Chapter 4
On Friday evening, after work, Deidara took the bus to Konan's house. He'd been avoiding her lately, but today she insisted that they should see each other. After fifteen minutes he got off the bus and walked the rest of the way to her place.
She still lived with her family, and they had a large and nice house, just like the rest of the houses in this richer area of town. Her father was a doctor, and he still wasn't over the shock that his daughter worked as a piercer at 20 years old. He also refused to talk to Deidara. He preferred acting like he didn't exist. The only reason why Konan could stay, and invite her boyfriend once in a while, was her mother, who was more tolerant.
But when Deidara knocked on the door, it wasn't one of her parents who answered. It was worst.
"Konan! Your emo boyfriend's here!"
Her little brother, a horrible fifteen year old monster. He reminded Deidara of the kids who used to bully him at school. He really hated going to Konan's place…
The blue-haired girl finally walked down the stairs.
"Oh hey Dei, I'm glad you're here. You want to take a walk?"
"Sure." Anything but being in that house…
She picked up her jacket and they started walking together. Deidara was wearing Itachi's leather jacket. It had the familiar, delicious perfume on it. He knew he probably shouldn't be wearing it, but it was Itachi's fault for not taking it back, really.
"How was work today?"
"Lots of people," he chuckled, "I actually felt useful for once."
"That's cool, Yahiko must've been in a really good mood."
"Yup."
Yahiko was the owner after all, so he was always pleased when business was good. As for Deidara, he felt useful because with so many customers, he could help give information, and take all the appointments for tattoos. For people who wanted piercings well, sure he couldn't do them himself, but he could still inform them and sell the jewellery.
"Hey you bought a new jacket?" Konan asked.
"Oh, no… it's not mine, actually. I need to give it back to my friend next time I see him."
"What friend?" She asked, raising a brow.
He glanced away, uncomfortable. Of course, Konan knew all too well that he didn't have any friends except from the staff at Silver.
"A new friend," he said childishly.
"All right…" She sighed, "And how are your arms?"
"Stop making a big deal out of that…"
"It is a big deal! Dei! If you can't stop by yourself, you need help!"
She stopped walking, and he did the same, turning to face her. A few neighbors looked at them curiously, but Konan ignored them.
"I don't know what to do anymore. I love you, and I want to help you. I just want you to be happy! But if you don't talk to me, about your problems, then how can I help you solve them?"
"I don't need any help Konan. Stop worrying about me," he said, "we can talk about something else…"
"I don't want to talk about something else," she snapped.
Deidara started walking again, because the people looking at them were making him uncomfortable, and Konan followed closely.
The male couldn't help but think that he'd much rather be taking a walk with Itachi instead. It had been nice…
"With my ex-boyfriends…" she started, and immediately Deidara spaced out and stopped listening.
She was just always rambling on about the same things anyway. She used to date Yahiko before, and a couple other guys. And she kept telling Deidara that even though these past relationships hadn't been perfect, at least they were communicating, and that was helping so much, and so on…
Deidara had heard it all before.
"You're not even listening to me," she accused at some point.
"I'm sorry… I'm really tired."
It wasn't even a lie. His head hurt, and his whole body felt worn out. He hadn't been sleeping well recently… Well, nothing new there, he thought sadly.
"Let's go back I'm cold," she said, shivering.
So without a word Deidara followed her back home. This time he got in with her, and after he slipped off his converse shoes he followed her to her bedroom.
She sat on her bed, and he sat in the chair in front of her.
"Dei… why do you love me?"
"I don't think I could be with any other girl," he said sincerely, "you're simple, you're funny, and we like the same things… But," he shrugged sadly, "I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I know I'm… cold, and distant. I know you thought I would change. And I know I haven't."
She looked at him intensely, "But can you? Maybe if you try again? Try harder…?"
"I don't know," he whispered.
"I want to give you another chance," she said.
…
Much later that night, Deidara was back at his apartment, and he woke up from a horrible dream. He picked up the scissors from his bedside table and pressed the blade to his arm. It was a reflex by now.
He calmed down for a moment, but then he relived the dream again. He couldn't escape from those images… At first the dream had been very nice. He was hanging out with Itachi, and they started kissing. It was very nice and passionate. It could have been a great dream if only it had stopped there…
But then he'd been thrown roughly to the floor, and glancing around himself he recognized the familiar locker room from his high school… When he looked up, it was no longer Itachi with him. There were five guys instead… waiting for their turn… laughing…
He started crying, hugging himself. God he hated those nightmares… Maybe he should've accepted Konan's offer to sleep with her tonight. They could've watched a movie on her bed or something, like they used to.
He used to enjoy those evenings with her. But he just couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't comfort him…
Maybe they really should've broken up, because Deidara wasn't sure if he could ever go back to being a better boyfriend for her.
Deidara wanted Itachi to comfort him. He knew it didn't make any sense, but he couldn't help his feelings…
…
On Saturday Deidara went to work, but he was like a zombie. He was very pale, and he had no energy whatsoever. He had no appetite, and he'd skipped breakfast. He kept going to the bathroom, afraid that he would throw up. His hair was a total mess; it was just shoved in a folded ponytail.
He was so cold, too. He kept on Itachi's jacket all day long even though the others thought it was weird. Well it was a little bit too big for him, but he didn't care. It comforted him.
The next day it wasn't any better. At noon, he actually threw up in the employee's bathroom. He hadn't locked the door behind him, so Sasori stepped in.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm awesome," he muttered sarcastically.
He got up to rinse his mouth.
"You should go home," Sasori replied.
"I need the money…"
"I asked you if you had money problems the other day! You said you were fine."
"I'm fine it's just… rent for October's soon, and then heat, electricity, internet… It's just… fucking expensive I don't wanna take a day off."
"Well you're not helping us anyway. You wrote the appointments all wrong in the notebook…"
"I did?" Deidara turned to look at him, "Oh God I'm sorry…"
Sasori's expression softened and he walked up to him. He brushed his messy blonde bangs aside and put his hand on his forehead. It felt cold.
"You have a fever," he said.
Deidara stepped back, uncomfortable with the sudden closeness.
"Just go home, really," the red-head insisted.
Deidara nodded slowly. He walked past Sasori, and toward the exit. The other followed him.
"Do you need me to come with you?"
"No I'll be fine," he answered.
"All right. Call me if you need anything…" Sasori said, but Deidara was already walking out the door.
…
On Sunday afternoon Itachi went to knock on his brother's bedroom door. Well actually his brother and his boyfriend's bedroom.
"Just a second!" Naruto's voice said.
But it took about thirty seconds before the flustered blonde boy opened the door. He was only wearing jeans, and shirtless. Itachi glanced behind him. Sitting on the bed, Sasuke also had rather messy hair, but at least he had put his shirt back on.
"Guys," Itachi sighed, "seriously, if I was interrupting something you could've told me to come back later…"
"It's okay," Naruto shrugged.
Itachi glanced from Sasuke to Naruto, and then back at his brother. "Is fucking all you two ever do?"
"Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to," Sasuke smirked.
"Whatever…" Itachi closed the door, and then leaned on it and crossed his arms. "I wanted to ask you guys something…"
"About what?" Naruto asked.
"Relationships, actually…"
Naruto's blue eyes widened as he sat beside Sasuke on the king sized bed. Itachi felt like he was interviewing them – which wasn't far from the truth.
"Relationships? That's kinda vague," Naruto shrugged, "What do you want to know?"
"How did you guys go from being friends to… boyfriends?"
"We were never friends," Sasuke laughed.
Naruto nudged him in the ribs. "Of course we were. It's just that we were getting on each other's nerves a little…"
"And then," Sasuke continued, "we realized that it was because of all the sexual tension between us…" He said this so casually while Naruto blushed madly. Itachi chuckled.
"But you guys have a fucked up relationship I mean… You live in the same house so it's kinda different. What about your friends from school? The ones you invite over sometimes, like Kiba and Hinata, I think?"
"Oh yeah…" Naruto smiled, "Well Kiba was really in love with her, and Hinata, not so much. But he was patient, and he never gave up, you know, it was thanks to me, really! I encouraged him."
Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"Why'd you do that?" Naruto frowned.
"Do what?"
"Roll your eyes like that."
"I didn't."
"Uh yeah I saw you."
Sasuke smirked, but didn't reply.
"Whatever bastard, my advice was good okay? So maybe he made a fool of himself when he bought her a puppy, and brought it to school… But eventually she fell for him, so in the end it's all good!"
"Right…" Itachi raised a brow.
He didn't think buying Deidara a puppy would make him fall for him. Besides, that wasn't the problem…
"But let's just say," Itachi said, "that the person already likes them back…"
Sasuke cut him. "Just spill already. Who is it?"
"Oh my God," Naruto's eyes widened in shock, "there's someone you like?"
Sasuke and Itachi both laughed.
"You idiot!" Sasuke exclaimed. "Why do you think he's asking those questions in the first place?"
Naruto muttered something incomprehensible.
"It's Deidara."
"He's cute," Sasuke said appreciatively.
"Hey!" Naruto exclaimed in protest.
"You're cuter," Sasuke said to shut him up. It worked.
"He kind of has a girlfriend…" Itachi said.
He went to sit on the computer chair, looking at them from across the room.
"Ah, yeah, that Konan girl," Naruto said.
"Did you like, go on dates with him?" Sasuke asked, caressing Naruto's thigh absent-mindedly.
"Yeah kind of…"
"Did he talk about her?" His brother asked.
"Not at all. And when she called him he didn't take it."
Sasuke shrugged, "Well his girlfriend's not a problem then. Besides, I saw the guy when I got my tattoo. If that guy's straight, then I like Sakura."
"He hates her," Naruto explained.
Itachi chuckled, "You guys are not really helping."
"Look," Sasuke said, "bring him to a fancy restaurant, walk him home, kiss him, and then on the next date, get him drunk, and fuck him. Happy?"
"Pff… You just want me out of here so you can fuck Naruto," Itachi said, getting up.
Naruto laughed. Sasuke shrugged helplessly. Stupid sixteen year olds with their hormones…
After that useless talk he went to see his mother. Minato wasn't there; he was doing extra hours at his company.
Mikoto was reading a book in the living room while something was cooking in the kitchen.
He sat in the sofa next to her. Mikoto was a social worker at a clinic, and she worked mostly with teenagers and young adults, so he wanted to ask her some questions.
But first they made little talk; he asked her about work, and her readings, and she asked him how things were going at school. The usual. After that he cut to the point.
"I met someone."
"Oh?" She smiled teasingly, "Am I gonna have grandchildren?"
"I don't think so mom."
"Did you think about adoption?"
"Stop mocking me."
"All right… I'm all ears."
He couldn't help but smile. His mother was great. She didn't mind that her boys were gay; on the contrary, she believed that gay people were most of the time tolerant, kind, and respectful. And that they made very good parents. She often encouraged him and Sasuke to adopt kids later in life.
"I think he has problems, although I have no idea what they are, but… I think he cuts… you know..."
He had overheard the conversation between Konan and Deidara while his brother was getting his tattoo, when she had insisted to see his arms, and he'd just refused and stormed outside. And he wasn't really subtle, always wearing arm warmers to hide them. If Itachi got closer to him – which he intended to – he wanted to know how he could help.
Immediately his mother's expression became serious. "Self-harm is dangerous. Is he seeing someone for that?"
"I don't think so."
"I doubt you would do that," his mother said carefully, "but don't ever tell him that he's stupid, or emo, or that he just wants attention. That's the mistake some young people make."
"I would never say that."
"He's probably doing that whenever certain emotions get the better of him. It can be depression, trauma, low self-esteem and hatred or disgust toward himself… I don't know I'd have to see him. The trick is to find another way to calm himself when those unwanted emotions take over… then eventually get rid of them completely."
"What can I do as a friend?" Itachi asked.
"Just listen to him. Be there for him." His mother shrugged slightly. "But professional help is sometimes necessary."
"Yeah I know," he nodded. "Well thank you for the advice."
…
Later in the evening, Itachi was taking a break from homework and was playing a war game on his laptop. He was in the middle of destroying his enemy with his alien army when his cell phone rang. It was Deidara.
"Hey, what's up?" He answered it, keeping his eyes on his computer screen.
"I'm sick…" He said in a rasp voice.
Itachi frowned, worried. Suddenly his game wasn't that important anymore.
"Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, don't worry," he said before coughing, which didn't sound very reassuring to Itachi, "It's jut a cold, I think. I missed work today…"
"That sucks," Itachi said.
"Yeah I'm sorry I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it tomorrow…"
"Hey no problem I understand," Itachi said even though he was a little disappointed. But it wasn't his fault if he was sick. "But are you really okay?" He asked again, "Is there someone with you or…?"
"No but that's fine," he cleared his throat, but his voice still sounded rasp, "I'd rather be alone I mean this shit's probably contagious…"
Itachi waited. He didn't know what to say, but he felt like Deidara didn't want to hang up just yet. Maybe he wanted to talk to someone.
"What were you doing?" Deidara finally asked.
"Playing some PC game…"
"What game?"
"Star craft…"
"You didn't tell me you were such a geek!" Deidara chuckled.
"I did tell you I study computer engineering…"
"Good point… Hey do you think I could come to the gym with you next week instead?"
"Were you hesitating to ask me that?" Itachi asked in disbelief, "Of course you can silly."
"All right," he said, sounding reassured. "Well, sorry for ditching, but, I'll see you next week?"
"Yeah, and don't apologize. I don't think you chose to be sick."
"Definitely not." He sighed, "Such a pain in the ass…"
"I believe you. I mean I never get sick but…"
"Lucky bastard."
Itachi chuckled, "So… sure you don't need anything?"
"No it's getting late anyway. I'm gonna try to… get some sleep I guess." Now Deidara sounded sick and depressed. It wasn't reassuring Itachi at all. But then he added, "Take care Itachi, see you next week."
"You take care."
They hung up, and Itachi sighed, thinking that it would be a really long week…
…
On the next Monday morning, at 9:30 am, Deidara was sitting in the stairs outside his apartment, waiting for Itachi. He was clad in his usual skinny jeans and hoodie. His gym clothes were in his backpack, and he was clutching Itachi's jacket in his arms.
It had been a horrible and long week. He went to work from Wednesday to Sunday, but he just felt more tired every day. His cold wasn't so bad anymore, but it was still there. He didn't want to ditch Itachi again, though. He felt tired, but he was sure he would be okay. Besides, he really wanted to see him. Maybe they could be just friends. And maybe for the first time Deidara could have someone close to him outside of work… But he wasn't so sure if it was a good idea.
He was fumbling with the tip of his ponytail nervously when Itachi arrived. His black hair was loosely tied, and he wore his black rimmed glasses. Deidara thought he looked sexy. But who was he kidding? That guy was always sexy.
He opened the car door and sat in the passenger seat.
"Nice car," he said, "looks brand new."
"Thanks. I got it for my birthday so it's pretty much still new."
The raven smiled, shifted to first gear and started driving toward the University campus.
"Manual at that," Deidara smiled appreciatively, "I wish I knew how to drive one."
"I'll teach you if you want," Itachi glanced at him sideways.
"That'd be awesome."
Itachi stopped the car at a red light and turned to look at him. "So you're feeling better?"
"Yeah," he chuckled, "last week I was… ugh. Wasn't cool."
There was a silence, and then Deidara asked, "Don't you listen to music when you're driving?"
"No," Itachi answered.
Deidara shrugged and reached with his hand to turn on the radio. He chose a rock alternative channel.
"There, that's better."
Itachi raised a brow at him. "You really like that music?"
Deidara made a face. "Well they were better before…"
"They?"
"My Chemical romance."
"Do you know like, every single band? That's crazy," Itachi chuckled.
"You're the one who doesn't know anything," Deidara teased.
Itachi entered the university campus and drove across the parking. Deidara had never studied there, but since he lived really close he'd been taking walks around here sometimes. It would be his first time visiting the gym complex though.
They walked together, Itachi leading the way. Deidara had left Itachi's jacket in the car, and brought only his backpack. Itachi had also left most of his things on the back seat of his car, taking only his Nike sports bag. Itachi was full of contradictions. His clothes were always stylish and famous brands, but he also played geeky games, and now, he had a tattoo. But somehow, the more Deidara knew about him, the more he wanted to know.
Inside the gym complex Itachi let the receptionist know that he was bringing Deidara as a visitor. After that he led them to the locker room. A god damn locker room… didn't exactly bring back good memories. At least this one looked nothing like the crappy place from his high school. Besides, his trauma wasn't to the extent that he freaked out whenever he entered a locker room.
Itachi went to change in a separate stall, and Deidara did the same. He had brought black sweat pants and a thin blue long sleeve shirt. He hoped Itachi wouldn't ask why he was wearing a long sleeves to do sports…
As expected, Itachi was wearing Nike sports clothes.
"Matches your bag," he teased.
Itachi laughed as he looked down at his black shorts and white and black t-shirt. "My step-dad got me all this…"
"A car for your birthday, expensive clothes…" Deidara chuckled, "What does he do anyway?"
"Director of sales and marketing for a video game company…"
"Is that where you want to work later?" He inquired as Itachi led them towards the gym room, bottle of water in hand.
"Yeah," he made a little smile, "Minato – that's my step-dad – said he might get me an internship next summer."
"That's awesome! Well I guess you have a pretty good reason to be a gamer then!"
Itachi shrugged helplessly.
He pushed a door open and Deidara was surprised to see the large gym room pretty much empty.
"Monday morning," Itachi gave as an only explanation.
The smaller male chuckled, "All right so um… what do you usually do?"
"Thirty minutes muscular, and thirty minutes cardio…"
Itachi showed him the machines he used for the muscles of his arms, legs, stomach and chest. Deidara felt humiliated every time he tried them out – he wasn't nearly as strong as the raven-haired guy.
"Don't be embarrassed it's totally normal if you're not used to it," Itachi said.
They ended up doing only twenty minutes because Deidara was feeling too pathetic and just staying in a corner watching Itachi. Not that he was complaining with the view… Itachi had such a gorgeous body; he was simply the hottest guy Deidara had ever seen. And sure he was muscular, but it wasn't too much, his body was still thin. Deidara thought it was just perfect. He wished his own body would be similar, instead of being almost anorexic-like.
When they moved on to the cardio machines, Itachi decided he felt like doing bike, so Deidara imitated him. He walked long distances often, so he had a pretty good cardio. Except cycling used different muscles... After ten minutes he was starting to have trouble.
"You can choose an easier program…"
"No I'm fine," Deidara lied.
The raven chuckled. "Whatever you say…"
But after ten more minutes he had to stop. His chest was starting to tighten, this wasn't good. Deidara was asthmatic, but attacks were very rare. Why did it have to happen now of all times?
"I'll be right back…" he muttered before quickly walking toward the nearest exit.
It happened more often when he was sick. His cold was almost finished though, so he'd figured he'd be fine… Apparently not.
He sat down outside, leaning against the brick wall. His breathing was hard, producing a wheezing sound. God he hated when this happened… Hopefully it wouldn't last too long… The fresh air was making him shiver, but it was soothing and helpful at the same time.
"Hey are you okay?"
He looked up and saw that Itachi had joined him. He sat beside him and frowned.
"Are you asthmatic?"
Deidara chuckled, but it made a rather unpleasant sound.
"Doesn't happen… often," he managed to say.
Itachi looked worried. "Well do you have like, an inhaler or something?"
"No… I'll be fine… just go back in there I'll… I'll be there in like five minutes…"
Now he was even more humiliated than before. Maybe he shouldn't have come here… He clutched the tip of his sleeves in his hands and hugged his knees.
"Why don't you have medicine for that?"
"I told you… it almost never happens…"
"So what? You still need to have an inhaler just in case."
"Whatever… Just go back I'll…"
"I'm staying," Itachi said firmly, shifting to sit closer to him.
Thankfully, it only lasted a few more minutes. Still, Deidara felt humiliated and depressed.
"Don't make that face," Itachi eventually said, "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. You just need to see a doctor and get a prescription for that."
"I don't like going to the ER…" he muttered as he got up.
Itachi did likewise, and sighed, "Jeez you're such a child." He put his hand on his back briefly. "Come on let's go get changed."
Even though Itachi's touch had been quick and innocent, it still sent a tingling feeling through Deidara's spine.
They both took a shower, again in separate stalls, and got dressed.
"Your hair is so long," Itachi said, apparently fascinated.
Deidara shrugged as he tied it up loosely. "Yeah but it can get annoying…"
When it was down his hair almost reached his lower back. He was considering getting it cut. But if Itachi liked it, maybe he would change his mind…
"Sorry, by the way…" Deidara said, glancing down.
"Stop apologizing for things that you can't even control," Itachi protested as he picked up his bag. "Come on let's go… I'm gonna treat you to lunch to cheer you up."
"No… really, it's fine…" Deidara muttered, feeling embarrassed.
They started walking, and continued arguing.
"Don't be like that… I just want to spend time with you. Is that so bad?"
Deidara's heart warmed up at those words, but he was still hesitating. Was it such a good idea to be spending time together? What if Itachi wanted to be more than just friends? Deidara couldn't even give him that…
"Don't you have classes?" He asked as they walked towards the parking.
"This afternoon," Itachi shrugged. "If we don't go too far I should be fine. There's a sushi place down this street if I'm not mistaken?"
Deidara sighed, resigned. He really wanted to go but he was scared at the same time.
"Yeah…"
"Well, do you like sushi at least?" Itachi asked before opening his car door.
Deidara chuckled, "It's my favorite food actually…"
"Me too."
He took place in the passenger seat, and Itachi started driving. Deidara put on the same radio channel as before and looked out the window, lost in his thoughts. He felt so confused. He knew for sure he could never be with a guy. But then, why did he feel so attracted to Itachi, and why did it feel so right?