Author's Notes: Okay, everyone: make sure all hands and feet are inside the ride, this is where it gets really bumpy. Carlyon tells Sophia about everything that happened in 1965 (and I do mean everything), Jack is devastated by a secret that Carlyon has been keeping from him, Natalie gets the rug pulled out from under her again, and the Rift decides that Torchwood South has had long enough to prepare, it's time for a rumble.
Chapter Five
What Has Been Lost
While Sophia and Natalie became companions, the rest of the family continued with their work. Despite their desires, Priscilla and Octavia continued with their research. Lucas, Jason, Adriane and Agent Matheson came in from the bunkhouse, Agent Matheson commenting on a large blood stain remaining on the floor-no doubt from where Jack died protecting Nicky Halloran. And Carlyon spent his time with Ailsa, showing her pictures of her mother when she was a little girl. As he returned to the sitting room with his granddaughter, Sophia left the guest room under her own power, though not without help. About an hour after Carlyon entered the room with their youngest daughter, Sophia exited, leaning heavily against Natalie, and stopped at the sight of Esther in Jack's lap, her face buried against his neck. Sophia smiled softly, but that softness never reached her eyes. Softness didn't, but mischievousness did. This should be entertaining.
Carlyon, who was approaching from the opposite direction with the eternally-curious Ailsa, saw the wicked gleam in his wife's eyes. And then she winked at him, saying, "Oh, is that what I need to do to get a hug, Jack? Dye my hair blonde and de-age myself about fifteen. . .I mean, sixty years?" Esther's head came up so fast, Carlyon was afraid that she would break her neck. She looked at Sophia's impish expression, looked down at Jack, and then looked over his shoulder at Carlyon and Ailsa. She offered a wicked smile to the grandfather and granddaughter. However, she said nothing as she kissed Jack's forehead and slid from his lap, backing away a little. Sophia released her grip on Natalie and swatted at her daughter's hip. Natalie moved toward as Jack rose to his feet gracefully and sauntered over to Sophia. He didn't walk, he didn't stride, he sauntered. It was something about Jack that Carlyon envied and could never master.
"Not at all, Sophy. All you ever have to do was ask," Jack purred as Natalie and Esther stood side by side. He gathered Sophia in his arms, pulling her against his chest, and holding her tightly. Sophia's arms wrapped around his waist in turn, and though Carlyon couldn't see it, he knew his wife was melting into their friend's embrace. His theory was borne out a moment later, when Sophia's fingers began stroking up and down Jack's spine. Carlyon remembered many, many nights when that caress drew a moan from Jack. No doubt the only reason it wasn't happening now was because there was a child in the room.
After a moment, Sophia drew back and slipped her hands up Jack's body to the nape of his neck, saying softly, "Well, that was very nice, Jack-but I happen to know you can do better." With those words, she drew his head down for a bone-melting kiss with one hand, while the remaining hand slid back down to his bum. Natalie's jaw dropped, Esther only stared in amazement, while Ailsa bounced up and down beside Carlyon, clapping her hands happily. Carlyon doubted if the child understood what it meant, or if she understood that Sophia was his wife. She always reacted that way when she saw people kissing. It was an odd quirk of his youngest granddaughter, maybe because she never saw it at home.
"He's kissing my mother. Or she's kissing him. One of the two. She initiated it, so I guess she kissed him, but he's definitely not fighting her off," Natalie said, sounding awed. Ahh, that was true. Carlyon forgot that this was the first time his daughter saw this aspect of Jack, and his kissing Ianto Jones at the Rift Gate didn't really count. That was more of a good-bye kiss. And this wouldn't end with Sophia stabbing Jack to stabilize the Rift. Carlyon's wife never approved of using Jack because of his inability to stay dead, something that exasperated his counterpart in London. If nothing else, Carlyon was proud of Jack for cutting ties with One. But, he was proud of Jack for many reasons.
"He's saying 'hello' to her. Or rather, she's saying 'hello' to him," Carlyon explained as he and Ailsa moved to stand with Esther and Natalie. His daughter merely raised her eyebrows, and Carlyon added, "He's from the fifty-first century, you see, three thousand years in the future, and apparently, they're quite flexible in that time period." He could just see Natalie processing that bit of information before bobbing her head in acknowledgment. It was acknowledgment, he knew, not acceptance. She had a ways to go before she reached that level, but at least she wasn't throwing a strop-or as they said more locally, a hissy fit.
Sophia pulled back, smiling up at Jack, and murmured, "Oh, now that's more like it. There's the Jack Harkness I knew and loved so very much. It's so good to see you again!" With that, she threw her arms around him in a fierce embrace that apparently temporarily took away his ability to breathe. Typical Sophia. His wife gave a small giggle and eased her embrace, saying, "Sorry. I'm gaining my strength back quicker than I realized. Or did you spare some of your life energy for me? You did, didn't you?" Carlyon couldn't see Jack's face, but he was quite sure that his old friend was smiling down at Sophia. She swatted his bum, saying, "You goofball!"
"This surprises you?" Carlyon asked, breaking up the reunion. Sophia poked her head around Jack's shoulder to look at him, and shook her head. Carlyon went on, "Now, I believe you expressed an interest in seeing photos from Natalie's childhood." Those specific words weren't said, but they didn't really need to be said, either. Sophia's last memory of Natalie was as a newborn and now she was three days from her thirty-fifth birthday. It went without saying that she wanted to see her daughter as she grew up. Sophia's eyes brightened and she nodded eagerly, pressing a quick kiss to Jack's mouth before she swatted his bum and released him.
"Yes! Ailsa, honey, did you wanna sit with us while we look at that pictures?" Sophia asked as Jack carefully guided her to the davenport where he was cuddling with Esther only a few minutes earlier. Carlyon stole a look at the young blonde girl, who was merely watching with an amused smile. Good. She wasn't jealous. Carlyon wasn't blind-Esther was as attracted to Jack as Natalie was, maybe even more so. That was very good.
"Yay-yay-yay!" Ailsa responded to her grandmother's invitation, and bounced (yes, bounced) over to the davenport, scrambling up beside Sophia. Then a very familiar, very devious expression crossed the child's face and she leaned over to whisper (loudly) to Sophia, "I think Mr. Jack should see the pictures as well, Mama Sophia!" Natalie's groan was barely audible and she face-palmed. Esther patted her shoulder consolingly, leaning forward to whisper (quietly) something to Nat. Whatever it was, it prompted a smile and Carlyon shuddered. Oh, that expression on Natalie's face was disconcerting-he saw it too many times on the face of his devious hellcat of a middle daughter.
"I think that's an outstanding idea, sweetheart. Why don't you check and see if it's okay for you to sit on Mama Sophia's lap, and then Captain Harkness-I mean, Mr. Jack-can sit beside you and Mama Sophia at the same time," Natalie suggested. Ailsa's face lit up and she proceeded to do what Lucas and Jason called her 'bobble-head impression.' Sophia immediately agreed, and Carlyon felt sorry for Jack, briefly. Nat and Esther began herding him toward the davenport, and once he was within grasping distance, Ailsa and Sophia pounced-Ailsa grabbed for Jack's fingers while Sophia grabbed his wrist. Carlyon bit back a smile. Poor Jack never stood a chance. Once he was sitting down beside Sophia, Ailsa promptly switched laps (nearly landing on some very sensitive equipment), and leaned over to peer at the pictures.
"You know, I love old pictures. . .do you mind if I look at them, too, Natalie?" Esther asked guilelessly. Natalie blushed, and then that devious look came back. The blush was replaced with a wicked grin, and she nudged the young blonde toward the davenport. Esther skittered over to Jack's other side, effectively trapping him. Especially after Sophia moved the album so that it was draped over Jack and Ailsa. Jack mouthed, 'help me' over Ailsa's head, but didn't look terribly surprised when Carlyon shook his head with a broad grin. Oh, no. No, he rather thought that his wife and granddaughter had this situation well in hand!
TWTWTWTWTW
There were many days like that over the next few weeks, as Sophia regained more of her strength daily. And during that time, the Rift was blessedly quiet as the Tregarth family absorbed the most recent changes and Torchwood South got more of their systems up and running. Sophia was somewhat bemused when she learned just how elaborate some children's birthday parties were in the modern era, and looked more than a bit relieved when all three daughters admitted that they eschewed the elaborate parties for the parties they remembered from their childhoods.
There were some bumps in the road along the way as well: Esther's sister Sarah was finally informed that Esther was alive. It didn't go well, and as Esther feared, the news that Esther was alive sent Sarah spiraling out of control, shattering Esther's heart. She swung back and forth between accusing the messengers of lying and calling the Tregarth home at all hours of the day and night, wanting to talk to Esther, which normally disintegrated into Sarah screaming at Esther. After the third time such a call sent Esther to the bunkhouse to clean, Carlyon took what he called 'appropriate actions.'
Sophia was more concerned with Esther, whom she found sobbing into Natalie's sweatshirt after one of the last calls. Natalie knelt beside the blonde girl in the bunkhouse, murmuring softly as she rocked the younger woman side to side. Natalie raised her head as Sophia entered the bunkhouse, and the Tregarth matriarch almost took a step back: Natalie's hazel eyes burned with rage, even as she continued to gently rock Esther. At the same time, Carlyon made a few phone calls and by the end of the day, Alys and Melanie Drummond no longer lived with their mother. It seemed she was unstable at the best of times, and Carlyon told her that he feared for the safety of those girls. During Miracle Day, Sarah Drummond volunteered herself and her two daughters for the Category Zero list; it seemed likely to Carlyon that she would take her own life and the lives of her children. He would not permit that to happen. One, he said cryptically, was more than enough. Sophia didn't ask what he meant at the time. Perhaps she should have.
Esther was beginning to recover from her sister's meltdown when the next crisis hit. As the days passed, while Sophia got to know all three of her daughters all over again and met her three older grandchildren, she noticed her husband slowly withdrawing from both herself and Jack. And that, as ever, made her very suspicious, especially since Carlyon ignored all of her not-so-subtle hints about a threesome with Jack. Sure, Carlyon was eighty-nine and Sophia was technically in her eighties, but she was quite sure that Jack would be painfully gentle with them both. Perhaps if he simply said 'no' or told her that he would love that, but his heart probably wouldn't take it, she would have let it go. But he ignored it, and Carlyon knew better. Which meant something was going on, and he knew she wouldn't approve of how he handled it.
More to the point, he knew she wouldn't approve and feared her reaction when she found out whatever happened. And that didn't bode well for him, for her, or for Jack. Sophia just hoped this mess was just confined to the three of them, and the girls weren't dragged into it. It also didn't escape her notice that her granddaughter was absolutely right about Jack: her old friend was not comfortable around Ailsa, and kept his distance from Adriane as well. Sophia's oldest granddaughter regarded him with an equal amount of wariness, much to the consternation of the girl's mother. Sophia knew better than to ask Jack what was going on. No. No, if she wanted answers, she needed to go to the source. She needed to ask Carlyon, directly.
She chose a day when everyone was out of the house or otherwise occupied. Jack and the two boys were getting supplies in town in preparation for the visit of Jack's friends, Mickey and Martha Smith. The expectant parents would arrive the following day. Rex took Octavia out to lunch (interesting), and Priscilla was in town with her significant other (would she ever get used to these new terms?). Esther was in the bunkhouse (again) and Adriane was familiarizing herself with the base. Meanwhile, Natalie was upstairs in Ailsa's room, spending time with her daughter. Carlyon was in the cryo room when Sophia found him. He began cleaning the cryo room the day after she awoke, with the intended purpose to turn it into a storage room.
"So. Care to tell me what happened between you and Jack?" Sophia asked, watching her husband as he worked. He stopped-more to the point, he froze, and Sophia continued, "You see, I've seen the way you look at Jack, that combination of love and grief and guilt and sorrow. I see that same combination when you look at me, so I'm thinking that it has to do with my illness and the years I spent in the cryo unit." Carlyon was trembling and Sophia said softly, "My illness wasn't natural, was it, my love?"
"No. No, they were called the 456, because that was the frequency they used," Carlyon began. Sophia found a seat and sat down, gazing at her husband as he told her about her illness. She remembered very little of that time-just a nearly-mindless terror that her unborn baby wouldn't survive the illness. In some ways, hers was the easiest burden. Priscilla was fourteen, and understood far more than most adults realized. She found herself being both older sister and mother to her four year old sister, while trying to look after her father. This 456 evidently had an antidote for the illness, but there was a price. There was always a price. In return for the aforementioned antidote, the 456 wanted twelve children.
Twelve children to save the world. Twelve children to save the pregnant wife of Torchwood Three's director and their unborn child. Sophia closed her eyes, her mouth going dry. But Carlyon wasn't finished. She learned that before he left for a mission in Malta (that went spectacularly bad), Jack begged Carlyon to remember that appeasement never works, and to follow the example of Churchill, rather than Chamberlain. But his warnings fell on deaf ears, and when Jack returned, numb with shock and horror from whatever happened in Malta, it fell to him to help deliver those twelve children to the aliens. Sophia interrupted at that point, saying that she couldn't believe Jack would agree to that. And thus, she learned that when Jack balked at playing delivery boy, Carlyon unleashed Priscilla and Octavia on him. Oh yes. Her husband was quite capable of playing dirty when he wanted.
History would record that Jack Harkness was tapped for that distasteful duty because 'he didn't care.' The truth was, he cared entirely too much, but he was still reeling from the disaster in Malta, and then he suffered the slings and arrows of an angry, frightened fourteen year old girl who was terrified of losing her mother. But in the end, what pushed Jack into delivering those children was Carlyon threatening to give the duty to a rookie who had only been with Torchwood for six months. That broke Jack. But the antidote was turned over, the antidote that didn't work for Sophia and necessitated the cryo-unit. Carlyon fell silent, and Sophia said quietly, "That's not the whole story, is it? There is far more that you haven't told me yet."
"Not surprisingly, Jack was right. In 2009, the 456 came back, and this time, their demands were far worse. If we didn't turn over ten percent of our children, they would destroy the planet. And the governments of the world were going to simply do it. Just turn over ten percent of our children, our babies, to these things that used children to get high," Carlyon answered, nearly growling out the last few words. Sophia closed her eyes, feeling sick. That didn't get any better over the next few minutes, as Carlyon detailed for her what the British government did to ensure no one found out what they did in 1965, particularly what was done to Jack to keep him out of the way. In the end, the 456 were blown out of the sky, but there was a terrible price to be paid.
Earlier in the week, Jack's daughter and grandson were abducted as leverage against him. They were released, but for some reason, stayed. One of the scientists whom Torchwood One recruited so many years earlier took great delight in telling everyone how to destroy the 456: they would need to re-route the signal back through a child. Sophia started to interrupt, but Carlyon shook his head and told her, "The signal had to be re-routed back through a child, and that child would not survive. From what I was told, his exact words were, 'that child will burn.' There was only one child at the compound: Jack's grandson Steven."
Sophia buried her face in her hands, weeping quietly for her friend as her husband intoned, "In the space of five days, Jack lost everything: his home, his lover, his daughter, his grandson. Everything. And the worst part, my love? The worst part is, none of it had to happen. He didn't have to lose any of the people he loved, he didn't have to lose his home, and he didn't have to leave Earth in order to heal." Sophia lifted her head, staring at her husband in shock. She would think about Jack leaving Earth later; although, she certainly couldn't judge him for that. Actually, she was kinda proud of him. In as much pain as he was after that mess, his ability to protect would have been compromised. She doubted if he would have seen it that way, but that made it no less true. She returned her attention to her husband. Carlyon's eyes, though, were fixed at a point somewhere over her head, not daring to look her in the eye. She found out why a moment later when he whispered, "We knew, back in 1965, how to deal with the 456, and we didn't do it. We left that out of the report we made to the Crown, and because of that, eleven children were turned over to intergalactic drug fiends."
"What?" Sophia gasped in horror, unable to comprehend what she was hearing. She was hearing the words, she was listening to what her husband was saying, but she couldn't for the life of her understand what he was saying. None of it was necessary? They knew in 1965 how do deal with these intergalactic thugs? There was a terrible roaring in her ears and her heart was pounding. With a mouth suddenly gone dry, Sophia rasped out, "What are you telling me, Carlyon? You knew all along? WHY?"
"Because each of the directors. . .a member of their family. . .each of us had a family member with the same illness as you. We could destroy the 456 or we could save our families. We, all four of us, chose to save those whom we loved. We thought we were entitled to that, entitled to save our families, after everything we'd done to protect the Earth. None of us wanted to believe that they'd come back," Carlyon replied simply. And it was that simple, except it wasn't. A little boy was dead, because four people ignored their obligations to the world. Carlyon went on, "Of course, you tried to warn me that the antidote wouldn't work for you, and you were right. I didn't understand how that could be, how you could know that, but you were right-and you spent decades in a coma as a result." Sophia wasn't aware of much at the time, but she did know that the antidote wouldn't do anything for her.
The husband and wife sat in silence for several moments as Sophia struggled to process everything she learned during the last few minutes. Oh, Jack. The mother in her recoiled at the choice Jack made nearly three years earlier, but. . .oh God. She knew from Carlyon's narrative that if the 456 wasn't wiped out and the children weren't turned over, they would have destroyed the Earth. Sophia bowed her head. She wished so much he could have found another way, but as she well knew, sometimes, there were no good choices open to you. And what was worse, no matter how much she hated it, she knew that she would have done the exact same thing. Carlyon laughed humorlessly, drawing Sophia's attention back to him, and he said, "Do you know what the ultimate irony was? That child, Jack's grandson, wouldn't have existed if Jack hadn't agreed to take on the delivery in 1965." What? What was he talking about? Carlyon explained, "That rookie I threatened to send if Jack didn't accept the mission? Her name was Lucia Moretti, and she was the grandmother of Steven Carter, the mother of Jack's child."
Sophia actually felt ill. Carlyon added softly, "She was never really strong enough for Torchwood. Do you know, it's hard to tell at first? Who is strong enough for Torchwood and who isn't? The ones whom you would think are strong enough end up being pathetic, and the ones who seem to be too soft turn out to be anything but. Lucia wasn't strong enough for Torchwood. She wasn't even strong enough to love Jack." Sophia chose not to ask what that meant. There were too many people, such as that Agent Johnson Carlyon mentioned, saw him as a thing, rather than a human being.
Instead, she asked softly, "So, what happens now?" She couldn't deal with the revelation about Lucia Moretti (whom she never really liked, but wasn't sure if Carlyon was right about)-she was still too busy trying to come to terms with everything else. How in the hell did Jack come to terms with what he had to do? She knew that he could forgive anyone except himself, and even that was possible with enough time. Even once he found out what Carlyon had done, he would likely forgive her husband as well. Oh, he'd be furious and devastated and sick that neither his lover nor his grandson had to die, but in the end, he would tell himself that it was he, Jack, who made that decision, not Carlyon.
"That depends entirely on you, my love. You see, I've known all along just how angry you would be with me, once you learned the truth," Carlyon replied. Sophia huffed just a little, both amused and irritated. Right now, she was entirely too numb to be angry. It was just. . .God. There was so much to sort through! Although he was right-once she finished processing everything she learned in the last few hours, she'd be furious with him. She'd be beyond furious with him, and yes, she was a little upset with Priscilla as well. But really, could she blame a fourteen year old child for reacting as Priscilla evidently did to the possibility of losing a parent? Priscilla was a child at the time, but Carlyon was an adult.
"I don't know, Carlyon. Dear God, no wonder Jack has been so uncomfortable around Ailsa! Does Natalie know about any of this?" Sophia asked. She couldn't imagine how Natalie would have reacted to what Jack had to do. On the one hand, she was (technically speaking) a civilian, but Priscilla and Octavia raised her. She was a mother, and likely would have been horrified, but was she sensible enough to understand that Jack's choice, as horrific as it was, saved her own child? Maybe not this year or the next, but sooner or later, Ailsa would have been 'eligible' for the tribute, and that was exactly what those children were. And how did it affect Natalie's ever-growing attraction to Jack? Because oh, yes, just as Sophia suspected from the beginning, her baby girl was overwhelmingly attracted to her dear friend.
"She knows about the 456 and what Jack had to do, and she understands why Jack is uncomfortable around Ailsa. And she sees a man when she looks at him, a man and not a monster," Carlyon replied quietly. Sophia bobbed her head numbly. Good. That was good. Jack would punish himself more than anyone else ever could. It was something she learned about him early on. He wore a mask to protect himself, a necessity with his extra long life. Carlyon added after a moment, "There's something else you need to know. Jack finally found his Doctor in 2007. In the final battle as the Doctor's companion, when Jack sacrificed his life to stop the Daleks, the Doctor's other companion unleashed a power. She-she couldn't bear the thought of Jack being dead, and so she brought him back. She brought him back forever. It-the Doctor told him that he might well be there at the end of the universe."
Forever? Literally forever? Oh, she didn't want to believe that! The idea that her friend would literally live forever-did this girl, whoever she was, realize what she had done? Carlyon went on slowly, "Jack is a fixed point in time in space. He is a Fact. I can't imagine what that would do to a human being, even one from the fifty-first century like Jack. For all his upgrades, so to speak, he is still a human being." Sophia was still trying to come to terms with the first part of what her husband said. Jack would live forever, maybe even when the last star went out? She shuddered. What a horrible thought! She didn't want to think about Jack dying for good, but she also didn't want him to live forever.
At last, she asked hoarsely, "Is there anything else I need to know?" She knew about Miracle Day. Her children, all three of them, told her about that, as did her husband. All right, Carlyon outlined it for her, while her daughters took turns filling in the blank spaces. They also told her about the Earth being moved out of its orbit and the murderous overgrown tea kettles, which were responsible for Jack's first death, more than a hundred thousand years in the future. She even learned about the disaster that was Canary Wharf. Sophia couldn't remember if she heard of Cybermen before now, but they sounded even more horrifying than Daleks.
Carlyon sighed deeply. That worried her, but he said, "No. No, you know everything. At least, about the 456. There are other things, but those can wait. You know about the 456, you know about that woman." Ahhh, yes, that awful tape she insisted upon listening to the day she woke up from her decades-long nap. It was telling to her that for his own part, her husband insisted that no one speak of the woman in question by name. It was an instruction that Jack ignored, but it was about what she expected from him. Carlyon sighed again, drawing Sophia's attention once more, and this time, she saw just how exhausted he was. Frowning, Sophia glanced down at her watch and discovered that more than three hours passed since they came inside.
It was for that reason she said softly, "Are you all right, Carlyon?" His head came up and he stared at her in shock. Sophia allowed herself a small smile, observing, "Oh, believe me, I am furious with you for all of this. But I love you, and I won't have you putting your health at risk, with the mistaken notion that it's atonement for what you did to Jack. You look exhausted and I know it's been at least five hours since you ate." Carlyon actually seemed to break at that. He stumbled out of his chair and before Sophia could protest, he fell to his knees in front of her and laid his head in her lap. Sophia blinked back tears at the oh-so-familiar tableau and began stroking her fingers through her husband's iron-gray hair.
"I never imagined that you would forgive me. Oh, you haven't yet, but you just told me that you will. I had to tell you first, even before I told Jack. I knew that I had to atone for what I did to him, the hell I dumped on his shoulders, but I wanted to tell you first. I just never thought that I would need to tell you only two weeks after you woke up. I couldn't tell Priscilla or Octavia, much less Natalie," Carlyon whispered. Sophia shuddered. Oh God. She couldn't imagine having to tell her youngest daughter.
"We have to tell them, though, Carlyon. Much as I hate the idea of telling Natalie about this, we have to. We have to tell all the girls at some point, and somehow, we have to find a way to tell Jack. I know, we'll break his heart all over again, but if we don't tell him, he'll find out on his own, and that will make it a thousand times worse," Sophia whispered, blinking back tears. One escaped anyhow and rolled down her cheek. Carlyon closed his eyes, but nodded. She thought the crisis was over; the truth was, it was only beginning.
She learned that when a quiet, flat voice said from the doorway, "We already know." Sophia looked up to find her youngest daughter and oldest friend standing side by side. Natalie was ashen, her eyes wide with horror. Her fingers were interlaced tightly with Jack's. Sophia swallowed hard and transferred her attention from her Natalie to Jack and immediately wished that she hadn't. If Natalie was ashen, then Jack was deathly pale. The last time she saw him that pale was six months before she fell so ill, when she and Priscilla found him in London after those monsters decided to experiment on him. Pale as the moon, pale as death.
However, his voice was calm (far too calm) as he said, "I know it's said that eavesdroppers never hear well of themselves, but I don't think that's what they had in mind. There's a Rift spike which should be investigated. I'll be back in a few hours." With those words, and an awful emptiness in his eyes, Jack turned and walked away from the room. Natalie paused just long enough to give Sophia an apologetic look, and then she chased after him. Carlyon choked back a sob and dropped his head back into Sophia's lap. She could only close her eyes and pray that her baby girl could be whatever Jack needed right now. . .and that her friend would return to them.
She didn't place much hope in either possibility.
TWTWTWTWTW
Every day, Natalie tried to make sure she had two or three hours to devote to her daughter and only to her daughter. Whether it was reading to her or playing with her dollies or something else, she wanted to spend time with Ailsa without work interfering. Thus was the case on this particular day. Three hours of doing all of the above, and then it was time for Ailsa's nap. After her little girl's toys were picked up, Natalie tucked her daughter under the covers and kissed her hair softly. She waited a few more minutes, until her baby was asleep, before she quietly slipped from the room. It was her intention to find Jack and ask him if there was anything more she could do for Esther. Yes, in the weeks since her mother's awakening, 'Captain Harkness' gave way to 'Jack,' for both Natalie and Ailsa. At the urging of the immortal, Ailsa dropped the 'Mister' and just started calling him 'Jack.' Just before she dropped to sleep, the little girl asked drowsily if she could start calling Esther 'Aunt Esther' instead of 'Miss Esther.' Natalie assured her that she would ask Esther about it. But right at that moment, she was more concerned with Esther's mental state.
She met Jack on the way to the cryo room. And she wasn't sure which of them fell silent first, which one of them started listening first. She was raised better than that, but when she started to leave, it wasn't as easy as she thought. Sometime while they listened, her hand snaked into Jack's and now he was holding onto her hand with an unbreakable grip. So she stayed, and she listened, and she learned that she was living a life meant for someone else. That someone else was Jack's grandson, the grandson whom he. . . And Natalie's mind shied away from that once more, because she couldn't bear to think about it, coward that she was.
But she listened to every word her parents said, about the actions that should have been taken back in 1965 (did the Queen know about this? Unlikely, since a report was mentioned, a report which left out the necessary actions). And she held onto Jack's hand, because she didn't know what else to do. She couldn't say anything, because her throat felt paralyzed. She was living someone else's life; if she was honest with herself, she should have been the one to die, rather than Steven Carter, Jack's grandson. If she was honest with herself, she would admit that she didn't know how she felt about that or how she was supposed to feel.
And truly, she wasn't sure if she was holding Jack's hand to support him-or because if she released him, she would collapse to the ground. Too much, too much, too much! When her mother said, "We have to tell them, though, Carlyon. Much as I hate the idea of telling Natalie about this, we have to. We have to tell all the girls at some point, and somehow, we have to find a way to tell Jack. I know, we'll break his heart all over again, but if we don't tell him, he'll find out on his own, and that will make it a thousand times worse," Natalie knew that she had to say something, say anything, because they knew. It was already too late.
In the calmest voice she could muster, she announced, "We already know." Her mother raised her head, tears streaking her face. Natalie couldn't have said who looked more horrified: Gr-father or Sophia. And still, her fingers remained interlaced with Jack's. Right now, it felt as if neither could let go, and she wasn't sure who was whose lifeline at this moment. She couldn't bear to look at her mother's horrified expression any longer, and so she looked up at Jack for the first time since these revelations were made. She immediately she hadn't. Just as 'anxious' wasn't a good look for him, neither was 'empty.' And that was what she saw when she looked in his eyes: a terrible, endless emptiness. And he was pale. He was so pale.
And his voice was eerily calm when he added, "I know it's said that eavesdroppers never hear well of themselves, but I don't think that's what they had in mind. There's a Rift spike which should be investigated. I'll be back in a few hours." He very gently released Natalie's fingers (which were now numb), and then Jack turned away. He stalked (not walked, not strode, not sauntered) from the room. She had a decision to make at that moment. Natalie sent her mother an apologetic, sympathetic look, before racing after the shell-shocked immortal.
"Jack, let me come with you! Someone should be watching your back!" Natalie told him as she caught up with him. Even before the words were out, he was shaking his head. But it wasn't just his head; it seemed as if his entire body was shaking. Or was he shivering? Natalie remembered how she felt after she learned of Ethan's betrayal. She literally felt cold, had to crawl under the blankets until she warmed up again. That was bad enough, learning about Ethan's attempt to ruin her life, but this was by far worse. How could Jack bear to look at her; really, how could he bear at any of them?
However, he said quietly, "No. No, I have to do this alone, Natalie. Listen to me, please!" The plea in his voice stopped her just as sure as his hands on her shoulders did. She stared up into his eyes, and Jack continued softly, "Right now, I can't trust myself with the life of anyone else. I can come back from whatever happens to me, but you won't. If you die, then you stay dead. And if you come with me, you have no way to protect yourself if I get killed. You're not cleared for field duty yet, Natalie, please. . .please stay here. If you really want to help me, stay here and look after Esther. She's been having trouble with the reports coming in from the Hallorans. You know the area better than she does. Please?"
Natalie took a deep breath and nodded, raising her hands to cover his. Both were silent for several moments. There were so many things Natalie wanted to say to this man. On Natalie's birthday, her mother took her aside and very gently asked if she was attracted to Jack. Her first instinct was to laugh it off, to deny it. But her mother-her birth mother-had a way of looking at her as if she was seeing into Natalie's very soul, and the newly-minted thirty-five year old found that she couldn't lie to this woman, any more than she could lie to the woman who raised her.
The answer, of course, was 'yes,' not that it really mattered, because a man as handsome (or beautiful or gorgeous or whatever superlative you wanted to use) as Jack Harkness would never give a little nothing like Natalie Sophia Tregarth a second glance. Life didn't work that way. However, she admitted the truth to the woman who gave birth to her. Things weren't that easy, not with Jack. As she searched for something to say to this man, her mind just kept coming back to two words. She took a deep breath and began, "I'm. . ."
She never finished that sentence. Jack released her shoulders and pressed his fingers against her lips, shaking his head. Those lovely eyes of his were filling with tears, but he whispered, "Don't. Please, don't finish that sentence. You're the last person who should say those words, much less to me." Natalie swallowed hard, closing her eyes, and nodded. When she opened them again, Jack smiled down at her sadly and whispered, "Thank you." He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, and then released her. Nat stared after him. She had no idea what prompted her next action, but she would never regret it.
"Jack!" she called out, and took just enough steps to bring her hand within range of his wrist. She caught it easily and he turned to face her, looking surprised. Natalie took the few remaining steps and threw her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. There was a very brief hesitation, and then his arms closed around her in turn, holding her just as tightly. Natalie closed her eyes, because oh, God, it felt good. But she knew it wouldn't last and she whispered, "Be careful. Please. I know you'll die to save others if you have to, but please be careful!"
There was a soft kiss pressed to the top of her head and Jack whispered, "No promises, but I'll do my best. Nat, try to forgive your father." Natalie merely tightened her arms, because like Jack, she could make no promises. Right now, she felt as though she was freefalling, and only Jack's instructions to take care of Esther kept her from feeling totally out of control. She needed to take care of Esther, and she needed to look in on her daughter. Her daughter. Her Ailsa. Her Ailsa, who was alive because of this man and the choice he made nearly three years earlier, a choice he should have never had to make. But he made it, he was finding a way to live with it, and now, Natalie had to do the same.
"No promises," she said hoarsely into his chest, "but I'll do my best." There was a soft huff of laughter over her head at her throwing his own words back in his face. Jack gave her a small squeeze, and then released her. She stepped back and Jack stared at her for a long time. And then, he gave her a small smile, a single determined bob of his head, and he strode from the house. From her position just outside the room that housed her mother for so long, Natalie heard Octavia flirting with Rex, and Jack's announcement that he was investigating a Rift spike. He would be taking one of the ATV's. She closed her eyes, quietly praying that her new commanding officer would return to them on his own two feet.
After a moment, she squared her shoulders. She had work to do. Jack was a resourceful man. She just had to have faith in him.
To be concluded in the epilogue, which is told from Jack's point of view and sets up the next story, entitled 'The Homecoming.'