open, heading straight to his little project. Just one slip of the hand. Just one cut wire. Just one more movement.
It didn't matter to him anymore if he was discovered; now was as good a time as any to use his plan.
He grabbed on to the blue wire – the one sending power throughout the base – and pulled it free, letting the sparks fly across the room while he hesitated a moment until the entire building was plunged into absolute darkness.
Ratchet's voice rang out from behind him. "What have you done, Knock Out? They'll kill you!"
Knock Out used the raw, bitter emotions welling inside to let ice seep into his voice. "Let them."
He transformed, making sure to knock Ratchet off his feet while he drove past at maximum speed. An angry curse escaped the older medic as he crashed to the ground.
Knock Out could hear the Autobots and the humans yelling for some kind of explanation as to what had just happened.
His engine revved as he raced out though what he thought was the door.
It wasn't.
There was a crash, then a small explosion.
Knock Out kept going, despite the leak in his engine, despite the pain, despite the thought that he might have betrayed the Autobots – Ratchet – again.
He raced across the vast desert, ever so steadily increasing his speed, imagining he was racing again, leaving this world behind in the dust; in the speed he could feel everything blurring around the edges, whipping past him at what seemed to be a hundred miles an hour.
He rounded a corner faster than he should have and his rear tires slipped off the edge for just a moment before colliding with the earth once more.
In that instant, when his wheels skimmed midair, he felt a sudden clarity, and came to a decision.
He could live without loyalty to anyone but himself, to the only one who helped him despite everything.
But a tiny voice dragged at the back of his processor, a gnawing doubt.
He pushed it away, thinking desperately, If you have no loyalty, you can never be betrayed.
But inside an old doubt rose in the shadow of his vow.
Perhaps there was one who never betrayed him…
AN: There will be one more chapter after this, not including Knock Out. But it will have Ratchet's reaction to all that happened, a full conclusion to what began so long ago.