Chapter 9

Deidara woke up first. Itachi's arm was still around him, and his other arm was folded under his head. He looked peaceful, and so beautiful. Deidara held his breath, and reached with his hand to caress the silk soft black hair. The contrast with his pale-white skin was almost fascinating.

Suddenly long black eyelashes fluttered, and Itachi opened his dark eyes.

"Hey," he said sleepily.

"Hey," Deidara said back. He pulled his hand away quickly. Itachi smiled.

"Did you sleep well, after the… you know…?" Itachi asked as he pulled away slightly, removing his arm from around Deidara.

"Yeah," he answered. He sat up, and frowned, bringing a hand to his forehead. "But now I have a headache…"

"You might be hangover, I guess…"

Right, Deidara thought, with all that beer… And he'd invited Itachi to stay the night – something he definitely wouldn't have done sober. He could also remember his nightmare all too well, unfortunately. As if Sasori actually sexually harassing him hadn't been enough, he'd had a dream of Sasori raping him in the employees' room.

Frowning, he glanced down at his arms. He wasn't very subtle, wearing his black arm warmers even to sleep. And surely Itachi had heard him drop the scissors during the night. He probably knew that he cut himself already. But it was still better to hide his arms – it wasn't a pretty sight after all.

"What's wrong?" Itachi asked, sitting up.

"Ah… well, nothing… Just, you know…" he shrugged, glancing at Itachi, the very handsome and hot, and shirtless, Itachi. "I'm glad you're here," he finished, blushing.

He was doing that a lot – that is, blushing – and it was really annoying, but he couldn't help it around Itachi. He couldn't fool himself into thinking that they were just friends anymore. Friends didn't caress each other's hair constantly, or exchange intense, tight hugs, or sleep in each other's arms. But that was Deidara's limit. He was glad Itachi hadn't crossed it yet but… How long could it possibly last? This thought made him all depressed. He didn't want to stop seeing Itachi, but at the same time, he couldn't even consider having sex with a guy.

"Don't lie to me," Itachi pleaded, "just tell me what's wrong…"

"No I'm okay it's probably just the hangover, like you said."

But the raven-haired male wasn't buying it. He sighed and got up, while Deidara's eyes widened when he noticed despite himself the obvious hard-on in his boxer.

"I'm sorry," Itachi chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair, embarrassed, "I hadn't slept in the same bed with someone in a long time and… well," he shrugged helplessly. "I was gonna go take a shower… if that's okay?"

"Sure, if you need anything, just tell me…" Deidara bit his lip to repress a smile.

Only Itachi could manage to make this situation not too awkward, Deidara thought. But damn, just now, almost naked and slightly embarrassed like that, Itachi had looked sinfully good… Deidara himself was troubled.

He shook his head and, while Itachi was in the shower, he opened his laptop. It was pretty much always the first thing he did in the morning when he wasn't working. He put on some music, checked his emails, his youtube subscriptions, the usual. Finally he checked out Silver's facebook page.

Konan took care of their website. She often posted pictures of customers' new tattoos and piercings, and sometimes updates about special sales, or t-shirts, stuff like that.

Deidara had taken a picture of the rose tattoo he'd done for that girl with the half-shaved hair. He supposed he could ask Konan to upload it on their facebook page. He also decided he would ask Itachi if he could take a picture of his tattoo as well.

The raven walked out of the bathroom with wet hair still dripping on his shoulders, and a towel wrapped around his waist. He was so hot it wasn't even possible not to stare.

"I'll take a shower, too," Deidara said quickly when he snapped out of it, "You can use my laptop if you want. This is um…" he glanced back at the screen, "Silver's facebook page. I don't know if I should have a website of my own, or if I should just make another page like that just for me?"

Itachi frowned slightly, looking at the computer screen over his shoulder. He smelled like Deidara's body soap and shampoo of course, but somehow he found Itachi smelled so nice and unique anyway. Deidara cleared his throat and got up quickly, scratching the back of his hair.

"Anyway, I'll just…"

Itachi spoke at the same time, "You could have both… You could have a link on that facebook page to your website, and vice versa. Thing is, what I can do with a real website, is post all of your designs and protect the images so that no one can just copy them," he explained.

"Oh, okay," Deidara nodded, "yeah I guess that would be awesome. So… I'll be right back!"

"All right."

He picked up the first pair of clean jeans he found, with a black long sleeve shirt and clean boxers, and made his way to the bathroom. After a quick, but soothing shower, Deidara returned to his bedroom. Itachi was already dressed, with his hair tied up in a loose ponytail, and he was sitting at his chair in front of the computer.

"How's your headache?" He asked.

"Better," the blonde answered, sitting on his bed.

"Great," Itachi smiled, "So I still have like, three hours before class. Do you feel like eating some breakfast?"

"Yeah sure," the blonde smiled back, "I don't have much stuff here, but I could just go out and buy something…"

"I'm not really picky," Itachi shrugged.

So the raven went to the kitchen – which was technically just the living room corner – and opened the fridge, taking a look. Deidara bit his lip, embarrassed. There really wasn't much choice in there – some bread, juice, milk, that was about it. Since he lived alone, he almost never cooked. Most of the time he just ordered from a restaurant or bought frozen meals at the grocery store.

"How come your fridge is so empty?"

Deidara shrugged helplessly. They ended up eating a really basic breakfast – peanut butter toasts and some juice. They decided to watch the rest of the movie, so Deidara brought his laptop, and they ate on the couch while watching it.

When they were both done eating Itachi casually threw his arm around Deidara's shoulders, pulling him closer. Deidara was a little bit uneasy, and he was tempted to ask Itachi if he was aware that they weren't actually boyfriends. But he kept quiet. Truth was, he was enjoying this. He felt so conflicted… He wasn't comfortable enough to be in a relationship with a guy, but how could he admit this to Itachi without breaking what they had?

He slowly relaxed as he leaned against the taller guy, though. What was the point in freaking out? It wasn't like Itachi was actually trying anything, like Sasori had done…

So he decided to just go with the flow for now, and enjoy it as much as he could while it lasted… But surely it wouldn't last very long, he thought sadly. At some point Itachi would get tired of waiting for him…

It turned out Itachi really enjoyed the movie. This made Deidara happy, and he promised they would watch more Quentin Tarantino movies together – even though the others weren't really similar to Inglorious Bastards.

"We'll see if you like them anyway," Deidara finished, shrugging slightly.

Itachi smiled as they went to stand by the door. "Thanks again for letting me stay tonight. Honestly, I didn't think you would…"

Deidara scratched his hair, glancing down shyly, "Yeah I think it was just because I was a little drunk though…"

Itachi reached with his hand to cup his chin, and lifted his face. Deidara looked up at him with wide blue eyes. They were standing really close. He could see all the details of Itachi's handsome, perfect face. The raven was about two or three inches taller, but he would only have to tilt his head down slightly to kiss him. Deidara realized he wanted it. He knew he shouldn't, but he did. He wanted Itachi's full, pale lips to touch his…

But Itachi didn't. Instead he smiled and hugged him tight.

Deidara returned the hug, but frowned. Was Itachi… trying to tease him?

Probably.

Well that explained a lot. He was waiting for Deidara to make the moves, then…

Somehow this made the blonde feel even more confused about his feelings, and what he wanted… He had no idea what to do, or how to act.

They pulled away reluctantly, but it was time for Itachi to go. Before he left, he glanced at Deidara one last time, a worried look on his beautiful face.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I… the headache's back…" he lied.

Itachi saw through it of course. He always saw through his lies. Either he was very perceptive, or Deidara was a very bad liar. Probably both. But, as always, Itachi didn't push it. He simply made a little smile, and placed a hand behind Deidara's neck, entangling his fingers in his hair. Then he leaned closer and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. He caressed his hair briefly as he pulled his hand away. After that he left.

Deidara slowly brought a hand to touch his forehead, almost disbelievingly.

…

For the rest of the week they didn't see each other, but Deidara received a lot of texts from Itachi, and he actually answered all of them this time. Mostly Itachi was complaining that he had a shit load of school work, and that he wished he could see him more often but that he didn't have time for now.

On Wednesday Deidara talked with Yahiko in private. He explained the situation with Sasori. Yahiko reacted very seriously and professionally, but in the end he decided not to fire Sasori. He did call him right away to give him a serious warning though. If Sasori tried anything again, he was automatically fired.

The next day, both Yahiko and Sasori had the day off, so it was only Deidara, Konan and Nagato. The two guys mostly spent their day listening to Konan talking about her upcoming party on Friday night. Her parents were leaving for the weekend, and they had strictly forbidden her to have a party, so of course she was throwing one.

In the evening as they were closing up the store, Nagato had left a bit earlier, so Konan and Deidara were alone.

"You're coming to my party, right?" She asked.

He stopped counting the cash register to stare at her, "You serious?"

She sighed, "Look, I just think we should try and be friends again. We're co-workers Dei. And besides, I'm kinda… seeing Yahiko again, you know, outside of work, so yeah…"

He smiled, sincerely happy for her, "That's great Konan."

She smiled back, "Thanks! Well there's nothing official yet but… we'll see. I used to think it was lame to get back with an ex but… with Yahiko I think it's worth a try."

"Hope it works out for you two."

"Yeah…" She hesitated, leaning on the counter next to him. "He told me about what Sasori… hum… did to you…"

"Well he didn't actually do anything but…"

"But he wanted to," Konan finished for him, "I wanted to say I'm sorry. It's kinda my fault… I was still pissed at you and… I told him you were gay for sure, and that maybe he had a shot. I'm really sorry, I had no idea… Anyway…"

"Don't worry about it," he said, eager to change the subject.

Her smile returned, "Well, I have the day off tomorrow so… I'll see you at my party? Don't worry, Sasori won't be there. So don't ditch!"

"Yeah okay," he chuckled. But then he frowned as she put her coat on. "Wait, you're gonna make me close alone again?"

"Oh come on you're almost finished!" She whined, "I'm really tired I wanna go home… See you tomorrow!" She exclaimed as she quickly walked out of the store, before he could protest further.

He shook his head in disbelief as he finished counting the money. Then he turned off all the lights, and stepped out of the store, locking the door behind him. As he walked outside he zipped up his hoodie, shivering in the freezing cold air. Maybe Itachi was right, and he should buy a warmer coat or something…

Thinking about Itachi, he took his cell out of his pocket and dialed his number.

Itachi picked up at the first ring. "Hey what's up?"

"Well… I just finished work…"

"How was it?"

"Kinda boring… but Konan invited me to this party tomorrow night…" He said as he stood at the bus stop, shifting from one leg to another to try to warm himself up.

"I thought she was still pissed at you."

"Apparently not… she's into Yahiko again so…"

"Again? They're exes?"

"Ya, she moved on already, can you believe it?" He said in a fake offended tone.

"You must be devastated."

"Totally."

"So why are you telling me this? Oh, believe me I'm really glad you called, it's a well needed break from my stupid project but what does that have to do with me…?"

"Well do you wanna go?"

"To her party? You sure it's not private or anything?"

"No she always invites her hundreds of facebook friends... And some of them are complete strangers so…"

"Ah… facebook. Something that's so not missing in my life."

"Yeah it's weird how you're a computer freak person and don't even have a facebook."

"Hey haven't you seen that movie, the Social Network? The co-founder of facebook himself didn't even know how to edit his profile so I'm not that bad."

Deidara chuckled. He switched hands to hold his cell phone because the other one was frozen, so he shoved it in his pocket.

"So do you wanna come or not? I could even meet you at your place and we'd go together. She lives a few blocks away from your house so…"

"I'd really love to, but I have so much work…"

"On a Friday night?"

"It's gonna sound lame, but I do have a strict schedule, and I was hoping to get some work done tomorrow evening…"

"You're such a nerd." Deidara tried to hide his disappointment, "Fine, whatever…"

"No, wait, I didn't say I wouldn't come. I just won't stay long."

He smiled, "Cool. Ah… finally the damn bus is here!"

"Deidara have you been standing out in the cold in just that damn hoodie of yours again?"

"…"

Deidara went to sit in a free seat at the back of the bus. Itachi took his silence as a yes – which was the case, anyway.

"I'll have to buy you a winter coat."

"No! Stop buying me stuff!"

"Well as a matter of fact I don't want you to freeze to death, so…"

Deidara smiled, "I really miss you…"

The words had just come out. His mind hadn't even produced any rational thought before speaking them. But he couldn't bring himself to regret them. It was the truth, after all. And it was less intimidating to say on the phone than in person.

"I miss you too. But, I'll see you tomorrow all right? Just go to the party, have fun with your friends, and I'll be there as soon as I'm done with my pain in the ass of a project."

"All right, cool."

"I'm glad you called. And thanks for inviting me."

"Well I want you to be there so…"

He could almost hear Itachi's smile through the phone as he said, "I can't wait, then. Good night Deidara."

"Good night…"

He hung up, and a smile lingered on his lips all the way back home.

But later, in the middle of the night, he was unable to fall asleep, and anxiety was almost suffocating. Maybe he shouldn't have invited Itachi to the party. Maybe he would want to have sex. What if he'd given him false hopes?

He wasn't feeling so well. He actually pondered calling Itachi, or simply texting him, to tell him he'd changed his mind and wouldn't go to the party after all. But he didn't – mostly because it was 4 in the morning.

He was so scared and nervous all of a sudden. He had a bad feeling about the party, and it wouldn't stop haunting him…

…

On Friday evening, as he sat in the back seat of Yahiko's car, he finally took his decision. He wouldn't text Itachi to tell him not to come. He would drink some alcohol at the party, relax a little, and then when Itachi would get there… he'd be a little drunk, therefore more light-headed and comfortable… And, maybe they would kiss, maybe even take things further… Deidara breathed out shakily, trying to calm himself. Maybe it would be just fine… If he was drunk enough… Just enough to feel comfortable, to forget about his issues…

Oh who was he kidding? He couldn't do this. He couldn't have sex with a guy, not even Itachi. Fuck no. No matter how nice and gentle the guy was, he just couldn't bring himself to be okay with it.

God he was so stressed out. Now he was having second thoughts again.

But Yahiko parked in Konan's entryway. They were already here. Deidara took a deep breath before stepping out of the car. He had to at least try to overcome his fears…

When they got inside, Konan's little brother of doom was there to greet him, as always.

"Hey! It's my sister's loser gay ex!" He exclaimed mockingly, making Nagato laugh.

Yahiko glared at the other red-head, and he went quiet. Well at least one of his friends wasn't making fun of him like a childish asshole…

Konan walked up to them with a plastic cup in her hand. "Guys! You made it! What took so long?" She exclaimed, evidently a little intoxicated.

Yahiko laughed lightly, "Hum, Konan, we were working…"

"Oh, right!" She laughed.

If getting drunk would make him this idiotic, Deidara wasn't so sure he wanted to anymore…

Konan proceeded to introduce them to all her friends who showed up for the party – mostly girls she still kept in touch with from high school. With her brother, Deidara, Nagato and Yahiko, they were fifteen people. Not exactly an open house crazy party, but oh well…

Deidara stuck to his antisocial self, sitting in a corner and just watching drunken people making fools of themselves. Some girls seemed to think Konan's living room was a dance floor. And their moves weren't so exceptional. But then Deidara thought, he shouldn't be mocking them; they were actually having fun, unlike him…

He tried to appreciate the dance music. But seriously, the lyrics were awful. People proclaiming they wanted to fuck so badly or whatever… Ugh. Taking a deep breath, Deidara made his way to the kitchen. Nagato was making drinks for Konan and two other girls.

"What is it?" Deidara asked his ex.

"Long island!" She laughed for no reason, "Tastes like ice tea!"

When the three girls got their drinks, Nagato made one for Deidara as well.

"Here, you should drink something, try to have fun for a change."

Deidara rolled his eyes, but took the offered plastic cup anyway. It was full of a suspicious mixture. But then he tasted it, and had to admit it didn't taste that bad.

Itachi would probably arrive in a few minutes, he thought. So, he decided, here goes nothing, and drank all of it at once. He made a face, swallowed hard, and put the plastic cup down on the counter.

"Can I have another one?" He asked Nagato.

The red-head was looking at him with wide eyes. But then he laughed, "Hell yeah man that's what I'm talking about!"

Thirty minutes later – and two more 'long island' cocktails later – Deidara was drunk out of his mind. It was nothing like after going to that pub with Itachi, his brother and Naruto. He was laughing, all the time. He was tripping, falling everywhere. He was making retarded dance moves with the girls. He was smoking weed with the few other guys at the party.

At some point he drank tequila shots with Konan, Yahiko, Nagato and a few others.

His cell phone buzzed with a message from Itachi saying, "I'm sorry I'm gonna be late."

He shrugged and continued dancing with the others. He didn't mind that the music had stupid lyrics anymore – actually he thought it sounded quite good now.

At some point though realization hit him, and he stepped away from the middle of the living room, aka improvised dance floor, and he blinked, looking at the people he'd been dancing and having fun with only a minute ago. He frowned, wondering what the hell he was doing, getting drunk like that… This wasn't like him.

He felt sick, and hurriedly made his way to the bathroom. He barely had time to shut the door, and, at least making sure he was holding his hair properly, threw up in the toilet. Then he flushed it and collapsed on the cold tile floor, still feeling horrible. But one of the girls knocked on the door; she needed to use the bathroom. So he got up, half-stumbled out of the room, and then he made his way upstairs.

He locked himself up in the other bathroom, where he was less likely to be bothered. He crawled onto the floor and leaned against the wall, right next to the toilet seat, just in case…

He checked his cell. It was only midnight. They had gotten here at ten… He wondered what was in those drinks that had gotten him drunk so fast. In any case, he wasn't feeling well at all, and he tried to send a message to Itachi – tried being the keyword here. He was so drunk and his fingers were so damn clumsy. He eventually managed to type, "Don't come."

He let his hand fall on the floor, still holding his cell phone. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. He could still hear the dance music from here. The loud bass filled him and he felt rather dizzy.

Also, he felt very pathetic and miserable. How stupid of him to think that getting drunk would make him feel more confident with Itachi. Now, he really hoped the raven would get his text and wouldn't come here. It was no use, Deidara wasn't the right person for him. Itachi could have anyone, why was he wasting his time with a socially awkward person with stupid issues..?

He realized he was crying. Well, alcohol amplified emotions didn't it? Great, just what he needed. Deidara eyed the razor blade sitting on the ledge of the bath tub. Maybe he could just use it and feel better, numb his feelings at least a little…