Disclaimer: I own everything but their names.
August 17, 2001 – Santa Cruz, California
After an afternoon spent going around and around in my head, examining the possibilities and deciding whether or not I could do this, I was an exhausted bundle of messy thoughts and overwrought emotions. I wanted to keep Edward and this thing we had. I wanted to hang out with him for the rest of the summer on the beach and introduce him to my father. More than anything, I wanted to be selfish.
Juxtaposed with my desires, I knew that keeping him meant he could – and most likely would – lose the thing that mattered to him most in the world.
Lisle.
So my decision was made.
Raising my hand to the door, I knocked quietly, cautious of the fact that it was late and there was probably a sleeping child close by. My nerves were a mess, hands twisting in my hoodie and feet tapping against the welcome mat.
I had to do this now if I was ever going to do it; there was no other choice.
The deadbolt clicked and I took a deep breath, preparing myself as Edward opened the door and appeared in front of me. He looked all ruffly and adorable, like always. It made my heart clench.
"Hey," he said, offering me a weary smile. "I wasn't expecting you tonight."
I fidgeted and avoided eye contact with him, something I was becoming very good at. "I'm sorry it's so late, but I need to talk to you."
"Come in." He opened the door wider and I stepped past him into the foyer. A thousand memories hit me at once, all woven into the dark wood, the ugly green carpet, and the couch where we'd spent so many nights this summer.
My eyes burned with tears and I pulled in a shaky breath to hold them off. Not yet, I told myself. I couldn't fall apart yet.
"Let me take your coat," Edward said from behind me, and I held it in place as his hands touched me.
I shrugged away. "No… I, umm, I can't stay long."
"Bella? What's going on?"
After I'd arrived at home earlier, I found Charlie sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in his hand. It was all I could do not to bury myself in his arms and cry.
"Dad, what would you say if I told you I didn't want to go to school in California?"
"I would ask you why, kid."
"And if I asked you not to ask, what would you do then?"
He looked at me, eyes soft as he studied me. "I would let you go if that's what you truly wanted."
It wasn't what I truly wanted, not in the least. But if I did this… I knew there was no way I could stay in California.
"I'm leaving," I said, wasting no time in telling Edward the true reason for my unexpected visit.
"What?" He shouted the question, and then lowered his voice when he spoke it again. "What?"
He reached for me, but I stepped back and avoided him once again. I finally looked him in the eyes. "I said I'm leaving."
Edward's face fell, and he looked so broken. His eyes blazed as he stared at me, emotions passing from hurt to anger to fear, and when he spoke, it was with total conviction. "I know what you're doing, and if you leave me, she wins."
What he'd said was completely true, but in letting Makenna win, Edward was winning, too.
"If I stay, you could lose the only thing that matters to you!"
He blinked and surprise crossed his features. He was quiet for a few minutes, chest rising and falling as he breathed deeply. He stepped toward me and I watched his hands lift, hovering in the air above my shoulders. He didn't touch me, but I still felt the weight of his hands as if he'd grabbed me and squeezed.
"How can you possibly think Lisle's the only thing that matters to me?"
His lips crashed down on mine, pulling me under. Like waves in the ocean, I was caught in an undertow. All the breath in my lungs escaped as my back was suddenly pressed against the cold, wood paneled wall. I felt his body, his warmth; smelled his scent and everything I didn't want to let go of.
And I let myself swim in the wave of Edward one last time.
Hands grabbed and pulled and pushed, and he grunted into my mouth as his fingers tugged at the bottom of my skirt, pushing it up, up, and up until it was around my waist. He squeezed my hips as he lifted me up the wall, holding me there as if the weight of his body could make me change my mind. Hell, maybe he thought it could, I didn't know. His mouth continued to move against mine, kisses rough, tongue penetrating my mouth harshly, and I matched him push for push and kiss for kiss.
And I didn't care if I never came back from this, because I wanted him. Even if it was like this. Even if it was angry and fueled with confusion and sadness and begging to stay even though I was letting go.
"You matter," he told me, lips only a breath away from mine. "You. Matter."
I closed my eyes and tilted my head toward the ceiling as I felt him shift and wrap one of his arms beneath my butt to hold me up. He pressed his fingers against me and then pushed my underwear to the side so his hand could move freely. Up and down, in, out and then he curled his finger.
I moaned quietly, biting my lip as my hands scratched his chest. I held his shoulders to keep from falling when his hand disappeared. Eyes shut tight, I heard him fumble with his jeans. The unmistakable sound of a zipper clouded the noise of our heavy breathing and then I felt him pushing inside me.
It wasn't slow, or sweet. It was rough and raw and it was goodbye and I love you and I miss you and I don't want to let you go all wrapped into one. His hips moved quickly as he buried his face in my neck, breathing roughly and mumbling words I couldn't understand. The tears I had been trying so hard to hold in finally fell.
"Please," Edward whispered. "Please don't do this." Every word was pained and punctuated with the movement of his hips against mine. I didn't answer him; I couldn't. The words would be lost if I tried.
Instead I looked into his eyes and tried to commit them to memory, because I knew that when this ended, I would probably never have the chance to look into them again.
As his thrusts grew deeper and stronger, Edward pressed his mouth against mine and kept his eyes open. I continued to watch him, opening my eyes wide and letting him see into me; into my heart, my soul, and let him know without words that this wasn't what I wanted.
His sounds were heavy and raw and when he whimpered, a sound that matched his escaped my own throat. His thrusts suddenly became choppy, all over, quick and rough and his hands got stronger on my body and then he stilled and my name escaped his lips.
I don't know how long we stood there breathing heavily before Edward lowered my feet to the floor. Without looking at him, I tugged my skirt down my legs. I allowed myself one look as he bent and grabbed his jeans from around his feet. He held them in one hand while the other reached up and ran through his hair.
Deep down inside, in that part of me that railed still against my decision, I wanted to take it all back.
His face was pulled tight, glowing with a thin sheen of sweat. I looked up at him with teary eyes, and it was like he could read it in my face.
"So that's it then." It wasn't a question; it didn't need to be.
"You promised," he said, voice hard as he tried to get a reaction. "You promised to stay."
If I hadn't agonized over this for hours – days, even, come to think of it – I would have lost it right there. I had promised, and I hated to break my word, but this was so much more than me. I didn't respond because I couldn't let him see how much it hurt to let him go at all; let alone to do it this way.
I heard him button and zip his pants and then footsteps as he moved to the door and opened it. "I should have known better than to get involved with—"
He didn't say it. He didn't have to. I knew what he meant, and I didn't blame him. He didn't want to let me go without first hurting me the way I was hurting him. It was his goodbye and his fuck you all wrapped into one.
And even if my goal was to protect him – to protect his son – I deserved every bit of it.
IT'S BAAAAAAAAACK! Finally. I felt like someone cut off a freakin' limb. I was scared I got hugely flounced, NEGL.
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Until tomorrow…
xx