Disclaimer: I own everything but their names.
April 17, 2011 – Honolulu, Hawaii
When we arrive back at the hotel, waterlogged and sunkissed after our day at the beach, the sun is low in the sky. It's all pinks and oranges and beauty everywhere, even when I'm not looking at the sky.
Things had gotten a little better after our moment of awkwardness, and now that the night's ending… I'm afraid it might return. Lisle's been chatty and excitable all day which has made it easier for us to continue our pattern of avoidance, but that can't last forever.
I'm positive that I no longer want it to.
As we pull up, the Valet comes around and opens the door for me, offering his hand as I step out of the rental car. The boys follow me out, and Edward sets about exchanging his keys for a ticket before grabbing our things from the trunk.
Lisle's bouncing on his toes almost immediately. "Dad, can I go to the arcade?"
"Yes, but you know the deal. Back in the room by eight. And if I'm not there, I'll be calling to check on you." He gives the stern-daddy look, and Lisle rolls his eyes as he holds out his hand.
"I know, I know. Money please?" He bats his eyelashes and tries to look so very innocent. I have to cover my mouth to hide a giggle.
Edward pulls out his wallet and gives me a playful glare as he hands Lisle a ten dollar bill. "That's all you're getting; make it last, dude."
"Thanks Dad!" Lisle shouts, already running away. He stops and turns back, running over to me and wrapping me in a hug. "See ya, Bella!"
I wave to him and stick my hands in my pockets as he takes off again.
Edward closes the trunk and we walk quietly toward the lobby. "Surf tonight?" he asks.
As much as I'd love to be on the water with him, I don't want surfing to stop us from doing the talking we actually need to do. "No, I think I'm watered out."
"Yeah," he trails off.
We walk inside and start in the direction of the elevators. My eyes are on the floor and my steps are slower than normal. It seems his are, too. I don't want to say goodbye to him yet, but I'm scared to admit that out loud.
I'm scared to tell him lots of things.
Suddenly, Edward stops walking and looks down at me.
"I don't want to leave you, yet." His words fill my stomach with butterflies.
"I don't want to leave you, either," I admit, breathing a sigh of relief that he feels the same.
"Take a walk with me?" he asks.
Without waiting for an answer, he reaches down to grab my hand and pulls me along behind him as he heads in the opposite direction. He leads us to the hotel courtyard where the botanical gardens are, and as soon as he pushes the door open, the sweet smell of beauty hits me. There are flowers in every color of the rainbow, and even in the diminishing light of the day, it's gorgeous.
Just like the sky outside, it doesn't compare to him, though.
The humid air swirls around us as we walk slowly along the stone pathway, both quietly enjoying the plants and flowers around us. He hasn't let go of my hand yet, and I can't help the warmth touching him makes me feel.
And I want him to know that. There are lots of things I want him to know. So many things I've planned to say, have imagined saying over and over a million times, but now that the moment has come, my lips can't seem to form the words.
Our steps grow slower and slower until we're almost not moving at all. The swish, flip of my shoes on the stone below us is the only sound around us until Edward finally speaks.
"We're leaving soon."
I'm one step ahead of him, and I stop. My teeth find my bottom lip as I turn, eyes focused on where our hands just can't seem to part. It makes my heart all thump-thump in my chest to think of them leaving.
This week has been… amazing.
If it did anything, it confirmed for me that being back with these two can been easy; like breathing. Just like it was back in the day. I'm not ready to let go of it yet, because what happens if we can't find it again once I'm back in the same city as them?
All week we've danced around our past, hell, we've danced around our future. We've even danced around the present.
But the song must be ending, because it appears our dance is about to end.
I'm not sure it's appropriate to admit the thought that's loudest in my head right now: I don't want them to go. And I want them to take me with them when they do, because I never want to have to say goodbye again.
When I don't speak, Edward's face tightens, jaw twitching as his eyes roam across my face. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I ask.
"For lots of things, Bella." With his free hand, he rubs his forehead and squeezes his eyes shut. "I'm sorry for putting you on the spot right now. I'm sorry that you can't talk to me anymore. I'm sorry that I let you go. No, that's not right. I'm sorry I let you go the way I did. I'm sorry I wasn't smart enough to come after you sooner—"
This news shocks me. I look up at him slowly and take a deep breath.
"You came after me?" I interrupt, my throat tight and voice squeaky. I didn't know this and it hurts to hear.
Edward nods. "You left so quick…" He shakes his head. "It was like you couldn't get away from me fast enough."
Now I'm shaking my head, too. He has to know the truth. I squeeze his hand. "That wasn't it at all. I had to go, Edward. I had to go. After that night… I knew if I stayed— I couldn't stay." His hand tightens around mine, and I take another deep breath. It's time to stop running away.
"Why?" he whispers.
"If I'd stayed, there would have been no way I would have been able to keep myself away from you."
He sighs and looks away from me. He's quiet for several seconds, and I can tell by the twitching in his jaw that he's collecting his thoughts; planning his words.
"I already told you the other night that I don't blame you for the choice you made, and I meant that. But I still need to know this. Why did you make it? Why did you make it without giving me a chance to fight? Because I would have fought. I meant what I said that night: you mattered. You've always fucking mattered." He drops my hand and lifts his arms, locking his fingers behind his head. His final words are a mere whisper, floating in the air.
And as they hit me, I begin to crumble. Tears are leaking from my eyes and every part of me is tingling with regret. He's right; I never gave him the chance to stop me, and I've never forgiven myself for it. All this time I've been running because I didn't believe he could ever forgive me for it, either.
"I thought I was doing the right thing," I try to explain. "I couldn't deal with being the reason you lost your son. I couldn't be the reason you had to go through any of that."
His jaw tightens. "But I had to go through it anyway, Bella. She didn't stop the lawsuit just because you were gone. She had a point to prove, and she was determined to prove it. And it wasn't just that I had to go through it, it was that I had to do it without you."
I swipe at my cheeks and take a step closer to him. Everything he's saying hurts, but these are the things I need to hear.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did what I did. I'm sorry I wasn't there, and I'm sorry you had to go through that alone. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was young and stupid and I never should have—" I stop, trying to compose myself, but I can't. I'm ashes blowing in the wind, and nobody can stop it.
I've been fighting this for so long… these feelings, these truths. It's the most painful thing in the world to admit and to face one's own mistakes, especially when the biggest mistake of all is standing right in front of you. I turn away, rubbing the palms of my hands against my eyes. I suck in and blow out a few deep breaths. It's easier to talk without looking at him.
"I thought it would be easier. I thought if I left and Makenna didn't have to worry about me anymore it wouldn't even be an issue. I just… I was trying to help you. I was trying to protect you and to protect Lisle, and I didn't—"
"It was never just about you, Bella," he interrupts. "It was her. She had those papers drawn up months before I was served. Months! She was waiting for a reason. She was waiting for some way to hurt me. And you were it. I should have realized it at the time. I never should have asked you to come to the hospital with me, because I knew she wouldn't be happy. And I should have talked to you about all of that, about her advances or invitations for dinner or to come by and see us on the weekends. But I didn't because I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to protect you. And then I just wanted to show you that you mattered, that I didn't want you to be some kind of dirty little secret. And it blew up in my face."
"So if I was trying to protect you and you were trying to protect me, why didn't it work?" I ask, voicing my frustrations at what seems to have been an epic misunderstanding.
God, if we'd just talked more, told each other what we were thinking…
I don't expect him to answer. I don't expect to feel him closer, behind me. I don't expect his gentle fingers on my shoulders or the warmth of his breath on the back of my neck.
"Because we started something that couldn't be finished back then."
My eyes fall shut and I try to keep my voice clear when I ask, "Is that what this is? Are you trying to finish it now?" And I know it's stupid to ask him this. Of course that's what this is. It's closure, for both of us. Even if we never see each other again… maybe now he can move on.
Maybe we both can.
"I'm not trying to finish anything," he replies, voice soft and strong as his arms move to circle my chest, caging me in. It feels too soon, like I don't deserve his comforting touch. But he holds me tight, and I can't stop my body from sagging against his.
With him being so close, I can't help notice how familiar all of this is: Him, me; the way he holds me; the way he still smells exactly the same, all sunshine and man.
"I never wanted to be finished with you. Then… and especially now. I don't know what kind of fucked up, stars aligning, mumbo-jumbo-bullshit happened for us to both end up here at the same time…" I can't help it, I snort. He chuckles too. "I don't know what it is… but I'm not sorry it happened. I'm happy… just these past few days with you have been the happiest I've felt in… a really, really long time."
"Me, too," I admit, and his arms pull me even closer. "I've tried so hard to forget you, and I couldn't… I can't. Those other men—"
He stops me with a growl in his throat. "I don't want to hear—"
"But it's the truth. And I want you to know everything. I tried so hard. I tried…"
"I tried, too," he says, a heavy sigh following the words. "But it never worked, Bella. It never worked because they weren't you."
A heavy feeling descends over my whole body; it's powerful and strong, almost draining. But it feels good at the same time. Because, as much as I hate knowing he was with other women, I like knowing that just like me and the other men I tried to be with, it didn't work.
"What do we do now?" I ask quietly.
"Now? Now you come home, Bella."
Edward pulls his arms back and uses his hand to pull me to face him. And then his hands reach out for my face and his breath touches my lips, and I lose all self-control. Just like the first time I dove into this with him, I'm a little afraid of drowning, but the fear doesn't stop me. If anything it pushes me forward.
I lift my hands against his chest and curl my fingers into the soft material of his shirt to bring him closer as I rise up on my tiptoes. My face lifts as his descends and then it's just lips that are slow and cautious and so, so warm and soft. He doesn't try to deepen the kiss or take things further than either of us is ready for, and though my body's screaming at me to take him into my hotel room and feel every inch of him, I'm thankful that he understands we need to take this slow; that he feels the same.
"Please come home." He pulls back only an inch before kissing me again. Just a quick touch of lips against lips.
It makes me smile against his mouth, and I can feel that he's smiling, too.
"It can't possibly this easy… can it?" I breathe out, because really… can it?
He looks into my eyes, all emerald intensity. "Who says it can't be?"
I shrug. "I don't know. This is fast; it's only been a week… we don't know each other anymore... I hurt you. I just—"
He puts a finger to my lips and smiles down at me. "It only took me a week to fall in love with you the first time, is it really that hard to believe it could happen again?"
Then again, maybe it can be just this easy. We've already had the hard part of our relationship, had the ups and downs and smiles and tears. Why make this harder than it needs to be when we both want the same thing?
I've spent my life running away from how I feel for this man, and he's asking me to stop. He's asking me to come home. He's giving me exactly what I never found on the beaches of Australia, or South Carolina or Fiji.
Him.
He's telling me he loves me. He's telling me he always has.
My heart pounds in my chest and my belly is all fluttery. I'm positive those can't possibly be described as butterflies in there because they feel much more like hawks with the way they're moving around. He still gives me that same fuzzy, walking on air kind of feeling.
"Woman, please don't leave me hanging much longer."
"Don't call me woman," I retort, a smile twitching at the edges of my lips. He links his fingers with mine and raises an eyebrow at me.
And it's time to tell him the biggest truth I have. "I love you, too."
I barely get a chance to enjoy the huge smile on his face before he's kissing me again. And this time, it's not so chaste. When I feel like I can't breathe, I pull back. Pressing my hand to my chest, I take a few deep breaths. "For the record, if this doesn't work, I want a front row seat for when Jasper punches you again."
"Who says he's going to punch me?" Edward laughs.
"I don't know, but if you mess this up, you better believe I'll use my feminine wiles to talk him into it somehow—"
"Bella?" Edward interrupts, and then he waits until my eyes are on him again before continuing. "I promise not to mess it up this time."
"Me, too."
Thank you for reading.
Epilogue coming very soon. If I can make it through edits without sobbing. All mistakes are mine...because I still cannot post without editing the crap out of anything.
Reviews are love.
xx